Shock Top Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry if I'm breaking rules posting minutes from finding and registering myself, but I'm a mess. I've suspected my wife of an affair as she's been cold and distant with me and we pretty much argue about the color of the sky. A "rumor" went around that she was having an affair with someone specific which she alerted me to. I've always wondered if she did that to cover her butt to get to me first or if it was due to it being untrue. Like I said, she's been distant, drunken sex 2x this year, one of which she said she was done and I should have been quicker before rolling off of me. Anyway, I was going to be nice and update her phone as I just got an update on mine while she was sleeping. Her email was open when I hit the button and I looked at the sent items...I couldn't help myself, I've been so suspicious and for many good reasons. My heart started pounding in my chest when I saw her email to the very guy the "rumor" was about. I forwarded it to myself and took a picture as both her and my phone are on my account which I've always paid for. Anyway, here's exactly what she wrote him: "Hey handsome I'm alone and drinking wine in my new Victoria's Secret jammies...what are you up to?". Needless to say I'm beside myself. We have 2 kids, married for 15 years and together for 20. I woke her up and asked her to explain this to me. She insisted it was only one email, I was away (last week!), she was drunk and he never responded. Like a dope I realized I should have dug deeper, but being quick told her not to lie as I'd been looking at her f'g phone. She then admitted to a "few emails", but that he never responded! We were all friends, his wife had heard the rumor as well and confronted him about it a couple years ago. I'm beside myself and asked her to leave tomorrow. She asked to discuss it tomorrow and if I could give her to Friday. So much I'm leaving out, but PLEASE, what input can you give me here? I'm a field sales guy, I travel a little, but am away 2-3 days a month and a full week 2x a year. I don't know I can EVER trust her again. I'd NEVER do this to someone. To me marriage is sacred! Edited September 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Don't worry about posting straight after registering. Its how we all ended up here as we were all in need of support/ advice at some point. The only thing I will say to you at this point is this. Keep calm. I know its hard and I know your emotions are all over the place. But keep calm. If you find your self getting overwrought/ upset take 5 in the garden to calm yourself down. Its only when you are calm and rational that you can start to make decisions about how you wish to move forward. Right now you have just received the biggest shock of your life so keep breathing. There are others here who can share their stories on how they either stayed together or split up and help you along the way. I don't have the full story but from the little you have said your situation may well be salvageable. It will take hard work from both sides, forgiveness, understanding from both sides. Perhaps discuss seeing a marriage counselor (sp apologies) before you make any decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Lots of people including myself have been in your shoes and hopefully we can help. Right now my guess is you feel like the sky is falling and your world just fell apart. Firstly - stay calm take a deep breath and don't do anything stupid. It's bad but life goes on and depending on how you feel you may actually want to try and salvage this. The key is to give yourself some time to figure that out by not doing anything stupid now while your emotions are high. After this happened to me I read a lot about the psychology of these types of situations and also looked at my own behavior which matched closely to what I read was "typical" behaviour for men. The following normally happens in this situation: 1 (Angry Confrontation Stage) - After you find out you are angry and confront her. You come out strong and tell your wife she is a cheat and you can't forgive her or trust her again. You may tell her the marriage is over. Call her a bunch of dirty names and then tell her to get out or move out yourself. Something along those lines. 2 (Pathetic Stage) - Shortly after this you crumble and turn into a crying, pathetic mess and beg for your wife to take you back. You send her soppy emails and messages declaring your undying love, you cry and beg and plead for her to not leave you. <AVOID THIS STAGE AT ALL COSTS - Seriously do not do it> 3 (Separation stage) - The wife responds by telling you that she is not sure how she feels and needs time to "figure out what she wants". She asks for a separation to determine her feelings. As you seem to be at the very beginning of this process can I offer you some simple but important advice. Try and avoid all of the above if you can. Do not abuse her - do not cry and turn into a wimpy mess. Both of these will have an affect on the final outcome if you end up wanting to save the marriage. Right now you want to buy time to get your emotions in check. You need to get to a point where you can have a calm but assertive conversation with your wife about her behavior and what this means for the relationship. My guess based on others experience - is that initially you think you want to end it - but may well change your mind and want to stay with her and save the marriage. If you get to that stage the board will definitely have more advice on what to do to try and save the marriage - using the 180 method (opposite to the pathetic stage 2 above). But for now you need time to process and figure out what you actually want to do. Tell your wife you need to time to process what has happened. Go stay at a friends or family members and do not message or contact her. Give your phone to your friend. Just take time to calm down before talking to her about what will happen next. Believe me you will likely be thankful later you did. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I'm beside myself and asked her to leave tomorrow. She asked to discuss it tomorrow and if I could give her to Friday. She didn't even deny it, she's just bartering for more time? Seems like the rumours were true after all. You will have to play the role of Mr. Nice Guy for now. Give her until Friday. Don't lose your temper or raise your voice. Be calm and rational. Any kind of outburst could harm you in the long run. That doesn't mean back down - be firm but polite. If she agrees to move out on Friday then you should really thank your lucky stars because many cheaters will deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until they are blue in the face and even then will refuse to move out. See a lawyer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted September 17, 2014 Author Share Posted September 17, 2014 She didn't even deny it, she's just bartering for more time? Seems like the rumours were true after all. You will have to play the role of Mr. Nice Guy for now. Give her until Friday. Don't lose your temper or raise your voice. Be calm and rational. Any kind of outburst could harm you in the long run. That doesn't mean back down - be firm but polite. If she agrees to move out on Friday then you should really thank your lucky stars because many cheaters will deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie until they are blue in the face and even then will refuse to move out. See a lawyer! Well firstly, she didn't deny emailing him, but claims nothing ever happened and she doesn't even know what she'd have done if he responded. 2nd, i did something stupid, I confronted my "friend" who corroborated her story and said now he had to tell his wife before it blows up in her face. The other wife texted mine all sorts of explitives and tolder her to stay away from her, their kids, her husband etc. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 I've suspected my wife of an affair as she's been cold and distant with me and we pretty much argue about the color of the sky. A "rumor" went around that she was having an affair with someone specific which she alerted me to. Always trust your gut feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 If I were you, I would look at the time the text was sent, talk to your phone carrier and request an itemized bill for the last several months. See if there was a phonecalls made or received shortly after that text was sent. He may not have texted back, but rather CALLED. Phone sex is a lot more entertaining than sexting in my opinion. If the call was very short, you can speculate that he went over there after she confirmed to him that the coast was clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted September 17, 2014 Author Share Posted September 17, 2014 Always trust your gut feelings. My gut is telling me nothing happend. Logic is telling me it's coming one day if I stick around. Maybe not next month or year, but someday. We had a more rational discussion about where her feelings were coming from and I can't deny she's obviously not been happy the last couple of years...nor have I. She says it was stupid, she'll never do it again, the kids etc, etc. I just don't know, but this all hit me 9 hours ago. At least I slept from 4 to 5:30AM before I realized my body crashed and I couldn't stay asleep. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 The part that doesn't sit right with me, is this giving her until Friday bit. An innocent person would not say, when told to move out after an inappropriate relationship, "give me until Friday". An innocent person would say "hell no I've done nothing wrong, I am not going anywhere just because you're paranoid and untrusting". IMO... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mcnulty Posted September 17, 2014 Share Posted September 17, 2014 Do some more investigating, there's a rabbit away, as she lied, saying one email, then a few. If you want her still, you'll have to get to the bottom of it, can you talk to the other guy maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Always trust your gut feelings. I don't think there is anything more that needs investigating. Lets face it you already know what happened. You don't need to hear the gory details. As Karnak said always trust your gut feeling - it is inevitably right. It is what lead me to a pretty similar place when I caught my wife cheating and it is what lead you to snoop on her phone. You basically already knew what you were going to find when you looked on her phone .... my guess is you were not really that surprised when you found it. I would not focus on what she did ... I would focus on what you want to do now. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 She wanted untill Friday to cover her tracks and clean up evidence and come up with cover stories. She is going to do a lot of gas lighting, trickle try thing and rug sweeping. You don't have a smoking gun that they actually had a physical affair but you do have enough probable cause to go digging for more evidence. I recommend getting some key logger and other spyware on her computers. Perhaps even take computers to a place that does forensic recovery that can recover deleted messages. Pull phone records to get logs of phone calls and texts. And get a couple voice activated recorders and hide in her car and anywhere that she may have private conversations. If you made a mistake in all of this it was confronting her too soon before you had all the evidence but it's not like you do this every day. The problem with confronting without a smoking gun is it gives her room to trickle truth and rug sweep and outright lie. People will only admit to what can be proven. With out proof, you get lies. Go into detective mode and don't confront untill you have proof. What you did do right was telling the OMs wife. Now he's on the defensive and likely not going to show up in your bedroom in the next few weeks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Well it's been some time since first crying on here. I told her it's over, we scheduled an appointement with a mediator. I asked her if she was honestly going to let me divorce her and stick to the story nothing ever happened. She came clean (probably not everything), but admitted to sleeping with him twice, once in MY HOUSE! Other than that they'd met in the park a few times, talked, kissed and complained about their spouses. Got all the paperwork together, kicking her to the curb w/no allimony, whatever the state says i have to pay in child support, a lump sum of $40K and 50/50 custody. I told her she could accept my terms or when the kids turn 18 I'll tell them everything and it'll likely be the last time they have anything to do with her. She accepted my offer, mediator is drawing up the terms for us to sign within the next couple of weeks. Right now she's off shopping houses with her rich father. He's going to buy her a house in HIS name and she'll pay whatever "rent" she can afford. Can't wait till she's out of my life. What a whore! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Well that escalated quickly.... How are the children coping with this? Whatever you do, do NOT diss their mother to them. This is no time to score points and use the children as 'weapons' or try to alter their own developping perception. There are two separate Zones here: Your marriage, and the legal termination thereof - that's personal, and you need to deal with that logically and in complete isolation from.... ....Your children. Who will always be the common ground you share with her. She is the mother of your children; you are their father. This factor makes you and your ex-wife, inseparable. Parenting and care, consideration and love for them, is a no-brainer, and they are completely uninvolved with this divorce, insofar as only their needs have to be considered... Otherwise, they don't figure, except for giving them the continued love, and affection they should always receive from BOTH of you. Whatever she says, whatever she does, about you, or involving them - do not do the same, and do not stoop to playing games, with them in the middle. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Well it's been some time since first crying on here. I told her it's over, we scheduled an appointement with a mediator. I asked her if she was honestly going to let me divorce her and stick to the story nothing ever happened. She came clean (probably not everything), but admitted to sleeping with him twice, once in MY HOUSE! Other than that they'd met in the park a few times, talked, kissed and complained about their spouses. Got all the paperwork together, kicking her to the curb w/no allimony, whatever the state says i have to pay in child support, a lump sum of $40K and 50/50 custody. I told her she could accept my terms or when the kids turn 18 I'll tell them everything and it'll likely be the last time they have anything to do with her. She accepted my offer, mediator is drawing up the terms for us to sign within the next couple of weeks. Right now she's off shopping houses with her rich father. He's going to buy her a house in HIS name and she'll pay whatever "rent" she can afford. Can't wait till she's out of my life. What a whore! While I understand your being upset, I totally disagree with making her agree to financial terms on pain of having you destroy her relationship with the children by telling about the affair. That is blackmail, even if the stuff you'd tell the children is both true and her fault. Using information about an affair to get someone to agree to financial terms is classic blackmail. Don't keep it up, or else you will regret that move. I don't mean to chastise you as much as help you not do anything you'll hate yourself for in future. What she did is her fault: How you react to it is not. Instead, if you do tell the children, do it because you think they should know. Not in order to have a financial settlement. Don't you think that the information would devastate and confuse them? You're willing to do that to them for some monetary terms? I doubt that-- likely you are just upset (and reasonably so!) Do not trade anger for money. Do not bring your children into the mess. Good luck, keep us updated. And yes, I agree that your wife sounds a little trashy and immature, and am very sorry that you had to go through all this. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 this is a messed up situation but don't put your kids in this. I know its difficult not to retaliate but in not doing so, you come out of this the bigger person. Rock steady Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted September 29, 2014 Author Share Posted September 29, 2014 this is a messed up situation but don't put your kids in this. I know its difficult not to retaliate but in not doing so, you come out of this the bigger person. Rock steady Please people, don't be confused. Mommy and Daddy are loaded and always make sure their little girl has everything she needs. As for the kids, I'll make sure they're never wanting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 ShockTop, Totally sucky stitch. I've been there. Took me a lot longer to realize things regarding my marriage. You seem a very strong and sure person, remember to still be soft for your kids and loved ones * 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 Please people, don't be confused. Mommy and Daddy are loaded and always make sure their little girl has everything she needs. As for the kids, I'll make sure they're never wanting. No, I think you're confusing our confusion... we're not talking about future financial stability and needs, We're talking about this bit of your post (in Bold) Well it's been some time since first crying on here. I told her it's over, we scheduled an appointement with a mediator. I asked her if she was honestly going to let me divorce her and stick to the story nothing ever happened. She came clean (probably not everything), but admitted to sleeping with him twice, once in MY HOUSE! Other than that they'd met in the park a few times, talked, kissed and complained about their spouses. Got all the paperwork together, kicking her to the curb w/no allimony, whatever the state says i have to pay in child support, a lump sum of $40K and 50/50 custody. I told her she could accept my terms or when the kids turn 18 I'll tell them everything and it'll likely be the last time they have anything to do with her. She accepted my offer, mediator is drawing up the terms for us to sign within the next couple of weeks. Right now she's off shopping houses with her rich father. He's going to buy her a house in HIS name and she'll pay whatever "rent" she can afford. Can't wait till she's out of my life. What a whore! You effected a settlement and solution by making a threat to use her children against her. No matter how far down the line, it's an unfair hold to have over anyone, and to be honest, it is neither a suitable nor an appropriate 'payback' for what she has done. She did not use and abuse the children, directly, through her actions. You should not be citing the children, directly, as leverage for yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 No, I think you're confusing our confusion... we're not talking about future financial stability and needs, We're talking about this bit of your post (in Bold) You effected a settlement and solution by making a threat to use her children against her. No matter how far down the line, it's an unfair hold to have over anyone, and to be honest, it is neither a suitable nor an appropriate 'payback' for what she has done. She did not use and abuse the children, directly, through her actions. You should not be citing the children, directly, as leverage for yours. Fair enough. That was said in anger umong the initial moments in the heat of argument. We've both been civil and discussed things in much detail. She and I are both happy with the terms of our seperation...it's more than fair and WE BOTH AGREE. Seems many feel that the parents should tell the kids if one of them had an affair and take blame up front. It always comes out years down the road and this way the offending partner gets to admit fault and try to build trust with the children. I'm glad and surprised she feels this is the right thing to do and wants us to do it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted October 2, 2014 Author Share Posted October 2, 2014 As for abusing the children, with all the stress of the affair and me being onto her I imagine she's been downright nasty to the children. Constantly yelling at them, pushing them around yelling the f bomb at them when not getting in line quick enough for God's sake. I'm sorry, but you don't tell a 6 year old having trouble putting on his baseball socks to "just f'g pue em on!". Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 2, 2014 Share Posted October 2, 2014 Then try to let her notice how she's behaving by telling her. Geez, some people... Other than that; she obviously cheated. Do you want to divorce or stay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 Then try to let her notice how she's behaving by telling her. Geez, some people... Other than that; she obviously cheated. Do you want to divorce or stay? Final mediation session is next week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Final mediation session is next week. Good to see you're getting out of there. Find a real woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shock Top Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Coping with a 24 year old bomb shell that's into me for some reason...It's helped quite a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
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