How Many Bad Choices Are Left? OMG!

[kewlrule]

UNBELIEVABLE SOAP OPERA EPISODE(S): Kind of long but you won't be disappointed!

 

I need help bad. Just after new year, my gf of 1 1/2 yrs. provoked a confrontation w/ me and we broke up. We had never officially said we loved ea other but I know I did and was afraid to say it first. It was a great/close relationship/friendship for all but last few months when she started to show classic commitment phobic behavior (I discovered the condition here). First mistake, I told her I loved her AFTER the breakup. She told me she "loved me but was not IN love with me". I found out she got into a sexual relationship w/ a guy at her work w/i 2 wks. We kept in sporadic contact and I asked her about any other men then or now...b/c we agreed to take time to see if we could reconcile. I begged her to tell me the truth so I could split if it were true (even tho I knew as a fact already). She denied it every time of course but I hung around anyway (sick I know).

 

Then in an emotional pit, I instituted no contact and kept it up for 3 wks. After 4th day she started calling/emailing/IM almost daily. She's always told me I'm the best man she's ever had in her life and doesn't want me to disappear...wants us to at least be friends. I spent the 3 wks forcing this notion out of my head. Eventually, I concluded I could do it...that I didn't want her to disappear either. I could construct an emotional shield against future pain that certainly will happen. I convinced myself. So I contacted her in person and really did have a change in attitude and was honest, open, and willing to try. We spent last weekend together (not spending the night) and I was amazed how she opened up and I was free-spirited. RELIEF!!! She initiated sex on the second day and still no emotional prob...we both said we were not sorry. Every free day since, we've been together...mostly good. No more sex til tonite b/c I let her initiate and she didn't. We went to the mall Sunday and she wanted to go in to a briadal gown store. At first I had no prob...never considered marrying her anyway. Then out of nowhere I get slammed by pain/hurt/fear...total backslide! I left her to look and she came out and asked to sit down to rest. She leaned over and kissed me like one of the "real" one's. IMMEDIATELY she looked at me and said "I don't know why I just did that." Man, fill-in-the-blank on how I felt. Blurrrrr after that...

 

Last night I agreed (I offered she didn't ask) to walk her dog on the evenings she works and she even gave me a key. And b4 I left, asked her what she thot was up w/ our relationship or lack of it and she acted shocked. I couldn't pursue the issue...wasn't in me. All I could muster was maybe the physical msgs vs. the non-physical msgs were confusing me.

 

Tonight I walked the dog AND cooked dinner at her place for when she got home. She asked me to put misc. papers on the table in a bag. Point blank I read the freaking papers and I found an unsent letter to her friend that outlined ALL of her probs w/ our relationship. OMG!!!! In November, she didn't know why, but she was starting to loose feelings for me AND at times wasn't attracted to me anymore. She said I didn't know the type of guys she's dated in her past and that sex had become a problem (never told me this) - "This relationship is definately going to end." But then she said she still knows how special and good I've been in her life and that she can't understand why she feels this way...keeps looking inside...afraid she's making a big mistake! So, this started in beginning of Nov. Well, I nearly had a panic attack-I wanted to confront her w/ hate when she got home but I couldn't (not wouldn't). She could tell I was upset and asked me what was wrong. I covered the issues by using what happened at the mall and how I thot sex was a problem b/c of her mixed msgs and that I wasn't sure if I could trust her even as a friend if she would lie about another relationship (btw "the guy" broke it off on the 13th-I know). I said I was thinking I would TRULY have to walk for good for MY sake (I meant it but fought it). She acted like I was from another planet (typical) but didn't really argue. She did strongly say that she NEVER cheated on me in our relationship (I believe her - no proof or suspicious guy) but didn't elaborate about afterwards (have proof). She also argued that she DID NOT lie about why "we" broke up - that she told me she wasn't in love with me and didn't want to hurt either of us knowing how I felt. Well, ok except we told ea other a few days AFTER "the day". About the sex - she didn't really say much at all except that there was nothing that wrong. Well, we calmed down and later she said that she still has very strong feelings for me and that she once was "in love" w/ me but had fallen out. She doesn't want me to go b/c I'm so special to her and that she wants to take it day by day and that she her feelings are stronger than she thot - "maybe" she could fall BACK in love with me! Then, she added "I just don't want to lead you on. You or I could meet someone tomorrow. I don't want to hurt you anymore and I don't want to get hurt." BIG SIGH - so guess what? She comes on to me like the old Lisa I love so much and we had great sex (her word "great").

 

Questions (Finally):

1. Was seeing/sex w/ "the guy" cheating? After breakup day but still agreed to try to reconcile.

2. Do I still walk the freakin dog (return the key)?

3. Is friendship possible? I "think" I can.

4. I'm not so sure she's commitment phobic now...do you think she's upfront w/ her real feelings that she could love?

5. If I bolt, how do I w/ minimal damage to her and me (I started this round and do care about her feelings)?

6. Sex issue...I'm not even sure WHAT to ask...

 

So, here I sit at my computer laying this mangled train wreck at your feet to make sense of and learn from. I can't and won't blame her now...I'm a voluteer in love with her. Thanks for your patience.

[d'Arthez]

Questions (Finally):

1. Was seeing/sex w/ "the guy" cheating? After breakup day but still agreed to try to reconcile.

2. Do I still walk the freakin dog (return the key)?

3. Is friendship possible? I "think" I can.

4. I'm not so sure she's commitment phobic now...do you think she's upfront w/ her real feelings that she could love?

5. If I bolt, how do I w/ minimal damage to her and me (I started this round and do care about her feelings)?

6. Sex issue...I'm not even sure WHAT to ask...

 

1. No it was not cheating. But the pain is quite logical. As long as you had not talked about exclusivity one way or the other she is free to do as she pleases.

 

2. Return the key. It's her dog and her responsibility. Or charge her for the favor.

 

3. I don't know why you would want remain friends with her. If she had so much issues with you, she should have told you honestly. She preferred to do otherwise, and break up. She made it hard for you to be friends, if not impossible. And can you ever be certain that she'll speak what is on her mind? She will be leading you on in your mind, because you will be hoping for a restoration of the relationship, especially as you have sex with her. Her words will always contradict her actions, in your mind.

You are good enough for her to remain in her life as a special person, but not as THE special person. Given your past, and the betrayal you suffered, staying friends is a recipe for suffering more pain (in the long run).

 

4. It more sounds like she does want to commit to someone, sometime - but not to you. Also notice that Mr. Sex Buddy was lined up pretty quickly. If she really wanted to commit to you, she would have at least given you a chance to improve the wrongs of the relationship, instead of doing what she did.

 

5. The ending of a relationship is not about doing minimal damage, or maximum damage. It's about honestly assessing what happened, what went wrong, and how things could have been different. If she has a fragile ego, let her deal with her fragile ego. Only by injury we can grow stronger. So take the blame where it is due, but also speak very openly about what she did wrong in your view.

 

6. Me neither

[LucreziaBorgia]

What to do about the sex? It depends - are you happy having sex and sharing that closeness with someone who is not in love with you and keeps you around by dangling you from the "maybe" string? It could be that what she needs from you right now is a minimum of commitment while reaping the benefits of great sex. Why would she be compelled to go back to a committed relationship when she's getting everything she wants with this situation? The sex is probably 'great' because there is no obligation on her part to have to deal with. Its all about what she wants, and what works for her.

 

It needs to be about what you want, too: having sex with her, no matter how great isn't going to make her change her mind about getting back with you because there is no motivation to change. You've shown that you condone and accept this arrangement: otherwise you wouldn't do it.

 

So, either stay in this limbo that works for her, or make the break to work toward what works for you, too. If you aren't happy with the situation, tell her that you can't continue having sex with her.

[mental_traveller]

This could be the behaviour of someone who has fallen out of love with you but is even less attracted to the idea of being alone (hence finding another guy to sleep with almost immediately after breaking off with you). She may keep a kind of "twilight" relationship going with you until she finds someone better, then ditch you. There might be a more innocent explanation, but personally I would be suspicious and on guard. IMO you are in danger of being used.

[billybadass36]

Originally posted by mental_traveller

IMO you are in danger of being used.

 

In danger of? I think kewl's been relegated to doormat status by this woman. You do too much for this woman, and she's taken advantage of your genuine goodness. This isn't how friends treat each other.

[Barby]

I read your post but none of the responses so forgive me if I repeat anything you've heard before..................I think she is keeping your around out of "PURE CONVIENCE" sorry to be so blunt but that's honestly what I get from this!

 

 

She is keeping you around until she meets someone else then once she sees he doesn't "dump her" she'll tell you she needs her space, ect, ect!

 

 

I honestly feel that she doesn't respect you very much nor does she really want to have you as a boyfriend. I wouldn't continue to walk her dog, yes I would return the key. Maybe tell her that you did in fact come across the letter and glanced through it. Why keep up the facade?

 

 

You seem like you're already regretting the relationship in the state that it's in now so that should tell you that in fact it probably isn't the best thing for you right now.

You asked how you could "bolt" with minimal damage to both of your feelings....IMHO I think you should just BE HONEST!!!!!!!!!! That way you won't have "unfinished" business later on, you can express your feelings about what you know, about how she's made you feel, ect, ect!

 

No matter what you choose to do I hope for your own sake that you do in fact realize that she's got you like a puppet on a string...keeping you with her "just in case" or "maybe" she falls back in love with you. Another words if no one else wants her she'll maybe come back!

[nicki]

hear hear, barby, you are so right...

 

kewl, please do yourself a favor and run...she's bad news. you deserve SO MUCH better than that.

 

i'd tell her everything that you know, then tell her you are finished with her crap. bye bye...

 

please project yourself into the future. do what you need to do at this moment to feel good about yourself later.

 

this is killing your self-esteem. she is not healthy for you.

 

you can pm me anytime. or we can go have coffee or something if you need an intervention! i'll be your sponsor!