She's texting... someone.

[Diezel]

So, I am trying to be objective about this, but it's hard when it is myself within the situation.

 

I've been with someone for a while now and know that she is a habitual texter. She texts her mom and her best friend consistently. She also just started out doing freelance work so I know that lately she has been reaching out through texts to clients and potential clients.

 

The problem is that lately, my insecurities have been flaring up.

 

Ever since she told me last weekend that a potential client had offered to give her a "massage in the shower" (He's no longer a potential client)... my mind has been working overtime about all of this.

 

Some nights that we spend together, we will sit in her bed and watch TV. From time to time, she will check her phone and text her mom/friend. She sits right next to me and I can see the screen and what she is doing. But I never really look at the convos unless she shows me.

 

Well, on Sunday, she sat in bed with me but in an angle where I could barely see the screen... this happened at the same time that her best friend was going through a "crisis". So I knew she was talking to her, but I also noticed that she was talking to an Unsaved number through text.

 

I only got a glimpse at the number, but it was almost as if inadvertently she was trying to hide the conversation and maybe the number or even name from me. Granted, it could be anything, and it could be that this is the first time I've ever noticed this behavior (She might have done it in the past and I didn't notice)... I didn't know what to say because now I KNEW she was texting a third party.

 

Now, I am supposed to spend the night at her house tonight. I'll be vigilant, but I'm basically asking more objectively minded people... if I see her slanted again and text furiously, what do I say? How do I bring this up without being too emotional?

 

I wish I could say there were signs pointing to her being with someone else, but other than this... there are none. She's never blown me off, flaked on me and usually tries to schedule herself into my life as much as I can. We spent the majority of the weekend together and what time we don't, she is with her family. I don't know if this is a new orbiter in the game, a potential client or what... but it's definitely flared up my jealousy factor. She hasn't cooled off, she still calls/texts/visits regularly. So I am wondering if this is more of a projection on myself than anything else.

 

I didn't say anything on Sunday, but I am almost certain that if it happens tonight, I will want to say something to her tonight. Any advice/comments/questions... feel free. I won't be around to respond to them til after work unless I come home during my break.

 

I'm just worried that (A) My fear and emotionality are blinding me or (B) My spidey senses are going off for the right reasons.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

To me you and her have different ways of communicating. Women no matter how old they are like to be in touch. Men are more flexible with being in and out of touch. Outside of you knowing your insecurities, you are feeling out of place with so much contact going on around you.

 

Face it, if your in a particular age group, social contact has made a false sense of personal importance. Peeps who are addicted to having constant contact through txt and emails, are shortening their personal importance with their mates. Most don't realize the importance of being personal is being right there next to you, not in the palm of your hand.

 

Some peeps like keeping or holding on to personal freedoms, and will not adjust them to meet a relationships requires. All relationships require a mutual agreement between parties on what is expected and met.

 

You can think of it as, I'll give you equal time if you give me equal time. Every relationship has some balance between the wants and needs of two involved. Once balance becomes offset, one will feel less involved.

 

You can take time away when she starts a txting frenzy so to speak. Let her seek you out time to time. Show here when she is txting, your time is not being shared. Simple as that. Once she realizes there is too little time being shared, asking to allow for one hour of free txt time when you both are alone, should be fair. Also not to break it up into segments, as all it does is make same distractions.

 

This way you know for sure how your side of the relationship stands. Eventually she will see the point or your fears will be proven right.

 

I never make demands, just work with what I got, so making any demands to change only makes things more difficult in the long run. Showing the other how it effects you being indirect allows them to see the other side of the coin.

 

I just watched a BBC show called Web Junkies. It is one of the recent Storyville episodes. If you are outside of the UK, you may find a way to watch online. To summarize the show, it takes place in China. They have recognized that Web Addiction is an issue, and has developed a program of 700 facilities to combat such addiction. They have over 70% success rate. Since money is to be made the US and UK will not address such addiction. Eventually something will be done, as many who are addicted are unable to enjoy not being connected in some way to the internet. Many confuse txting and messaging as being personal contact. Without the Internet, the means in which we make contact through devices will cease to exist.

 

I hope you both find a better and more compatible way of sharing personal time without feeling you are 2nd to an electronic device.

[Zahara]

Ever since she told me last weekend that a potential client had offered to give her a "massage in the shower" (He's no longer a potential client)... my mind has been working overtime about all of this..

 

In what sort of conversation would one make such a statement? This is a red flag to me.

 

I don't imagine I would be having an exchange like that unless 1) I'm enabling it 2) I'm encouraging it 3) I'm engaging in it.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Zahara

[Thicke2013]

In what sort of conversation would one make such a statement? This is a red flag to me.

 

I don't imagine I would be having an exchange like that unless 1) I'm enabling it 2) I'm encouraging it 3) I'm engaging in it.

 

 

My fiance' is in sales and frequently has customers or co-workers text regarding business. She is a beautiful female in a male dominated industry. She gets a lot of attention. Anything outside the normal business dialogue and she shuts it down immediately. It does happen. Obviously she has to be friendly to a certain extent and some guys take that as interest. She had a co-worker texting her just last night about a problem at one of her customers plants and he ends the conversation by asking her to dinner. She said sure if you don't mind if I bring my fiance'! LOL He replied that I might get in the way and she politely told him that it would be in everyone's best interest if he kept the communication between the two of them strictly business. He apologized and said good night.

 

My fiance' and I have an open phone policy. We both use our phones for business and personal and we keep lock codes on them because of my kids, but she has my code and I have hers. If she is texting in the bed next to me I'll ask, "who are you texting?". To which she will tell me and turn the screen to me and show me. I have the same respect for her. Anything outside that open line of communication has no place in a relationship in my opinion. If you suspect something, simply ask her who is she texting and ask to see. Her reaction will tell a story all by itself.

[Omei]

Obsessive testers are the worst :S

 

If my partner texted next to me all the time even when in bed together I would go nuts.

[johnson_j]

Obsessive testers are the worst :S

 

If my partner texted next to me all the time even when in bed together I would go nuts.

 

 

 

Mine did. Turns out she was texting her "ex". And when I asked, he was just a "friend". That's why she is now an ex.

[Purepony]

My fiance' is in sales and frequently has customers or co-workers text regarding business. She is a beautiful female in a male dominated industry. She gets a lot of attention. Anything outside the normal business dialogue and she shuts it down immediately. It does happen. Obviously she has to be friendly to a certain extent and some guys take that as interest. She had a co-worker texting her just last night about a problem at one of her customers plants and he ends the conversation by asking her to dinner. She said sure if you don't mind if I bring my fiance'! LOL He replied that I might get in the way and she politely told him that it would be in everyone's best interest if he kept the communication between the two of them strictly business. He apologized and said good night.

 

My fiance' and I have an open phone policy. We both use our phones for business and personal and we keep lock codes on them because of my kids, but she has my code and I have hers. If she is texting in the bed next to me I'll ask, "who are you texting?". To which she will tell me and turn the screen to me and show me. I have the same respect for her. Anything outside that open line of communication has no place in a relationship in my opinion. If you suspect something, simply ask her who is she texting and ask to see. Her reaction will tell a story all by itself.

 

Does she have a sister?

[Dork Vader]

I find excessive phone use to be a major issue. It does not matter what they are doing on it.

 

If you are feeling second to their phone. You have a major issue in your relationship. That is when you need to have a discussion about how you feel second to her phone.

 

It's a tad suspicious that she would hide the screen. But unless you have other red flags I would not be overly concerned about it.

 

Take absolutely no solace in the fact that she has given you access to her phone. It means NOTHING. I've had ex'es do it and they were sexting other men.

 

If you want to find out what's going on then snoop. Wait until she is out cold and take a peak.

 

If you find nothing that concerns you, have a talk with her about the excessive phone use and see if you can find compromise.

 

If you find something that concerns you then play it cool. If you want to end things do not confront her. Just say you no longer see this relationship going any place. If you want to work things out bring up the excessive texting and say you have concerns about all the textes she's getting from so and so. That you would like to see what that is all about. Bam you've confronted her and she can't get up set that you snooped.

[lolablue17]

1. Why don't you just be natural (not once, do it frequently every day) and ask her? ask her who is she talking to, then ask "about what?", ect ect... Get yourself involved in her convo to her mom, friend etc...

 

If she refuses to answer, well, that a different story because it means she doesn't want you in her life.

 

2. About the texting itself. it's a plague. I hate it. You can try to ask her to reduce the heavy texting while she is with you.

 

My wife texts all the time, even if we are in a romantic dinner or a convo. I tried to tell her many times that she is with me now, and it's not polite or nice to texts others constantly at the same time. She has refused to stop it.

 

So after few month I gave up. When she start texting I just quit. that's why we dont talk so much lately ;);)

Edited September 16, 2014 by lolablue17

[Diezel]

To further explain (I was in a hurry earlier):

 

We already had this conversation before. A few months ago, in the middle of me saying something important to her about my sister, something that had shook me up, she picked up the phone to reply to her best friend. She didn't even hear what I said, and I got pretty upset.

 

We talked about her phone usage and I told her it was okay if she texted her mom, because they are really close. She's shown me bits and pieces of when her mom and her talk... and same with her best friend and her have convos.

 

I've even seen glimpses of convos with her clients/co-workers.

 

This was just the first time she had ever sat in a way that I couldn't see the screen. Or maybe the first time I noticed.

 

The convo she had with someone about a "massage in the shower", was with a prospective client (Who she knew beforehand as a high school friend). She told him that she was stressed with work and freelancing but was up to the task. He replied that a massage in the shower would help.

 

What burned me was the fact that she waited a few days to tell me because she was afraid of my reaction. So ever since then, I'm starting to doubt things. Her admitting that to me happened 2 days before this text fiasco. Everyone on her phone has a name, but this number she was texting... was just that, a number. All I know is that it was a local area code.

 

And now, I was supposed to go tonight over to her place, but she's sick. So now she's saying that she is staying at her mom's house. All throughout the day she's talked to me and called me. Yesterday we saw each other at lunch and she was in pretty bad shape (it started on Sunday)... I was trying to tell her that I could come over anyway (being sick never stopped her from wanting me to come over before), but then realized... if she is going to do something, she'll do it either way and I'll have to gauge her actions whenever I see her next.

 

I told her to just stay home at her mom's and to get better. She said she promised to make it up to me next time we see each other.

 

Seriously, if that convo about the massage hadn't taken place, this thread might not exist. I won't lie. If she tells me that she is talking to someone else, I'll be upset, for a day. But I'd rather know what is going on than to not know at all whether she is or isn't.

 

Having the convo with her as to what is going on is skating a fine line of not trusting your partner versus wanting the truth. It seems like either way, it might be a lose lose for me.

[GorillaTheater]

Quite the mindf*ck, eh? You have enough to cause that seed of doubt to germinate, but maybe not enough to throw in the towel. Not enough tangible evidence, that is. Whether you have enough just plain doubt to end things may be another story.

 

It's tough because you may never determine whether this is all innocent or not. Do you have any kind of plan?

[Diezel]

We just spoke for a while on the phone.

 

I don't know what my plan is. She's never given me any single doubt to believe she would do anything like that to me. Other than the texting, I've had no major issues with her other than the normal couple fights.

 

She doesn't have endless male friends that call her at all hours. She usually flakes on everyone else to be with me. She's usually one to want me to come over or her stay over.

 

Just this past weekend... she stayed her Friday night, left Saturday morning... came back with her dog and we spent the afternoon together. She went back home to her parents' house because she was house sitting for them. Sunday she spends with them, and then Sunday night I stayed with her.

 

So it just could be an unfortunate series of mini-events.

 

All I can do right now is observe her behavior going forward.

 

She just did say that she didn't want me staying over tonight because she knows how important Saturday is to me and she doesn't want to get sick. She's right, it's an annual BBQ that we look forward to all year... so who knows.

 

If I do find out she is talking to someone else... that's exit, stage left. I don't deal with cheaters.

[Dork Vader]

Look if evidence starts to mount that she is cheating let it build until you catch her red handed.

 

Take note of red flags but don't let it effect you or the relationship. From what you said it does not sound like a huge deal.

 

If you show that you're on to her she's going too do a better job of hiding it. So you don't want to go that route.

 

If the red flags cotinue to pile on wait until you are 100% ready to end the relationship. Trust me if anything is going on she'll slip up and you'll see the res flags.

 

If the texting has never been an issue before it might have been a one time thing. I have hid conversations I've had on my phone from my ex'es. I was talking about them and did not want the girl friend to know about it. Those conversations usually involved me either talking of leaving or surprising them with something good.

 

Just take your time and make sure you do the right thing. Make sure you do what is good for you.

[Phoe]

I used to not date women who are on the phones too often. I soon found out that ruled out every single woman under the age of 40.

 

Nah. There definitely are young women who aren't all that interested in their phones. I'm one of them.

 

OP - Other than being a little too attached to the phone, I don't think there's a problem here. This isn't raising any red flags for me. In my opinion, I think your imagination it just running a little wild.

 

One thing I will say - if you have any sort of self respect, or respect for her, do NOT snoop through her phone. That's a really slimy, spineless thing to do and would result in an INSTANT dumping if someone did that to me. Nor do I think it would be wise that you demand to see her phone. Again, if someone did that to me, they would find themselves single.

 

Best action would be to calmly ask her who she's texting, and let her know that you'd appreciate it if she spent less time on the phone when you guys are together. Perhaps see if she's willing to consider it like a "no phone zone" when you guys are in bed together. Tweak it to suit your needs.

[Diezel]

Yeah, it might be my imagination running wild.

 

We spoke on the phone a bit more last night, she called from her mom's and she was telling me about her day and the prescription med her doctor gave her and on and on.

 

It might have been a one time thing, I'll just keep observing.

 

As far as snooping, she blocks her phone. I don't know her code, I don't want to know her code. If I do that, I think I've already lost the battle. I wouldn't take the phone away, but if I see the same strange number again, I WILL ask.

 

I'll try not to be impulsive and take a few days and see how it goes.

If I see her texting that number again and I ask who she is texting and she doesn't mention who it is... then I know she is lying.

[Thicke2013]

Yeah, it might be my imagination running wild.

 

We spoke on the phone a bit more last night, she called from her mom's and she was telling me about her day and the prescription med her doctor gave her and on and on.

 

It might have been a one time thing, I'll just keep observing.

 

As far as snooping, she blocks her phone. I don't know her code, I don't want to know her code. If I do that, I think I've already lost the battle. I wouldn't take the phone away, but if I see the same strange number again, I WILL ask.

 

I'll try not to be impulsive and take a few days and see how it goes.

If I see her texting that number again and I ask who she is texting and she doesn't mention who it is... then I know she is lying.

 

I look at it like this. We all have insecure moments no matter what. If I can take one of those possible moments away by having an open phone policy it is a win, win for the both of us. She knows my code and I know hers but not once has she looked through my phone. She doesn't feel the need to and I don't feel the need to look through hers.

 

Nah. There definitely are young women who aren't all that interested in their phones. I'm one of them.

 

OP - Other than being a little too attached to the phone, I don't think there's a problem here. This isn't raising any red flags for me. In my opinion, I think your imagination it just running a little wild.

 

I agree. I think a few small circumstances untimely grouped together have your spidey senses going off. Keep an eye out but don't go all gung-ho just yet.

 

One thing I will say - if you have any sort of self respect, or respect for her, do NOT snoop through her phone. That's a really slimy, spineless thing to do and would result in an INSTANT dumping if someone did that to me. Nor do I think it would be wise that you demand to see her phone. Again, if someone did that to me, they would find themselves single.

 

Best action would be to calmly ask her who she's texting, and let her know that you'd appreciate it if she spent less time on the phone when you guys are together. Perhaps see if she's willing to consider it like a "no phone zone" when you guys are in bed together. Tweak it to suit your needs.

It's all about the boundaries.

[Dork Vader]

I know a lot of people feel that looking through your SO's phone is wrong. Yeah when you're first starting to date. I would agree it is intrusive and violates some privacy. I don't do it unless one they have given me access, two I have multiple reasons too, three they tell me they are okay with it.

 

 

But at some point you should be okay with it. You can't be committed and have these separate secret lives. Sexting and social media are becoming the leading cause of failure in relationships.

 

 

I honestly don't think you have a whole lot to worry about based on what you have posted. The red flags are clear cut and always there. Just google/bing "signs of cheating" "signs of sexting" and read up on it. Trust me, you'll know it's going on. Just make peace with the fact that 1. if it is you can't stop it and 2. she'll eventually slip up.

[Diezel]

That's the thing though... I'd rather err on the side of cautiousness than be that guy who in 6 months says, "How did this happen!?"

 

I'll just continue to monitor things as time goes by over the next few weeks.

[Dork Vader]

Yeah I understand that. Just make sure you're not overly critical of her.

 

 

Really just google/bing "sexting" and "is my cheating" it will give you a guide to it. I can say with 100% confidence that every single time I've been cheated on. ALL of the warning signs were there. They were clear cut too.

 

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt now. If more stuff starts too pile on then come back and give us the list of why you suspect she is cheating.

 

 

What is 6 months? Do you have some place to be? Are you giving anything up? Are you going to miss out on anything? No. So trust her until you have solid reasons not to trust her.

[littleplanet]

Obsessive testers are the worst :S

 

If my partner texted next to me all the time even when in bed together I would go nuts.

 

Agreed.

 

Texting has become the new social life. Existence as an avatar.

Add in doubts and suspicions, and it's ADD all over again.

And when it's constant....one may as well be married to the phone, and not another human being.

That becomes the real relationship.

Even when putting the phone down, the mind is over there - not within the dimensional physical realm.

Like a soft, cute, cuddly addiction.

You are what you type.

 

Back in the days of rotary dial wall phones.......how did people gage responses and intentions? Was every ring an instant call to arms? Did we jump at the sound, and then analyze the vocal tones? Did we watch and listen like hawks?

No.

A hand-held device now becomes the new nuke that blows up the world with every suspected twitch.

Helluva way to live.

[Diezel]

What is 6 months? Do you have some place to be? Are you giving anything up? Are you going to miss out on anything? No. So trust her until you have solid reasons not to trust her.

 

Will do.

 

I'm sure as the days go by, this will subside.

It's the fact that we haven't really seen each other because she is sick that is compounding it.

 

I saw her for a bit at lunch and she only pulled out her phone once, and it was because she had to text a friend for something of mine. Other than that, we were just talking for a good 40 minutes.

 

So we'll see... I'm way better about it today.