Itspointless Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I agree with the others that there were some red flags with him, as for example the fact concerning his family. I am really sorry for that as hurt shouldn't happen to anyone. Perhaps I over-read it but what I seem to be missing in this discussion - and I mean that without judgement - is the way control seems to play an important role in your life. There were a few sentences that surprised me, but given your history they do not really. In my own childhood there were a lot of insecurities so I tried to control my own life the best I could. That dream fell apart when one of my parents got ill and eventually died. I tell you this so you keep on reading as I am not blaming you for what I read. Sometimes we want to get a heavy grip on the parts in our lives we can control a bit because other parts are too uncontrollable. Controlling these parts give us the very much needed sense of control. It also is still a part I recognize within myself. The way you write it seemed like you were very in control with the things you could control a bit, like your studies, or what you wrote about about the 'rejected proposals/engagements/broke hearts because [you were not] ready to settle down until [you] reached [your] personal goals'. But with him I read that you hoped to compensate things you missed in your youth massively, like getting a new family you could share things with. In a way your grieve here is about much more than him alone. I am happy you are writing about seeing a therapist, I think you can get to a much better place with some help. Take care, your life will get where you want it to be at some point. I am sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Yes everything happened all at once yesterday I moved out a month ago but we broke up yesterday. He was nervous about the pass/fail PhD defense and that's why he did not tell me beforehand b/c he said it would make him nervous, but I felt 100% betrayed because he didn't express his vulnerability about being nervous to me beforehand and for him not being transparent about things. It's sad to have reached this point and for everything to just fall apart at the end of those years of relationship struggles (we even did couples counseling before). I have such a headache from crying all day long. Ohhh )= My heart breaks for you! I know how you feel. Like it's all been for nothing. You'll get over this eventually. Just let yourself feel the way you're feeling but if you feel really down and out after like a month, you'll have to start working hard to pick yourself up. And we'll all be here to help you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MrWorkinProgress Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I resonate very much with MrWorkinProgress' response. I think I feel similarly as your ex did and I am appreciative for you taking the time to put your experience into words for me because just as she felt "getting engaged as a symbol of commitment that would make our relationship better" that really seems to be my position and maybe that is the issue I need to discuss with a new counselor I will be meeting with on Monday. I don't want to give you the wrong impression: you're not wrong to get out of a relationship with someone you don't feel is committed to you. Not meeting his family in all that time seems odd to me, and if his not getting engaged yet doesn't meet your needs and expectations, then he's not the right person for you. My point was simply that engagement, marriage, and children are much more than symbols: they're the rest of your life and serious responsibilities, and I tend to try to look at them as such and let other things be the barometer of commitment. Forty years is a long time to submit yourself and your children to a bad relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BridgetGrey Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I had to post here because the poster situation resembles to mine so much. I met this guy online and we were friends for 2 years started LDR last year and five month ago we both ended things. It was mainly my call as I saw no future and I was just in pain most of the time like you UNHAPPY freaking miserable because I knew deep down he would never commit to me and I saw the gaps between us and I knew I had to end up when communication died down. Now let me you the harsh reality the timing sucks and circumstances do, but he would have never married you ... My ex was the same did not want to have to bear more in his plate and our relationship got too much for him after I asked for a serious commitment. Do I blame him no I don't it's his life he has to look after himself and his family and not add more. But reality his idea of relationship is flawed as he thinks he is likely to have a lasting one in the west when relationships are all the same they require commitment and not walking away and I believe fully hearty with my ex history sure he will relationships after me , but saddle one in a long lasting one .. NEVER because he does not have the ability due to his background and the fact that he doesn't want to fix himself. Be happy and take care of yourself that is the most important thing. I do believe one day we will look at this relationship and see we are better off with another person or with personal success Link to post Share on other sites
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