Becoming more picky about looks?

[clia]

Honestly I'm confused on what to do. I was expecting a clear-cut rejection and I didn't get it.

 

You did get a clear-cut rejection, though. It seemed really nice and sweet because that is the nice and sweet way to reject a guy without hurting his feelings. "Oh, I'm just too busy for a boyfriend!" She rejected you.

 

You should definitely be pursuing other women. Maybe you should ask her if she has any friends who might have time for a boyfriend and tell her to bring them to salsa on Friday.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with clia. My next thought reading this update was that YOU should be the one who is "too busy to date". You not only have to graduate but you also have to find a job by semester's end. That is a lot of stuff to accomplish by December.

 

Lest this be considered "off-topic", the last thing that a busy girl (such as Girl A if she really is that busy) respects is a guy with too much time on his hands, who isn't taking care of his business. That isn't why you should be focusing on both graduating and your job search (as well as flirting w other women if you and she go out dancing together), but it is yet another way that the "rest of your life" stuff ties into your dating life.

[Anela]

Honestly I'm confused on what to do. I was expecting a clear-cut rejection and I didn't get it.

 

Yes I am holding onto hope

 

Don't do that. I think if sparks had flown for her, she would find a way to squeeze you in. Not every girl has a boyfriend, just because she can.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm telling you to put your focus elsewhere. If she does like you, then she'll appreciate that didn't keep trying, and she'll be the one to come back to you (just like your ex).

[xxoo]

So I finally got rejected by Girl A. And it was the sweetest nice rejection I've ever gotten.

 

She is single but she told me that she doesn't have time for a boyfriend. I made my interest in her very clear. And she truly is very busy. Shes the kind of person who performs better when they always having something to do.

 

She mentioned that we could start hanging out but that she doesn't have time to date. She said that she enjoys talking to me.

 

We talked for about 10 minutes as we walked to a far away parking garage.

 

I'm going to see her again on Wednesday. Though I'm not sure that matters. There is talk of her going out to the dance place again on Friday night.

 

I'm not sure what to do with her. Something tells me that if she had time, she could be interested in me. But if she did have time for a boyfriend, there is no doubt that she would have one.

 

I finally found a cool single girl, which is start. I'm hoping that maybe if we start to see each other outside of class she may start to change her mind.

 

I'm stuck.

 

This was a rejection. Basically, she's not too busy to hang out, but doesn't reciprocate your romantic interest.

[melodymatters]

The ONLY time in my manymanymany years of dating when I actually MEANT "I'm too busy/I'm not ready" was when my husband had just DIED.

 

I've known many a busy med, law or doctoral student with jobs on the side who fit dating into their schedule.

 

Move on. Of course you need to be attracted to the person SD, but you are still trying out for the majors with a triple A career resume. You can continue to do this and be lonely, or readjust. I give it a few more years until you either grow your skill set or you become more realistic...

[anna121]

I don't meant to pile on here, but "I'm too busy" means "I'm not interested in you."

 

And. If SHE actually said she performs better "with lots of stuff going on", I'd consider that to be a line too. Because why can't a boyfriend be some of the "stuff going on" that helps her stay motivated?

 

It's all bunk, SD. Sorry.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't meant to pile on here, but "I'm too busy" means "I'm not interested in you."

 

And. If SHE actually said she performs better "with lots of stuff going on", I'd consider that to be a line too. Because why can't a boyfriend be some of the "stuff going on" that helps her stay motivated?

 

It's all bunk, SD. Sorry.

 

 

True...

 

If they are really into you, they will drop whatever they are doing, and walk to your house with no shoes on..

 

Im exaggerating...But I agree...Saying they are too busy is just a nice way of blowing someone off..

 

TFY

[normal person]

Sorry, tough love time.

 

She is single but she told me that she doesn't have time for a boyfriend. I made my interest in her very clear. And she truly is very busy. Shes the kind of person who performs better when they always having something to do.

 

I admire your fortitude to ask the girl out (that's not how I would've done it, but to each their own). However, now you're rationalizing her answer when you should be reading between lines.

 

 

She mentioned that we could start hanging out but that she doesn't have time to date. She said that she enjoys talking to me.

 

[...]

 

I'm not sure what to do with her. Something tells me that if she had time, she could be interested in me. But if she did have time for a boyfriend, there is no doubt that she would have one.

 

Think about this: she has time to hang out as friends, but she doesn't have time for a boyfriend? How is spending time under one label less time consuming than spending time under another label? If she doesn't have time for something, why would she have time for something else that takes relatively the same amount of time? It sounds to me like she didn't want to hurt your feelings so you got a consolation "we can hang out sometimes" prize. Women love having boyfriends. If she wanted you to be hers badly enough, she'd figure it out.

 

Here's the thing, I don't think I lost the upper hand. Now she knows I'm interested in her and she is still fine with the idea of hanging out with me.

 

Don't be delusional, you were rejected outright. You want her and she's ambivalent at best about you. There's no way you can spin this and say you've still got the "upper hand." She's "fine" with the idea of hanging out with you. As in, she'll tolerate it. It doesn't sound like she cares either way if she actually hangs out with you or not. Please don't confuse "I'm not completely repulsed by you, SD" as "You've still got the upper hand, SD." Whoever cares less has the upper hand. That isn't you.

 

Honestly I'm confused on what to do. I was expecting a clear-cut rejection and I didn't get it.

 

Because she's nice. She didn't want to hurt your feelings. If you aren't dating her now, consider it a clear cut rejection and save yourself the further embarrassment.

 

My goal is to show her that even I like her, I'm a fun guy to be around who isn't going to pressure her. If I keep flirting with her over time, there is a chance she'll start to like me.

 

Girls don't typically like guys due to a lack of pressure or just because they get flirted at. You need to give her a reason to like you. You need to demonstrate some value. If she saw you hitting it off with other girls and having a great time despite her rejecting you, that would probably change her opinion of you. My advice is to go to the club, be ambivalent to her and have the time of your life with everyone else around. Be the life of the party and show her what she's missing out on. It seems to me that's the only way you'll get out of this hole.

 

Best of luck.

Edited October 6, 2014 by normal person

[somedude81]

Just to be clear. I know that she rejected me. I said that she rejected me in the first sentence of that post about her.

 

There is no question in my mind that she is not interested in me now.

 

As I have repeatedly said, no women are ever interested in me, so I'm not expecting her to be any different.

 

I can go around asking out 1,000 women this month, and I will get 1,000 rejections.

 

With that in mind, my first thought is just to say that I give up and to never try to date again. But there is no way I can do that. So somehow I need find a way to make women who at first decided they were not interested in me, to give me a chance down the line.

[xxoo]

As I have repeatedly said, no women are ever interested in me, so I'm not expecting her to be any different.

 

I can go around asking out 1,000 women this month, and I will get 1,000 rejections.

 

With that in mind, my first thought is just to say that I give up and to never try to date again. But there is no way I can do that. So somehow I need find a way to make women who at first decided they were not interested in me, to give me a chance down the line.

 

That's not true. Your ex was interested in you before you realized, and other women have shown clear interest (but you weren't interested).

 

You need to meet a lot more women, and eventually mutual interest will happen again. Non-mutual interest is common for everyone. It's a matter of letting those go, meeting lots of people, and giving mutual interest a chance to happen.

[normal person]

 

With that in mind, my first thought is just to say that I give up and to never try to date again. But there is no way I can do that. So somehow I need find a way to make women who at first decided they were not interested in me, to give me a chance down the line.

 

Yeah, but putting faith in your methodology despite your glaring lack of success is just going to keep giving you the same results. Instead of trying to climb a mountain of "consolation prize hang outs" to her heart, try it a different way. Don't make "ask her out and get politely rejected with an ambiguous asterisk" as your default first move -- I can't begin to explain to you how much you're shooting yourself in the foot with that.

 

Don't ask her out before she shows she's interested. Stop caring, don't act desperate and make her interested. She'll come to you. Then ask her out. There won't be any uncertainty about her answer at that point.

[somedude81]

That's not true. Your ex was interested in you before you realized, and other women have shown clear interest (but you weren't interested).

 

Not at first.

 

It took her a couple of months for her to start liking me after we started to talk regularly.

 

Also, she had a boyfriend which really changed the circumstances.

 

You need to meet a lot more women, and eventually mutual interest will happen again.

 

I am meeting a lot of women. I was becoming interested in so many women it was hard for me to keep track off them.

 

There are still many women for me to talk to and get to know better while figuring out if the are available.

 

Non-mutual interest is common for everyone. It's a matter of letting those go, meeting lots of people, and giving mutual interest a chance to happen.

 

I don't know how common non-mutual interest is. All I know is that I've never experienced it. It is extremely rare for me to recognize interest from a woman. With the very limited number of women who I knew were interested in me, I had no interest in them. Likewise I've never had a woman return my interest.

 

My ex girlfriend is a weird one-in-a-million case because I didn't actually know that she liked me until afterwards. If she didn't find me on Facebook and send the first message a week after school ended, we would have never gone out.

[somedude81]

Yeah, but putting faith in your methodology despite your glaring lack of success is just going to keep giving you the same results. Instead of trying to climb a mountain of "consolation prize hang outs" to her heart, try it a different way. Don't make "ask her out and get politely rejected with an ambiguous asterisk" as your default first move -- I can't begin to explain to you how much you're shooting yourself in the foot with that.

 

Don't ask her out before she shows she's interested. Stop caring, don't act desperate and make her interested. She'll come to you. Then ask her out. There won't be any uncertainty about her answer at that point.

 

"Make her interested"

 

You might as well be telling me to become a billionaire if I wanted to be wealthy.

 

I don't know how to make women interested in me. If I did I'd probably have less than 100 posts on this forum.

[serial muse]

So somehow I need find a way to make women who at first decided they were not interested in me, to give me a chance down the line.

 

SD, I'm really not trying to pile on you here, but I do not get this.

 

This sounds exactly like what you've always done: put yourself in the friendzone while you wait around hoping she'll change her mind.

 

And that is exactly what

1) you said you wouldn't do anymore; and

2) what people have said not to do anymore.

 

Meanwhile, you shun the idea of an actual friendship as a waste of your time, and because you'd want to date the woman eventually and thus it's too painful, and yet here you are, busily plotting ways to put yourself right back where you always have been.

 

For the love of all that's holy, why would you do this to yourself, AGAIN? I seriously am mystified.

 

Didn't you swear up thread that you'd never be in the friendzone again??

 

:confused:

[lollipopspot]

"Make her interested"

 

You might as well be telling me to become a billionaire if I wanted to be wealthy.

 

I don't know how to make women interested in me. If I did I'd probably have less than 100 posts on this forum.

 

Show you have something to offer that she wants (whether that's talent, charm, compassion, caring, sociability, intelligence, thoughtfulness, good dancing, any of these...). If you don't have something to offer that anyone wants, then develop it in yourself. In a way, it's that simple. I have grown to like someone through contact. I found what they had to offer that I might not have seen at first, and how my life could improve being around them.

[normal person]

"Make her interested"

 

You might as well be telling me to become a billionaire if I wanted to be wealthy.

 

I don't know how to make women interested in me. If I did I'd probably have less than 100 posts on this forum.

 

People, myself included, have been giving you advice on doing that as long as I can remember. No one said it'd be easy or quick. Your problem is you can't accept "not easy" or "not quick" so you keep trying your own completely misguided, baseless techniques. You say "I can't do that, I need to date women now -- I don't care about how wrong my methodology is, I'll rationalize it until I'm convinced it'll work." and then you can't make sense of why it completely blows up in your face.

[xxoo]

Not at first.

 

It took her a couple of months for her to start liking me after we started to talk regularly.

 

Also, she had a boyfriend which really changed the circumstances.

 

It seems you were genuinely kind to her, with no ulterior motive, and she grew to like you. That's awesome, and that happens at times (but not as a rule of "If I am nice to you, you will grow interested in me").

 

Repeat that behavior and mindset 20 times, and you will likely get lucky and find mutual interest again.

[CrystalCastles]

"Make her interested"

 

You might as well be telling me to become a billionaire if I wanted to be wealthy.

 

I don't know how to make women interested in me. If I did I'd probably have less than 100 posts on this forum.

 

Talk to her, dude! Spend time with her. Right now, you're just another guy in a sea of many guys. When you get to know her, you won't just be another guy.

 

I find its so much easier to fall for someone once you get to know them. They stop being just a random and they kind of grow on you. Easy to develop feelings after that, at least for me personally. Try, it won't hurt.

[somedude81]

It seems you were genuinely kind to her, with no ulterior motive, and she grew to like you. That's awesome, and that happens at times

 

 

(but not as a rule of "If I am nice to you, you will grow interested in me").

 

Repeat that behavior and mindset 20 times, and you will likely get lucky and find mutual interest again.

 

 

That's how I always am.

 

That's why I was shocked when I realized that she actually liked me. I didn't treat her different than anybody else. Yet for some reason, she started to like me. My guess is that her ex must have treated her really bad, and I must have been the opposite of him.

 

Frankly, I believe that if she had been single or not dating a guy who treated her poorly, she would have never developed feelings for me. I was just at the right place at the right time.

 

As for the new girl, I don't have any ulterior motives. My interest in there is out in the open. What happens next, if anything, is up to her.

[somedude81]

SD, I'm really not trying to pile on you here, but I do not get this.

 

This sounds exactly like what you've always done: put yourself in the friendzone while you wait around hoping she'll change her mind.

 

And that is exactly what

1) you said you wouldn't do anymore; and

2) what people have said not to do anymore.

 

Meanwhile, you shun the idea of an actual friendship as a waste of your time, and because you'd want to date the woman eventually and thus it's too painful, and yet here you are, busily plotting ways to put yourself right back where you always have been.

 

For the love of all that's holy, why would you do this to yourself, AGAIN? I seriously am mystified.

 

Didn't you swear up thread that you'd never be in the friendzone again??

 

:confused:

 

Ah the dreaded friendzone. No I have not forgotten. I once spent two years in a girl's friendzone.

 

I am going to have be very careful with how I proceed with this girl, if I choose to do anything.

 

If I do get into this girl's friendzone, it will be for a very short period of time. Now that I've had a girlfriend, I can't be content being with a girl for an extended period of time without being intimate with her.

 

In other words, if we do hang out one-on-one, we'll either quickly start dating, or go our separate ways.

 

Either way I don't know how much of a friendship we could when she knows I'm interested in her.

[somedude81]

Talk to her, dude! Spend time with her. Right now, you're just another guy in a sea of many guys. When you get to know her, you won't just be another guy.

 

I find its so much easier to fall for someone once you get to know them. They stop being just a random and they kind of grow on you. Easy to develop feelings after that, at least for me personally. Try, it won't hurt.

 

Exactly what I wanted to hear CC

 

Right now I know that I stand out to her and that I'm not just a random guy. For the past couple class sessions, as shown as she walks in, she sits down on the floor next to me and starts talking. Though I'm curious if she'd do the same on Wednesday now that things are in the open.

 

My goal is to spend time with her, or be around her so I can "grow on her: like Groot

 

Though eventually there has to be a time where I realize that it's not working with her and move on.

 

Of course I'm still going to pursue other women.

[xxoo]

.

 

Either way I don't know how much of a friendship we could when she knows I'm interested in her.

 

That's up to you. Now that she established "just friends", she's done her part in setting her boundaries for the relationship.

[Cristo]

Exactly what I wanted to hear CC

 

Right now I know that I stand out to her and that I'm not just a random guy. For the past couple class sessions, as shown as she walks in, she sits down on the floor next to me and starts talking. Though I'm curious if she'd do the same on Wednesday now that things are in the open.

 

My goal is to spend time with her, or be around her so I can "grow on her: like Groot

 

Though eventually there has to be a time where I realize that it's not working with her and move on.

 

Of course I'm still going to pursue other women.

 

This sounds like A LOT of work.

 

There's more to life than chasing girls, man. At your age, you should know this already.

[Content]

I don't subscribe to the slow burn thing it's usually a waste of time

 

Most women I've gotten with I could tell right away they like me physically then from there it was pretty easy I just had to not f it up

 

Keep trying till you get quick mutual interest and the women will let it be known how much she likes you

[thefooloftheyear]

A friend of mine has been playing this game with a grown woman(53) for over a year..He thinks she is going to somehow wake up one day, and realize that he is the man of her dreams...Never gonna happen..

 

That never works...In my experience, anyway..

 

The way that comes across is that you are "beating someone into submission"....Of course I am not talking in the literal sense.."Eventually he/she will grow to love me."..

 

That only worked for Forrest Gump, when Jenny was a broke single mom and had an incurable disease....great, what a sport...

 

I dunno...Its either there or its not...

 

YMMV

 

TFY