My roommate turned on me

[amkxoxo]

So my college roommate Rosie and I were attached at the hip our first year being best friends immediately. She and I had the same mutual friend group and things were good. We became friend with a girl across the hall named Emily. Rosie didn't do anything school related and barely left our room. While I joined a club and continued to grow as a person. Our second year Rosie and I were close again. In the same school major so everything the same. We moved in with another roommate Lily. Lily and I got really close. Emily was still a neighbor. Lily and I were from the same home town so would I often take trips home together. Rosie didn't like Lily but they stayed cordial.

 

 

Rosie wanted me to join things with her, but when I wasn't interested she would get angry. It was strange. Or one weekend I had a friend from my hometown come out and stay. I was so excited for them to meet. Rosie didn't associate with her at all. She locked herself in her bedroom and we even asked her to come out and hang out with us.

 

 

Emily started dating a guy named Mike. It was a fling for a few months but Mike seemed nice. Suddenly out of no where Emily started saying mike cheated on her and lied to her and he was suddenly with this new girl. They broke up and Emily convinced us he was a horrible guy. I remember asking her "are you sure he did this, it can't be." He seemed too good for that. But a month later he had a girlfriend.

 

 

Fast forward to a year later, year three of college. I start seeing Mike around my complex. We start talking since we knew each other. He helps me with a project and we start flirting and getting closer. His girlfriend had broken up with him and he was hurt, but we started seeing each other. Rosie started noticing. She didn't approve because Emily was our friend, but I didn't see it to be a problem since she had moved on. I told Rosie not to mention it to Emily since it was my business and Mike and I weren't serious anyway. In my head I was going to sit down with Emily and talk to her if he and I decided to become girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

 

Rosie kept making mean comments. She started treating Mike like dirt when he came over. I asked her to her face if she told Emily, she said "no".

 

 

Things started to grow. I found out Rosie was lying to our other roommate Lily trying to convince her that I was lying and I was bad. Mike started telling me about his small tryst with Emily. Emily lied about the whole thing. They were together for like 2 months and he dumped her to start seeing another girl. He said he was cheated on and wouldn't cheat on someone else because he knows how it feels. He dumped Emily and she got mad and accused him of cheating when he was seeing someone else because she was jealous. His story made so much more sense than Emily's. He filled in the cracks. I started to realize that my friend Emily wasn't the nice person I thought she was. She ruined Mike's reputation. She was the liar.

 

 

Mike and I continued to see each other. I found out that Rosie told Emily everything. They talked about it all the time and Emily pumped Rosie for information. And most of the stuff Rosie was telling Emily was lies. Stuff she witnessed or observed between Mike and I that was lies. Spreading rumors about me. Even Lily was manipulated by Rosie's lies. Rosie would see Mike and I interact a lot in our dorm and would tell Emily who did not live with us.

 

 

I was planning a surprise party for Lily for her birthday. I asked Rosie for help. She said ok but never helped with food, money, decorations, anything. Mike helped me. He was so sweet. I cooked and cleaned all day and Rosie did nothing. Rosie invited people behind my back who aren't friends with Lily. I got so mad at her. I even cursed at her. I never do that. Lily then informed me that Rosie told her about the surprise party. Rosie was even trying to convince Lily not to show up to it.

 

 

Rosie acted obnoxious at the party and was telling everyone how she had this big gift planned for Lily the next day. How mean. Emily showed up at our dorm. She stayed briefly. Mike and I didn't want to hurt her so we didn't even touch to stay classy. When Emily left she called Rosie's phone. She wanted to inform us that the cops were outside because of the noise. We all freaked and moved the party to Mike's room. A long while later I found out that it was Emily's way of breaking up the party and the cops weren't outside. How nasty. I wasn't raised that way. I would never even think to do that.

 

 

As time passed Mike and I still dated but after 8 months we had to separate due to lifestyle changes. Rosie didn't know this. The last time he came to see me she was so obnoxious. He and I were in my room cuddling under my blankets talking. Nothing more. She purposely knocked on my door and strolled in looking around to see what we were doing just to tell me she was going to class. My door was closed for a reason. It was rude. She never did this. She was being a jerk. I asked her many times if she lied to me, she said no. A friend of ours finally confessed and sent me facebook messages that included rosie, Emily, and herself. She didn't add anything to them. it was all rosie and Emily. the things they said were nasty and mean and all lies. I don't know why my roommate and my best friend turned on me like this. I finally came forward and told her things I knew. I told her I found them out but didn't tell her how. She denied them all. I told her I had proof. She acted dumb. that night Emily disadded me on facebook. So they clearly talk. Its all stupid. Its all petty. Thank god Lily and I made it through and remain friends. I hate Rosie. Why would she do this to me? Some people have even wondered if she is a Lesbian and she was mad I didn't like her. I don't know. Its been a year and it hurts me everyday how she lied to everyone about me and hurt me over a guy. A guy who was so nice to her. Mike tried to get to know her and was nice to her because he was with me. So pathetic. After I challenged her about knowing what she did and said behind my back and her lying, she acted like I was the one who screwed her and she wouldn't talk to me. Her parents acted rude, if they only knew what their daughter did to me. I hate her.

Edited September 19, 2014 by amkxoxo

[SpiralOut]

That sounds like friend poaching to me.

 

Also I think your ex-roomie was jealous of you.

Edited September 19, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amkxoxo]

friend poaching? could you elaborate that wording more to me?

[SpiralOut]

The term is a nice way of saying friend stealing. If you google it, there are tons of stories posted on the internet from other women who have experienced it.

 

 

I don't know all the details of your situation, so I could be wrong, but I get the impression that your ex-roomie didn't get out much or have many of her own friends. Sounds like most of your friends were people that you yourself went out and met, then introduced to her. If she didn't like you anymore that's fine, but since you introduced her to those people, it wasn't appropriate for her to vent about you to them. She should have vented to a non-mutual friend, someone who had no involvement in the situation. Instead, she played the victim, made things up about you and told them to your friends until one of them turned against you.

 

 

Sounds to me like she didn't have much going on so she just immersed herself in hating you and meddled with your relationships. That's actually sort of sad. Maybe she didn't realize what she was doing. Sometimes people are so unhappy they do stupid things without realizing how much hurt they cause. That doesn't make it okay, but maybe it is easier to forgive her that way....

 

 

Oh and this isn't quite the same thing, but I once had a "friend" who used to talk crap about me to my boyfriend - sometimes when she thought I wasn't there, sometimes when I was right in front of her. I think she wanted to get him on her "side." It was really messed up, I mean it's just not appropriate to do that.

Edited September 20, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amkxoxo]

Oh my gosh. That is it exactly. I am so happy that you understand me. Many people focus on the part of the story where I dated someone my friend dated and call me the bad person, when the problem really erupted from my roommate. I think this act is evil, knowing your doing it or not. Its so hurtful. She was so desperate for a cooler life that and to be that awesome person she ran to this other girl and became her little doll. The whole situation still bothers me everyday. How someone I trusted and lived with could lie to my face and influence others to think I was a bad person. I always and will always have good intentions in everything I do. People describe me as sweet, kind, considerate, and empathetic. I always include other people in my decisions and how they feel. I feel deeply as they do. I was always the friend to be there for every one else. To bring every one together. The shoulder to cry on. The mother. The one who was happy when every one else got what they wanted and I got what I wanted second. For once I did what I wanted first. I wanted this man and I don't regret it. For the time we were together he made me happy. Everyone freaked out when I wasn't around anymore. When I wasn't making plans with them. I didn't see anyone trying to pin my down to make plans like I always do with them. But it was all my fault and my roommate just took the problem and made drama out of it to make herself feel good. Its sick. and it hurt me so deeply that I don't trust anyone. Its sad.

[SpiralOut]

The whole dating your friend's ex thing could have been handled better, I think, by all four of you. The issue is that it should have been three of you, not four of you involved. It was never any of your friend's business. She could have told you that she felt uncomfortable with the situation, or could have said "hey you really hurt her feelings, I think you should go talk to her." Past that she should have stayed out of it. And yes, you're right, it's sick. She sounds like a very unhappy person and you were unlucky enough to be around her at the wrong time.

 

I'm sorry that you feel unable to trust people now. I don't have much advice about that, as I have my own trust issues. I think it's something that starts to come back in time.

 

Looking back on it all, what would you say were red flags?

Edited September 20, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amkxoxo]

I agree it could have been handled better. I had plans on how I was going to handle it to begin with but my evil roommate ruined it all. I wanted to date this guy for a while in private and if I felt things were progressing I was going to sit down with Emily and talk about it with her. Explain how he and I got together and that I would never hurt her or put her in an uncomfortable situation by bringing him around. I wanted to handle the situation like a mature adult, but my roommate made me a crazy person. I knew that there was a chance Emily may not like it and not want to be my friend. I had to face that fact when I fell hard for him, but I think I could have salvaged some of it if Rosie would have stayed out of it. I didn't even tell the guy the brunt of what went on all during this. He knew minimal. He still doesn't know till this day what was going on in my life with the drama of Emily and Rosie. I felt like it wasn't his business it was mine. He didn't do anything wrong, especially to Rosie.

[SpiralOut]

Did you try talking to her anyway? Explaining to her that you didn't mean for her to find out through someone else, that you were planning to tell her yourself, etc.

[amkxoxo]

Yes I did. She and I were talking on social media and she called me out on it. I went right over and knocked on her door to talk to her like a mature adult. I told her I wanted to talk in person. I told her that he and I had been seeing each other and that because it wasn't serious I wasn't going to tell her yet. I told her that I was planning on sitting down to talk to her about it if he and I were getting more serious, which we weren't. I told her that I didn't mean to hurt her and that is why I wasn't bringing him around her because I know she doesn't like him. I asked her if she was okay with it. She told me yes and that "he's all yours". I told her I still wanted to be friends and she told me she was fine with things. But she continued to treat me like crap and talk behind my back. If you have issues say them to my face.

[darkmoon]

i pity emily, she must still like the guy, but you must know this is a minefield or you would not need to consider emily's feelings and how/when to tell her, mature or not, or if you stayed classy by not touching each other under the blankets

 

if she wants to get pissy with you that is up to her, if i were her, i'd go for your next boyfriend, just friendly fun, to feel even or equal to you, yeah, stay classy, i feel sorry for emily

Edited September 23, 2014 by darkmoon

[amkxoxo]

I could understand if Emily had dated him for a year or even 6 months. If they were boyfriend and girlfriend. But it was 2 months casually. She didn't even meet any of his family. She had sex with him right away, thinking she could keep him. When he dumped her, he started seeing someone else months after. He and her became serious. Emily trash talked her and wasn't nice to that girl. She didn't even know that girl, and I' sure that girl had no idea that they used to date. I do not think Emily is a nice person now that I have seen her true colors. Every time he was brought up or seen on campus she would trash talk him, say how much she hated him, and accuse him of things he didn't do. So I figured it wasn't a big deal if he and I got together since she allegedly hated him.

 

 

I was in a class with an enemy of Emily's. He and I were forced to do group work together. We talked for many weeks. He wasn't a bad guy. But Emily hated him because he was the best friend of another one of Emily's ex boyfriends. He told me that all the while she was with Mike, she was texting his friend (her ex) using Mike as a weapon against him. This guy said that she told his buddy that Mike would beat his friend up and she would cause trouble trying to make his friend jealous that she was with Mike. Mike didn't know she was doing this.

 

 

I do think she had strong feelings for Mike, ones that he didn't reciprocate. I don't feel bad for her. She would see Mike on campus and give him dirty looks or nasty comments and spread rumors. She would go to parties on the weekends and get drunk. She would see him and be sitting all over his lap and trying to have him walk her home. He would tell me he would avoid her when she was drunk like that. Have some class. He was coming home to me most nights because I had some integrity. He told me he respected me so much because I didn't spread my legs to a bunch of men.

[SpiralOut]

Yikes. Well I think the red flags were there. She trash talked his new girlfriend even though she didn't know her. She hated her other ex-boyfriend's friend. It's not surprising that she would get pissed at you too. This is a pattern she has.

 

 

I think she didn't like being rejected, then acted jealous of everyone else he let into his life. She was too proud to admit to you how she felt, so she pretended she was okay when she wasn't.

 

 

She has no idea of how to manage her feelings. She's immature. It's a good thing this girl is out of your life now, it's just too bad that it had to happen that way.

Edited September 24, 2014 by SpiralOut

[amkxoxo]

Yes I admit, I will never probably date a friends ex again. There were red flags. She was going to a counselor to deal with being with him and then after he left her. I handled my time with him much better than she did. I got over things on my own. For once, I wasn't thinking about everyone else. I was thinking about myself. I liked him and I don't regret the time he and I had together, though I wished it lasted a bit longer, I wanted him and I went for it without thinking of anyone else but he and I. Maybe I was a bit selfish. I regret not being as there for my friends as I could have been, but there is nothing wrong with being blind in new love. Many of my friends have done it and no one says anything but when I, the loyal always there friend, was missing in action spending my time with a new guy, people freaked out. People claimed they didn't see me anymore, but not one person tried to pin me down to spend time with me on any given night, like I always did with them.

[dispatch3d]

Ah i don't see any problem with dating a friends ex if they've been broken up for 2 years.

 

Those two girl sjust sound like awful people due to their repeated unbelievably ****ty actions over many years. Lieing that the cops are there to break up a party is beyond believable to me. If I even heard someone did that I would defriend them and probably desperately try to get them out of the group as covertly as possible because I just think they are toxic.

 

Also I wouldn't have asked this Rosie girl - whose awful - to help me do anything, including planning a party. I wouldn't of cared she invited people lily or whateve rher name is didn't know, who gives a ****. Her telling lily about the surprise is not surprising considering how terrible this girls overall character is.