Becoming more picky about looks?

[Anela]

I gotta put it out there, that these really are my main requirements, personally.

.

 

So, you would be fine if your boyfriend wasn't proud of anything good that you've done in your life, what you've achieved, or didn't just rave about you personally, at all? I wouldn't be okay with their raving about my being great in bed, but with anything else, their response being, "Eh, that's okay, but it's just fluff."

[Anela]

My mother was once engaged to a man that she initially liked, because she could just sit on the couch and relax with him. After a while, though, she was turned off, because he didn't want to do anything. He'd go out drinking on the Friday, come home to Mum, where things would happen that I don't want to think about, and then spend the weekend on the couch.

[HopelessRomantic76]

If he didn't do the charity work, would he be a great guy?

 

The point is people are what they DO. They aren't defined by what vague thoughts are swirling around in their head. If a guy DEMONSTRATES personality traits that you find attractive, then you'd admire him. Things like a person's profession and free time pursuits represent avenues through which you demonstrate your personality. The little things you like in a guy - they are specific, they are actions, and when you see them you don't think "man he's got such a great personality?" do you? You think "God I love how he _________"

 

Personality isn't something abstract. Its what you do. Its the imprint you leave on others. Its just as "shallow" as looks are.

 

I'm with phoe while those are pluses what he does at his job or in his spare time barring extremes will not sway me either way

[the tank]

The statut is not important. It's how you act and how you make feel the girls !

[ascendotum]

I'm not sure if I am misunderstanding you(or some of the other posters), but why in the world wouldnt a guy want a woman who was well rounded and dynamic? I think its awesome that a woman has accomplishments and things that she hangs her hat on...I would think that any guy would find that appealing.????.(scratches head)??

 

TFY

 

Yes its great, don't get me wrong, but I think for a lot of guys its a bonus and not a big deciding factor in finding a woman attractive. Yes it will add to her appeal, but it wasn't the reason why you walked across the room to talk to her. Likewise with some of the women I know who do OLD. They pick the guy's to review based on their looks. Then they filter these guys based on their career, interests, attitude to life, personality type. Then they go on a date with a couple, and decide whether to sleep/keep seeing the guy based on the chemistry on the date. The women when talking about the guy will focus on filter 3- 'the amazing chemistry', but the guy doesn't get to filter 3 until he's passed filter 1 and 2. The reality is lots of guys will just go with filter 1 when it comes to women, or filter 1 and 3 or filter 1 and 2 or just filter 3. It depends on how shallow they are and also how many options they have.

 

If I met 3 women at a party and one used to play volleyball in school but now just does cross stitching for her hobby, another still plays indoor volleyball one night a week for fun and the other plays volley ball competitively and plays at the national/state level. I'm not going to be drawn to the last one specifically for that reason. The one I'm attracted to physically is going to get priority then the one I hit it off with on a personality & chemistry level. Ideally I get both in the one girl, or even better physical attraction, cool personality and a cool interesting lifestyle.

 

Same if the 3 women in question were a lawyer in a top law firm, an office admin manager, or a florist. I would not specifically target the women in that order. The woman I am attracted to on a physical & personality level counts the most. sure her achievements are related to her personality to a degree but not exclusively. The other big factor in this is what woman is attracted to me. Often people have to make trade offs. People have a number of things they want in a partner and it would be great to have it all, but often that's not the case and people weight some things more strongly than others. As a skinny dude with less options I had to trade off on things when it came to a gf. Same story for numerous of my friends. The more desirable you are the more things you can insist on in potential gf/bf.

When I bulked up with the body building though, the things that I did like sailing, rock climbing, painting, motor bike/camping trips away, my career & evening studies, etc, became more interesting to women, whereas for many it wasn't really before (more so with slimmer & high achieving women). When I became more attractive those things then seem to count for more then.

[xxoo]

As a woman, I have always been concerned about who I am hitching my wagon to. I want help pulling the wagon, someone who will pull his own load and hopefully be able to carry mine as well if necessary. That's very attractive.

 

It isn't so much about having a list of achievements, or specific achievements, but rather having the (yes, again) confidence that shows you can handle what life throws at you as a couple, and also the resourcefulness and motivation to get stuff done. That's why achievements are attractive. It proves capability. Women want a capable man.

[Phoe]

So, you would be fine if your boyfriend wasn't proud of anything good that you've done in your life, what you've achieved, or didn't just rave about you personally, at all? I wouldn't be okay with their raving about my being great in bed, but with anything else, their response being, "Eh, that's okay, but it's just fluff."

 

No, I'm not okay with that, but that's not what I was addressing.

 

I'm addressing the concern that him not doing all those extra things is going to be the determining factor in whether a girl does or doesn't like him.

 

Him not being interested in the extras that someone else does, is a whole other issue, which I'm not gonna get into.

[Phoe]

If he didn't do the charity work, would he be a great guy?

 

Doing charity work isn't the deciding factor in whether someone is a good person or not, lol.

 

If that was the case there'd sure be a whole lot of bad people in the world..

[thefooloftheyear]

The statut is not important. It's how you act and how you make feel the girls !

 

 

Now if they can decipher what the hell you just posted, then they would be very intuitive and obscenely intelligent....I huge plus in my book....

 

You could be onto something here, bro...

 

TFY

[organizedchaos]

No, I'm not okay with that, but that's not what I was addressing.

 

I'm addressing the concern that him not doing all those extra things is going to be the determining factor in whether a girl does or doesn't like him.

 

Him not being interested in the extras that someone else does, is a whole other issue, which I'm not gonna get into.

 

That's my point as well.

 

But I also think if he's not more well rounded with other activities, a girl will get bored sooner or later.

[Anela]

No, I'm not okay with that, but that's not what I was addressing.

 

I'm addressing the concern that him not doing all those extra things is going to be the determining factor in whether a girl does or doesn't like him.

 

Him not being interested in the extras that someone else does, is a whole other issue, which I'm not gonna get into.

 

It's an issue that's already being discussed here, because it affects how women will relate to him.

[Imajerk17]

No, I'm not okay with that, but that's not what I was addressing.

 

I'm addressing the concern that him not doing all those extra things is going to be the determining factor in whether a girl does or doesn't like him.

 

Him not being interested in the extras that someone else does, is a whole other issue, which I'm not gonna get into.

We're not talking about him doing all those extra things either. You don't have to be The Most Interesting Man In The World to date, that's crazy.

 

We are talking about SD taking care of his business--passing his class AND getting a job come January.

 

Lest this be considered "off-topic" ANY girl SD gets a date with is going to be asking him 'so what are you going to be doing in January?'.

 

Most women need a man with a plan. Not to take over the world per se but at least to be able to take care of himself and her and their tiny corner of the world.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Els]

 

Lest this be considered "off-topic" ANY girl SD gets a date with is going to be asking him 'so what are you going to be doing in January?'.

 

Most women need a man with a plan. Not to take over the world per se but at least to be able to take care of himself and her and their tiny corner of the world.

 

I agree, though I'll probably amend this to 'any girl who's planning to stay for the long term'.

 

I think girls who are just intending to have a short fling or casual sex wouldn't care, but those girls will probably have other types of requirements...

[Phoe]

It's an issue that's already being discussed here, because it affects how women will relate to him.

 

I'm aware that it's being discussed, quite aware, I simply stated that IM not getting into that.

[ascendotum]

That's my point as well.

 

But I also think if he's not more well rounded with other activities, a girl will get bored sooner or later.

 

There is different ways to interpret 'not caring'. Not caring within the context of not having it on your tick off list when it comes to a new bf/gf or not caring in terms of the expectations you have on them to be/achieve within the relationship or not caring at all about the things your bf/gf does that they find important.

 

My sisters did not having interesting/high achieving lives but had no shortage of guys interested in them, of different types and ended up marrying good guys (personality + career + husbands). If they wanted to study psychology at night or take up archery or do a pottery class or sell stuff on etsy as a home business/hobby or even if they went to horse races during the carnivals with their friends to bet and have fun, their husbands would be fully supportive of them. If they got Cs at night class or their pottery or archery was pretty ordinary, their husbands wouldn't love them any less then if they did really well where they could brag to others at dinner parties. I'm sure they would feel prouder of them for doing well but its not going to change their relationship either way, and it wasn't a dealbreaker when they were dating in terms of how much they fancied my sisters or appreciated the love & devotion back from them. (did my sisters expect to date up though, one yes one no).

 

A lot of people think like Phoe posted a page back imo. They care if their partner does something that gives them joy but it doesn't make a difference in terms of how much they love them or how much the person loves them back or whether they can be bragged about. At the same time there are a lot of people who do (women more so than guys imo) want to brag about their partner especially when others are bragging about theirs. For some its a bonus for others feeling proud about the achievements of their prospective bf/gf is a big factor. Its better for a guy to improve his prospects and cover both types.

[Anela]

I'm aware that it's being discussed, quite aware, I simply stated that IM not getting into that.

 

I PM'd you, because I'd promised myself that I'd stop responding to these threads, a week or two ago. Even though I have actually tried to help him.

[SJC2008]

Sometimes I think it's the people who never have struggled with dating that are living in a bouble, not us struggling guys. I say this because once again yall start spitting the "smoke filled coffee house crap" like telling him he doesn't care enough of his gf's interests. There are tons of relationship dynamics, selfish people pair up with selfish people, most people are selfish anyway. (I'm not calling SD selfish, I don't know that). Besides, how many peope put up with crap from their so? *A lot*.Yall act like people in r's have these deep connections. People are so emotionally unavailable in these times most couples are monogomous fwbs in my book. If so many couples were these dream couples why do people cheat so much? GIG? Have people lined up before the break-up? Etc. Sometimes I'm glad I didn't get into your chytty night club. The truth is that unless you get lucky and meet a great man or woman,your r isn't gonna be deep at all. It's just another one until the next one.

 

People who struggle with dating usually fall into these categories: 1. shy/awkward (me) 2. Small social circle (lots of overlap with 1). 3. Shooting too high. 4. Bad people picker.

[normal person]

That she likes my personality, sense of humor and presence. How I make her feel and that she has a good time with me.

 

I understand what you're trying to say, but to me personally it just doesn't seem very convincing. Not that I mean to imply that you're a bad person with a bad sense of humor, I'm just wondering -- assuming you have the likable personality and the great sense of humor -- then what's the problem? Are you really sure you're as you describe yourself and it comes off that way to other people? If you're convinced this is all it takes, then why don't you think the girls are responding to it?

 

If this was an online dating profile, it'd translate to "I have a great personality and I'm funny. People can be around me and not want to leave." The End.

 

Maybe it takes a little more than that. Just my two cents.

[SJC2008]

And I know that many of you *have* given SD solid advice ad nauseum. Like finish school and stop aiming for women 10 years younger along with other things. I just don't like "rhetoric" type advice.

[Cristo]

SD, the truth is that neither I nor anybody else on this site truly know why you are failing. We can guess, but we don't know you IRL.

 

Don't you have someone IRL that you can ask?

 

I know my dating issues because my family and friends constantly tell me (lol). Yet, I've posted questions on anonymous and, generally, everybody is wrong....because they don't know me.

[somedude81]

I understand what you're trying to say, but to me personally it just doesn't seem very convincing. Not that I mean to imply that you're a bad person with a bad sense of humor, I'm just wondering -- assuming you have the likable personality and the great sense of humor -- then what's the problem? Are you really sure you're as you describe yourself and it comes off that way to other people? If you're convinced this is all it takes, then why don't you think the girls are responding to it?

 

If this was an online dating profile, it'd translate to "I have a great personality and I'm funny. People can be around me and not want to leave." The End.

 

Maybe it takes a little more than that. Just my two cents.

 

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

[normal person]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

I appreciate the candor in your assessment, but how do you know it's that and not the other thing(s)? Or some combination of things? You're making assumptions -- unless these girls have told you outright.

 

My point being: don't assume you know the answer and that no other aspect of yourself needs to be improved upon. Don't say "I don't need to adjust my attitude/tactfulness/outlook/interactions with people/sense of humor/personality, those things are all fine" yet. It sounds to me like you don't really know what the independent variables are, you're jumping to conclusions about them, and possibly shooting yourself in the foot in the process.

[somedude81]

This may all very well be true. It's also why I always try to tell you to work on self improvement and actually forget about dating for the time being. Looks won't matter as much if you have a lot of other things going in your favor.

 

I'm very aware that I'll be a much more attractive prospect once I graduate college, get a good job, buy a nicer car, buy a house, have a six pack etc.

 

But I just can't forget about dating until I'm "good enough."

 

I will keep struggling with women until I stop struggling and everything just clicks. I don't know when that time will come, but I'm not going to wait until then.

[normal person]

I'm very aware that I'll be a much more attractive prospect once I graduate college, get a good job, buy a nicer car, buy a house, have a six pack etc.

 

But I just can't forget about dating until I'm "good enough."

 

I will keep struggling with women until I stop struggling and everything just clicks. I don't know when that time will come, but I'm not going to wait until then.

 

This is the crux of why you've been so unsuccessful. You don't realize that graduating college and having positive attributes and achievements is what will lead you to stop struggling, and thus make it "click." It isn't just magic. You refuse to forget about dating right now but from what I can tell you can't give a girl any particularly good reason to date you at this moment in time. As of now you're a just an ambiguous mass of humanity that doesn't make much of a mark, doesn't offer much, that people can take or leave without feeling compelled to form any strong opinions about. That isn't a recipe for any sort of human connection. And you keep willfully throwing yourself to the wolves like it hasn't happened before and you don't know any better.

 

I'm optimistic and I hope the best for you. But I really think you need to realize that there's no reason to believe you'll have any notable success until you graduate school and have something legitimate to offer another human being. I'm saying this in hopes that you don't keep asking out women blindly and embarrassing yourself. You'll be done with school in December, right? Things will be better for you then. Best of luck.

[somedude81]

This is the crux of why you've been so unsuccessful. You don't realize that graduating college and having positive attributes and achievements is what will lead you to stop struggling, and thus make it "click." It isn't just magic. You refuse to forget about dating right now but from what I can tell you can't give a girl any particularly good reason to date you at this moment in time. As of now you're a just an ambiguous mass of humanity that doesn't make much of a mark, doesn't offer much, that people can take or leave without feeling compelled to form any strong opinions about. That isn't a recipe for any sort of human connection. And you keep willfully throwing yourself to the wolves like it hasn't happened before and you don't know any better.

 

.

You misunderstand. I know that having positive attributes and achievements will lead me to stop struggling. What I'm saying is that nobody knows which one will lead me to stop struggling or how many of them I need to have for things to click and start doing well with women. Is getting a job good enough to attract a quality woman, or do I also need to have a nice place to live? In other words, I will keep improving myself, and eventually I'll hit the right number that causes everything to fall in place.

 

As I said, the only way I'll know when I'm good enough for a woman, is when I have a woman in my life. Unless I keep trying with women, that will never happen on its own.

 

 

I'm optimistic and I hope the best for you. But I really think you need to realize that there's no reason to believe you'll have any notable success until you graduate school and have something legitimate to offer another human being. I'm saying this in hopes that you don't keep asking out women blindly and embarrassing yourself. You'll be done with school in December, right? Things will be better for you then. Best of luck

 

No I probably won't have any success for a good long while. But maybe I'll get lucky. All I know is that if I don't try at all, nothing will ever happen.