oldshirt Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 I don't think you get it. I think what the person is saying that it would be really foolish to buy a house while you are married to a cheater which is a very, very true statement. Yes, if there is even a slight chance of divorce, it would be incredibly foolish to buy a house. Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 CUFA I think your plan to Divorce is brilliant. It is also your only option at this time. Because until you are divorced and only coparent with her will she ever be able to feel true consequences for her horrible decisions/actions. Sue Divorce will be hard for both of you. But the outcome could have been differently if your wife chose it. She was never in the Reconciliation 100%. She was never true to you (banging OM multiple times while still asking for R) but worse she was never true to herself. SO I want to make a suggestion. The divorce will take awhile. Keep any conversations with her strictly about the kids or the divorce. Do not be her friend. Do not let her try to be your friend. She isn't at this time and has not been for awhile. Stay dark with all other matters and excise her from your life as much as possible. Then tell me how you feel and she looks 3-6 months from now. Good Luck on the healing. You deserve some time off. Does she really think she has a shot with a guy 12-14 years younger? You left out delusional when you talk about her. HM Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 CUFA Just wanted to reach out to you and see how you are doing??? HM Link to post Share on other sites
Silveron Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I believe it was more than just the comment. Have you two gone to marriage counseling since this happened years ago? You must have been harboring a lot of resentment and when she said what she did, it finally put you over the top. Until you can find help in resolving the feelings you have with what she had done (when she cheated), you were always going to have your shield up. Counseling would help you get those shields down and find out the root cause on why she did this. With counseling, good chance her 'statement' she made to you in bed, would have never happened. You also have to do soul searching in the 19 years of marriage you had with her. What have you done wrong? No one is perfect and there is never any reason to cheat, however you need to be fair with you both to take a hard look on how you both treated each other before the affair. Often people get so comfortable with each other, they are taken for granted. I still believe you are going to have major trust and emotional issues even after the divorce. The divorce itself won't make these issues go away. That is something you need to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingUpForAir Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 I'm dealing with alot of "homework" right now which entails making a pretty tight inventory of our assets as well as 10 years of history of certain aspects of our finances. I changed lawyers as I thought the one I was seeing was trying too hard to cause a big conflict too early - which I'm sure is plenty lucrative. What turned me off a little i that she was trying to plant the idea in my head that she was planning this all along, which might be possible, but very unlikely. I'm definitely going to take a hit financially given that she made a fraction of what I did throughout our marriage. On the plus side, I can pay child support directly to the kids pretty soon. My wife has made several big attempts at reconciling. So she informed me that she's going to counseling on her own. She tried a few times to have me come over to "talk", but I really didn't feel like it. Truth is, her comment was probably the worst thing she could have said. It leaves an indelible sour taste in my mouth when I think about her now. I spoke to her sister and I guess my wife told her the truth about what happened. So that's that. Too bad about her, she's pretty cool, but I won't be seeing her much from here on out. I do admit that the last 2 years or so, I probably haven't been that much fun to be around. My guard was always up, I treated her sometimes with a slight bit of contempt. Nothing major, mind you, but little things. I hate anchovies but she loves them. I make home made pizzas on weekends and I would put anchovies on her side because I knew she liked it. I found myself not even bothering to buy them. I used to ask the bookstore near work to save me a copy of the Sunday New York times and I'd bring it on Mondays; not anymore. I found myself not wanting to do nice things for her. So like I said before, I accept some responsibility for this latest episode. I probably should have cut the strings 2 years ago than make the half-hearted attempt I made this time. My heart just wasn't in it. But as to the other times. I really don't see it. I tried as hard as I could to be introspective and I can't see where I faltered. She never said anything to me. I like to think I'm attentive and reasonable enough that if she mentioned something I'd take her concerns seriously. But I can't remember anything like that. I remember myself as being attentive, fun, helpful, romantic, etc. The again, it's hard to see one's own self clearly in the mirror .. but really, I don't know what I could have done to deserve it before. I don't want to tell the kids and it has nothing to do with protecting her. They have a life they're starting and frankly they should be enjoying the carefree youth they have now. They'll have plenty of time to get mired in emotional garbage when they're getting closer to my age. I don't see any benefit in burdening them with the details at this point. My wife wouldn't dare try and badmouth me to them simply because she knows I can set the record straight mighty fast if it comes to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 My heart seriously goes out for you but remember your not alone. I kept my kids and it was so difficult to deal with everything that was thrown at me. Your going to make it through all this and It sounds like your great dad. Its hard trying to figure out how to approach the kids about what happened. In truth there will come a time it will need to come out. I hope things go better for you in that respect than it did for me. My xW did bad mouth me every chance she got and it became a huge argument with the kids at time. You are best to stick to your guns as far as D is concerned. Your wife is probably just freaking out because she sees all the wonderful things you did for her now coming to a end. She had her cake and she was used to eating it too. There are far better women out there and in time you will find one that you can trust again. Its hard but it does come back. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 good riddins. cheaters suck big time. best wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 My wife wouldn't dare try and badmouth me to them simply because she knows I can set the record straight mighty fast if it comes to that. You'd be surprised about the audacity of cheaters. Also, don't think badly of your old lawyer. I understand that you disagreed with her/his way to handle things because you don't want to make it a court war, but aggressive lawyers like him/her usually get the job done best (and probably have a lot of experience with the worse divorces, even though luckily you aren't in such a position). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 CUFA The kids are going to figure it out or drive themselves crazy trying to figure it out. Tell them. Together that you are divorcing. You do not have to be specific why you are divorcing. But if they see a unified front from Mom and Dad that will help re-assure them and confirm that both of you love them. And whether you were fun to be around or not your actions have not killed your marriage. Your wife's continued selfishness has. Be supportive of her getting counseling. She needs it. HM Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingUpForAir Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 One interesting development. Enraging really. As I'm poring over past finances to give my attorney a clear financial picture of our household, I found out that my wife had given close to 2500 dollars to her boyfriend. That's only what I was able to find. I'm betting there was more. For her, that would represent almost 2 months of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Well $1250 of that amount belongs to you....so call the BF up and tell him you may sue for it. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Well $1250 of that amount belongs to you....so call the BF up and tell him you may sue for it. I'm sure she'll ask for it back should the divorce ever come and she might try to get a lawyer or something. Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Well $1250 of that amount belongs to you....so call the BF up and tell him you may sue for it. Bullcrap if he earned it, then it is his. That money is not their for her to freely use on her boyfriend. This is what I always talk about by being self-entitled. His wife is not entitled to half his income married or not for use on boyfriends. Everyone here would be all over a guy if he spent $500 on an escort and for good reason. So everyone should be all over his cheating wife's butt for spending his hard earned money on her boyfriend. CUFA, I am glad to hear that you are divorcing your wife. Staying with a cheating wife is bad enough, however when she expresses that she misses her lover that is a real kick in the goodie pouch. It is her way of saying to you in a very loud and crystal clear way "I have no respect for you, I am using you and I think it is funny that I hurt you". The bad part is that even after you divorce a woman like this, no amount of showers can make you feel like you have washed off all the filth they have left behind. I wish you the best my friend and I hope you can divorce her and not have to pay a cent in alimony. She has already stolen enough of your money to use on boyfriends. Link to post Share on other sites
longjourney Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Long story short. She cheated with a co-worker. A real sleazebag - tattoos and the works. She kept going back to him until I finally threatened divorce. It was almost a moot point because he left the workplace and moved out of state anyway. It's more complicated that all that, but I don't want to elaborate just yet. Fast forward 2 years. And last Saturday, we're having sex after having gone to a wedding. She was drunk as was I - but she might have been a bit drunker. She's on top and at one point she pauses and seems absorbed by a thought .. I aske her what's up .. and she says "I miss my playmate". I pushed her off to the side and I left the room. Next morning I went and rented an "executive" suite in town which is a hotel with a kitchen. I haven't spoken to her, but she's been calling my cell every 11 minutes. I don't think I can do this again. ^^^ This exactly...this is what I fear and deep within me I already know. My WH still misses and loves his OW, who is now divorcing. And my thought is how do you try to save a "marriage" after an A, and think that the WS is not thinking/loving/pining for the AP? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 ComingUpForAir, how are are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 One interesting development. Enraging really. As I'm poring over past finances to give my attorney a clear financial picture of our household, I found out that my wife had given close to 2500 dollars to her boyfriend. That's only what I was able to find. I'm betting there was more. For her, that would represent almost 2 months of work. I know this is hard, but you have to start letting this go. Get the best deal possible in this divorce. The only reason she ever wanted to keep your marriage is so that you will continue to support her. Cut off the money. It's the only way you can start to move forward and heal. Otherwise this will be a constant sore spot. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 I don't think she was trying to be honest when she told him that. She was drunk and the truth popped out. She has been missing the OM for a long time and the fact that she kept running back to him after being caught is very telling about how she feels. If he hadn't moved away she would probably still be cheating with him. So many WW stay in their marriage because of security and for the kids but never get the OM out of their minds. They agonize over it. I think once sex is mind blowing for a woman it is hard for them to get over it. I agree.my EXWW could not stop..would not turn him loose..SO I DID.. I did horrific damage to OM when i outed him to his BW...I threated a lawsuit against the company they worked for...they Both lost their jobs....His BW financially destroyed him in his D. NONE OF THIS MATTERED...when the OM can to my office and showed me pictures of my ExW doing sexual acts she said were Disgusting to her for 22 years and worse..... The images still dance in my head to this day. I REALIZED WHAT SHE HAD BECOME AND HAD DONE...THERE WAS NO COMING BACK. I filed for D after doing the HARD 180 and find out all of the TRUTH i could STOMACH! I have NO Problem with R...I have just not seen MANY SUCESSFUL CASES... Link to post Share on other sites
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