Very <conflicted>

[nikki1228]

Hi, I am new to this forum because I have found myself in a tough situation. Here are the details of my situation.

 

I am married. We have been together for 9 years. We have 3 kids together. I do love him but I am afraid I'm not in love with him anymore. He works a lot and when he is home he does not pay attention to me or the kids. I have tried so hard for over a year now to get him to work on these issues but it never gets through to him.

 

A couple months ago I started talking to this great guy. Him and his wife are separated. We have grown to have real feelings for each other. I have this deep emotional and physical connection with him that I have never had with my husband. We see each other once a week and it is absolutely amazing when we are together. We know we have fallen in love with each other. He lives 4 hours away from me but he makes the drive once a week just to spend a few hours together. We talk and share everything. He makes me truly happy.

 

 

My husband found out about Him a couple weeks ago. I was not fully honest I told him we are just friends and that it is not something more. I did tell my husband that I don't know if working on our marriage is what I want to do anymore. Now that I have 1 foot out the door my husband is changing. I have spent 9 years letting it be all about my husband and doing what ever he wanted or needed to make him happy. Now I feel like I want to focus on me and what I want.

 

I just can't seem to be honest with my husband or say the words it's over to him. At the end of it all....I still care about him and I don't want to see him in pain. I can't just walk away from the other guy either. This is such a tough decision. Do I tell my husband what all is going on with the other guy? Or do I just try to work on my marriage? I really want to be with the other guy all the time. Share our lives together. But at the same time I have a life and family with my husband. It's hard to just end it.

Any thoughts?

Edited September 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[loveboid]

You could do what it seems a lot of men do, even if they cheat. They put their marriage first, even if it's crappy. Something I've come to admire in men. I would find a professional third person (not this friendly guy) to help you and your husband with your marriage because at this point you and him have failed at something and need help. A third person has an impartial, unbiased perspective with nothing to lose for speaking up. There is usually an elephant in the room that the couple is too afraid to deal with but a counselor is not.

[Pinklotus]

Your other guy seems great because you see him once a week on his best behavior. You don't have to wash his dirty socks or listen to him snore. You say you love your husband...get to a marriage counselor and see if you can fix it.

 

Read the threads here. Everyone says the connection with their AP is amazing, great, soul mate, etc. so many threads could have been written by the same person. Same script with minor deviations.

 

If you don't want to tell your husband the truth, at least end all contact with the other guy and devote yourself to fixing your marriage. If your husband won't get on board with counseling, then you can consider divorcing him and being with whoever you want.

 

A divided life cannot be successful or happy in the end.

[whichwayisup]

You owe it to your husband and children to give your marriage your absolute best before throwing in the towel. Learn to communicate and really listen to one another, find out what needs you both are missing and also spend more time together as a couple, not just mom and dad letting daily routines and life get in the way.

 

Do you really want to start over with this OM who is separated?

 

Just seems like you've gone outside of your marriage to fix what you are missing, instead of being completely honest (and yes tell your H everything, the whole truth of your affair) you've now made life harder and more complicated.

 

Go to marriage counseling with your husband. Say goodbye to the OM.

[Lovemesomehim]

When and if this om begins pulling away from you, will you also go outside of that relationship to seek the attention and affection you need?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Hi, I am new to this forum because I have found myself in a tough situation. Here are the details of my situation.

 

I am married. We have been together for 9 years. We have 3 kids together. I do love him but I am afraid I'm not in love with him anymore. He works a lot and when he is home he does not pay attention to me or the kids. I have tried so hard for over a year now to get him to work on these issues but it never gets through to him.

 

A couple months ago I started talking to this great guy. Him and his wife are separated. We have grown to have real feelings for each other. I have this deep emotional and physical connection with him that I have never had with my husband. We see each other once a week and it is absolutely amazing when we are together. We know we have fallen in love with each other. He lives 4 hours away from me but he makes the drive once a week just to spend a few hours together. We talk and share everything. He makes me truly happy.

 

 

My husband found out about Him a couple weeks ago. I was not fully honest I told him we are just friends and that it is not something more. I did tell my husband that I don't know if working on our marriage is what I want to do anymore. Now that I have 1 foot out the door my husband is changing. I have spent 9 years letting it be all about my husband and doing what ever he wanted or needed to make him happy. Now I feel like I want to focus on me and what I want.

 

I just can't seem to be honest with my husband or say the words it's over to him. At the end of it all....I still care about him and I don't want to see him in pain. I can't just walk away from the other guy either. This is such a tough decision. Do I tell my husband what all is going on with the other guy? Or do I just try to work on my marriage? I really want to be with the other guy all the time. Share our lives together. But at the same time I have a life and family with my husband. It's hard to just end it.

Any thoughts?

 

My SM is an LDR, she is in the same boat as you. So I see it first hand. Though she is a strong woman, and loves me so much deeper than her husband. Because she is strong, she wants the best for her children and will not divorce or separate. I trust her in such a decision, and love her just as much because we understand each other.

 

You either cut bait or swim with the sharks on this one. Nobody can tell you what is right for you, as your heart is set whether or not you hear what is best.

 

You know what you have, it is how you find what works for you in an emotional level. Because, when you are depressed and hurting, everyone around you will notice, and you may weaken further into doing something without thinking.

[Be_Strong]

Seeing as how you've been together with your husband for 9 years, it's a safe bet you have three pretty young kids. Your number one responsibility in life right now is the welfare of those 3 kids. You need to seriously think about how all of your actions will affect those children. Do you really want your kids to grow up in a broken home where they inevitably find out that their mother is an adulterer that cheated on their father and caused the divorce? Maybe you think that you will get along grand with this OM, but what happens in the future if your kids hate this guy's guts?

 

You fit the typical mold of a wife that feels she has been shouldering an unfair load of the household duties in the marriage and finally rebels by taking a selfish action. The problem is that the selfish action usually causes vast amounts of harm to themselves and every person they love. Don't destroy your life because of a selfish impulse to do something for yourself that hurts the people you love.

[A.Moscote]

Be brave and honest nikki, put the truth on the table, be selfish that way. At least plan for it now, and pray for a suitable chance. You'd be surprised at how many paths you'll see afterwards.

 

Yes some make it through by hiding their mistakes but read through the forum a bit more and you'll see how many are struggling to improve their marriages because of it, worse, they fall back into the affair again and again. Going nowhere in the end, deceiving for years.

 

Of course being brave and honest would also pave the way for you to be with your new man, avoiding an affair.

[Scorpio Chick]

nikki1228, the title of your thread got me thinking, about all these affairs written about on Loveshack.

 

You say you're very conflicted. Yet, you're accepting automatically that because you chose to get involved with another man, that you now have a conflict. And that this conflict is a legitimate conflict, that you now have a decision that needs to be made. This wasn't thrust on you, this was what YOU CHOSE. I say this and mean it non-judgmentally. I believe you are in love with this other man. But you also made a bigger choice years ago and out of that choice, children were born. So that choice takes precedence over this latter choice. If there is no abuse in the marriage, that you and your children are safe, then it would be wrong to dissolve a marriage because you fell in love with someone else. Marriage is bound to get boring but that doesn't mean it HAS to be boring.

 

I think there are so many divorces today very simply because people have bought into the thinking that they have an easy choice to get out of it if it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. We have dozens of choices for everything now and I think people are just basically now spoiled by having the luxury of MAKING those choices.

 

Please don't leave your husband, or at least wait until your children are 18. If there's arguing, address that issue. As long as there's no abuse, no addictions, etc...you owe it to yourself to keep the vows you made to the man you call your husband. He's also the father of your children. While I know you don't see this right now, what you have is a real blessing. There are people on here who have posted about how they can't get dates, they don't know how to approach women, or some women have issues staying with a man. Don't take for granted something that isn't intrinsically damaged, that many other people dream about having.

 

Just as you think you have a choice to abandon this family unit, you also have a choice in doing as much as you can to help make it better. It's not a lost cause.

 

Children do suffer because of divorce. What they have grown used to all changes. It's tough enough to be a kid, to be learning so many new things, that to have the dissolution of your family added to it, is not fair to ask young kids to go through, just because you're in love with someone. As much as possible, their lives ought to be carefree and innocent. Hell, we adults don't understand emotionally everything, why do so many people think young kids are so resilient and able to easily weather the storm of divorce?

 

Anyway, I hope you take this in the spirit it is meant, and that is to hopefully make you see that what you're feeling is common in the realm of affairs. What's getting so less common is intact families. I, for one, wish the tide would turn.

[MuddyFootprints]

These 'in love' feelings you are experiencing are fleeting and juvenile.

 

 

You have real love at home. That is what true love is.

[jellybean89]

You have been with the separated MM for a few months and you've decided to throw away your 9 year marriage on a guy you really don't know -- I know you spend a couple hours a week having sex and "being in love" but really? You don't even know him!

 

You do owe it to your H to stop lying. I find it hard to believe you never felt much for your H to begin with - seems like you are rewriting history to make yourself feel less guilty for cheating.

 

What have YOU been doing to keep the fire going between you and your H? Do you have a job? How will you support your 3 kids if you divorce? The MM isn't going to support you. You don't get attention from your H, who works every day to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly (and the 3 kids) but it seems as if you have too much down time on your hands since you ended up in an affair ... and where are your kids while you are spending a few hours a week with the MM? They can't be very old since you and your H have only been together 9 years. Where exactly did you "meet" this guy who lives 4 hours away?

 

You are in an affair fog. You think you have this deep connection to some guy you spend hours a day texting/talking/skyping/emailing with. You have chosen to invest in an affair vs your marriage.

 

Have you thought about how you will raise 3 kids alone? Do you plan to move with your kids 4 hours away to be with the separated, but not divorced, MM? Why hasn't he divorced? Why did you two start an affair vs waiting to divorce first?