Ex (also ex-best friend) contacted me out of the blue. Why?

[Melusine]

To start things off, I'm not exactly sure if this is the correct part of the forum to post in but since my situation is a little bit odd, this portion of the forum will have to do.

 

So basically I'm in a weird place right now between getting over an ex and still wanting to talk her. The reason being was that before we started dating, we were best friends for about five years and could talk about absolutely everything. She was also the only friend I have ever had, truthfully. To make things short and straight to the point - best friends for five years, dated for a year, she became distant and admitted to cheating on me, broke things off but tried a couple times to repair our friendship without any success. It's been 3.5 years ago since we split and almost two years since I last spoke to her.

 

For the first three years it was very difficult for me to move on but I noticed that I was starting to heal when I thought less and less of her, but a couple months ago I started pining for her for no apparent reason and it's frustrating the hell out of me. I thought about contacting her but decided against it. Surprise, surprise...a couple days ago, I get a message from her stating that she misses talking to me. Hah. "Misses talking to me" is probably not the same as misses ME. Everything in my head is basically shouting "ignore it and don't respond back!", but a part of me wants to know what was the purpose of her reappearing out of the blue and messaging me. I know I shouldn't because I feel like I'm just the "you're the best next option for me" to her. She always treated me like I was second-best anyway, even when we were friends. That, and I'm pretty certain that she now has two small children. I keep thinking that maybe she's just not happy with how her life is going.

 

As much as I would love to have her friendship again, I feel like that we are both going down different pathways in our lives and probably don't have much in common any longer. Besides, I have too much pride to come crawling back to her but this is the first time ever that she initiated contact with me and that's why I have doubt.

 

Any advice about my situation would be greatly appreciated.

[preraph]

I think you're incredibly lucid about the situation with her. My guess is she's painted herself into a corner and finding herself without support if it's true she has had two kids in this time period -- you said nothing about a spouse or anything. I would not reconnect with her. You said she always kind of placed you second. She may very well be thinking about taking advantage of you either financially or some other other here. She may have gotten herself into uncomfortable living conditions and be struggling and looking for a bailout. If I were you, I'd let her twist in the wind. You did too much work to heal yourself to let her snap her fingers and reel you back in. It's only natural to have some sentimental thoughts about exes. It's just important that you not lose perspective and always remember why you broke up. And in this case, it's not like she sounds rehabilitated, only that she is probably a bit needy now. Move forward.

[LuckyLady13]

I agree with something Preraph said. You do sound lucid about your situation with her. But you said something that caught my eye. You don't think the two of you would hit it off anymore. Well, then talk to her! Because this way, when you find out you're just not compatible and your lives have changed or the two of you have changed to such a point that you're not attractive to each other anymore, you will not pine for her ever again and that will help you move forward. I think talking to her at this point, especially because of the state of mind you're in (very objective) would be a great idea to help get through your brain that you're just not into her anymore. I think it would help you bury the past.

 

I had my ex-best friend contact me after treating me horribly 10 years before. I thought, okay, she wants to talk? Let's talk! I let her open her big mouth to find she hadn't changed for the better at all and I did. I changed a lot! Hearing her again, hearing it come from her own mouth that she was the same person she always was helped me bury the past with her in a heartbeat, tell her she never changed even slightly for the better and I kicked her out of my life so hard she's probably still feeling it. But the best thing that did? Was help me bury all that past I held onto for years. And I had zero guilt about it when I heard from her again because she made it so obvious she was a really bad person who wasn't even remotely worthy of feeling bad for.

 

Sometimes getting the guts to confront your past is the healthiest, best thing you can do to bury it for good.

[me85]

She proved that she could neither be a lover nor a friend to you when she exited your life.

 

If you really are over her and doing good now but want to communicate with her, then fine.

 

BUT DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT be a shoulder for her to cry on or be flirty or discuss anything sentimental.

 

If you respond, you respond like this, "Well this is out of blue. Hope you're doing well."

[Melusine]

Thank you for the insightful responses, preraph, luckylady13, and me85. After sleeping on it and thinking a lot about what all three of you had to say, I decided to respond back to my ex but with an indifferent tone to it. I figured it didn't hurt to see what she has to say, but do know that I will definitely keep your advice in mind, preraph. If she even decides to reply back and the conversation veers toward a subject which seems like she plans on taking advantage of me, I'm cutting off contact completely.

 

Also, I was purposely being vague about the "two small children and not mentioning a spouse" thing because I'm not quite sure what the situation is between her and her boyfriend/the father at this time. It's very possible that they split or she's now feeling remorse for leaving me for him.

 

I would like to elaborate on why I posted that I always felt second-best around her. Basically, she is a very indecisive person. During our friendship, she also had another close friend that I did not particularly like but since her friend and I never really had to interact with each other, it wasn't a big deal. However, there was a period of three months where my friend decided that it was perfectly acceptable to abandon me and hang out exclusively with her other friend. I felt extremely hurt by the abandonment and when we repaired our friendship, I became wary of her interacting with her friends in fear that she might pull that stunt again.

 

Us being together romantically had taken a toll on both of us emotionally because we had to hide the relationship from our families, but I had a feeling that her family suspected something was off and kept dropping suggestions that she should find a nice man to be with. I guess when the first guy showed interest in her, she just jumped on to something that could have been normalcy in her life. Our relationship wasn't perfect and we both made mistakes, but I still loved her dearly and couldn't understand where one moment we were fine and then next moment she dumps me. The split was very bitter and her boyfriend basically threatened me to never come around again, but she still tried to be friends. It didn't work because I was still angry at her.

 

Now...I'm doing a lot better and finally focusing on finishing my Bachelor's degree, but she still sometimes lingers around in my head because she was my only friend.

[preraph]

I'm sorry you sustained such a loss with her. Your further info you provided does clarify some things, but I have to say that to me, once anyone decides it's okay to minimize you and put you down the priority ladder, that sort of takes you out of feasible romantic potential. I hope the talk goes well and that you come out feeling stronger than ever. Don't her her BS you into anything.