How do I leave my husband without hurting him?

[oldshirt]

I will admit to having a really hard time understanding how someone could leave a good marriage to someone they love because they might have feelings for someone else.

 

To me it doesn't matter whether that "someone else" is male or female. Why aren't people here giving the same advice they would give if she were attracted to another man? Which would be to work on the marriage, etc.

 

She isn't gay - at most, she is bisexual. She is still attracted to men. So why does the fact that she might be attracted to a woman change anything? How is it different than if she said "I love my H but I'm not in love with him, and I think I might be attracted to someone else" (a man)? In that case everyone would not be telling her how great it is that she left her marriage to experiment with this.

 

This is sad.... this man does deserve someone who loves him and only him, and the only sure thing here is that he isn't going to waste much time finding it. Many women (including myself) would love to find such a guy.

 

I was in her husband's shoes 20-some years ago. I wasn't married but it been a several year relationship.

 

The thing we have to keep in mind is she is not leaving him for another person. She is leaving the traditional heterosexual lifestyle for another species.

 

She doesn't even have an individual of that species picked out yet, she is currently freeing herself of entanglements to pursue what she believes is her true path.

 

No one is saying that there won't be pain, second-guessing and some heartache at times. But in the long-term, there is always more pain if people try to ignore their nature.

 

And some people are never going to agree or accept this.

[oldshirt]

I think SS's husband may get over it sooner once she starts a relationship with a woman. She is ending the marriage not to see another man or through boredom or lack of love, but because she may be gay. Although he will find it tough it is less of an attack on his masculinity. It is something totally beyond his (or her) control, so most likely easier to handle.

 

Good point. In my case I was not married and didn't have to deal with divorce and splitting property etc etc, but I was dating again in a month and in another long term relationship at two months. I met my now wife 2 years later and will have our 19th anniversary in a few weeks.

 

Conversely my xGF moved in with a gal she had met a month prior right after our break up and I don't think that lasted more than a few months. I think she had a series of volatile, dysfunctional relationships until we completely lost contact a couple years after our break up.

 

I'll say this about her husbands chances of moving on - there are certainly a lot more sane, heterosexual women in the world who are interested in a stable relationship with a good guy than there are sane, stable lesbians who are capable of a long term healthy relationship with another woman.

 

Lesbians may be soft and cuddly but very few of the ones I have ever met would I describe as healthy and squared away.

[DKT3]

Good point. In my case I was not married and didn't have to deal with divorce and splitting property etc etc, but I was dating again in a month and in another long term relationship at two months. I met my now wife 2 years later and will have our 19th anniversary in a few weeks.

 

Conversely my xGF moved in with a gal she had met a month prior right after our break up and I don't think that lasted more than a few months. I think she had a series of volatile, dysfunctional relationships until we completely lost contact a couple years after our break up.

 

I'll say this about her husbands chances of moving on - there are certainly a lot more sane, heterosexual women in the world who are interested in a stable relationship with a good guy than there are sane, stable lesbians who are capable of a long term healthy relationship with another woman.

 

Lesbians may be soft and cuddly but very few of the ones I have ever met would I describe as healthy and squared away.

 

That's simply not fair. My best friends sister is a lesbian and has been with the same woman for upwards of 20 years. They are both sane and stable. As are most of the lesbians I know.

[oldshirt]

That's simply not fair. My best friends sister is a lesbian and has been with the same woman for upwards of 20 years. They are both sane and stable. As are most of the lesbians I know.

 

Oh I'm sure they are out there, I just don't know very many.

 

Most of the lesbians I know have been very damaged and have lots of issues.

 

That's really neither here nor there though. My point is he will likely move on pretty quickly and efficiently as the world is full of hetero females who want to be with a good guy.

 

She is likely to encounter quite a few bumps in the road though comparatively. The road to the lesbian lifestyle is often not paved with roses and sunshine (neither is the hetero world either of course)

[Got it]

I believe she is saying she is wanting to go to a lesbian life choice. So not necessarily bisexual.

 

I would much rather have my SO tell me that their sexual orientation is different and "set me free" than stay in a relationship where they are feeling unfulfilled and not a fit.

 

Sexual orientation, to me, is pretty black and white and I am not interested in staying in any grey.

[Trimmer]

I think she is internally unhappy and is somewhat placing the blame of that on her husbands lap, if only he was a woman.

I don't agree with this. I know that she said this:

 

There is nothing wrong with my marriage except that he is not a woman...

... which, taken out of context, might sound like she's blaming her husband, but I don't get the overall sense from her posts that she is doing anything other than saying that she has changed and feels the need to do what she is doing because of her own drives.

[SuperSally]

I think she is internally unhappy and is somewhat placing the blame of that on her husbands lap, if only he was a woman. For a short period she will be happy because she feels being with a woman is the fix-all.

 

I just want to take a little bit of exception to this statement.

 

I do not think a woman will be fix-all at all, in actual fact I have no idea whether it will work at all.

 

All I do know is that life threw me a massive curve ball and out of the blue I was with someone when I was longing for someone else (not anyone specific, you know what I mean). I could have tested the waters on the side, heck I could have even done it with my husbands full knowledge but I chose not to do that as it would not be fair on him and I would not get a true indication of whether I was on the right path. I felt I needed to be alone with no fall back position to truly embrace this path.

 

That may turn out to be the worst choice of my life in hindsight but right now it was the only choice I could possibly make. I may never even find a compatible woman, that's a scary thought, I don't want to be alone, but at least now I am free to start looking when I'm ready. I am under no illusion that this woman will magically fix everything, all I know that if I didn't take this path I would have been lying to myself and my hubby. I am eternally grateful that he was able to understand that.

[DKT3]

I just want to take a little bit of exception to this statement.

 

I do not think a woman will be fix-all at all, in actual fact I have no idea whether it will work at all.

 

All I do know is that life threw me a massive curve ball and out of the blue I was with someone when I was longing for someone else (not anyone specific, you know what I mean). I could have tested the waters on the side, heck I could have even done it with my husbands full knowledge but I chose not to do that as it would not be fair on him and I would not get a true indication of whether I was on the right path. I felt I needed to be alone with no fall back position to truly embrace this path.

 

That may turn out to be the worst choice of my life in hindsight but right now it was the only choice I could possibly make. I may never even find a compatible woman, that's a scary thought, I don't want to be alone, but at least now I am free to start looking when I'm ready. I am under no illusion that this woman will magically fix everything, all I know that if I didn't take this path I would have been lying to myself and my hubby. I am eternally grateful that he was able to understand that.

 

You take exception, yet you don't really disagree.

 

The thing about this that show your blaming your husband, even if not consciencely, is were you say its unfair to him.

 

Why? Because you came to him with a problem he offered a solution proving how deeply he cares for you and you say its not fair to him. NO what's not fair to him is you telling him what's not fair to him. You gave him your truth, you are attracted to women. Rejecting his solution proves that you actaully see him as the problem. His solution is reasonable, but in don't so you would remain committed to him, you love him so what's wrong with that? If its a relationship that works, then why not try it?

 

Here is the thing Sally, your not happy, something is missing that's clear. That something is within your skin, yet your looking for an outward road to travel and find it. If your unhappy with yourself its impossible to be happy in any relationship man or woman.

 

I'm not saying this next part to hurt or add pain to your situation, but in the long run he will be happier. So you did him a favor. He seems like the kind of guy that would have given you any thing to make you happy, now he finds that he failed. In the short term he will beat himself up for it. In the long term he will likely find a woman who will be over joyed to have that in a man and they will truly make him happy because her focus will be on him for what he is, not on who he isn't.

 

I know this can't be easy, and you did what you honestly felt was best for both of you. The issue is you can do that for him, and secondly the motivation behind it (the honest true one).

 

Your were honest with him, mostly. Now its time to get honest with yourself. Gay, straight, or bi you will never be happy with another person until your happy with yourself.

 

Good luck, and again I admire what you've done, even if I question your motives.

[SuperSally]

Well it seems as though hubby isn't taking it as well as first thought. He has already retained a lawyer and is going for the kill in the divorce.

 

I was hoping we could be adult about this and work it out ourselves, knowing I was in the wrong I was willing to be generous. Now it looks like I have a huge fight on my hands and will have to throw away money on a lawyer myself.

 

I think it's his parents that have put him up to this as I was never really their favorite. He wont take my calls and has only responded to one email and one text saying "please send any future correspondence through" his lawyer.

 

This is very disappointing and not the way I wanted to enter the next phase of my life. I guess any plans of looking for a partner have to be put on hold now which is probably a good thing. I was planning on waiting 6 months but in the last week I must admit I had been snooping on some dating websites.

[A.Moscote]

Well it seems as though hubby isn't taking it as well as first thought.

Oh dear..what do you expect? It hasn't been a month since he has had to face this situation. Of course his reactions will be unpredictable, to have to let go a life. Let's hope he will get past his emotions after a while.

 

Now on your side, be patient and compassionate, and take things calmly. Defend your rights and fight any ridiculous demands, but do so justly and within limit. You are super, you should be much stronger than to simply retaliate to his rage.

 

One more, I think it is wiser to hold off dating for the time being, or at least to be extra careful and vigilante about it, lest you will put more gasoline into the fire.

[oldshirt]

Well it seems as though hubby isn't taking it as well as first thought. He has already retained a lawyer and is going for the kill in the divorce.

 

I was hoping we could be adult about this and work it out ourselves, knowing I was in the wrong I was willing to be generous. Now it looks like I have a huge fight on my hands and will have to throw away money on a lawyer myself.

 

I think it's his parents that have put him up to this as I was never really their favorite. He wont take my calls and has only responded to one email and one text saying "please send any future correspondence through" his lawyer.

 

This is very disappointing and not the way I wanted to enter the next phase of my life. I guess any plans of looking for a partner have to be put on hold now which is probably a good thing. I was planning on waiting 6 months but in the last week I must admit I had been snooping on some dating websites.

 

This is very common if not downright standard in many divorces.

 

The WS has fantasies of just walking away Scott-free and seamlessly stepping into their life without a hitch or any bruises. and the BS has fantasies that the WS will wake up one day wanting to reconcile so they don't make any waves or cause any problems........at first. Then one day they wake up and smell the coffee and realize they are getting walked on and the gloves come off.

 

And yes his folks probably had some long serious talk with him about getting everything he is entitled to, as did his friends and his coworkers and his barber and cousin Ralph from Montana and the girl that runs the coffee shop down the street and the ladies that work at the front counter at work etc etc etc etc.

 

This sht be get'n real now.

 

This is what divorces are and the fact you are walking out to rub up against other women isn't going to change that or give you any kind of immunity from that.

 

You may be doing what you have to do, but it isn't going to shield you from any of the realities of divorce.

[CarrieT]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Sally.

 

It is not entirely a surprise, I have to say. Many people - not just men - who have their relationships pulled out from under them react similarly because it puts them back in control in some fashion.

 

A very good friend of mine who just ended her relationship with her child's father is experiencing a similar situation. Because she no longer wants to be in the relationship and offered a settlement on their business together, he is also lawyering-up in an attempt to regain control - i.e., the upper hand - in the situation.

[SuperSally]

he is also lawyering-up in an attempt to regain control - i.e., the upper hand - in the situation.

 

I thought I had given him the upper hand with my offer. Granted it was only a very casual preliminary conversation but I had every intention of honoring it.

 

Basically I came into the relationship with a lot more, when we bought our house I put $100k towards the deposit but he only had $10k. I earn significantly more than him so throughout our time together I have basically been paying two thirds of everything, the mortgage, the utilities, the holidays, the savings... everything. Not that it actually worked that way as all our money went into a joint account but that is what it would work out to.

 

Even though I would probably be entitled to a 65/35 split in my favor I offered him a straight 50/50 split, if anything he came out ahead, he was going to keep the furniture and a small investment portfolio we have and his car is worth triple mine. In return my superannuation/retirement fund will be worth much more than his upon retirement.

 

What he's proposing is like a 60/40 split in his favor, it's just wrong. He wants half the house, the investment, his car, and wants me to pay into his retirement fund so it's worth the same as mine when he retires. All he proposes I get is half the house and my car. I really didn't want this fight but right now I'm angry and pretty much want to screw up the 50/50 offer and fight for everything that's mine.

[CarrieT]

Sorry, Sally, but without a pre-nup all those numbers about your initial investment and his investment into the house get thrown out the window and it becomes a 50/50 proposition.

 

By asking for more, he is loading his guns with the intent to get stuff like his retirement evened out. Frankly, it might work.

 

I just got married (at the age of 50) last year and part of our pre-nup involved the lawyers really getting heated over the retirement and it ended up with the fact that my new husband has to match my retirement to his as well...

 

I'm not saying it is right or wrong (personally, I didn't care but my lawyer was insistent and I had to sign a waiver on other things she wanted for me that I didn't want to fight for), but that the best you can do is lawyer-up, get mediators, and let THEM fight it out.

 

Lastly, it is not personal, it is business. Learn that mantra. In the end, it is JUST MONEY which is ephemeral and illusive. Your well-being and heart are worth much more in the big picture.

[jackslife]

Sally it is interesting that your rolls have been reversed. Usually the man is the high earner and when he leaves his wife, usually takes a kicking in the divorce settlement from his hurt wife. (Look at John Cleese )

 

It's also interesting that you tried to do the right thing and keep it amicable. The Lesson here is simple. Anyone who is married, wants a divorce and wants to do the right thing, should start putting money to one sidearm, protecting assets etc and get a very good lawyer.

 

I think you should now get the best you can afford.

(On another note you said your MIL never thought you were right for her son. In all fairness she was right)

[SuperSally]

By asking for more, he is loading his guns with the intent to get stuff like his retirement evened out. Frankly, it might work.

 

Well that's just BS. I haven't worked longer hours than him, studied to better myself and get better paying jobs and then come home to do virtually all the housework and cooking while he lazes around for some snotty nosed lawyer to tell me he deserves an bigger than equal share!

 

I was prepared to give equal, I'm not so sure now. It's no wonder people just cheat, this is just BS.

[SuperSally]

.

(On another note you said your MIL never thought you were right for her son. In all fairness she was right)

 

No sorry that's not right. I was the perfect wife but things changed, I didn't want them to but they did. Then instead of taking the easy way out I took the honest way out. I was totally in love with him but sometimes people grow in different directions and that's what happened here. I couldn't just ignore that we are on two different paths right now. Surely when things are not working and have no chance to ever work that moving on with dignity is something that should be praised? Not oh, I knew she was never any good!

[oldshirt]

No sorry that's not right. I was the perfect wife but things changed, I didn't want them to but they did. Then instead of taking the easy way out I took the honest way out. I was totally in love with him but sometimes people grow in different directions and that's what happened here. I couldn't just ignore that we are on two different paths right now. Surely when things are not working and have no chance to ever work that moving on with dignity is something that should be praised? Not oh, I knew she was never any good!

 

No one is saying you are evil or ever had any ill-intent. Moms just have a way of knowing these things.

[DKT3]

Well that's just BS. I haven't worked longer hours than him, studied to better myself and get better paying jobs and then come home to do virtually all the housework and cooking while he lazes around for some snotty nosed lawyer to tell me he deserves an bigger than equal share!

 

I was prepared to give equal, I'm not so sure now. It's no wonder people just cheat, this is just BS.

 

Welcome to the mans world.

[SuperSally]

Welcome to the mans world.

 

Oh please... generally the man may earn more but the woman makes up the difference as they generally do more around the house. I was doing both !!!

 

It's not OK to say I should just suck it up because in the past it has happened to some random men.

[DKT3]

Oh please... generally the man may earn more but the woman makes up the difference as they generally do more around the house. I was doing both !!!

 

It's not OK to say I should just suck it up because in the past it has happened to some random men.

 

My younger brother is a doctor. He married young and his wife has been with him through med school. She never paid a dime, never paid a bill she is the laziest human being I have ever met. Yet should they divorce would she leave with what she put in or with his money along with his future earnings? He was told, it would be impossible to prove she didn't contribute. As will it be for you. Not even being able to show you've earned 100x more then him over the span of the marriage. Who to say that all of his earnings didn't go to the bills and your towards ski trips.

 

Divorce is complicated and messy when people are hurt. He is hurt, there is a chance that he is really trying to hurt you back. Maybe he will back down some when he processes what's going on.

[Tayla]

Oh please... generally the man may earn more but the woman makes up the difference as they generally do more around the house. I was doing both !!!

 

It's not OK to say I should just suck it up because in the past it has happened to some random men.

 

Okay lets agree that the tides are turning and you are now getting a taste of what men have been enduring in the divorce world. Its not random, its been that way for a long time. Contingent on marital length and contributions, he may fair well in this divorce. You'll both have to be prepared for the concessions.

[SuperSally]

There has been such a turn of events here. Out of the blue he has agreed to split our assets as I had suggested. He has even had the paperwork drawn up and signed it! Wow.

 

I'm glad that a little bit of time has allowed him to think straight and realise he was getting a good deal.

 

Now that the property is finalized (or will be very soon) all I have to do is wait until we can officially get a divorce.

 

I have no idea what caused the flip but it's very welcome I must say. Now I can focus on me until I am ready to step into (the very scary) dating world.

[Trimmer]

There has been such a turn of events here. Out of the blue he has agreed to split our assets as I had suggested. He has even had the paperwork drawn up and signed it! Wow.

 

I'm glad that a little bit of time has allowed him to think straight and realise he was getting a good deal.

 

Now that the property is finalized (or will be very soon) all I have to do is wait until we can officially get a divorce.

 

I have no idea what caused the flip but it's very welcome I must say. Now I can focus on me until I am ready to step into (the very scary) dating world.

Maybe he looked into it - possibly even got some legal advice - and realized that what you were offering was essentially what he could hope for in any realistic legal settlement.

 

In our divorce, I made it really clear to my ex that I was intending to honestly and fairly split everything 50/50, no hiding, no fighting, etc. I believe she appreciated that, and took the same attitude, and we did the whole thing ourselves, using an hour or two of attorney time just to check over the paperwork we produced before filing it (just to be sure it was generally clean and free from mistakes, etc.) All done, no fights, no lawyers arguing with each other, no hearings. Other than emotionally - and this is key: we put that aside for the purpose of moving on - everyone thinks they got a fair deal.

 

And that's really the key: can the parties put the egos and the hurt feelings aside to just get it done and move forward?