SASSYGIRL Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Hey there. Just recently found this sight. Its a great idea! Here's my story: I've decided to leave my husband of 10 years. The 1st 5 years of our relationship were perfect. We never argued or even disagreed. Completely perfect. Then he went to another country for a short 3 month work term and came back a completely different person. Its like I'm now married to somebody I don't know. I've been trying to convince myself to keep on trying to make it work, but I feel so drained I have nothing left to give. We've tried marriage councelling, for 2 years. 5 years is a long time to live unhappy. I love him but I'm not in love with him, if that makes any sense. I'm usually an outgoing, always smiling type of girl, but now I'm just tired of trying to be one person at home and a different person away from home. I want to be my care free self again!!! My question is this: I have 3 children and have been trying to make this work for so long because of them. When is enough, enough? I know he will be extremely hurt over this. He swears he still loves me, but he certainly doesn't treat me that way. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Hi Sassygirl, To be honest, I don't know that there's enough information in your post to answer your question, "When is enough, enogh?" You just state that for 5 years it was good and then he went away and then it was bad. That he doesn't treat you the same way. Please elaborate.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Before any of our problems started, we had a very open relationship. We both flirted and had a good sense of humor, had no secrets, enjoyed a good party, etc. Now he doesn't like what I wear, wants to know who I'm talking to on the phone, every minute has to be accounted for. My marriage was absolutely perfect until this trip. I really resent him for changing so much. When he got back, he was very distant. He didn't talk to me all day long, then we'd get in bed and have wild sex (making up for 3 months and all)! It only took a few days of this and I found out I was pregnant with #3. He immediately asked me to have an abortion, which I don't agree with, not for a method of birth control anyways. He reminded me the whole 9 months that he didn't want a 3rd kid. When I had the baby, I had to go back in the hospital for 2 weeks which he was not the least bit supportive through. Then every time we had financial problems (or any kind of problems) he would say it was because of the 3rd kid. I got extremely tired of this! I begged him to go to marriage councelling after he returned from his trip. It took me 2 years to convince him to go. We went for 2 years. Now my life consists of everything I say and do getting picked apart in every way possible. He fell in love with me to begin with because I was so energetic and out going. Now he hates that about me. He's convinced that this is what's hurting our marriage. So for 6 months I did things his way, I didn't go out dancing or drinking or anything. That didn't work....... that was hell. I'm convinced that we just started going down two different roads in life. I don't think that a person should have to "settle down" to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 Before any of our problems started, we had a very open relationship. We both flirted and had a good sense of humor, had no secrets, enjoyed a good party, etc. Now he doesn't like what I wear, wants to know who I'm talking to on the phone, every minute has to be accounted for. My marriage was absolutely perfect until this trip. I really resent him for changing so much. When he got back, he was very distant. He didn't talk to me all day long, then we'd get in bed and have wild sex (making up for 3 months and all)! It only took a few days of this and I found out I was pregnant with #3. He immediately asked me to have an abortion, which I don't agree with, not for a method of birth control anyways. He reminded me the whole 9 months that he didn't want a 3rd kid. When I had the baby, I had to go back in the hospital for 2 weeks which he was not the least bit supportive through. Then every time we had financial problems (or any kind of problems) he would say it was because of the 3rd kid. I got extremely tired of this! I begged him to go to marriage councelling after he returned from his trip. It took me 2 years to convince him to go. We went for 2 years. Now my life consists of everything I say and do getting picked apart in every way possible. He fell in love with me to begin with because I was so energetic and out going. Now he hates that about me. He's convinced that this is what's hurting our marriage. So for 6 months I did things his way, I didn't go out dancing or drinking or anything. That didn't work....... that was hell. I'm convinced that we just started going down two different roads in life. I don't think that a person should have to "settle down" to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Did something specific happen to him over there that was traumatic or something? Did he have an affair? That just seems so weird that he would change so much in such a short trip. I mean, 3 months isn't really a long time in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry that he wasn't supportive of your third pregnancy! I can't believe that he's reacted this way re: it. I hope that he treats the 3rd one like he does the other two... Well, I hope. So, you all are not going to counseling anymore? Why not? It sounds like the two of you should probably be there still if you're feeling like it's time to walk out the door. Are you in counseling for you? Maybe that will help. It's always hard to leave someone that you love. And the fact that he's become so nitpicky about what you do and all is yuck-o, no doubt. I would want my partner to accept me for who I am too. (I just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship.) I'm glad that you've been getting out to do the same things that you love. One should be able to compromise in what each person likes to do too at the same time though. I can't tell you how many times that I had to sit and watch bits of Nascar when football was on! Are you sure that you're ready to leave him, or are you just thinking that you should? First you stated that you've decided to leave him and then you asked how you can know when enough has been enough? I assume that he's not abusing you and that neither one of you has any drug/alcohol problems. If that is the case in any way, maybe enough is now. I don't know. Enough is enough when you've had enough. I knew I had enough when I had had it (he abused drugs/alcohol). It's all about when you are ready. This situation is so weird. How can someone change so drastically in 3 months? It just seems to me that giving up on a ten year marriage because he's changed seems somehow like it could be fixed. That the relationship could use some work, but that it might be worth it. Again, I'm not in it and I don't know the whole situation. What else has been going on with the two of you? I agree that we shouldn't have to "settle" in our lives, but "settling down" can be OK. Christ, I'm certainly not the same person that I was in my early 20s, nor would I want to be. Nor would I ever want to be completely boring. I still go out and have a good time on a regular basis and I'm 35. It's an important part of my life and I never want that part of me to go away. He should respect your boundaries to have some freedom in your life; we all need to have a life separate from our partner... Does that mean that you need to leave him? That's a question that only you can truly answer. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Hi sassygirl, See your original post for my response to this thread. (it's the same as your 2nd post in the other thread) Post entitled: How do you know when it's time to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 Hey Shamen! I don't think anything serious happened when hubby was away. With that said, there was another girl involved. He was in China, so he had an interpreter assigned to him. She was a complete knockout who dressed like a slut. But I trusted hubby 100%. I actually asked her to show him around, see the sights, I mean, its quite an opportunity to go to China all expenses paid. Anyway, I don't think he cheated on me, but I do think he realized that he could have feelings for someone else. I did ask him about her numerous times. He swears nothing happened, just that when he kissed/hugged her to say goodbye that he knew he "liked" her and would miss her alot. Its beyond me how someone could change soooo much....... in a matter of a couple of days really. Everything was fine on the phone, before he left China. I heard all the sappy bull**** about wanting to hold me again, never going away again, couldn't wait to kiss me, etc. Bla bla bla! Then 2 days later, I go to pick him up at the airport and he doesn't even hug me! Whats up with that? I don't know, I just feel jipped. I gave everything I had to him(emotionally). Now I know if I let my guard down, I'll get hurt again. I mean its happened 3 or 4 times since this incident. I'm just not willing to get hurt again. Its probably better to be on my own. And as for the kids. He treats them all fine, no problems there really. But, we don't see eye to eye on parenting anymore either. Surprise surprise! lol So I treated myself to a night out this past weekend. It felt real good to let loose again. But on the other side of the road, there sure are alot of dogs out there. I love to dance so I still had a blast! Thanks for your input! I appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Hi Sassygirl, You're right, it doesn't sound like he did anything overseas, which is good! I'm glad that he still treats the kids well and that you got a chance to go out dancing this weekend (and yes, oh yes, there are a lot of dogs out there!!!). Good for you! So, it sounds like you're thinking about leaving him... Leaving a relationship that's gone on for this long is a big decision. Are you two still in counseling? You say that you feel jipped... I don't think that relationships ever stay the way that they were at the beginning, but if he was the same guy for 5 years and then changed after a trip, hmmm. This is a weird one. Do you just feel like you fell out of love or something? Relationships grow and change in lots of different ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 Shamen, Hubby and I are not still in councelling. I actually tried to get him to start going again around x-mas. He wasn't interested then, says he is now though. I don't think I want to go back now and go through everything again. He gets angry there and it just reminds me how much I just don't like this "new" him. I have a hard time time even looking him in the eye, he just always looks so mad....... critical too. Maybe I did fall out of love..... who knows. But what I do know is that if he went back to the same hubby from 5 years ago, we'd have a chance. I'm not saying he's the only one who's changed. I know I've changed too, but I feel like I've been forced to change to adapt to him. I'm pretty sure I'm leaving, I'm just delaying because of my children. I've told him that I'm thinking about moving out and that if I did, it would be in June when my kids are done school for the year. I just don't see things getting better after so long (5 years) of being rotten. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 You love him but your not in love with him. Makes perfect sense when you're talking about a boyfriend. A husband is a life partner. At least that what the instittution is all about. Life partners, for better or worse, in sickness and health, and so on. The institution is anachronistic. Save him the lifetime of pain. Save yourself the lifetime of pain and leave now. Why wait? Do you value the relationship so much that you're willing to give of yourself to work at it forever? It's not absolutely clear that HE has changed, maybe YOU have changed and aren't as flexible as you used to be. Maybe he HAS changed, but are you flexible enough to change with him? If you both went to couselling and he hasn't changed his behavior, then something else is going on. IT's not about you at all. But are you willing to give of yourself to stand by him through this? He may be stuck on the betrayal he feels with the third child. But his emotions are his responsibility. And he might consider therapy on his own - it might be more helpful than couples therapy. The thing about Couples counselling is that both people are still there, and somehow one of them won't feel safe. Are you willing to give of yourself while he works that through? Marriage is not about everlasting love in this society. It's a binding legal contract that benefits women. I think if more people saw it for what it is, they wouldn't get married in the first place. A lot fewer divorces would happen, a lot fewer unwanted children would be around, and a whole lot more people would be a whole lot happier. Just think what kind of world we'd live in with 6.5 bil, self-actualized, happy people and not 1 unwanted child. That would be really nice. It's not enough to say he changed, you're part of this relationship, what are you doing that contributes to the problems? Are you flexible enough to change YOUR behavior? Is HE? These questions and more will be answered in our next episode of "Days of Our Lives" Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom Marriage is not about everlasting love in this society. It's a binding legal contract that benefits women. Sassygirl: I was married 24 years and waited until my kids were grown. Enough was enough a looooong time before, but it took me a long time to get up the confidence and nerve to leave. To answer your question: When is enough, enough? For me, it was when I could imagine myself happier being completely alone than being married. When it felt like there was absolutely nothing left - not even hope - is when enough was enough. LH Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by Lil Honey To answer your question: When is enough, enough? For me, it was when I could imagine myself happier being completely alone than being married. When it felt like there was absolutely nothing left - not even hope - is when enough was enough. Very good point... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 To answer your question: When is enough, enough? For me, it was when I could imagine myself happier being completely alone than being married. When it felt like there was absolutely nothing left - not even hope - is when enough was enough. I thought I was the only one who believed this! That's awesome....... I was beginning to think I was crazy for thinking I could be happier alone. I have no faith in relationships anymore. I don't think I'd ever want to be in another one ever again. Thanks for making me feel sane again!! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 sanity is overrated! Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 Originally posted by MassiveAtom sanity is overrated! So is being a woman - even WITH a divorce, btw . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author SASSYGIRL Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 You say sanity is over-rated...... I say so is marriage...... hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
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