Living in twilight.

[FeuFollet]

Three years or so ago, my life went off the rails. My fiancee left me for someone else, I psychologically broke down and couldn't finish school, and I realized that the career track I had planned would not have made me happy.

 

Since then, I've worked on myself. I started writing again, and I discovered that my talent and creativity were not the casualties of war I originally believed them to be. But the truth is... I haven't felt alive since she left me. No, that's not entirely true. I felt more alive when she was in my life - but I haven't felt really alive since the war.

 

I've had lovers, and some of them are now good friends (and some are not, leave it at that). I've changed locations a few times. I've finished a first draft of a novel. But I don't feel like I'm living. I feel like a ghost.

 

I'm just existing. I don't really want anything. I don't really care about the future or the past. I don't really care about anything at all. I have no plans to kill myself right now, but I don't really have any plans to do anything.

 

I don't' want to be like this. Who has advice?

[preraph]

When something big happens to you, it puts things into perspective. Your statement about haven't felt alive since the war makes me think that maybe the war and your fiance leaving you have caused you to numb down and just not feel all your emotions, like a survival mechanism because they are such extreme emotions. I had 10 years like that.

 

I'm glad you are able to write and you should keep doing that. Writing means you are not completely shut down. If you have old things you wrote prior to being with her, prior to everything, you should go back and read those and get a glimpse of yourself as you used to be. That's what brought me back from my 10-year hibernation. For an unrelated reason, I dug out my journals and read them and remembered who I was and reclaimed my power. In a matter of days I was coming back from the dead, so to speak.

 

Other than that, one thing I recommend is for you to make yourself go do some things even when you don't feel like it. The thing I did that did me the most good during that bad time was I volunteered at the zoo. It gave me a complete change of scenery and gave me something positive to talk to my friends about besides my unhappiness. There is always the possibility of meeting someone likeminded when you do volunteer work in something that you are passionate about. Most volunteers are good people.

 

Aside from that, rely on your friends to get you out and meeting people whether you feel up to it or not. Years before my hibernation I was in a dead-end and very confusing and futile relationship with someone who had problems I didn't understand, but one day I met a new man and it was amazing how quickly I switched my love over to him. Not that I completely abandoned the other guy but I was then able to be "just friends" with him where I was unhappy with that before.

 

Go find your bliss. My bliss is being on a river. It takes me back to my most primitive self. I'm sure you have something that does that for you as well, that will give you peace and put you back in touch with your core. Go there. Good luck.