Clay Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I am really sorry you are having to deal with this but at least you know the truth now. She really left you a long time ago. She has just been going through the moves. I would file and try to make it as easy as possible. I would be honest with her. Just tell her with all you have put me through with all of this the least you can do is let me go without a fight in court. Good luck talking to her. I think I would go see a lawyer first and have the papers ready. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 This made me laugh- hard! Yeah, like BS need an excuse to leave- the ONE time my husband and I had an argument and he tried the old " you are just looking for a reason to be mad and leave" He probably said that because you are still married to him. As long as you are still married then you have not left, you have stayed. But the wording is just splitting hairs really. I am not following the logic- in a marriage that has experienced infidelity no one needs to "invent" a reason to leave- its already there-one week, one month, ten years down the road- IMO- everyone is free to leave their marriage and does not need to pick a fight or whatever to do so- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 OP, i am again sorry... I think you are now in a better place and to never again be plan B. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 When you talk to her, for Gods sake please don't fall for the tears and the I'm sorry bit because you have been there and done that how many times with her now. I honestly don't know why you want to go over and talk to her. The only thing you should need to say to her is "Get a lawyer" and get another place to live because daddy's coming home and your not welcome so go stay with Charles Assless and screw his eyeballs out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 OP - sorry for your situation. Be strong. Sounds like you are done. It will get easier. Make space in your life for the kids, is all. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
petee Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Wait, I mean you're kidding, right? Though I don't think it's nicely worded, they do have a point. If you look at all the posters here, way over 70% point blank want you to divorce. Share their pain, a one-in all-in mentality. Make sure you understand this, get to the bottom of what exactly was meant...... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Though I don't think it's nicely worded, they do have a point. If you look at all the posters here, way over 70% point blank want you to divorce. Share their pain, a one-in all-in mentality. Make sure you understand this, get to the bottom of what exactly was meant...... WHAAAT? Have you read the whole story? The OP already said he was sure it was about the xAP. Come on now? So many that have posted on here are in reconciliation and believe in it- what I see is a situation where the WS is not fully all in- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 OP, hoping you will report back how your meeting went last night... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 My heart dropped when you said you were going to go talk to her. Honestly, that sounds like an excuse to see her. An excuse to make some sort of rationalization so you can have your life back. Everything that needs be said has already been said. If you need to speak about your children, do it through email or a 3rd party. If you need your things from the house, have your son get them for you. Look, she already has a mental grip on you. She knows that if she can get you around her long enough, you'll eventually give in and fall under her spell. Unless you can accept your wife having a boyfriend that she thinks about while having sex with you, get.out.now! She's your heroin, your opiate. Fleeting moments of happiness and validation, but a never-ending dope sickness that keeps you hooked. You don't quit heroin by going to have a talk with your dealer; you delete their number, ride the sickness out and eventually you kick the habit. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 way over 70% point blank want you to divorce. Share their pain, a one-in all-in mentality. You don't have a clue. It's not pain to drop someone who's betrayed you more than once...it's liberation 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Though I don't think it's nicely worded, they do have a point. If you look at all the posters here, way over 70% point blank want you to divorce. Share their pain, a one-in all-in mentality. You've got it backwards. Way over 70% would like him to AVOID the pain we experienced in trying to reconcile with WS who, regardless of what they said, had no interest in doing so. Although they did often find it expedient to keep us around for financial support, child care, appearances, etc. If he ignores the Greek chorus here and simply judges her based on her actions, his options seem pretty clear... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingUpForAir Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Agh! I don't know what happened, but I wrote a big reply and I lost it all when I went to post it .. So long story short, I went to see her and we had a long, emotional talk. I told her this is the end, she tried to object. I laughed away her promises and in the end she conceded that maybe this is best. She cried, I cried and I left. That said, I contacted a lawyer today and I'm meeting her tomorrow. I called my daughter to explain what is happening with us, but I didn't tell her why. I did the same with my son. They both seem to be taking it ok. Her sister, who lives several states away tried to call me twice but I wasn't able to get to the phone. She's actually OK, so I'll surely speak to her soon. I'm planning to take a long weekend this weekend and go off to New York city to visit a friend. Thanks for listening, everyone. I'm still in a state of disbelief, but I also have the feeling I just took a huge weight off my shoulders. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 ((ComingUpForAir)) so sorry, but i do agree with your actions. cheers to a new beginning and happier future. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Hugs, CUFA. Thanks, also, for the update. I'd been thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 CUFA - we are very sorry for the pain and know you have a long process ahead of you. We will be here for all of it - as much or as little you need. Condolences... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Take some time for yourself. Your going to need it. I hope your weekend goes better. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Agh! I don't know what happened, but I wrote a big reply and I lost it all when I went to post it .. So long story short, I went to see her and we had a long, emotional talk. I told her this is the end, she tried to object. I laughed away her promises and in the end she conceded that maybe this is best. She cried, I cried and I left. That said, I contacted a lawyer today and I'm meeting her tomorrow. I called my daughter to explain what is happening with us, but I didn't tell her why. I did the same with my son. They both seem to be taking it ok. Her sister, who lives several states away tried to call me twice but I wasn't able to get to the phone. She's actually OK, so I'll surely speak to her soon. I'm planning to take a long weekend this weekend and go off to New York city to visit a friend. Thanks for listening, everyone. I'm still in a state of disbelief, but I also have the feeling I just took a huge weight off my shoulders. This is because you made a decision based on what is best for you. As a betrayed spouse you have gone above and beyond what most others would have. Her actions just prove that she has done her best to sabotage the relationship, just how many times does she think she needs to get it right? I hope she does the work to find out why because until she does no relationship with her in it is safe.There is life after leaving a repeat cheater, I'm proof. You can do this. Will you be moving out, will you share your home until you divorce, what have you decided? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Now is a really good time to start working on yourself. Find a great therapist if you haven't already and put the energy that you spent working on making sense of this disaster into developing coping mechanisms for dealing with this type of betrayal. Not only can a therapist give insight into your thoughts and behaviors, they can also give you insight into your wife's issues as well. I suspect that if you look into her motivations, personality, character, etc. you will find a person who is seriously mentally ill. There's just no way that you can behave this way without a serious lack of empathy. This is deeper than just being selfish, it's pathological. Lot's of people make mistakes in judgement, but she was sadistic and cruel. Either way, it's not the motivation or reasoning behind what has done to you, it's that she did it to you. Remember, she's pulled you back in again and I'd bet money that her grandiose, narcissistic personality figures she can do it again. Why wouldn't she think that? I mean, she tortured you for years and you stuck around, so of course she would think that. Take care of yourself and be proud that you finally realized you are worth much, much more than this woman. Do your best to protect your kids from her wrath, but be honest with them. Lying to them is no different than your wife lying to you, worse maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Whatever the OP decides, I believe he needs support. Ending a marriage isn't as easy as jumping into an affair. He loves/loved this woman and there is no need for calling him names for not leaving at D Day. This is a person who has tried to reconcile and he should be commended for that, not ridiculed. OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this. All of this is on your wife as she is the one who chose to cheat. You didn't cause it, it wasmt your fault. Do not own something that isn't yours to own. Take your time with making life altering decisions. This is YOUR life, not ours. You have to live with the decisions you choose. I am glad you went and talked with her - it was obviously something YOU needed to do. As stressful as things are, try to find some happiness even if it's just talking with a friend or hanging with your kids. Your life is not over and you will get through this, one day at a time. Wish you the best. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I called my daughter to explain what is happening with us, but I didn't tell her why. I did the same with my son. Without telling them details, please tell them why. In the long run this will be very important in your relationship with your children. No matter what she says now, she will spin you as the bad guy in all of this, without mentioning the affair. Do not be the bad guy to your children that ended the marriage for no real reason. Remmber that you do not get a 2nd chance to make a first impression. Their first impression of the divorce will be what guides their action going forward. Even if they later learn of the affair, their basic image of you as the bad guy will be set, such that you would by then deserve the affair. Not telling them the real reason for the divorce is a lie by omission. Telling them a false reason is an outright lie. You should not lie to your children. Cheaters demand secrecy and ask that you lie to help them cover up the affair, but you are not a cheater and do not owe them this. Simple say that she had an affair that she continued with on and off after being caught, and that this tuns out to be a deal breaker for you. No other details are necessary. If you are not honest with your children about this, you will live to regret it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 ComingUpForAir, just wanted to remind you as you read all of these posts, of the overall commonality that I hope you can take a tiny bit of solace in. You are NOT Alone. It's not just a bunch of crazy strangers here (myself included) that understand what you are going through, going to go through, but pretty much everywhere you turn. It's just 'put out there' here on LS. So, try to remember in those quiet and dark moments when you feel your heartbreak at the loss a little more, that this isn't necessarily the beginning of the end but the end of the chapter so you can finally get on to the next bigger and better adventure. cheaters suck. whether they are sorry or not. While they are cheating, they just suck. I get it. You're not alone* CIH* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrWombat Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I pushed her off to the side and I left the room. Next morning I went and rented an "executive" suite in town which is a hotel with a kitchen. Dude, I hope you are renting and weren't fool enough to buy a house. Link to post Share on other sites
petee Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Dude, I hope you are renting and weren't fool enough to buy a house. What a pathetic and foolish thing to say. Why is it a 'fool' thing to buy a house? Should we all just rent....just in case we all get divorced? I think there's only one fool on here, a little out of their depth perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 It wouldn't even be a question, why would you keep buring yourself on the stove Run for the hill , you deserve someone that respects you total disrespect that can't happen make your move and exit Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 What a pathetic and foolish thing to say. Why is it a 'fool' thing to buy a house? Should we all just rent....just in case we all get divorced? I think there's only one fool on here, a little out of their depth perhaps? I don't think you get it. I think what the person is saying that it would be really foolish to buy a house while you are married to a cheater which is a very, very true statement. Link to post Share on other sites
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