Becoming more picky about looks?

[organizedchaos]

I'm just not interested in a woman past accomplishments, or things that don't directly involve me.

 

There is no benefit to dating a woman who raised a bunch of money for charity and is very driven in her work, if she's cold and unaffectionate to me.

 

Wow, you really are selfish. You just don't get it. So a woman must have no life just like you, so she can devote every ounce of her attention on you?

 

Where has this line of thinking gotten you in 33 years? One gf for 6 months. Keep doing what you're doing bc you know better than us!

[serial muse]

Honestly I don't care about those things.

 

All I want from a girl is that she's intelligent, easy to make her laugh, sweet etc. Those are all traits. What she actually does in her own time is just fluff.

 

My ex did ballet for 10 years. She was the lead in Swan Lake and Nutcracker. Yeah those are cool, but I never told anybody else. I only mentioned things that directly affected me to other people when I talked about her

 

I wonder if there's any chance that you hurt her feelings and even pushed her away a bit by not celebrating her accomplishments and seeming interested in her interests. I would certainly feel upset if my partner didn't seem to care about what I care about. I wouldn't need him to care equally but I certainly would want him to treat them with respect and thoughtfulness. And no, I wouldn't necessarily tell him so, not if we were still under a year together. But I would resent it and feel more distant.

 

You may reject this with "well it's annoying that 'girls' think that way," but I'll tell you this: 1) it's not just "girls; and 2) face this question squarely rather than rejecting it outright, because it's not going anywhere. This should probably be a therapy topic for you - figure out why you don't care about these things, and why on earth you would consider them just "fluff". That's not usual (it's rather insulting actually) and it's probably holding you back.

Edited October 7, 2014 by serial muse

[MidwestUSA]

Wow, you really are selfish. You just don't get it. So a woman must have no life just like you, so she can devote every ounce of her attention on you?

 

 

Oh, I gathered she can have a life, he just doesn't care about it. Fluff? I don't have any words in response to that.

[somedude81]

I wonder if there's any chance that you hurt her feelings and even pushed her away a bit by not celebrating her accomplishments and seeming interested in her interests.

 

Not a chance.

 

I knew that ballet was very important to her and a part of who she was. We had many conversations on that topic.

 

Just because I didn't get a sense of pride though her accomplishments, doesn't mean that I don't care about what she cares about.

[hotpotato]

Wow, you really are selfish. You just don't get it. So a woman must have no life just like you, so she can devote every ounce of her attention on you?

 

Where has this line of thinking gotten you in 33 years? One gf for 6 months. Keep doing what you're doing bc you know better than us!

 

And thats not the first time someone has told sd something like that....

[thefooloftheyear]

Not a chance.

 

I knew that ballet was very important to her and a part of who she was. We had many conversations on that topic.

 

Just because I didn't get a sense of pride though her accomplishments, doesn't mean that I don't care about what she cares about.

 

They want you to be proud of them and their accomplishments...It shows you care and who the hell wants a dumbell with a pair of tits and a vagina anyway.?? What do you do with her the rest of the time you are with her and not having sex??

 

I want to be proud of my woman...not in a showy way, but that she has depth of character and is somone of substance...That makes me happy and I do take pride in that, as well as she would..I would think that most guys would..??

 

TFY

[serial muse]

Not a chance.

 

I knew that ballet was very important to her and a part of who she was. We had many conversations on that topic.

 

Just because I didn't get a sense of pride though her accomplishments, doesn't mean that I don't care about what she cares about.

 

Not talking about it to other people is telling though. I'd be bugged by that, as I said. People like to be bragged about a bit by their SOs.

 

SD, maybe you shouldn't just reject this. Seriously. Rethink.

[MidwestUSA]

Well, at least, by your new 'I don't care what she does as long as she's affectionate to me' rule, shoplifters and other petty thieves aren't ruled out, as long as they're decent looking and have boobs.

 

The pool just got bigger.

[somedude81]

Not talking about it to other people is telling though. I'd be bugged by that, as I said. People like to be bragged about a bit by their SOs.

 

SD, maybe you shouldn't just reject this. Seriously. Rethink.

 

It may be my depression and low self-esteem that makes me just not care if a girl wanted to brag about me.

 

BTW, I didn't say that I never bragged about her. I often said that she was very sweet, an amazing cook and that she was very intelligent etc.

 

There were just some things about her that I cared more about than others.

[clia]

Not a chance.

 

I knew that ballet was very important to her and a part of who she was. We had many conversations on that topic.

 

Just because I didn't get a sense of pride though her accomplishments, doesn't mean that I don't care about what she cares about.

 

I don't think I could date a guy who wasn't proud of my accomplishments. This seems like a really strange viewpoint, SD.

[serial muse]

It may be my depression and low self-esteem that makes me just not care if a girl wanted to brag about me.

 

BTW, I didn't say that I never bragged about her. I often said that she was very sweet, an amazing cook and that she was very intelligent etc.

 

There were just some things about her that I cared more about than others.

 

OK, but don't you see that people want to be valued for the things they value about themselves? It's not just about what you value. I don't know how else to say it. Seriously, this isn't the first time someone has mentioned this to you, and maybe it's really worth more than the cursory dismissal you're giving it.

[somedude81]

OK, but don't you see that people want to be valued for the things they value about themselves? It's not just about what you value. I don't know how else to say it.

 

And I don't really know how to explain why I think this way about it.

 

 

Seriously, this isn't the first time someone has mentioned this to you, and maybe it's really worth more than the cursory dismissal you're giving it.

 

I've never talked about this subject before on LS.

 

Right now it seems like a non-issue.

 

Even if I bragged to everybody I saw about what my ex accomplished, she still would have dumped me in the exact same way. It would have changed nothing.

[xxoo]

Even if I bragged to everybody I saw about what my ex accomplished, she still would have dumped me in the exact same way. It would have changed nothing.

 

The bigger point is your myopic world view, not the exact things you say and don't say. You care about what is important to you, and only about what is important to you. You dismiss what is important to others, or simply don't even notice/understand it.

 

And this is reflected in the things you say and do. You really should challenge yourself to grow past this stage (which is adolescent in nature) if you wish to enjoy a mature, adult relationship.

 

In order do so, you'll need to fully engage in life as an adult, which means broadening the social circle beyond college age people, being involved in the community, doing good in other's lives, etc.

[organizedchaos]

The bigger point is your myopic world view, not the exact things you say and don't say. You care about what is important to you, and only about what is important to you. You dismiss what is important to others, or simply don't even notice/understand it.

 

And this is reflected in the things you say and do. You really should challenge yourself to grow past this stage (which is adolescent in nature) if you wish to enjoy a mature, adult relationship.

 

In order do so, you'll need to fully engage in life as an adult, which means broadening the social circle beyond college age people, being involved in the community, doing good in other's lives, etc.

 

Precisely. Because once SD does land another gf, she will soon come to realize it's all about what's important to him and her accomplishments that do not directly impact him are not important. And she will dump him.

 

My gf is extremely interested in my job, what's going on at work, and supportive of me when I'm stressed with work and celebrates my victories. Sure, my job is not DIRECTLY impacting her, but my happiness or stress outside of her impacts her and vice versa.

[somedude81]

The bigger point is your myopic world view, not the exact things you say and don't say. You care about what is important to you, and only about what is important to you. You dismiss what is important to others, or simply don't even notice/understand it.

 

I already answered this point in a previous post

 

Not a chance.

 

I knew that ballet was very important to her and a part of who she was. We had many conversations on that topic.

 

Just because I didn't get a sense of pride though her accomplishments, doesn't mean that I don't care about what she cares about.

 

This theme of accomplishments and caring about them is tiring to talk about.

Edited October 7, 2014 by somedude81

[somedude81]

Precisely. Because once SD does land another gf, she will soon come to realize it's all about what's important to him and her accomplishments that do not directly impact him are not important. And she will dump him.

 

My gf is extremely interested in my job, what's going on at work, and supportive of me when I'm stressed with work and celebrates my victories. Sure, my job is not DIRECTLY impacting her, but my happiness or stress outside of her impacts her and vice versa.

 

More jumping to conclusions about me.

 

As if I was never supportive about what was going on with her job.

 

Of course I talked about the things that were important to her.

 

This mini-topic is going in circles and I'm done with it.

 

I'll post back in the thread when I have an update about my life.

[xxoo]

I already answered this point in a previous post

 

 

 

This theme of accomplishments and caring about them is tiring to talk about.

 

Your dismissal of a woman's interests outside how they affect you is what spurred these comments.

 

Yes, it is tiring for you. But you should try to grow and develop in this area. This is how people build bonds and create strong relationships.

[organizedchaos]

More jumping to conclusions about me.

 

As if I was never supportive about what was going on with her job.

 

Of course I talked about the things that were important to her.

 

This mini-topic is going in circles and I'm done with it.

 

I'll post back in the thread when I have an update about my life.

 

But deep down you still dont care, right?

 

And once again, you're dismissing important advice we're all giving you to try and HELP you. Brilliant. Now we all know what it must be like to date you.

[normal person]

More jumping to conclusions about me.

 

As if I was never supportive about what was going on with her job.

 

Of course I talked about the things that were important to her.

 

This mini-topic is going in circles and I'm done with it.

 

I'll post back in the thread when I have an update about my life.

 

We did take a tangent there, but you shirked the bigger issue: what are you hoping a girl will like you? Why would she agree to go out with you? What would be the catalyst in her mind? I can't see you having any success until you answer this question, acknowledge any areas in your life that need to be improved, and actually improve them. Until then, you'll be repeating this whole process.

[somedude81]

We did take a tangent there, but you shirked the bigger issue: what are you hoping a girl will like you? Why would she agree to go out with you? What would be the catalyst in her mind? I can't see you having any success until you answer this question, acknowledge any areas in your life that need to be improved, and actually improve them. Until then, you'll be repeating this whole process.

That she likes my personality, sense of humor and presence. How I make her feel and that she has a good time with me.

[xxoo]

That she likes my personality, sense of humor and presence. How I make her feel and that she has a good time with me.

 

Sounds like a friend.

[Phoe]

That she likes my personality, sense of humor and presence. How I make her feel and that she has a good time with me.

 

I gotta put it out there, that these really are my main requirements, personally.

 

Sure, if a man has extracurriculars and interests and achievements, I'd be interested and proud and find the whole lot of it fascinating, and I'll want to be involved in that part of his life, but is it gonna be a deciding factor in whether I like that person or want a relationship with him? No.

 

I can't see myself saying "well he's a great guy, makes me happy, and treats me well, but he doesn't do charity work in his spare time, I can't brag about him. Pass!"

 

No. Just no.

 

SD should absolutely do things do better himself, broaden his horizons. Doing more will give you more to talk about with others, more opportunities to meet others, and keep you busy when you're bored. There are many benefits, but I find the tangent that specific achievements are a make it or break it factor, frankly, bizarre.

[hasaquestion]

SD look at it this way.

 

Say you go out for dinner on a first date with a girl? What would she tell her friend the next day about you?

 

"Oh my god! He's got such a nice personality!" Hell no, no one's ever said that ever. Like ever.

 

She'll say things like "he's so calm and confident", or "I love the way his dimples look when he smiles", or "I love the way he lights up when he starts talking about (insert subject)" or "he had me laughing the whole time".

 

What SPECIFIC reasons would a girl (well, woman at this point) leave a date with you blushing and giggling?

[hasaquestion]

I gotta put it out there, that these really are my main requirements, personally.

 

Sure, if a man has extracurriculars and interests and achievements, I'd be interested and proud and find the whole lot of it fascinating, and I'll want to be involved in that part of his life, but is it gonna be a deciding factor in whether I like that person or want a relationship with him? No.

 

I can't see myself saying "well he's a great guy, makes me happy, and treats me well, but he doesn't do charity work in his spare time, I can't brag about him. Pass!"

 

No. Just no.

 

SD should absolutely do things do better himself, broaden his horizons. Doing more will give you more to talk about with others, more opportunities to meet others, and keep you busy when you're bored. There are many benefits, but I find the tangent that specific achievements are a make it or break it factor, frankly, bizarre.

 

If he didn't do the charity work, would he be a great guy?

 

The point is people are what they DO. They aren't defined by what vague thoughts are swirling around in their head. If a guy DEMONSTRATES personality traits that you find attractive, then you'd admire him. Things like a person's profession and free time pursuits represent avenues through which you demonstrate your personality. The little things you like in a guy - they are specific, they are actions, and when you see them you don't think "man he's got such a great personality?" do you? You think "God I love how he _________"

 

Personality isn't something abstract. Its what you do. Its the imprint you leave on others. Its just as "shallow" as looks are.

[organizedchaos]

I gotta put it out there, that these really are my main requirements, personally.

 

Sure, if a man has extracurriculars and interests and achievements, I'd be interested and proud and find the whole lot of it fascinating, and I'll want to be involved in that part of his life, but is it gonna be a deciding factor in whether I like that person or want a relationship with him? No.

 

I can't see myself saying "well he's a great guy, makes me happy, and treats me well, but he doesn't do charity work in his spare time, I can't brag about him. Pass!"

 

No. Just no.

 

SD should absolutely do things do better himself, broaden his horizons. Doing more will give you more to talk about with others, more opportunities to meet others, and keep you busy when you're bored. There are many benefits, but I find the tangent that specific achievements are a make it or break it factor, frankly, bizarre.

 

My point in all of this was about him considering any activities or accomplishments that do not directly involve him as irrelevant. The specific activities of a partner are not make or break factors for dating them, but ignoring their importance because they don't serve your needs is ignorant and bizarre.