The detail of my wifes affair continue to arouse me

[jchere]

I am about 8 weeks from finding out my wife had an affair with an old highschool flame. We are both fully committed to our relationship now and I think we will be better than before once we have time to heal. We had gone through some tough times financially, work, kids, etc over the past 3 years and my wife hit the wall. We have been married 28 years and our last kid was just finishing school and headed off to university. My wife was basically a stay at home mom but had started to work part time and was doing way too much volunteer work. Anyway, this old friend called her and they met once, then a couple of weeks later he ask to meet he at a conference he was attending. They spend two night together, the second they had sex.

I needed to know the details and my wife was very remorseful and co-operated with what ever I wanted. We have been to counselling and are working hard on our own sexual relationship. We have discovered each others language of love and I am listening and focusing more on her while she it touching me more. I can tell she is working hard and it is wonderful.

Problem is I keep getting in a funk and obsessing over the sex part. Our therapist says it is normal. I want to go back to the details and my wife is fine with that.

Early on she told me all the details. the sex was not great and was awkward. They danced in the hotel room and then made out. Getting under the covers before taking the cloths off. She did not touch him on his penis until he was about to enter, as he did not touch her either, she used her hand to rub him up and down her vagina. She told me she was wet but that he was not really ready when she touched him. She said she was nervous and scared, and did not orgasm.

When I first heard this I was hurt, pissed off and aroused, it was hard for my wife to talk about it but she answered all my questions. The poor performance, the awkwardness, and the fact it was only once made it easy for me to move toward forgiveness. The details helped.

We are slowly, using techniques from our therapist, getting back to having intimate sex. I am like falling in love again. She is also saying she is rekindling her passion. It will take time but it is good to see.

However, I continue to obsess over the details and even masterbate to the images of him caressing her breast, them deep kissing (something we stopped doing year ago) and him pumping her. I am continually aroused and want to ask more details. The down side is that after I finish the images are not arousing and make me feel bad.

I did have lots of fantasies about my wife with other men prior to the affair. But I never and still do not ever want to really see it. I know longer have that fantasy but I do obsess over this one.

Therapist says it is normal, my wife is fine with it. Will it stop? Is it something I just need to let happen and it will subside? If I do not let it happen will it stay with me?

[Mr. Lucky]

Therapist says it is normal, my wife is fine with it. Will it stop? Is it something I just need to let happen and it will subside? If I do not let it happen will it stay with me?

It's a phase, just as this is a phase:

I am like falling in love again. She is also saying she is rekindling her passion.

Get ready at some point to be angry...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I believe it's a psychological defense mechanism. It's a way for your mind to help you cope with the betrayal in that it is allowing you to sort of 'reclaim' the experiences and take back the control that your wife stripped away from you. I know when I was merely having suspicions of my SO cheating I used to become as disgusted as I was aroused by the thoughts.

 

This is not unlike how sexual abuse and/or assault victims masturbate to thoughts of their abuse as a way to regain control of the situation. Within the realm of fantasy, things happen in a way that you get to dictate.

 

Also, cuckoldry.

[jackslife]

Also, cuckoldry.

 

My thought too, but I don't know enough about the emotions involved to say.

 

My advice would be to listen to your therapist. They would be in the best position to advise.

[pteromom]

However, I continue to obsess over the details and even masterbate to the images of him caressing her breast, them deep kissing (something we stopped doing year ago) and him pumping her. I am continually aroused and want to ask more details. The down side is that after I finish the images are not arousing and make me feel bad.

I did have lots of fantasies about my wife with other men prior to the affair. But I never and still do not ever want to really see it. I know longer have that fantasy but I do obsess over this one.

Therapist says it is normal, my wife is fine with it. Will it stop? Is it something I just need to let happen and it will subside? If I do not let it happen will it stay with me?

 

This is normal, especially since you were turned on by fantasies of her with other men before. Now the fantasy just has a face attached to it, since she was with this guy.

 

You have to separate your emotions about the affair with what arouses you. They are two different things.

 

Lots of people have sexual fantasies about things they find very distasteful when they aren't aroused. Things they would NEVER do in real life.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

And work on it. When you are aroused and start thinking of your wife and her AP, force the faces to change. Instead, make it an actress you like with a hot actor. Or a neighbor. Or a teacher from your childhood.

 

Eventually, your fantasy of them together will subside, but it will probably take some time.

[jchere]

Thanks for all your thoughts. Normal is a nice word to hear. I especially like the concept that it is about taking back control. I also sense myself that the emotional and betrayal issues are deeper and the sex is becoming just sex. One of the harder things to comprehend from my wife was her saying the sex meant nothing (yes, what you would think I would want to hear) and that she did not feel she was giving anything away. I felt she gave something away, to me it was sacred. When I told her that I thought it was sacred, she said she thought nothing of it, and that if she did, she would not have done it. It was an escape, and chance for her to be independent, and the very nature of that meant she thought nothing of me at the time. She regrets it but does not see the sex as the betrayal she see the lying, her own morals, the letting her kids down, and the hurting me as the horrible mistake. I originally saw the sex as the worst thing she could ever have done, it was a primal thing for me. The night I found out we had sex three times, not intimate sex but just primal humping.

So sex is primal and my current obsessions are likely part of that. We have much healing to do emotionally still, that will take a long time.

[drifter777]

When my wife uses her vibrator her "favorite" fantasy is to watch me with two other women. She say's that in the fantasy she directs all the sex and joins in only when she's close to finishing. In real life she has told me she will kill me if I ever cheat. I'm not sure what she actually would do since we all seem to react differently when it happens, but I do know that this fantasy is only that and she is tremendously jealous if I even look at other women. Fantasy has nothing to do with real life. If it did then you would have NOTHING but pleasure with the images and may even ask her if you can watch next time.

[drifter777]

Thanks for all your thoughts. Normal is a nice word to hear. I especially like the concept that it is about taking back control. I also sense myself that the emotional and betrayal issues are deeper and the sex is becoming just sex. One of the harder things to comprehend from my wife was her saying the sex meant nothing (yes, what you would think I would want to hear) and that she did not feel she was giving anything away. I felt she gave something away, to me it was sacred. When I told her that I thought it was sacred, she said she thought nothing of it, and that if she did, she would not have done it. It was an escape, and chance for her to be independent, and the very nature of that meant she thought nothing of me at the time. She regrets it but does not see the sex as the betrayal she see the lying, her own morals, the letting her kids down, and the hurting me as the horrible mistake. I originally saw the sex as the worst thing she could ever have done, it was a primal thing for me. The night I found out we had sex three times, not intimate sex but just primal humping.

So sex is primal and my current obsessions are likely part of that. We have much healing to do emotionally still, that will take a long time.

Look up "gas lighting" because that is what your wife is doing to you. She's manipulating you while you are in a vulnerable state of shock. She's trying to get out ahead of your reaction with the old "it was just sex" thing. When you come to your senses you are going to resent her bullsh*t.

 

If you are the kind of man for whom sex is sacred then you should divorce her. You will never accept what she did and will be tortured by the mind-movies for the rest of your life. If you divorce her you will begin to regain your self respect and balance your sense of right and wrong. You also won't have to look at her a dozen times a day - something that will cause you to trigger on the old memories. Walk away right now and start your own healing process. That's going to take time but that time is insignificant compared to the time you will spend trying to reconcile with a cheating wife.

 

Oh, one more thing. She's lying to you about the sex. How good it was, how big he is, how many times they did it, when and where they did it - cheating wives generally lie about all of these things. Some of the truth will trickle out as time goes on, and each discovery will hit you like a freight train. Save yourself - turn your back and leave now.

[lolablue17]

Of course it's natural.

 

We, men, have an ancient nature of a conqueror.

You conquered your wife many years ago. Now a stranger, another man took her from you, scr*** her, conquered her and used her to sacrifice his animal needs.

 

You feel the need to conquer her back! It raises the primal animal instinct inside you, that's why you are aroused by it. I think when you feel more secure with her, those feelings will calm down.

 

maybe will never totally disappears because you will never feel 100% secure. My view is 100% secure isn't so good for any marriage...

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't say it's kind of a cuckold fantasy. But a weird form of hysterical Bonding. So, you need to watch out from problems rising from it. You stated that You picture this guy doing things to your wife. But, she also downplayed it saying that he really wasn't that good. She didn't orgasm...bah....blah.. he couldn't get real hard....blah....blah...You probably picture that too. So, when it comes time for you to take your wife, you might be trying to out-do your competition in the bedroom. Watch out because this could turn into an unhealthy situation if this is the case.

[oldshirt]

It does happen and is not that rare. Continue to work with your therapist on this.

 

I would be very careful in discussing your arousal within earshot of your wife though. She may interpret it as weakness or of being some kind of cuckold and will lose respect and attraction for you.

 

This may be something best left for individual counseling and not discussed around your wife.

[bubbaganoosh]

I am about 8 weeks from finding out my wife had an affair with an old highschool flame. We are both fully committed to our relationship now and I think we will be better than before once we have time to heal. We had gone through some tough times financially, work, kids, etc over the past 3 years and my wife hit the wall. We have been married 28 years and our last kid was just finishing school and headed off to university. My wife was basically a stay at home mom but had started to work part time and was doing way too much volunteer work. Anyway, this old friend called her and they met once, then a couple of weeks later he ask to meet he at a conference he was attending. They spend two night together, the second they had sex.

I needed to know the details and my wife was very remorseful and co-operated with what ever I wanted. We have been to counselling and are working hard on our own sexual relationship. We have discovered each others language of love and I am listening and focusing more on her while she it touching me more. I can tell she is working hard and it is wonderful.

Problem is I keep getting in a funk and obsessing over the sex part. Our therapist says it is normal. I want to go back to the details and my wife is fine with that.

Early on she told me all the details. the sex was not great and was awkward. They danced in the hotel room and then made out. Getting under the covers before taking the cloths off. She did not touch him on his penis until he was about to enter, as he did not touch her either, she used her hand to rub him up and down her vagina. She told me she was wet but that he was not really ready when she touched him. She said she was nervous and scared, and did not orgasm.

When I first heard this I was hurt, pissed off and aroused, it was hard for my wife to talk about it but she answered all my questions. The poor performance, the awkwardness, and the fact it was only once made it easy for me to move toward forgiveness. The details helped.

We are slowly, using techniques from our therapist, getting back to having intimate sex. I am like falling in love again. She is also saying she is rekindling her passion. It will take time but it is good to see.

However, I continue to obsess over the details and even masterbate to the images of him caressing her breast, them deep kissing (something we stopped doing year ago) and him pumping her. I am continually aroused and want to ask more details. The down side is that after I finish the images are not arousing and make me feel bad.

I did have lots of fantasies about my wife with other men prior to the affair. But I never and still do not ever want to really see it. I know longer have that fantasy but I do obsess over this one.

Therapist says it is normal, my wife is fine with it. Will it stop? Is it something I just need to let happen and it will subside? If I do not let it happen will it stay with me?

 

Whoo boy. Look dude, what you should be wacking off to is her out on the curb and the OM getting his ass kicked seven ways to Sunday. I'm sorry to say but your a cuckold in waiting.

[Popsicle]

I think the cuckholding is just a twist on voyeurism, which some people get off more on.

[Mr. Lucky]

They spend two night together, the second they had sex.

 

Early on she told me all the details. the sex was not great and was awkward. They danced in the hotel room and then made out. Getting under the covers before taking the cloths off. She did not touch him on his penis until he was about to enter, as he did not touch her either, she used her hand to rub him up and down her vagina. She told me she was wet but that he was not really ready when she touched him. She said she was nervous and scared, and did not orgasm.

Since she lied to and deceived you while this was going on, I wondering why you believe this version of what occurred ?

 

Doesn't it very conveniently fall under the heading of what every betrayed spouse wants to hear? "The sex wasn't great", "I didn't want to", "he wasn't that good", "I didn't enjoy it"; it reads like it was lifted from a script.

 

If it was all that awkward and unappealing, she could have stopped any moment up til the deed occurred. If you're into the details, I'd bet there's many you haven't been told...

 

Mr. Lucky