Why is my FWB running away?

[KittyVanilla]

So, I'm going to cut this as short as possible. I met this guy who was quite a bit older than me and we hit it off immediately. Crazy chemistry. We weren't sure if we wanted to be in a relationship because of the age gap (14 years, I'm in my early 20s) so none of us really brought it up seriously and we were both skirting around the issue. I did talk about it once, briefly, but I wasn't sure either so we dropped it. We kept seeing each other, went out on a date and he let me sleep over. He'd sometimes make me food.

 

We've shared some pretty intimate details about ourselves and it seems like this situation is getting dangerously close to a real relationship. I think it's safe to say that any other girl in my situation would have probably felt the same way. So, I asked him and this time he got angry. He said he didn't want anything more but at that point, I'd been honest with myself about the fact that I really liked him anyway, so I didn't pressure him because I enjoyed the time we spent together... and yes, I was willing to take that risk even though he'd said that he wasn't interested in anything more.

 

Told him that I didn't usually do this and that I was afraid I was going to get too attached but wanted to give the whole FWB setup a try. He got mad at that too and said he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. So now I'm confused. He doesn't want a relationship and doesn't want the FWB either. He blocked me after we had that discussion.

It seems to me that I'm the one who's A LOT more open in this relationship. I've always been brutally honest and maybe that scares him? Lol idk but I really do like this guy and I've come to terms with that fact. Seems like HE hasn't.

Edited September 16, 2014 by KittyVanilla

[Ronni_W]

I've always been brutally honest and maybe that scares him? Lol idk but I really do like this guy and I've come to terms with that fact. Seems like HE hasn't.

It's not about coming to terms with how YOU feel about him...but about how HE feels about you. He is NOT INTO the same relationship with you, that you are into, with him. From what you posted, sounds best for you if you come to terms with that.

 

Possible even that he is married. Regardless of the rest of his life, it would be apparent that he wasn't/isn't looking for any type of thing with anybody would does "really like" him (or might end up "really liking" him).

[KittyVanilla]

It's not about coming to terms with how YOU feel about him...but about how HE feels about you. He is NOT INTO the same relationship with you, that you are into, with him. From what you posted, sounds best for you if you come to terms with that.

 

Possible even that he is married. Regardless of the rest of his life, it would be apparent that he wasn't/isn't looking for any type of thing with anybody would does "really like" him (or might end up "really liking" him).

 

 

I don't understand. If he was not looking for anything more, why did he get angry and block me when I accepted his FWB request? I told him sure, I'm young, we can try the FWB thing.

 

I am pretty sure he's not married. I've been to his house and he lives alone. Lol.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't understand. If he was not looking for anything more, why did he get angry and block me when I accepted his FWB request? I told him sure, I'm young, we can try the FWB thing.

 

That went out the window as soon as you told him you were developing feelings and/or afraid of getting attached. He is old enough to know that you wouldn't be able to navigate a FWB situation without your emotions getting in the way (and he's almost certainly right). He has decided you two cannot have any kind of future relationship and has ended things accordingly. It may seem like a jerk move, but he knows what he wants and he knows that this isn't it.

[KittyVanilla]

That went out the window as soon as you told him you were developing feelings and/or afraid of getting attached. He is old enough to know that you wouldn't be able to navigate a FWB situation without your emotions getting in the way (and he's almost certainly right). He has decided you two cannot have any kind of future relationship and has ended things accordingly. It may seem like a jerk move, but he knows what he wants and he knows that this isn't it.

 

Maybe you're right. I did consider that possibility. I'm too young for him for us to have any semblance of a relationship RIGHT NOW and I fully recognize it, but who's to say it can't happen in the future? Who's to say we can't enjoy the time we have NOW? You can have feelings for someone and enjoy the time spent without putting a label on it (because of the circumstances etc..)

 

I just wanted to bring a little bit of happiness into his life. He's always really serious, jaded and pessimistic. Hah.

And the cold, hard truth is yes... I'm nowhere near his level of professional/financial success. I'm not his equal in that respect. It's okay. I'm young, I have the rest of my life to make money and start a career. So if he doesn't take me seriously because of that, it's not really anyone's fault. We're just at different points in our lives. I'll never meet his friends, he'll never meet mine. I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, but I do know that I enjoy giving. My time, my love or my affection.

 

He'll probably move on to meeting a woman that he CAN settle down with. And I'll move on with my life, even though I know it will hurt. I just wanted to be positive and live in the moment. I wanted to let it run its course. I didn't want to put stress on myself, on him, or on the arrangement. It's so easy to slap on labels on relationships and assume that just because someone has the title 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend', it's serious. This is all very hard to swallow when you really like someone... but I guess I was being a little naive.

 

P.S. Pretty sure he's not married. He's from another country and moved here (permanently) for work. And he lives alone.

Edited September 16, 2014 by KittyVanilla

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

...Who's to say we can't enjoy the time we have NOW? You can have feelings for someone and enjoy the time spent without putting a label on it (because of the circumstances etc..)...I just wanted to bring a little bit of happiness into his life...I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, but I do know that I enjoy giving. My time, my love or my affection...And I'll move on with my life, even though I know it will hurt. I just wanted to be positive and live in the moment. I wanted to let it run its course. I didn't want to put stress on myself, on him, or on the arrangement. It's so easy to slap on labels on relationships and assume that just because someone has the title 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend', it's serious. This is all very hard to swallow when you really like someone...

 

You think all these statements make you sound happy and breezy and loving and easygoing, spontaneous and in love with the moment, the kind of carefree girl that every man wants. But it's not what every man wants, and it's clearly not what you want deep down, either. You want someone who will love you and be unafraid to have a serious, labeled, exclusive relationship with you; someone who will introduce you to his friends and be excited to call himself yours. If you were truly at peace with your situation with this guy you wouldn't think his unequivocal rejection is "very hard to swallow". You'd have moved on by now and never even thought to post about it. But you are correct that he's looking for someone on his level and you are not it---not because you're anything lesser, but because you aren't in the same places in life and can't connect the way he wants, even if it's just on a sexual level.

 

He knew that being involved with you would end badly. He ended it before you could truly get hurt. You'll thank him for that someday.

[KittyVanilla]

You think all these statements make you sound happy and breezy and loving and easygoing, spontaneous and in love with the moment, the kind of carefree girl that every man wants. But it's not what every man wants, and it's clearly not what you want deep down, either. You want someone who will love you and be unafraid to have a serious, labeled, exclusive relationship with you; someone who will introduce you to his friends and be excited to call himself yours. If you were truly at peace with your situation with this guy you wouldn't think his unequivocal rejection is "very hard to swallow". You'd have moved on by now and never even thought to post about it. But you are correct that he's looking for someone on his level and you are not it---not because you're anything lesser, but because you aren't in the same places in life and can't connect the way he wants, even if it's just on a sexual level.

 

He knew that being involved with you would end badly. He ended it before you could truly get hurt. You'll thank him for that someday.

 

You are right.

I know he's doing me a favour that way...it's just really hard. But I think my intentions are sincere. But I guess you just can't force it if it's not what you want. Thanks for your input. Any other advice?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Stop settling for less than you want. Never invest more interest than you receive. Don't waste your youth on anyone who won't match you measure for measure. Find a man you're crazy about who is just as crazy about you.

 

There's this notion nowadays that a woman who is interested in marriage and commitment is "clingy", that men can't be expected to put up with that kind of thing, and that you have to make yourself as seemingly aloof and unavailable as possible until he suddenly discovers he needs you. This is just false. Real men will pursue you and leave no ambiguity about their feelings for you. There are plenty of these men out there, too. Get one.

 

...oh, and watch a lot of Lifetime movies this weekend and wonder about how this guy is probably a serial killer or something.

Edited September 16, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[KittyVanilla]

Stop settling for less than you want. Never invest more interest than you receive. Don't waste your youth on anyone who won't match you measure for measure. Find a man you're crazy about who is just as crazy about you.

 

There's this notion nowadays that a woman who is interested in marriage and commitment is "clingy", that men can't be expected to put up with that kind of thing, and that you have to make yourself as seemingly aloof and unavailable as possible until he suddenly discovers he needs you. This is just false. Real men will pursue you and leave no ambiguity about their feelings for you. There are plenty of these men out there, too. Get one.

 

...oh, and watch a lot of Lifetime movies this weekend and wonder about how this guy is probably a serial killer or something.

 

Ha. Right? Sometimes things aren't that simple though. Plenty of people get married and then get divorced. People make mistakes. Just because someone ISN'T ambiguous about their feelings doesn't mean it will be a real, lasting relationship. And vice versa. People come with their own issues, baggage, limitations and circumstances.

 

Just saying though... for the sake of discussion

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like he didn't communicate with you as delicately or compassionately as he should have, but you have to respect him for being clear about his boundaries.

 

Once you opened up and showed him you were developing feelings, he saw that things were going too far and he shut it down. That was a WAY better choice for him to make than Option B, which was to string you along, toy with your emotions, and let your feelings get deeper while he had no intentions of anything serious.

 

It's obvious from your post that you wouldn't be able to handle a breezy "FWB" thing with this guy.

[BeholdtheMan]

He's afraid of that slippery slope

 

Currently, he probably views you as a slab of meat unable to shut up as he bones you. He can't let you become a FWB. What next? A girlfriend?

 

If he's opposed even to FWB, he can't have a very high opinion of you

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Ha. Right? Sometimes things aren't that simple though. Plenty of people get married and then get divorced. People make mistakes. Just because someone ISN'T ambiguous about their feelings doesn't mean it will be a real, lasting relationship. And vice versa. People come with their own issues, baggage, limitations and circumstances.

 

Just saying though... for the sake of discussion

 

Good God, I can't stop cringing. It's like you're me at age 23. "Sometimes things aren't that simple! Even most committed relationships fail! Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean it's going to work out! People change millions of times throughout their lives! Isn't personal freedom the most important thing? Why bother with marriage since it fails so often? I don't need a boyfriend, I want someone who will be my partner and lover and friend!"

 

At the time I thought I believed this, but even a small part of me knew better. If I genuinely believed it, I wouldn't have felt pangs when I saw people who were happy together. And I certainly wouldn't have fantasized about my easy breezy crush/FWB realizing he was deeply in love with me. It was just a desperate attempt to convince myself I was OK with what little he was offering.

 

Don't settle for this. Don't try.

[KittyVanilla]

Good God, I can't stop cringing. It's like you're me at age 23. "Sometimes things aren't that simple! Even most committed relationships fail! Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean it's going to work out! People change millions of times throughout their lives! Isn't personal freedom the most important thing? Why bother with marriage since it fails so often? I don't need a boyfriend, I want someone who will be my partner and lover and friend!"

 

At the time I thought I believed this, but even a small part of me knew better. If I genuinely believed it, I wouldn't have felt pangs when I saw people who were happy together. And I certainly wouldn't have fantasized about my easy breezy crush/FWB realizing he was deeply in love with me. It was just a desperate attempt to convince myself I was OK with what little he was offering.

 

Don't settle for this. Don't try.

 

I'm 20. Let me bathe myself in my self-delusion for a little while.

[preraph]

He just wanted a simple F buddy and you acted like you did too but you never really did since you said you skirted the issue before and then finally told him. He's mad because you broke the deal. The deal with FWB is you don't develop feelings. In my opinion, FWB is a misnomer. It's really F buddy. He wants no attachment at all with you, just sex with no obligations, only what he's willing to give. He's mad because you broke the deal or never meant it all along. You don't need to be in any more FWB relationships. You need a real bf.

[Tayla]

Him- into exploitation.

You- Exploration.

Big difference.

Stay out of the FWB scene...I've yet to see it create any sincere benefits, no matter how its spun.

Casual relations is way different then the rules for FWB.

He is a foreigner, who is to say his wife isn't back in his homeland.....Or maybe he's a fugitive living under a guise...Ohh I gotta stop reading those real life stories people put on the internet, after all everything is true on the internet ( Little humor to get ya thru).