Becoming more picky about looks?

[organizedchaos]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

Have women specifically told you it's your appearance that's a turn off or is that your self loathing talking? Because you're not Shrek. I've seen your pics. Your lack of success goes beyond your physical attributes.

[Kid_Charlemange]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

Join the club.

 

At some point you have to call a time out. If you're being rejected, and fearing rejection, you're not doing yourself any favors by continuing to try and meet women. They are very, very good at detecting low self-esteem. No, it's not because of "women's intuition" or anything mystical, it's because in our culture they grow up dealing with other women (or girls) in a more subtle way than men (boys) do. Most adult women are very perceptive by our standards. They can sniff out fear, and that snuffs out attraction.

 

Take some time off. Get better at something. Read some self-help books. Feel better about yourself, and your confidence will come back after not being rejected over and over again for such a long time. That confidence will show and you'll do better.

 

I'm not saying you'll find the woman of your dreams, and I'm in a minority around here because I do believe there are "leagues," but you will get dates.

 

How do I know?

 

Because I did.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I appreciate the candor in your assessment, but how do you know it's that and not the other thing(s)? Or some combination of things? You're making assumptions -- unless these girls have told you outright.

 

 

You are quite correct. One of the toxic behaviors that people with low self-esteem do is "mind reading." They assume that they know what negative things other people are thinking about them.

 

I'm lucky -- I guess, if you can call it that -- because my ex and the closest thing I found to a new relationship since her, both specifically pointed out my lack of attractiveness as reasons for ending things with me. While it hurt, it's better to know.

[somedude81]

Thanks Lino.

 

My self-esteem issues just let posts like that slide over me and I just accept it.

 

Reading it over, it over that post really is just all vile and some fake encouragement.

[Omei]

OP I just wanted to share I too since my break up nearly a year and a half ago have wanted nothing more than a man that's equal if not better looking than what I had.

 

And that's been making my dating pool very small and almost non existent but its what I want so =] so higher expectations you have to be willing to be more patient

 

 

I've been going through lots of rejection lately going for guys that may be a little too good looking for me but whatever if I got a total hottie once obviously I can do it again then. (that's what im thinking in my head)

Edited October 8, 2014 by Omei

[Els]

I'm very aware that I'll be a much more attractive prospect once I graduate college, get a good job, buy a nicer car, buy a house, have a six pack etc.

 

But I just can't forget about dating until I'm "good enough."

 

I will keep struggling with women until I stop struggling and everything just clicks. I don't know when that time will come, but I'm not going to wait until then.

 

That is your prerogative to decide. But what really confuses me is that while you continue struggling, you continue to insist that the problem lies somewhere else. That it's mainly your height, or your face, or your 'lack of being a bad boy' holding you back.

 

But it isn't. Sure there are women who won't date 5'6" guys, but there are many, many women who will. And they greatly outnumber the women who will date someone in your current life and friends situation.

 

So by all means keep looking for dates if you want to, but you still need to keep your focus on the things that matter. And they won't just matter for dating, either, they'll matter for your own life and well-being.

 

(Edit: Also, as a tip for a future R - good bfs typically do care about what their gf does aside from their dates. Perhaps not 'care' in the sense of choosing not to date them, but 'care' in the sense of wanting to know about it and wanting them to be happy with what they do.)

Edited October 8, 2014 by Elswyth

[SteveC80]

As a woman, I have always been concerned about who I am hitching my wagon to. I want help pulling the wagon, someone who will pull his own load and hopefully be able to carry mine as well if necessary. That's very attractive.

 

It isn't so much about having a list of achievements, or specific achievements, but rather having the (yes, again) confidence that shows you can handle what life throws at you as a couple, and also the resourcefulness and motivation to get stuff done. That's why achievements are attractive. It proves capability. Women want a capable man.

 

It isn't PC to say or even totally a conscious thought for women but deep down a women wants to feel her mans superior to her in some ways usually status/job wise

[thefooloftheyear]

It isn't PC to say or even totally a conscious thought for women but deep down a women wants to feel her mans superior to her in some ways usually status/job wise

 

Nah......

 

A woman might be incredibly proud of her man's accomplishments, but not in a subservient way....I dont think that was ever the case....not even in the "old days"...

 

 

TFY

[xxoo]

It isn't PC to say or even totally a conscious thought for women but deep down a women wants to feel her mans superior to her in some ways usually status/job wise

 

No, not necessarily.

 

I just need to know that he can handle business if it needs to be handled. Believe me, I can, too. But I need to know I have a PARTNER in this, not dead weight, or another child.

 

Some of this is primal, but pregnancy makes a woman very vulnerable. She could very well need to support for a while. Also, there is the matter of genetic and environmental influences when raising a child. Gotta choose wisely.

[xxoo]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

Somedude, how do you think this post and the title/purpose of the thread interrelate?

[Imajerk17]

You misunderstand. I know that having positive attributes and achievements will lead me to stop struggling. What I'm saying is that nobody knows which one will lead me to stop struggling or how many of them I need to have for things to click and start doing well with women. Is getting a job good enough to attract a quality woman, or do I also need to have a nice place to live? In other words, I will keep improving myself, and eventually I'll hit the right number that causes everything to fall in place.

 

As I said, the only way I'll know when I'm good enough for a woman, is when I have a woman in my life. Unless I keep trying with women, that will never happen on its own.

 

 

 

 

No I probably won't have any success for a good long while. But maybe I'll get lucky. All I know is that if I don't try at all, nothing will ever happen.

 

You don't need to have a bunch of material things per se to be successful with dating. Nor do you need 6-pack abs. You just need to get better at flirting (maybe not sure whether this is true in your case). And have some sort of viable plan for supporting yourself honourably and have some concern for the world around you beyond your getting a girlfriend.

 

Lest you think you are "cursed", keep in mind that many women in your environment are going to write you off quickly, not based on height but simply because they'd just rather date a guy much closer in age to them. They would write off about any guy in his early 30s. Yet you still had at least one woman interested in you this semester. You'll have more success when you are working and around women closer in age to you.

 

It's why we keep talking about the job search as well as your class. It very much ties into dating. Having a viable plan is attractive to women and NOT having a viable plan is UNattractive to women.

 

And yes, real talk here, I am genuinely concerned for you for what you will be doing--beyond dating--come January. Dating struggles are nothing when you are wondering where your next meal is coming from or how you will make rent this month. And it's extremely tough to date if you are living with your parents in your 30s. The end of the year is coming up fast somedude81. That you are so focused on passing your class is great, but the ultimate goal is to get a source of income. I do hope you have a viable plan with regards to employment come January.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Imajerk17

[clia]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

If this is truly the problem then maybe you have already been too picky in the past? If your reality is that the women you are attracted to are not physically attracted to you and are not attracted to your personality and sense of humor, then where does that leave you right now? If you are going to be even more picky, I can't see your luck getting any better. Do you think being more picky going to get you any dates? And yes, I understand that things worked out with your ex, but that was one time in your entire life. It's hardly something to hang your hat on.

 

And of course women care about looks, but looks can be subjective. Not everyone is attracted to the same thing.

[Redhead14]

If they were a 2 at 10, wait til 2, they'll be a 10.

[AD1980]

I never got the whole women care less about looks thing that's not true at all.

 

Women here claim men have many more ways to be attractive to the opposite sex then women but are now saying sd is going for women above his "league" in looks so if that's the case and women don't want to date down looks wise anymore then men how do men have more ways to attract women?

[xxoo]

I never got the whole women care less about looks thing that's not true at all.

 

Women here claim men have many more ways to be attractive to the opposite sex then women but are now saying sd is going for women above his "league" in looks so if that's the case and women don't want to date down looks wise anymore then men how do men have more ways to attract women?

 

I disagree with SD that his appearance is his primary dating handicap. Most men as attractive as him date without his struggles.

 

Nevertheless, it is difficult for me to understand how he can believe women overlook him primarily because of his looks, yet he starts a thread about becoming pickier about women's looks I don't understand the thought process.

[lollipopspot]

SD, I haven't read most posts on here, just pop in from time to time and see the last page or so but:

 

1. My bf is not that objectively attractive, and he's also probably about 5'6" or so (I mention that because you're concerned about height, and you're about the same height). Objectively, I'm more attractive than he is, by society's standards. But he has other qualities that make him pretty wonderful. You need to get some of those other qualities to attract a partner. That simple! You can do it! They don't even have to be skills that take years to learn. You can develop or bring out strengths within yourself that will be appealing to women, as they get to know you. My bf is unusually compassionate and sensitive. He's also daring and adventurous. He's very smart. He does have a nice job, but I'd like him without that.

 

Are there things that you care about? Are there causes you can volunteer for? To me the single most attractive quality in a mate is altruistic compassion for others (i.e. wanting to be of service and do good in the world), and putting time and effort into that. That doesn't take skill, that just takes belief and passion. For other people, other things are attractive. Who are you and what's important to you?

 

2. You've got over 20K views and lots of responses. People care. Look closely at what they're saying.

[BlueIris]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

Live by the sword, die by the sword.

 

You’ll fight to the death to defend your belief that ALL people pick by physical appearance. “Looks” are your god, your religion, your dogma, so it’s all you can perceive. Other people DO believe other things and value other things.

 

People are attracted to and resonate with people who share their views and values, so a woman who also thinks that looks rule is going to resonate with you. But you can’t get started with a such a woman if, as you’ve said, you are not physically attractive (like most people, if we're talking bell curve). I think it’s time to explore other religions unless you enjoy worshiping a god that insures that you'll suffer.

[somedude81]

So I just got Girl A's phone number.

 

She may or may not go out dancing on Friday.

 

I definitely noticed a change in her demeanor today.

 

With the way things are going, despite her saying she doesn't have time for a boyfriend, odds are we'll go on a date this month.

[hasaquestion]

I never got the whole women care less about looks thing that's not true at all.

 

Women here claim men have many more ways to be attractive to the opposite sex then women but are now saying sd is going for women above his "league" in looks so if that's the case and women don't want to date down looks wise anymore then men how do men have more ways to attract women?

 

I think my gf is more objectively beautiful than me. It seems like the refrain that "personality doesn't matter" comes mostly from people who simply overrate their own personalities.

 

So I just got Girl A's phone number.

 

She may or may not go out dancing on Friday.

 

I definitely noticed a change in her demeanor today.

 

With the way things are going, despite her saying she doesn't have time for a boyfriend, odds are we'll go on a date this month.

 

Sounds promising. That's funny that she told you she doesn't have time for a boyfriend. That's where you tell her you're flattered but who sad anything about that.

 

If I were you I'd hop to it. She knows why you asked for her number, and its not that you're working for the census. Have you texted her already? If not you've got a good window to arrange something this weekend. Forget about "this month"!

[somedude81]

 

If I were you I'd hop to it. She knows why you asked for her number, and its not that you're working for the census. Have you texted her already? If not you've got a good window to arrange something this weekend. Forget about "this month"!

 

She has an oddish name so I sent her a text telling her that I didn't know how to spell it.

 

She replied. (Not her real name.)

 

 

It's B-E-A-T-R-I-C-E! don't forget the !

 

She has a friend coming over that she's going to spend the weekend with so she already has plans. Though next week she's free.

 

I replied "Thanks BEATRICE! have a great weekend if I don't see you on Friday." I'm going to text her Friday with something like "You want to go out dancing tonight" Odds are she'll say that she can't go.

 

So I'll talk to her on Monday and see if we can plan something for the week.

[Imajerk17]

Good. I do hope this works out for you somedude81.

 

We have come down rather hard on you at times in this thread. At the end of the day we all want for you the same thing we are each striving (and improving on) for ourselves--a happy fulfilled life which includes power and choice in dating.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Imajerk17

[lollipopspot]

I don't think you should push too hard at this point. I wouldn't suggest texting her on Friday. But that's just me. Don't make her feel pressured.

[Phoe]

So I just got Girl A's phone number.

 

She may or may not go out dancing on Friday.

 

I definitely noticed a change in her demeanor today.

 

With the way things are going, despite her saying she doesn't have time for a boyfriend, odds are we'll go on a date this month.

 

Glad to hear this!

[cerridwen]

I don't think you should push too hard at this point. I wouldn't suggest texting her on Friday. But that's just me. Don't make her feel pressured.

 

I thought about that too.

But I'm of the mind that if she likes him, Friday won't be too early.

She'll be happy to hear from him if interest is truly there.

 

So, SD, in what way did her demeanour change?

[JuneJulySeptember]

The girls aren't responding to me because they aren't physically attracted. It as simple as that.

 

Unfortunately my personality and sense of humor isn't enough to make up for my physical shortcomings.

 

For some reason people have a really hard time admitting that women care about looks, just like men do. A woman needs to be physically attracted to a guy before she'll have sex with him, unless she's a prostitute.

 

Since women aren't attracted to me, I have to try really hard to make an impression on them so they are able to look past my appearance and give me a chance. Few women are willing to do that, which is why I've struggled so much with dating.

 

I agree with this SD.

 

Most women will automatically reject you if you don't fit their physical attraction requirements.

 

Others however, will be a maybe.

 

I have never gotten a 'oh yes' off the bat. But other guys do. So for me, I survive on maybes.

 

Because I only ask out women that I get along with and have some rapport with, I can only assume (like you) that if I get a 'no', it's because of looks.

 

Are there other reasons? Perhaps. But I can only assume that women think like me and are willing to give a chance to a moderately attractive person who they have decent conversation and laughs and some similar background with based on limited interaction. I have yet to ask out a woman who mocked me for failing to identify a vegetable she was using as an ingredient (yes, that happened and many similar things where it was CLEAR the woman and I would not get along).

 

For women who reject men in limited interactions who don't give them a significant spark or fit their relatively narrow type, that's fine. I just don't think it is worth the effort to analyze it. Just call it looks, take your lumps and move on.

 

How awesome would it be to get "You're cute, and you think I'm cute, let's see how well we really get along?" Right? Dare to dream.

Edited October 9, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember