How do I leave my husband without hurting him?

[SuperSally]

If the option is between:

(a) giving him a chance to talk about it and work out some kind of a solution, or at least some kind of graceful exit plan; or

(b) unilaterally deciding to leave him;

 

Don't you agree that for option (b), the chance of any kind of moderately successful outcome (which I define as some kind of meeting of the minds and mutual grace between the two of you) is exactly 0%?

 

Thanks Trimmer for that (and of course all the other posters saying the same).

 

I guess I always knew that a talk was the best option but it seems so hard to find the right words. I am having trouble explaining this to myself, the thought of having to explain it to anyone else is terrifying.

 

I will talk to him and I will do it soon. Fingers crossed that there is the least amount if pain as possible, I didn't mean for this to happen, I really don't want to hurt him.

 

Thanks everyone for the friendly replies.

[oldshirt]

 

I guess I always knew that a talk was the best option but it seems so hard to find the right words. I am having trouble explaining this to myself, the thought of having to explain it to anyone else is terrifying.

 

I will talk to him and I will do it soon. Fingers crossed that there is the least amount if pain as possible, I didn't mean for this to happen, I really don't want to hurt him .

 

Ok first off I have to ask - is there more that you are not telling us?? Is there a two ton elephant in the room that you are not wanting to discuss? Is there a darker side to this that you haven't mentioned yet?

 

Your resistance to talking to him him about something very common and basic and your fear of "hurting him" seem way out of proportion than you having some urges to feel another woman.

 

Remember he's a guy and guys don't have anywhere near the discomfort and intimidation in discussing sexual that women do. The topic that you're trembling in your boots about, he's probably already bantered about with his buddies a half dozen times already this week.

 

As I stated before, there is a high likelyhood he will actually be excited and titillated about this.

 

All women have a certain level of appreciation of female beauty and the vast majority of women have some degree of curiosity if not actual desire of touching another at some point. This is nothing strange or shocking.

 

So I will ask again, is there something darker and more worrysome taking place here that you haven't told us yet?

 

Is there more dissatisfaction and second guessing taking place in your marriage that you haven't mentioned yet?

[Oui oui]

In my opinion this isn't that much different than anyone else wanting sex outside of their marriage. You have to discuss this with him and, yes, it will cause pain. He may try to work out something with you, I know my man would not be ok with sharing me with another person male or female. It's still adultery either way for him. I think some personal counseling would be my recommendation. Above all please be honest with him. I was lied it during a 15year marriage about his true feelings for me and that hurt the most...

[DKT3]

Ok first off I have to ask - is there more that you are not telling us?? Is there a two ton elephant in the room that you are not wanting to discuss? Is there a darker side to this that you haven't mentioned yet?

 

Your resistance to talking to him him about something very common and basic and your fear of "hurting him" seem way out of proportion than you having some urges to feel another woman.

 

Remember he's a guy and guys don't have anywhere near the discomfort and intimidation in discussing sexual that women do. The topic that you're trembling in your boots about, he's probably already bantered about with his buddies a half dozen times already this week.

 

As I stated before, there is a high likelyhood he will actually be excited and titillated about this.

 

All women have a certain level of appreciation of female beauty and the vast majority of women have some degree of curiosity if not actual desire of touching another at some point. This is nothing strange or shocking.

 

So I will ask again, is there something darker and more worrysome taking place here that you haven't told us yet?

 

Is there more dissatisfaction and second guessing taking place in your marriage that you haven't mentioned yet?

 

I too, were thinking along these lines. But then again she knows her husband and we don't. Maybe she knows it will be a much bigger deal for him then maybe it would be for you or I.

 

The thing I don't understand is her willingness to just walk away because she couldn't handle the thought of a more polyamorous marriage. I kinds get the feeling what she wants is the freedom to explore with the option to return in the future, while he sits alone and waits, broken and single.

 

Op I know you said you didn't think it would be fair, but isn't that what you really want?

 

I had been with my wife since we were 17 & 16, when she had her affair one of the things that I couldn't push out of my mind is "what else is out there" couple that with her still not being honest left me with no other option then to file and move forward alone. I found that she was still the only woman I wanted so we restarted our relationship. Point is, I may have gotten to that place even without her affair kinda like you have. I really have my doubts that I could have continued without exploring those options. So I get it.

 

On the flipside, fantasy is almost always best left as fantasy or explored in small doses.

[jackslife]

On the flipside, fantasy is almost always best left as fantasy or explored in small doses.

 

I'm not sure how she can explore her fantasy in a small dose. Surely she has to either have sex with another woman or she doesn't.

 

If you read enough of the forums there is often a hidden undercurrent regarding sex. With so many BS's shouting 'dump him/her' it often gets missed. And that is the deep sexual desires that people have that can't be met in their marriages.

 

This is a perfect example. Her desire for another woman and to explore her sexuality simply can't be met in a monogamous marriage. Leaving the poor woman potentially with an all or nothing scenario. If her husband says "no", she either has affairs, ignores her needs or divorces.

 

There is a regular poster on LS, a BS, who is ranting about his ex-wife. From his and the other BS's POV it is all about "she's a cheater, how could she" etc etc. But when you read about her behaviour it is clear her sexual preferences and fantasies could never be met in a monogamous marriage. While her affair was wrong - her only other choice was to say to him "I love you honey, but I need rough sex with strangers".

 

Again and again read between the lines on a lot of these forums and you'll find loving marriages where one of the partners needs simply can't be met in the marriage. Throw in Christian guilt and the advice of people saying ignore your needs your married now, it's no wonder so many are unhappy in their marriages.

 

Saying to a spouse (who doesn't have those needs or can't/won't understand them), I need xyz kind of sex and I don't get that here is very difficult. And often to the person involved to end their marriages because of sex seems mad. So they stay, frustrated, often unhappy, resentful, some having affairs and usually totally misunderstood.

 

Speech over.

[Discjockey80]

While we 'feel' and experience many things at different stages of life, it's not acceptable to betray a spouse or to simply indulge every desire just because you have it. In my opinion, while the idea of sharing a wife with another woman is hot, the reality may be a lot different for him and often is a lot different for men once they get into that scenario. You will have to decide whether to end the marriage or to put these desires away.

 

 

If by chance he does agree to some sort of an arrangement, you will have to consider possible future unseen ramifications.

 

 

If the need is something that can in any way be met by him, whether its a different demeanor or manner in bed, then it can be met in the marriage. Often times, that's what it seems to have to do with.

 

 

But if you can't...then let him go first.

[oldshirt]

I just think it's very significant that the title of this thread is not "I'm having feelings for other women" or "how do I tell my husband I want to touch other women" or " would my husband be ok if I go to bed with another woman?"

 

No, her title is, " How do I LEAVE my husband without hurting him?"

 

Then throughout the thread she talks about how hurt he's going to be and she doesn't know how to break it to him without crushing him and so on.

 

I realize in my world an appropriate venue for a wife to disclose her bisexuality is with cake and ice cream and party balloons and noise makers and cheering friends and family all around you clapping and cheering etc LOL

 

...and while I realize that's not everyones reality, I do think there is more going on here. I have the feeling her mind is made up to leave and she's looking for a way to dump him rather than a way to talk to him about her bisexuality.

 

CarrieT and I have had long, in-depth discussions about this kind of thing with our partners and we can walk her step by step on how to discuss this with her husband, but she doesn't seem to want to discuss exploring this WITH him. She seems to blow off people urging her to talk to him. She seems more interested in how to leave him.

 

I think we need to know what she's not telling us.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure how she can explore her fantasy in a small dose. Surely she has to either have sex with another woman or she doesn't.

 

.

 

Absolutely not true. There are a thousand intermediate baby steps between doing nothing and having full-blown sex with another woman.

 

She and her husband can discuss fantasies over pillow talk. They can watch girl-girl-girl porn together and discuss their feelings about it. They can log into fem bisexual chat groups and discuss their interests there with other similar couples. They can go to a swingers club or meet and greet and meet other similar couples and just socialize and dance and party and see how it goes. They/she can go to a lesbian bar and hang out and meet people etc. the list goes on and on.

 

That's what I'm finding odd at the moment. There are lots of tiny incremental steps she can be taking to explore this that do not involve dumping him and and going out and buying a Subaru and filling the closet full of Burkinstocks and diving head first into the lesbian lifestyle.

 

I'm hoping Sally will come back and fill us in on this missing piece of the puzzle.

[DKT3]

Absolutely not true. There are a thousand intermediate baby steps between doing nothing and having full-blown sex with another woman.

 

She and her husband can discuss fantasies over pillow talk. They can watch girl-girl-girl porn together and discuss their feelings about it. They can log into fem bisexual chat groups and discuss their interests there with other similar couples. They can go to a swingers club or meet and greet and meet other similar couples and just socialize and dance and party and see how it goes. They/she can go to a lesbian bar and hang out and meet people etc. the list goes on and on.

 

That's what I'm finding odd at the moment. There are lots of tiny incremental steps she can be taking to explore this that do not involve dumping him and and going out and buying a Subaru and filling the closet full of Burkinstocks and diving head first into the lesbian lifestyle.

 

I'm hoping Sally will come back and fill us in on this missing piece of the puzzle.

 

Well said. No doubt she could include him in this.

 

It does feel like something is missing here.

[pteromom]

How you tell him is just honestly. You are confused - so it is ok to express that confusion to him.

 

I wouldn't say you aren't in love with him, since honestly you don't know WHAT you feel at this point.

 

I would tell him what you are feeling inside, share your confusion, and see if he comes up with a solution.

 

Maybe he will want to just divorce. But that would be the outcome anyway if you just leave him. At least this way there is opportunity for something else.

 

As far as you not being ok with him and someone else, you may need some time to warm up to that idea, just like he would need some time to warm up with you and another woman. Don't write off the possibility.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again and again read between the lines on a lot of these forums and you'll find loving marriages where one of the partners needs simply can't be met in the marriage. Throw in Christian guilt and the advice of people saying ignore your needs your married now, it's no wonder so many are unhappy in their marriages.

But isn't such singular pursuit of one's individual needs on the list of things you voluntarily agree to deprioritize when entering into a marriage?

 

You can't have it both ways - the comfort and validation of home and family on one hand, at-all-cost and headlong search for your own needs on the other.

 

No one (normally) forces you into matrimony and there should be plenty of time to perform your own risk/reward calculation going in. Hopefully what you get is worth what you're asked to give up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

I also think you should reconsider on the thought of opening the marriage for both of you. You say you can't handle the thought of him with someone else but if you choose to leave him, that'll certainly be on his list of to-do items.

 

Like the others, I agree that you should honestly talk to him. I also think you should consider loosening some of your own boundaries if you'd like him to do the same. Some people have 'rules' that no emotions be involved (to protect the primary relationship) and rather than full disclosure of each encounter, perhaps you might prefer that he exercises discretion with you.

 

My point is, perhaps you each have different requests (he may be ok with you being with women but not men) and it may be possible to meet in the middle (making you both comfortable with a compromise) rather than just hitting eject button on the marriage altogether.

 

I also agree that a unilateral decision to end the marriage is likely the cruelest option, causing both the most hurt and the most bitterness.

[HereNorThere]

Since you are bisexual, I don't really see the difference in whether you leave a perfectly good relationship with a perfectly good person for a man or a woman. Either way, you're just being selfish because you have "urges" and somehow feel entitled to explore them. Look, we all have "urges" maybe not having homosexual urges, but urges. Part of getting married is putting that part to rest and committing yourself to your partner. You've already stated that you don't like the idea of him being with someone else, so what makes you hold yourself to a different standard than the people you love?

 

Quit idealizing things can't or don't have a focus on the amazing things you do. You're on a slippery slope to destroying your whole life and another person.

Edited September 19, 2014 by HereNorThere

[Priv]

And it's not all about the sex anyway. Sure that is part of it, I cannot deny that, but it's on an emotional level as well.

 

I am not very well versed in swinging/threesomes/adult clubs etc. and I think it might work for the sex part. But the OP does not just want to do other women, she wants an actual relationship with one. Which I think might be a tad more problematic and harder to digest, even in that world no?

Edited September 19, 2014 by Priv

[SuperSally]

In my opinion this isn't that much different than anyone else wanting sex outside of their marriage.

 

That's no quite right. I don't want sex outside my marriage at all, that's the reason why I was thinking of ending the marriage. A majority of posters here seem to think that a husband may allow his wife the ability to step outside the marriage (I'm not so sure) and as one poster suggested you don't know if you don't ask. Who would not want their cake and eat it too if everyone goes in clear and with full knowledge?

 

I do think there is more going on here. I have the feeling her mind is made up to leave and she's looking for a way to dump him rather than a way to talk to him about her bisexuality.

 

That's a fair comment. I had (have?) made up my mind. I can't see how he would agree to me having a relationship with another person regardless of gender but as some people think he may be ok I am willing to ask.

 

She seems to blow off people urging her to talk to him..

 

That's not a fair comment. In fact I stated the opposite here...

 

I will talk to him and I will do it soon.

 

I'm hoping Sally will come back and fill us in on this missing piece of the puzzle.

 

The only missing pieces are that I am not just looking to explore by bisexuality with another woman, I feel it in my bones that I want a relationship with another woman. Discussing a threesome with my hubby would be a lot easier than discussing wanting to have a totally separate relationship with another person because I believe that will lead to an end to the marriage. Maybe me wanting to end it is a defense mechanism knowing (believing) that it will end anyway?

 

Since you are bisexual, I don't really see the difference in whether you leave a perfectly good relationship with a perfectly good person for a man or a woman. Either way, you're just being selfish because you have "urges" and somehow feel entitled to explore them..

 

No, no, I don't feel entitled at all. I know I am in the wrong but as silly as this may sound I cannot control what I feel. I have been fighting the feelings for quite a while so much so that I know they are not just going to go away. I wont cheat and I don't think it's fair to ask him to "share me", but as others have said it's worth a discussion and that is what I will be doing.

 

But the OP does not just want to do other women, she wants an actual relationship with one.

 

This is right. This is not about sex (although that is a part), this is about relationships. I wish I could verbalize it better but I just know that I want to be with another woman. I want to wake up next to her, I want to sit and watch TV cuddling her, I want to go on holidays with her, I want to go shopping and hold hands with her, I want to make plans and build a future with her.

 

Now will my hubby allow me to effectively lead two lives? I doubt it, I really don't think it's fair to even ask him but I will as he deserves the chance to make a decision.

 

I am sorry if I have offended anyone, I don't want to come across as a heartless person that wants it all for herself but is not prepared to reciprocate. Although that is what I am saying I do realize just how wrong and hypocritical that is.

 

I am not proud of myself for ending up in this situation and I am devastated that it's likely that I will hurt my hubby a whole lot. But I had no control over this and I guess unless you have lived it it may be hard to understand, I did not choose to be gay/bisexual, but yet here I am. I have to make the best of the hand I have been dealt.

[jackslife]

I did not choose to be gay/bisexual, but yet here I am. I have to make the best of the hand I have been dealt.

 

SS. You are in a very difficult situation, but you are not the first person to have faced it. I think you have decided what you need to do and should do.

 

My advice would be to contact a gay/bi-sexual helpline or website. They will be able to offer far better and more helpful information than on here. So many other women their would have been through what you are going through so will be able to offer really good personal advice.

 

An old school friend of mine was married, had 4 children and ultimately ended his marriage because he was gay. He couldn't control or fight against who he was. He and his wife were both sad, but she was very supportive. He now has a husband and is really happy with his life.

 

You are right you didn't choose who your sexual preferences, so good luck to you. I'm sure it will all work out for the best.

[oldshirt]

Ok thank you for filling us in on the rest of the story. This does go deeper than I had originally thought.

 

From my perspective as being in your husband shoes, I will stand by my original position that you should discuss this with him and discuss your true feelings and wishes and discuss options and strategies with him.

 

I also urge that you first seek a counselor that deals with sexual orientation issues and work with that professional on how to approach this with your husband. This is not going to be resolved in a day and will likely play out over many months if not even years.

 

These are things that need to be addressed with the aid of a professional counselor to minimize the pain and chaos.

[oldshirt]

So let me sum it up like this - now that I see the depth of your interest in women, I concur that there is a reasonable chance your marriage will ultimately end at some point.

 

But let me put it like this, if you are upfront and open with him before taking any actions, he will be able to make an informed decision on what his future will be. If he opts out, he will be much less bitter and resentfull down the road than if he gets the rug pulled out from under him out of the blue.

 

The one caveat I would urge is do not offer any false options. If your mind is made up that you ARE going to pursue other women, do not present it in a way that implies he has any veto rights or anything. If your mind is made up that you will divorce, do not imply that he has the option of sharing you.

 

Do be upfront and discuss it with him and allow him the respect and dignity of making informed choices on his actions. But do not imply choices that do not really exist.

[HereNorThere]

 

No, no, I don't feel entitled at all. I know I am in the wrong but as silly as this may sound I cannot control what I feel. I have been fighting the feelings for quite a while so much so that I know they are not just going to go away. I wont cheat and I don't think it's fair to ask him to "share me", but as others have said it's worth a discussion and that is what I will be doing.

 

Those are just excuses and rationalizations so that you can justify this type of behavior. "I cannot control what I feel." Really? You've never felt like cussing someone out and didn't do it? You've never stopped yourself from doing something even though you felt like doing it?

 

Remember, you aren't leaving to be with someone else, you are leaving to be alone. There is no guarantee that you are going to move on to some perfect fantasy land relationship with another person. Instead you may end up a bitter old woman, alone, while someone better than you takes your good partner and rides of into the sunset.

 

"I cannot help what I feel" is such a cop out. If I acted on every impulse, thought or feeling I had, I'd be dead or in jail. Instead I choose self-preservation and empathy over my selfish wants and idealizations.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks for all the replies. I will try to answer all as best I can.

 

First off we have no kids.

 

A few have mentioned open relationships or swinging but to be perfectly honest I am very selfish here and I could not deal with knowing he was seeing another woman. And I dare not go to him and say "Hi honey, I want to start sleeping with other people but I am not going to afford you the same privilege". I don't think I could be that unfair to him.

 

And it's not all about the sex anyway. Sure that is part of it, I cannot deny that, but it's on an emotional level as well. This is hard to explain because it makes it sound like I am currently being neglected emotionally and that is not true. I guess I truly understand now when people say it's not a choice to be gay (or in my case more accurately potentially bisexual), I haven't chosen this, I'm not sure I even want this, I certainly don't want to hurt my husband and yet here I am on the verge of leaving because the feelings are so overwhelmingly strong.

 

As someone said I may start dating women and realise that was not what I was looking for after all. That is so true, I have no idea whether a lesbian relationship is for me. A summer fling for a month 16 years ago is no indication that at this point in my life I now want a full on relationship. Of course that is what my head is telling me as I analyze all this, my heart is saying "you know you want it, go for it"

 

It seems the majority response is to discuss options with my hubby, I couldn't imagine he would be thrilled and give me a free pass to go off and explore by myself but that seems to be what others think may happen. Is that really the case? Would any guys reading this be ok if approached by their wife to let her enter into a lesbian relationship without wanting the same freedom in return?

 

From the sounds of things you're asking for advice on what to do which seems to be unanimous and yet you're finding all kinds of excuses why they won't or can't work in your situation. Something has to give here. I think oldshirt made a good point that you're ASSUMING a great deal when it comes to your husband. That's not to say your worries aren't warranted or there isn't some risk in opening up this particular can of worms but CHOOSING not to give him an opportunity to weigh in here while you go stir crazy with unrequited desire is just a recipe for disaster.

 

If you could purchase a magic wand off of Ebay that would make all your dreams come true, how exactly would you like to see this whole thing play out?

[HermioneG]

But isn't such singular pursuit of one's individual needs on the list of things you voluntarily agree to deprioritize when entering into a marriage?

 

You can't have it both ways - the comfort and validation of home and family on one hand, at-all-cost and headlong search for your own needs on the other.

 

No one (normally) forces you into matrimony and there should be plenty of time to perform your own risk/reward calculation going in. Hopefully what you get is worth what you're asked to give up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes. Yes.

 

And sometimes those "needs that cannot be met within a marriage"? Are not reasonable or able to be accomplished within a marriage and other responsibilities

[SuperSally]

Those are just excuses and rationalizations so that you can justify this type of behavior. "I cannot control what I feel." Really?

 

A few years ago I would have been making the same comment if I was reading a thread like this. After having lived this I can assure you it is not a choice. I don't know what changed, I don't know why it changed but I have an overwhelming desire that tells me my place is with another woman. I have battled hard and not acted on it but I have come to the realization that it is not going to go away.

 

I hope that you never have to go through this, it is likely going to destroy my marriage and has engulfed me all through no choice of my own.

 

Remember, you aren't leaving to be with someone else, you are leaving to be alone. There is no guarantee that you are going to move on to some perfect fantasy land relationship with another person. Instead you may end up a bitter old woman, alone, while someone better than you takes your good partner and rides of into the sunset.

 

Exactly. But what choice do I have?

 

I did not ask for this.

I will not cheat to see if I like it first.

So I am left with few choices, leave or talk and see what happens (which may well end up in leaving anyway).

 

I may well find out that this is not for me and then I am left alone. That is not a great option but what else can I realistically do?

 

If you could purchase a magic wand off of Ebay that would make all your dreams come true, how exactly would you like to see this whole thing play out?

 

I would want to have never had these feelings and still now and forever more love and be in love with my husband.

 

Given that we can't go back what would be my ideal option now? To be with a woman and be free to develop it into a serious relationship BUT still be with my husband and continue everything we have. I guess a polyamorous marriage of sorts except that him and her are not sexually together. Something that is very unlikely to be achievable and something that I was initially even unwilling to ask for.

 

But remember this is still a fantasy, I have no idea how it is going to play out in real life. I may not even find a woman that wants a relationship with me.

 

I am going to give some thought to exactly what I will say and how I will approach this conversation with my hubby and then sometime soon sit him down and lay all my cards on the table.

[HereNorThere]

Have you considered speaking with a therapist? Do you have a history of obsessing or obsessive compulsive disorder?

 

I still don't think you get what I am saying. What choice do you have? You have tons of choices that don't involve leaving your marriage, destroying your partner and ultimately betraying the lifelong commitment that you made to him. You have a choice to stay true to your word instead following childish impulses, feelings and obsessions.

 

I think you are putting way too much emphasis on the gender of the next partner you are leaving your husband for. A huge percentage of the population is bisexual, so it sounds to me like an excuse. What if I said "I had an experience with a blonde once and now I think I may really prefer a blond partner. My wife is a brunette, so I would like to let her down gently." That's about how rational the justifications you've made up in your head sound.

 

If you want to leave your husband, fine, but you are leaving him because you want to be with other people. You made a commitment to him and you are going back on that commitment. It's absurd to act like it's not choice.

[SuperSally]

If you want to leave your husband, fine, but you are leaving him because you want to be with other people. You made a commitment to him and you are going back on that commitment. It's absurd to act like it's not choice.

 

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

I have heard, as I am sure you have, for many years gay people say they had no choice in their orientation. Honestly I was never quite sure of that but am now 100% convinced.

 

Good honest people grow apart sometimes and it's sad when it happens. It can happen for many reasons and in my case it's because my sexual orientation has changed. I didn't mean for that to happen, it wasn't a choice and I can't ignore it. If I was to put a label on myself I would say I was a lesbian with the exception of my hubby.

 

Maybe we can reach some agreement and continue and I will give that every opportunity but staying exclusively with my hubby is not something I can do. If that makes me a bad person I will just have to wear that label. What I can't do is just pretend I don't have these overwhelming feelings and push them to the rear.

 

You can continue to be judgmental if you want (although I would prefer you to be constructive), I am just trying to make the best of a bad situation.

[MuddyRock]

I guess the answer to the argument is, is Sally Bi or gay? Sounds like you are gay and don't want to admit it so you say bi. If you are Bisexual then yes you are choosing a blonde over a brunette so to speak. If you are gay then you must leave. Don't see how you could be gay if you were once in love with your husband in a romantic way.