besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I (30 years old) am exhausted and tired of trying to problem solve things with him (31 years old) 2.5 years together living together 1 year never spoken to or met his family (he has spoken to mine over the phone) I finally told him although we agreed to re-evaluate the trajectory of the relationship to get engaged at the end of Summer 2015, I just couldn't hold on anymore not that I am in love or want to date anyone else new right now, but I don't believe I've asked for something unreasonable. What I have asked for: 1) to become engaged it doesn't matter how long the engagement lasts it doesn't matter about getting a ring; I just prefer after 2.5 years of my life with someone to have a more serious commitment than just bf/gf like a promise that we are both on the same page in terms of eventually getting married one day in the future years later b/c I am not interested in having children since I am the oldest of 5 children and I really have been raising my brothers and sisters since I was 9 years old so I feel like I've already had children to some extent honestly... 2) He says engagement is equal to marriage in terms of the commitment and energy he has to invest in the relationship. I don't believe he understands how invalidating this is after spending 2.5 years together. 3) I finally told him I can't do this anymore, I believe it's the right decision; it's really not about me having impatience I feel disrespected even though he doesn't disrespect me by verbally/physically abusing me I believe he's emotionally abusing me by not collaborating together to make the relationship more tolerable or bearable to wait until he decides when he is ready to commit. I would like any constructive comments about my approach...again this isn't about a biological clock ticking I delayed serious relationships until my late 20s/early 30s because I set a goal for myself to complete my doctoral program at an Ivy League school (even though I had no legacy/connections/and came from a blue collar family) and rejected proposals/engagements/broke hearts because I wasn't ready to settle down until I reached my personal goals. This guy is also almost done with his PhD in December, and will probably be in a better place to reassess the relationship and I know not holding out and remaining in the relationship on my side does seem impatient and maybe lacking empathy but honestly everyone reading; I feel disrespected and each day feel that I am not happy. I want to take care of myself and I don't feel he is looking out for my best interests in terms of my overall well being because he knows how this limbo state is adversely harming me yet doesn't do anything to alleviate his supposed partner's misery. So I broke up with him and am just writing things here to process this situation and hope to be able to read some constructive feedback as well. Thank you for your time. PS: This guy really makes me miserable with his mismatched life timelines and relationship expectations, but I care about having a smart man more than money or looks. I am worried I won't find another man who is as smart as I am which is why I stayed for as long as I did. I feel a moderate amount of hopelessness about any future prospects. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostdreams Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 What I miss here is do you love him ?? .... the vibe you are giving is that there is no passion and you are not happy in my opinion this is more of a dealbreaker than whether or not you are engaged. If you have love, passion and happiness - who cares about being engaged 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you for your reply, yes we had those things but once I discovered he was stalling on moving forward; it all died and went away. I sense that if he would make a more serious commitment/promise to me everything would come back from my side, but he says from his side he is telling me he does have love passion and happiness for himself but his problem is that he cannot tolerate our constant fights he understands why we fight and he understands that problem and the details of the problem but it's not possible to solve it in the short term and when he cant solve it in the short term and it's hurting him so much then this problem with us talking so many times and coming up with solutions and plans to discuss next summer and he thinks next summer deadline set still doesn't resolve the underlying problem sorry if this reply doesn't make sense he's pleading with me over the phone and I am typing he says his issue is that he feels we still don't have maturity in the relationship. I am tired Lostdreams Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I'd like to know why it means so much to you to get engaged, since you are not interested in having kids. Is it because you think that an engagement will make him take your relationship seriously? If so, do you really believe that a person of this age will be forced to take a relationship seriously just cause of a ring or some promise? I see a smart but confused young woman here who is trying to make the best of her self. I think you would get great help if you visited a counselor or maybe a friend or relative could help you sort out some things in your mind. I feel you are compromising with this man cause you think you won't find anyone smarter or better. Personally I don't get scared with the idea of compromise (nobody is perfect and everyone compromises), but I feel there is nothing rushing you into getting engaged or married at the moment. Maybe it's better you take some time off and start doing things for yourself. Try to meet new people, have new hobbies and I bet you'll find a person who will 110% respect you and who won't be scared to meet you to his family. This man you are with seems to have commitment issues. It's not about you, it's who he is. I'd suggest to stay single for a while and reevaluate the situation with clear mind. It's not fair for a smart and educated woman like you to be mistreated like this. Good luck girl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrWorkinProgress Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 My ex and I had a similar issue to this. We had a lot of problems in the relationship and I wasn't going to get into a marriage with someone with whom I didn't have a healthy relationship. I wanted to marry her, but I wanted us to address some of these issues before I felt able to commit the next forty years of my life. My ex, however, saw it differently: she saw getting engaged as a symbol of commitment that would make our relationship better. My perspective was that she thought engagement, marriage, children, etc. would "fix" an unhealthy relationship. I'm sure her perspective was that I didn't believe in the relationship enough to commit. At the end of the day, we didn't make it. It's sort of a catch-22, I guess. All I can say is I know of plenty of people who thought getting married or having children would solve the problems in the relationship and they didn't: they just made them more complicated. If you have doubts about this, maybe YOU'RE better off not getting engaged. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 That's a tough situation. When two people have different life goals and timelines it may be best to part ways. That said, my girlfriend and I have been together for three years with no plans to move in together or get engaged. Despite being very much in love, we choose to take a slower path than most. Some friends of ours were together for ten years before getting engaged and then married a few years ago. Other friends have been together for five years, with a child, with no current plans for marriage. We all have our own timelines, but I think there's a lot to be said for waiting, especially in your case when he's finishing up his PhD. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 If you have to cajole, plead, beg, manipulate, negotiate, or otherwise compromise into something that isn't mutually desired from the get-go, then the relationship is essentially over... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 I resonate very much with MrWorkinProgress' response. I think I feel similarly as your ex did and I am appreciative for you taking the time to put your experience into words for me because just as she felt "getting engaged as a symbol of commitment that would make our relationship better" that really seems to be my position and maybe that is the issue I need to discuss with a new counselor I will be meeting with on Monday. Thank you for your response! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Hi Rester! I have been waiting as best as I can, but my biggest concern is that the waiting feels invalidating and is harming my overall well being. I also have a friend who has been with her bf for 5 years. As per the three year slow path yes I moved out like a month ago and I think your decision to take a slower path is a really great approach. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You did the right thing in ending it. He would never have married you, and that is what you want. You deserve to be with someone who has the same wants as you. It's not about mismatched timelines. He wouldn't want to marry you on any timeline, as hurtful as that is to come to grips with. My situation was similar, and I wasted 3 yrs. with someone who kept promising marriage but never came through. There was always some reason we had to put it off. You would be surprised at how many people (especially women) find themselves in this same situation. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. You end up investing years with someone who would never have committed. It's really rough on the back end of it because you have to come back to reality and realize that the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. The other person was probably always half in even though you were all in. As hard as it was for me in the months following my breakup, there was a sense of relief that it was all over. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Dear LostDreams, I want to get engaged because I want to feel that we are passed that stage of bf/gf. I want to have a relationship with his extended family already especially because he's an only child and my father died when I was 19 and he still as a father alive and well and his father never had a daughter and I don't have a father so it really works out. Plus his mother and I have so much in common in terms of our professional/academic interests so we could get along really well too. I have my own family too but I wanted to get engaged to bring my relationship with him closer to his family since he's a bit of a workaholic and I think it would be nice to all communicate and be close with each other so they know more about their son and I just think having more new members of his family in my life would be so great! Also, thank you for your sweet and kindhearted response! I am totally going to see a therapist beginning this Monday for a little while to further process this matter. Again your response really touched me and I am grateful. Warmest! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I would be more concerned that in 2 1/2 years, you haven't even met his family... There are more and more red flags to this relationship than the lack of an engagement. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 PS: This guy really makes me miserable with his mismatched life timelines and relationship expectations, but I care about having a smart man more than money or looks. I am worried I won't find another man who is as smart as I am which is why I stayed for as long as I did. I feel a moderate amount of hopelessness about any future prospects. It's not really about the timeline. Don't buy that BS. You both expect something different from the relationship, and the fact is that he does not want to commit to you in marriage. He doesn't want that deep of a commitment. He's fine with living with you because he feels that he can probably leave easier if he wants to. The worry that you won't find anyone else is normal. Pretty much everyone has worried about that, but the fact is that he has no intentions of marrying you. He let you go right? You are much more certain and committed than he is, so you aren't compatible anyway. There are many more men who are smart out there, and, to be honest, you need to focus on finding someone who loves you unconditionally and has similar expectations as you in a relationship. That's much more important than how smart the person is or if you share common hobbies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 2.5 years and you haven't even met or spoken to his family. I'm not surprised as to why he's not wanting the sort of commitment you desire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Dear LostDreams, I want to get engaged because I want to feel that we are passed that stage of bf/gf. I want to have a relationship with his extended family already especially because he's an only child and my father died when I was 19 and he still as a father alive and well and his father never had a daughter and I don't have a father so it really works out. Plus his mother and I have so much in common in terms of our professional/academic interests so we could get along really well too. I have my own family too but I wanted to get engaged to bring my relationship with him closer to his family since he's a bit of a workaholic and I think it would be nice to all communicate and be close with each other so they know more about their son and I just think having more new members of his family in my life would be so great! Don't feel the need to justify why you want an engagement. It's normal to want an engagement after 2.5 years together. That is nothing out of the norm, but you have let this guy dictate what you should want and second guess yourself. It happens when you love someone. It creeps up on you, and one day, you look at the relationship and realize it's not at all what you wanted from the start. I remember looking up after 2.5 yrs together and realizing that I was living with this guy and his son. I was doing a lot of the housework and yard work, cooking him dinner most nights, doing homework with his son and basically anything else a mom does. I remember just crying myself to sleep one night (alone again because my ex worked late hours) because he had bought me an engagement ring 6 months ago but had never given it to me. He kept feeding me empty promises of "when" we get married and "when" we get engaged. I remember asking myself how this happened. How did I get myself into a situation where I was playing his wife with few of the benefits. I should have left the next day, but I foolishly stayed and let him dump me a few months later. Sometimes, you need to reassess, and you made the right move in leaving. Don't waste anymore time on this guy. It's a road to nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Oh my goodness BC1980! First, thank you for sharing your experience that was a very bad judgement call he made to provide you with a false sense of security talking about a future marriage like that I get people can change their minds, but his behavior seemed especially un-empathetic to your experience in the relationship and establishing a maternal role in his son's life. I am sorry that happened to you and it's completely understandable to feel justified anger about how that experience all played out. I am sorry for your having those precious tears and I hope for every tear you had you will have a happy moment and blessings to replace them for the rest of your life. Thank you for helping to validate my decision to move out/move on from this perter pan man sigh... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Hi Rester! I have been waiting as best as I can, but my biggest concern is that the waiting feels invalidating and is harming my overall well being. I also have a friend who has been with her bf for 5 years. As per the three year slow path yes I moved out like a month ago and I think your decision to take a slower path is a really great approach. Thank you. Staying in a relationship that is hurting your well being is not good. I think you did the right thing in leaving him. I would be more concerned that in 2 1/2 years, you haven't even met his family... There are more and more red flags to this relationship than the lack of an engagement. I agree with this. I think it's strange to not introduce a serious significant other to family, even if family is 3000 miles away. At some point I'd think you both would want to know where each other has come from in life, and that requires some knowledge of each others' family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You know what besidemyselfalready, I'm not worried at all about you. You are a very smart and compassionate young woman and I bet you'll find a man you deserve in no time. I'm very happy to see you taking your life in your own hands and moving towards happiness. I really wish you good luck and whatever you wish I hope you find it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 Thank you SummerDreams Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 I think you absolutely made the right decision by leaving him. 2.5 years with someone is plenty long enough to know whether you want to marry them or not. Why waste anymore time?? I'm sure he will find ways to get you back or reconsider, talk to him, be his friend...whatever. Don't fall for it. You made your choice, now you must stick with it! I really admire someone who shows their backbone. Good for you! (= 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 18, 2014 Author Share Posted September 18, 2014 EVERYONE WAS RIGHT He graduated yesterday and failed to let me know he completed his defense and when I confronted him about it he said it's because he wanted to surprise me wtf Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 EVERYONE WAS RIGHT He graduated yesterday and failed to let me know he completed his defense and when I confronted him about it he said it's because he wanted to surprise me wtf You're officially broken up right? Why are you still talking to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes everything happened all at once yesterday I moved out a month ago but we broke up yesterday. He was nervous about the pass/fail PhD defense and that's why he did not tell me beforehand b/c he said it would make him nervous, but I felt 100% betrayed because he didn't express his vulnerability about being nervous to me beforehand and for him not being transparent about things. It's sad to have reached this point and for everything to just fall apart at the end of those years of relationship struggles (we even did couples counseling before). I have such a headache from crying all day long. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Girl keep your head up high, a break up is never pleasant but just look at it as the beginning of something new for you cause you deserve a lot better than this. I'm looking forward to know what your counselor will advise you on Monday if you want to share. You are too young to ruin your life with mediocre situations. Just remember that what you are going through now will seem like a distant bad dream in 5 months time. Show must go on. You have the strength, do it. Sending you my best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author besidemyselfalready Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Thank you SummerDreams! Link to post Share on other sites
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