MaggieMae Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I got involved with "Joe" a couple of years ago. We dated for a few months then he wanted to get married. He rushed things and I reluctantly married him then realized I made a huge mistake. I divorced five months later. We both have kids and it was too much too soon. I felt there was no choice other than to leave the relationship because there was just too much pressure. During the time we were married I never moved in with him - he told me I was a horrible wife that we were married and I needed to be in his house taking care of him. Bad move on his part because I hate being told what to do or forced into doing something I'm not ready for yet. I left him. Four months later he shows up on my doorstep - claims he's been miserable without me and he still loves me and knows I'm "the one". Our relationship was great until he became obsessed with marriage and me moving into his house. There's a million other problems (our kids getting along/living together) that he totally ignored. He felt everything would work out fine.... I felt otherwise. We began dating again and things were going along fine but then he started pressuring me to spend more time with him and then in front of our kids right around New Year's he proposed marriage AGAIN. I was caught off guard - especially after we had one discussion after another about rushing into marriage. As it's now been two years of on again off again seeing each other - things are getting tense. I don't want to marry him - I enjoy dating him and doing things with him and our kids but marriage will be a disaster. I cannot imagine moving into his house and our blended family getting along - it's hard enough for everyone to get along on weekends - there's always a problem with the kids. I don't feel safe or secure marrying him and giving up my life to move in with him. Maybe after the kids are grown (which is only 6 more years). When there's problems with our kids - his kids do no wrong. So we can't seem to agree on that. So he's now having hissy fits about how I won't marry him - that he wants a wife in his house and wants to be married and settled, etc. I don't want that!!!!! I love him and want to be with him but marriage won't work for us. I've told him that if he wants a June Cleaver wife he's more than welcome to go look for her. He says he loves me and I'm the one but we both never can see eye to eye on things. I love him but I lack respect for him. Everything is always all about him - I feel my needs and concerns are ignored and this is why I keep my distance and don't want to get married. I guess I've asked for this by allowing him back into my life after divorcing him. At the same time we both feel that since we get along and enjoy the same things it's too hard to go out and meet other people and we're better off staying together. I know I can't marry him and move into his house because it would create too many problems with the kids. I would be miserable under his control - he dominates everything and it's always all about him. We're friends and we go way back - I enjoy his company and I'd like to date him exclusively but he wants too much and I don't want to commit to him because he's such a control freak. When I keep my freedom and independence and he knows I don't need him - he works hard at our relationship but at the same time he wants total control and therefore thinks we should be married. I hope I'm making sense. I just don't know if I should make a clean break and just end it or hope we'll be able to keep our families separate and once the kids are grown then we can talk about marriage. I love him but I can't marry him - there's too many issues here. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 If you really don't want to marry him, then let him go. It sounds to me like you've thought this out thoroughly. You've given very compelling reasons not to progress in the relationship. It becomes a matter of "Fish, or cut bait". The two of you are at cross-purposes in what you want. It's doubtful that you'll come to an agreement, and if you were to capitulate and give him his way...you'd regret it before long, because it wasn't what you ultimately wanted. I doubt he'll move on until you force him to. The best way to do that is to break up with him altogether and go NO CONTACT with him. He won't like it, but in the long run, it gives him an opportunity to find someone else who might share a more common set of goals and values. And it gives you the opportunity to do the same. I'm sorry there doesn't seem to be a compromise solution here. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Sadly, you are the one who makes sense. The rushing, the carelessness, the blindness for problems, the feeling you have it is always about him, and his wants, point to the fact that he is possibly or a control freak, or a narcissist.Either of them is a big red flag, and living with either of these is an absolute torture. Even without the children there seem to be a lot of issues, and problems with compatibility marriage-wise. So I would be very wary of sitting the children out, and then get married to him. There would remain a lot of issues. So hard as it may seem, I would suggest the same NC deal as LadyJane14. Seeing that he is absolutely domineering and making everything always about himself, I would suggest even breaking the ties with him, and move on. That would be better for the both of you. Sorry I cannot offer an healthy alternative for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
MaggieMae Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 I have to say you both are right - there doesn't seem to be any way around this other than to end it once and for all and move on. There are too many deal breakers here - I can't marry him - he's broken my trust too many times and I can never seem to establish the emotional connection I need with him. Thanks for your input - this forum really helps to have people to talk to! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I love him but I lack respect for him. Everything is always all about him - I feel my needs and concerns are ignored and this is why I keep my distance and don't want to get married. He sounds abit old fashioned I guess...Wants his needs met, his way and his conditions. YOU may make him happy ... But how does he make YOU feel happy? You say there's a lack respect...Well, hard to be with somebody if you don't respect them. There are too many deal breakers here - I can't marry him - he's broken my trust too many times and I can never seem to establish the emotional connection I need with him. Go with your gut on this. If he loves you enough and wants to be with you then he'll be with you w/o the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
cowboy way Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 You need to take a look in the mirror. You have a lot of growing to do. You are by no means ready to be with anyone right now because it sound like you are all about yourself. Harsh yes maybe but really look at what your saying. Let this poor guy go so he can find someone who will treat him with some love and respect.. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 14, 2005 Share Posted March 14, 2005 I think cowboy's way far out on the range. This guy is a drip. If he's controlling, he's someone to drop fast and not deal with any more. I love him but I lack respect for him Then you don't love him. Respect is a critical component of love. You may love him like a pet or like a brother, but you don't love him as you'd need to love a spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
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