She says "I miss my playmate"

[Ronni_W]

In all fairness, I haven't been as much fun to be with as I used to. For one thing, I got ED really badly. Never had an issue before and overnight it went to where I can't keep an erection. I alternate between viagra and cialis now. It's become a safety net that I don't dare do without now. I've also had mood swings and I would get angry with her at times over this. In a way, I can see I'm maybe partially reposnible for the last two years being less than ideal for her and this might be why she misses whatever she had before with this guy.

ComingUpForAir,

I get that it would have been a HUGE shock to your system, when this happened.

 

Do you know FOR SURE that she referred to, or thought of, the other guy as her playmate? Do you know FOR SURE that, on Saturday night, she was not simply having a fond memory of the two of you, in better, happier days?

 

In any case. When you do speak with her, you'll at least get some clarity on how you may wish to proceed.

 

Best of luck.

[Bryanp]

Wow. She tells you that she probably had sex with this OM everyday for about 8 months putting your health at risk for STD's while your sex life at home was almost nothing and yet you go back to her? In addition there had to be times when you did have sex with your wife it was after she had sex with the OM. What is wrong with this picture?

 

Later you are surprised that she is still cheating on you with him? This is truly unbelievable. One more time: If you don't respect yourself then who will?

[Popsicle]

This made me laugh- hard! Yeah, like BS need an excuse to leave- the ONE time my husband and I had an argument and he tried the old " you are just looking for a reason to be mad and leave"

 

He probably said that because you are still married to him. As long as you are still married then you have not left, you have stayed. But the wording is just splitting hairs really.

[atreides]

Context is everything... 2 years out.. really? So they have never drank or had sex during this 2 year and her husband is supposed to be the missed "playmate"

 

wow... that is a huge stretch...

 

either way i am sure the OP will discuss the issue... maybe we are all wrong.. just going off what is written.

 

i also laughed at the executive suite statement.

[Buckeye2]

She's on top and at one point she pauses and seems absorbed by a thought .. I aske her what's up .. and she says "I miss my playmate".

 

I pushed her off to the side and I left the room. Next morning I went and rented an "executive" suite.

 

If her “playmate” were her husband she would have immediately screamed that when he pushed her off. She had until the next morning when he left to convey that message.

 

OP, after all the chances you’ve given her you at least have to fine for divorce now to keep any shred of self-respect.

 

In the meantime, our sex life was crap and had been for several years. I couldn't seem to get her to want it more than 2x a month, even though she orgasmed and liked it. I could forget about oral sex or making out, or any such thing.

 

Even if the affair lasted the 8 months she said, my guess is that they must have had sex every day if not more.

 

She said some pretty nasty things including "You can't even keep your own wife".

 

She said “You can’t even keep your own wife” after she repeatedly returned to the OM for sex.

 

No wonder you have ED problems. At some level you knew she was thinking of the OM during sex. Now that it’s been confirmed it will be even worse. A relationship with a new woman after you’re divorced will be good for what ails you.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Btrade]

She cheated 3x.

 

The marriage is dead.

 

Though I would never take back after once, some can. The second time, cmon. 3x?!???? Dude you KNOW the answer!

 

Gyms, Yoga, karate instructors.

 

At 44 you have a decent shot at wife2.0. One that actually sleeps with.... wait for it... JUST YOU! Far higher than her probabilities for husband2.0. She will have little problem finding willing bed-mates. She will have a far harder time finding a life partner.

 

Good for the gym on firing them. A fair amount of the time, straying wives are passed between trainers for fun. Reports on cheating with trainers are met with a shrug or even a private high-five later.

 

Oh and I'd bet money with new GF that soldier would be standing at full attention as she lined up with it with her completely wet lubricated and completely enthusiastic woman bits!

Edited September 17, 2014 by Btrade

[oldshirt]

We have been married for 19 years. I'm 44 and she's 45. We have 2 kids, daughter is 18 and my son is 16. I make above average income for our family without workign much more than 40-50 hours a week. Aside from very occasional business trips, I'm home every day.

 

 

My wife used to be a flight attendant but got laid off a few years ago, so being that she was into fitness and all that, she decided to make a career out of it. She got certified, she taught aérobics and then pilates fore awhile. Theh she got a nice gig teaching regular classes as some high end fitness center attatched to a luxury building complex. The other people who work there are all 20 years or more younger than her with a few exceptions. Every once in, awhile they would all go out for drinks on a Friday after working. At first I was invited and would come along. Other times, I didn't.

 

 

Before long, I wasn't invited anymore and twice she came back very late. It did cross my mind that maybe she was up to something, but I thought I was just being paranoid. Soon after, she password protected the account on her PC wheras it awsn't before. THAT was the thing that made me think some thing was up. She didn't know to know that there was a built in admin account also on the PC and I simply used it to log in, grab her Outlook files and load them into my PC.

 

 

There was nothing explicit in the Outlook files except a message where she asks him to use her gmail account. So I set up a keylogger and waited until she logged into gmail to get her password. In the emails I saw dozens of sexually explicit messages, picture exchanges (that's how I knew who it was), and messages from her friends helping her to cover for her. Evidently the sleazebag was one of the trainers and lived only a few blocks away. So they were doing alot of takeout lunches. Even if the affair lasted the 8 months she said, my guess is that they must have had sex every day if not more. The guy was 31 years old.

 

 

In the meantime, our sex life was crap and had been for several years. I couldn't seem to get her to want it more than 2x a month, even though she orgasmed and liked it. I could forget about oral sex or making out, or any such thing.

 

 

I didn't even wait 2 seconds. I went straight to her place of work and caused a big scene in front of the staff as well as the customers. She got fired as did he. She was extremely apologetic and begged for forgiveness. At first I wanted to leave, and was actually determined to do so. Over a few weeks, my resolve weakened and I tried to see if we could make a go of things. We went to counseling, but I stopped when I found out she slept with him again. This time I left for 2 months and then again, I let myself be convinced to come back. Then it happened again and we had a huge verbal fight where she said some pretty nasty things including "You can't even keep your own wife". After that I was convinced it was the last straw. I told her we were divorcing.

 

 

I again moved out and planned the divorce. But again, for reasons that escape me even now, I weakened Under the barrage of her pleas and promises to never see him again. Plus she told me he left the state. Don't ask me why I tried again - I know, I'm an idiot.

 

 

In all fairness, I haven't been as much fun to be with as I used to. For one thing, I got ED really badly. Never had an issue before and overnight it went to where I can't keep an erection. I alternate between viagra and cialis now. It's become a safety net that I don't dare do without now. I've also had mood swings and I would get angry with her at times over this. In a way, I can see I'm maybe partially reposnible for the last two years being less than ideal for her and this might be why she misses whatever she had before with this guy.

 

 

I'm not that angry now. Mostly I'm in shock. For some reason this is almost worse than the initial D-Day. I hadn't realized this guy had managed to have such a strong hold on her. Even though she denied it, Im sure she must have had feelings for him. In the meantime, she has been thinking about him rather than me or us. I'm more resigned now. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I really gave it my best shot. I'm drained, tired, and frankly I just don't have the strength to try and work though this anymore. It just is what it is. I'm done.

 

 

Oh and yes - I texted my son to let him know I was fine. I'm not taking calls from my wife.

 

 

As far as I am concerned you have done all the right things and didn't leave any stones unturned and now you have realized the futility and are ready to move on.

 

You had suspicions something was wrong. You did your own investigating. You uncovered the smoking gun. You blow up the affair. You stood your ground and took actions which placed consequences and repercussions on her.

 

When she made her case for reconciliation you gave her TWO chances to allow her to play nice and she dropped the ball both times.

 

This was a final insult. No-one in their right mind would ask you to stick your neck out any more.

 

As I said in an earlier post - You are not angry, you are not vengeful. You are simply....done.

 

My opinion is probably every penny I am charging you for it but I think you have done all that God, Christ and the Tooth Fairy would ever ask of you and would fully bless you moving forward and living a good life without her in it. Your kids are grown and you don't even like her enough to make your dick hard anymore. You have done all you could and sacrificed all you have. It's time to move on to the next phase of your life.

 

Well played Sir, well played. My hat is off to you.

[karnak]

 

She will have a far harder time finding a life partner.

 

 

To be honest I'd be amazed if she didn't find a new guy to marry her.

 

Speaking as a guy who has some divorced male friends, they have a lot of trouble to find a stable relationship with a woman.

 

All of their ex-wives, however, have either remarried or are living with a new man.

[stillafool]

If you stayed with her and didn't work on fixing the M how did you expect her to get over the OM.

 

Just staying together isn't enough. Giving her good sex isn't enough. You never mention MC or IC. You FF to going to a wedding having sex. Her being drunk and her telling you how she really feels. And you are surprised?

 

R takes work. After 2 years what have you both done?

 

I am still trying to understand why you needed to mention that you had to rent the "executive suite" after this incident. There are plenty of cheap motels everywhere.

 

I think he mentioned it to let us know it is sort of an apartment because it has a kitchen and a small living room.

[oldshirt]

 

Your kids are grown and you don't even like her enough to make your dick hard anymore.

 

Oh and on this note. That's not really actually ED.

 

men's dicks don't get hard for women that repulse them. In order for a guy's dick to work he still has to be attracted to her and have a certain level of comfort and security. She flushed that down the toilet a long time ago.

 

When you are with your next girlfriend that treats you right, you'll be able crack concrete with it without cigars.

[atreides]

I think he mentioned it to let us know it is sort of an apartment because it has a kitchen and a small living room.

 

ah... makes sense. I feel for the OP... but this should be the last straw... he does need to end it... why go through this mess over and over and over... triggering constantly i bet.

 

Stuff like she does likely burns images even more so for the OP

[oldshirt]

ComingUpForAir,

I get that it would have been a HUGE shock to your system, when this happened.

 

Do you know FOR SURE that she referred to, or thought of, the other guy as her playmate? Do you know FOR SURE that, on Saturday night, she was not simply having a fond memory of the two of you, in better, happier days?

 

In any case. When you do speak with her, you'll at least get some clarity on how you may wish to proceed.

 

Best of luck.

 

I don't know what kind of golden magical pixie dust world you guys are living in but even if she was referring to her missing the old days with the OP, it was her actions and how she treated him that caused him to lose his interest in her.

 

She had no right to bitch about it.

 

And the fact she was notching about it and stopping the action, is also just cause for him to throw in the towel at that point.

 

As I said earlier in the thread, a BS May throw in the towel at any point after discovery of an A, even years after. That's just the risk the WW/WH takes when they screw someone else.

[aliveagain]

Three strikes and your out. She went back to OM on two different occasions after you busted their affair, each time you took her back, each time she promised to never do it again . Two years out and she still miss's him. A remorseful spouse would puke at the mention of his name for what the affair has done to your family, not your wife, she has to tell you while having sex. What she probably meant is she miss's his penis, wow, pretty low blow. No wonder your having issues, my bet is those issues would disappear if you were making love to someone new.

 

If your foolish enough to go back for a 4th time, don't do it without a bullet proof post nuptial agreement.

[Ronni_W]

She had no right to bitch about it.

oldshirt,

I AGREE with you. But...nobody yet knows if she WAS "bitching about it" or just was experiencing a moment of melancholy or regret at what her own selfishness has wrought.

 

The difference is ONLY in how ComingUpForAir may, with time, come to feel about this particular incident. In one's heart, it makes a difference if spouse is pining for the old days with 'me' or with 'the other guy'.

 

But. Even if she was thinking about their earlier married days, does NOT mean that CUFA does NOT have some serious, potentially life-changing decisions to make.

[Discjockey80]

Wow OP, I hurt for you right now man...so hurt for you. I have never experienced cheating in a marriage but I cant imagine. And you did everything right too. Many would say you even went further than you ever had to.

 

 

There is something messed up and dark inside her. For her to say the things she said when you were arguing a couple years back. She was insulting you while having been caught sexually disrespecting you. That's abusive bro. And then to say this...now. She is messed up. You may have given her the obvious benefit of the doubt but based on your story and sequence of events, she is a dark soul.

 

 

Truly remorseful spouses (WS's) understand and even guard and protect the fears and insecurities in their BS regarding the affair. Putting their mind at ease and doing everything they can to understand and reassure them that they ARE adequate. I've had friends experience adultery and its obvious the ones who care and the ones who probably never cared enough to begin with.

 

 

Caring and reconciliation seems to me to take a massive amount of effort. From what I gather.

 

 

Here is the thing...(Men or Women)...if your spouse/fiance isn't the type of person who you can easily see yourself having uninhibited, wild, passionate sex with...either don't get married or if already married then deliberately make them that way in your mind. Whatever you have to do. This type of insulting and disrespecting each other when you otherwise have everything is insane and evil.(ranting)

 

 

Sorry OP....Hang in there and be strong.

[Try]

I'm not that angry now. Mostly I'm in shock. For some reason this is almost worse than the initial D-Day. I hadn't realized this guy had managed to have such a strong hold on her. Even though she denied it, Im sure she must have had feelings for him. In the meantime, she has been thinking about him rather than me or us. I'm more resigned now. I'm ready to throw in the towel. I really gave it my best shot. I'm drained, tired, and frankly I just don't have the strength to try and work though this anymore. It just is what it is. I'm done.

Although you have called yourself an "idiot" for giving her so many 2nd chances, that fact that you did so makes it such that you can look yourself in the mirror and say with a clear conscious "I really gave it my best shot". It is OK now be done. There is someone out there that would wake up every morning thanking God that she has you in her life. Time to find that person. I wish you the best. Be well.

[harrybrown]

so sorry .

 

you have been thru enough. she is not worth it, you can do better. time for d.

[ComingUpForAir]

Context is everything here and the BS's here are all shouting divorce. However, what if you were drunk, making no effort, haven't made any effort physically or emotionally and were lying there half pissed up expecting your wife to make all the effort. Then her peeved statement makes sense in another way.

 

Doesn't mean she was thinking of him, more that she was having a dig out you. Now she was drunk and it wasn't the subtlest of jibes but if you were being a lousy lover physically and emotionally maybe she had a point.

 

I also wonder if part of you was looking for an excuse to leave her. Maybe she was genuinely guilty and wanted to stay married, but deep down you've never forgiven her and needed an excuse to kick off. So you make no effort in the sack, no effort emotionally until after two years of effort she makes the comment.

 

I know the BS's on here will disagree, but I think the above explanation makes more sense than a WW making a verbal slip up.

Wait, I mean you're kidding, right?

[thummper]

Hey, ComingUp, is she still continually calling you? Are you just plain done, or are you going to let her explain that crushing comment? What a mess!!

[Mr. Lucky]

Even if the affair lasted the 8 months she said, my guess is that they must have had sex every day if not more. The guy was 31 years old.

 

I didn't even wait 2 seconds. I went straight to her place of work and caused a big scene in front of the staff as well as the customers. She got fired as did he. She was extremely apologetic and begged for forgiveness. At first I wanted to leave, and was actually determined to do so. Over a few weeks, my resolve weakened and I tried to see if we could make a go of things. We went to counseling, but I stopped when I found out she slept with him again. This time I left for 2 months and then again, I let myself be convinced to come back. Then it happened again and we had a huge verbal fight where she said some pretty nasty things including "You can't even keep your own wife". After that I was convinced it was the last straw. I told her we were divorcing.

 

I again moved out and planned the divorce. But again, for reasons that escape me even now, I weakened Under the barrage of her pleas and promises to never see him again. Plus she told me he left the state. Don't ask me why I tried again - I know, I'm an idiot.

Wow.

 

I applaud your persistence but just don't see how someone could set themselves up to be betrayed 4 times by the same person. That's hard for me to understand...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

I also applaud your persistence - and don't blame you a bit for your reaction.

 

I have a gut feeling that if you decide to move forward without your wife, your ED might disappear and you won't be needing the chemical additives when/if you start dating again.

 

My reaction is that the OP's ED is a direct, psychological reaction to being emotionally emasculated by his cheating wife.

 

We are here for, OP, and wish you the best.

[ComingUpForAir]

Let me answer a few questions:

 

 

Yes I know that the "playmate" is him. I didn't provide a blow by blow of our conversation before I left but the few words we had made it unambiguous. Not that I thought otherwise to begin with. I said something to the effect of "You're still thinking about that ****head?" and she said "I'm sorry" but more in a "Sorry that's the way it is" rather than being apologetic.

 

 

The "executive suite" is not luxurious. It's good enough for now. It's a marketing shtick.

 

 

I spoke to her today and I think she knows this is so bad that it's pointless to try and fix this. She's very meek and apologetic, but she's not pleading. She tried to put herself down as being a rotten human being. I get it - she's very down on herself right now. I'm coming over tonight and we're going to talk about next steps.

[aliveagain]

I also applaud your persistence - and don't blame you a bit for your reaction.

 

I have a gut feeling that if you decide to move forward without your wife, your ED might disappear and you won't be needing the chemical additives when/if you start dating again.

 

My reaction is that the OP's ED is a direct, psychological reaction to being emotionally emasculated by his cheating wife.

 

We are here for, OP, and wish you the best.

 

I too experienced some of this but after the first awkward time in bed with a new partner(she was very understanding) that problem went away. Nothing like a new woman totally enjoying what you have to help you get back to being you. Specially if their a screamer(sorry ladies), works wonders for your self esteem(you almost want to record it and mail to your soon to be ex wife.

[Ronni_W]

Yes I know that the "playmate" is him.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that, CUFA.

She's very meek and apologetic, but she's not pleading. She tried to put herself down as being a rotten human being.

The fact that she is or is not "pleading" (or will in the future "plead") ought not be your deciding factor. There is also fake "pleading" because one knows on which side one's bread is buttered, so to speak. Please do not let her bamboozle you...again.

 

The fact of her self-denigration can also be just another falsity, just another trick to manipulate you into having more compassion/forgiveness for her. It is difficult to not get taken in...but compassion and forgiveness MUST be earned. *IF* you go that route, please just make sure that she has EARNED, and will continue to earn, yours.

 

Hugs and best. I know it sucks. I can totally identify with the myriad of, mostly conflicting, emotions and thoughts and 'WTFs?'

[CarrieT]

I'm coming over tonight and we're going to talk about next steps.

Since you know that she is going to beg for yet another chance, what does your gut say to YOU about what you believe the "next steps" should be?