Maybe I can take this out of my chest

[Anais]

Is it being raped when you are forced not physically but emotionally to have sex when it hurts, doctor said it is not allowed and you simply don’t want?

[d'Arthez]

It depends on the country where you exactly reside at the moment, but basically it is rape if you are not giving consent. Saying you don't want to because it hurts for example, is a clear no, and emotional tactics to force it, are NOT permissible.

[Anais]

I got complications during child delivery. It wasn’t done by cesarean.

So I tore and had to get stitches. I felt every stitch that was made. I thought I could not sit down anymore. I had to stay in the hospital for 10 days.

Doctor said I am not allowed to have sex for about 40 days. I was scared I can never have sex anymore. I could feel the pain long time. I didn’t get wet anymore. After about 20 days, ex husband started to yell on me, saying that I am pretending, that I just don’t want to have it…HE said if I won’t allow him he will be seeing other women. I have been ashamed to tell anybody as my self-esteem was damaged. I remember waiting him to finish with the thought not much is left, just be patient.

I was a wimp.

[d'Arthez]

I am so ... so sorry to hear that at that man.

 

I noticed by your wording that English is not your first language.

 

But as long as it happened in a "Western country" your rights, are good. I don't know how long ago it did happen, but if the "legal period" has not expired yet, you could still file a case probably.

 

Although, and I hate to tell you, that rape in the relational sphere, is one of the hardest to prove offenses in a court of law.

 

I am sorry I cannot offer you more than my thoughts. And hope that you are well now.

 

If you want to remove your message from the message board it is still possible, as it is highly personal information.

[Anais]

It was in eastern country and was 7 years before. I don't want any revenge or so. I just thought to talk it out.

[d'Arthez]

It is one of the most hurtful experiences a woman can have, especially considering who did it.

 

That is doubly a blow to your self-esteem. Of course you were ashamed of what happened. You were humilliated by him, and what he did to you. That is what is so sad about sexual crimes. Women are often humiliated, because they suddenly experienced what is to be totally powerless. And that makes it hard to speak open about it.

 

But don't blame yourself too much for that. You tried to stand up for yourself, and that is already hard in the physical condition you were in. Don't be too harsh on yourself; and he could not give you the respect you deserved.

 

I don't know how good your marriage was at the time, and if your ex-husband would have become violent with you. But the fact that he used emotional blackmail on you to get what he wanted, is something you could not defend yourself against.

 

I hope your physical pain is gone now. And that you did not suffer permanent damage to your body.

[Anais]

Thank you d'Arthez,

 

Yes I totally recovered physically. Emotionally I thought I recovered, but when I was posting this I lived that pain again. HE beat me once after that also, I had big lip and was bleeding. Divorce was not accepted in that society.

If I wouldn’t leave the country I would still be married him probably.

[d'Arthez]

It is a good thing you left that country.

 

Healing is hard from rape.

Only with time the emotions and the remembrance will disappear. It sometimes might resurface. But if you are near a loved one who knows what happened, you can depend on him or her.

 

Trusting a man sexually can be hard because of what happened. But if he understand your concerns, he will respect you and your words. He will understand you, when these fears suddenly reappear.

 

The best to you,

[Anais]

Thank you for all your support and kind words d'Arthez.

 

I don’t know what came to me yesterday to post such thing from past. I have tried to idealize ex and think of him as a nice guy, that it just didn’t work out with marriage. I never complained about my past life to anyone even to mom. I still think of him as a best friend of mine in past. I am often being too soft, too understanding . Looking back I think it has been a reason of many my life mistakes. I don’t have that aggression to protect myself.

 

Luckily I have met a great guy that I am married now. So life has been changed a lot.

[d'Arthez]

I am so happy for you that you have found someone great for you. I read in another post though, that it is still LDR. Which is a bit frustrating of course.

 

It's difficult to live with any past. Often you try to idealize people for various reasons. And I don't doubt your ex-husband had many good qualities. But also this darker side to him. And as hard as it is, you must come to accept that. At least for yourself.

 

Don't be upset with yourself. Sometimes the pains from the past return. And if you get the support here or from your husband does not really matter. If you need the support, all that matters is that you receive it. And sometimes it is easier from a stranger, than from someone familiar.

 

I wish you and your husband the best, and hope you enjoy the rest of your lifes together.

[tokyo]

Hey, Anais, I´m so sorry that this has happened to you. I´ve always perceived you as a very strong person and I never thought that you could have had such an ugly experience with your ex-husband. I was inclined to believe that you would rather give him a kick in the ass and leave. Maybe your husband can do this when he sees him next time

[Anais]

Yes LDR is hard. Time was fast and busy, so we survived.

 

 

I´ve always perceived you as a very strong person

I guess one needs to be weak and beaten in high school to become a good pugilist when he/she grews up.