Would YOU believe this?

[locamia]

I was on here over 3 years ago looking for advice on the beginning stages of what turned out to be an unbelievable situation (at least for me), and haven't posted since, but i am on here every night in bed reading. Even though I stopped posting, you all have helped me thru some tough times already reading about your stories and I could use some input. Now that the dust has settled and the shock has - somewhat- worn off.. I am trying to work thru whatever feelings and issues remain. I know 3 years sounds like a long time to not have recovered from the shock and to not have decided whether I can remain married to him but to me it feels like time has almost stood still and I just go through the motions trying to keep the thoughts under control, figure out who my WH really is, and trying to get some warm and fuzzy feelings back for my him…without as much success as I would like L

 

 

So a little backstory...I am 35, WS is 33, been together 15 years and married 13. We have 3 young children. Back then (3yrs ago) I came to LS looking for advice on how to get my libido back and how I lost it. And also problems my H was having with his erections. I'll never forget it...when a member replied to my post saying that my H was cheating on me and losing erections because of guilt. I was so mad and offended. 'My husband would never! We are happy, only unhappy partners cheat right!?' I even told my H what she had said and went off about ‘how dare she!’. Turns out this complete stranger was right on the money. (Thank you!) I cry when I read it now but I had even posted on a thread back then about what u love about your SO and talked about what a great, honest person he was and how happy we were. Ugh. What a dumba**.

 

 

Around this time I decided to check his internet history for the 1st time ever and discovered an out of control obsession with porn. Every chance he got he had been looking at it, sometimes for the entire evening while I was out with the kids (and he was ‘too tired’ to come). Every morning before work or before we all woke up. I was shocked and hurt and assumed this was the cause of his erection problems so I confronted him. He tortured me for the next 7 mos. with denial, at first, then endless empty promises to stop and countless lies every time I caught him at it again. This was gutwrenching because, aside from the porn, which I always knew he looked at just not nearly the extent of it, I was also realizing that my H was capable of lying to my face, which I had never known him to be.

 

 

At this point my suspicions are overcoming me and I sent him a text to come clean and whatever is going on with him I could handle, still thinking it had to do with porn/internet. He came home that day and told me he had been unfaithful to me. I was blindsided and completely crushed. This man was my 1st love, my first and only sexual partner, my husband of 10 years (at the time...now its 13) and father of my 3 children. He spent the next 3 mos. trickle truthing me with endless lies and denials about the extent of it. It doesn’t make sense because I was clueless until he came home and told me this, but then why only tell me part of it? What I now know is that he has been either cheating, or atleast a sexual deviant, as far back as before we were even married. It has been scattered, not regular, but basically 2 failed attempts to get BJs from girls he worked with, 2 successful BJs while giving a different girl a ride home from work while I was pregnant with out 1st, frequenting strip clubs staring around my 2nd pregnancy and continuing off and on for about 4 or 5 yrs, and 3 more BJs from strippers at these clubs. Obviously I still wonder on a regular basis if theres more but this is the extent of what I have gotten out of him, and it has not changed in over 2 yrs.

 

 

Does this sound possible? Can someone be a sexual addict and deviant for the entire length of our relationship but never progress to sleeping around? There was definitely a progression with the porn and with the strip club frequency and the eventual infidelities there, but am I an idiot to believe he never actually had intercourse? He swears no. He had 1 girl offer sex (this is the girl he accepted 2 BJs from), and a different girl beg because she was intent on using him to get back at her own cheating H. He says that sex was always too personal for him and he couldn’t sink to that level. Also that every time a girl would offer sex he immediately thought of me and the kids and immediately snapped out of the compulsive ‘trance’ he was in.

 

 

Part of me wants to believe this because 1. This story hasn’t changed in over 2 years. 2. He doesn’t have any friends, doesn’t go anywhere but work without me, and has worked with all men for the last 10 years so unless he was sleeping with strippers the only opportunities he would have had would’ve been over 10 yrs ago at his last job, around the time the 1st two BJs took place. 3. He only had 2 sexual partners before me and both were serious girlfriends. He also, being that I was a virgin when we met, waited very patiently for 8 months before I slept with him and was nothing but respectful in intimate situations. 4. I was told by a family member that his father once made a comment to him along the lines of ‘eatin aint cheatin’. He was an adolescent at the time. Maybe this stuck? 5. I honestly don’t know but can a guy actually even pay for SEX in the back room of a strip club? 6.Call me naive, but I just really wanna believe he drew the line somewhereJ

 

 

The part of it that doesn’t add up to me is that, (besides the fact that there could’ve been other girls that he completely left out) the story he told me about the girl he worked with is that they began flirting and then making out at work and then he gave her a ride home and she said they should have sex. He says that he already knew she was allergic to condoms so he got out of it by telling her he couldn’t sleep with her without a condom, and asked for a BJ instead. But then he gave her a ride again soon after and she started giving him a BJ again but then stopped in the middle of it and said she couldn’t go thru with it because she felt too bad..she knew me and said I was really nice and knew we were married and just had a baby. He never gave her a ride again. Does this sound believable? How did she go from asking to have sex with him to stopping in the middle of a BJ? They were pretty young and immature so maybe the sex talk was more innocent flirting/the idea of it was exciting, but neither would actually go thru with it? There was also a different girl he worked with around that time that begged him all the time to sleep with her to get back at her cheating H but he said no and he would ask for a BJ instead. She refused.

 

 

So my question is: Am I stupid to believe he never slept with anyone else? I just wanted another perspective on his story in case I am just being naïve believing it. Since the wondering has never gone away I have considered a polygraph or trying to track down the girl from work but I feel like it would be like ripping old wounds wide open again unnecessarily if nothing comes of it. But I just feel like I will always wonder and I will be crushed if we move past this and then I find out years later he really did. I just want to add that I get he is a dishonest cheater either way but yes, to me, there is a difference and it does matter! These girls all meant nothing to him, they could’ve been anybody that came along, so finding out he had an ongoing affair involving sex AND feelings would be a whole different animal for me.

 

 

Thanks so much for reading this and for any help you can offer me.

[TrustedthenBusted]

He's full of ****.

[No Limit]

No. Even if I were blind and deaf I wouldn't believe it.

[CarrieT]

Not only do I not believe it, I would be at a lawyer's office immediately investigating divorce options for years of deceit and trauma.

 

OP, get yourself checked for STDs immediately.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I just ran a Google search on " Men who have turned down casual sex"

 

I got back. Error 404 - Page not Found.

[oldshirt]

He sounds kind of creepy and sleezy, I could believe that no women screwed him.

 

However I can't believe he hasn't given it an honest try.

 

If there was any turning down sex going on, it was them rejecting him. Not the other way around.

[HermioneG]

Not a chance in the world is that story true. He's lying .

[HereNorThere]

If he didn't, it wasn't for lack of trying.

[beach]

I don't believe him.

 

Also, he's had you wondering for 3 years! And he just continued to lie to you too, about the porn.

 

He participated by cheating. He's a known liar.

 

Nothing about those qualities in any man could make me stay married to him.

 

He has no respect for you and he lacks integrity.

 

How can we help you?

 

 

It's not really about him at this point, it's obvious he's sleezy and you've stayed - but why?

 

What would he really have to do for you to leave him? It looks incredibly bad - and you deserve better.

 

What do you think is supposed to happen? Do you think you deserve better than a liar and a cheater? Why are you waiting years to stand up for yourself?

 

 

Finding out any new info wouldn't change the fact that he's a big jerk. And stop believing it didn't mean anything to him. Even a bj is sex. He has you desperate to believe him. Even a bj means a LOT to any man! Stop believing his lies.

Edited September 20, 2014 by beach

[jackslife]

I just ran a Google search on " Men who have turned down casual sex"

 

I got back. Error 404 - Page not Found.

 

Sorry OP I know you are having a rough time, but this post really made me laugh out loud!

[jackslife]

Serious answer now. Yes I think he'd lying. A bit of drip-driping the truth. It's all so sleazy. What does he do, endless make passes at women until one goes down on him.

 

Not nice.

[merrmeade]

Does this sound possible? Can someone be a sexual addict and deviant for the entire length of our relationship but never progress to sleeping around? There was definitely a progression with the porn and with the strip club frequency and the eventual infidelities there, but am I an idiot to believe he never actually had intercourse? He swears no. He had 1 girl offer sex (this is the girl he accepted 2 BJs from), and a different girl beg because she was intent on using him to get back at her own cheating H. He says that sex was always too personal for him and he couldn’t sink to that level. Also that every time a girl would offer sex he immediately thought of me and the kids and immediately snapped out of the compulsive ‘trance’ he was in.

 

So my question is: Am I stupid to believe he never slept with anyone else? I just wanted another perspective on his story in case I am just being naïve believing it. Since the wondering has never gone away I have considered a polygraph or trying to track down the girl from work but I feel like it would be like ripping old wounds wide open again unnecessarily if nothing comes of it. But I just feel like I will always wonder and I will be crushed if we move past this and then I find out years later he really did. I just want to add that I get he is a dishonest cheater either way but yes, to me, there is a difference and it does matter! These girls all meant nothing to him, they could’ve been anybody that came along, so finding out he had an ongoing affair involving sex AND feelings would be a whole different animal for me..

 

I'm in MC finally and we will deal with a different set of circumstances but similar issues. You both need to learn about sexual addiction and realize that the compartmentalizing is just another form of lying and denial. He has an enormous problem and needs help. But does he want help? What they tend to do is hide it - or think they're hiding it with the porn. I'm still working on how to deal with this aspect. Looking at my H's browsing history, I've discovered he looks at high-brow pornographic photography - and this is since we started MC, R and all the trauma of recent discoveries.

 

A couple of things happen with these guys. First, just remember Clinton every time you go here. It doesn't really matter whether it was just a BJ or intercourse. If it was "just a BJ," they lie to themselves that it's less betrayal. If it wasn't, they lie to you that it was to get out of the hot seat. And as long as it's about you and not them, your pain and the marriage or kids, they are capable of any level of psychological complexity to make you believe they understand and know what they did was wrong. But that doesn't mean they don't still have a problem. Addressing the problem, owning it, understanding it and treating it - that's where they have to go and that requires the mind-set of an addict who can call himself that and admit that he is powerless to help himself. I don't know if my H can do it, but I know that's what it will take.

 

I think that's where you want to focus to get the best, fastest help you can. Not on the details of what is or isn't true. You have a package deal here and it's bigger than the details. The lying is just another detail that you assume.

[merrmeade]

Oops, posted twice. William, where are you?! I did alert him...

Edited September 20, 2014 by merrmeade

[goodyblue]

I would be more offended about oral sex. It is so much more intimate imo.

[merrmeade]

I would be more offended about oral sex. It is so much more intimate imo.

 

Well, hell, it all sucks - no pun intended.

[jellybean89]

OP, doesn't matter if we believe it or not...what is YOUR gut telling you? Can you have a marriage with him, if it was just oral? This stuff happened how long ago? How has marriage been since you found out? Most importantly, are you happy in your life? Can you focus on here and now, and not the past?

 

I have no idea if he is lying...going forward, I would let him know that to you, oral IS cheating. If you chose to move past this, ensure you and he are on the same page - what is and what is t acceptable. I would also get STD tested.

 

I hope you can decide what is best for YOU and your family.

[Lamplight]

He is definitely lying. How many women do you know offer bj's without expecting anything in return? He is a deviant for sure. He is giving you the classic excuse that the women just throw themselves at him. Bet it's the other way around. Dig deeper and I'll bet that you find secret email accounts, adult friend finder ads, Ashely Madison ads and many more. This guy is not worth the time and effort. Get out before he gives you a really bad disease and definitely keep the kids away from him. I bet in public he acts like the perfect husband and father to boot. Sorry to be so harsh but men like this are just bad people and can't be fixed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Does this sound possible? Can someone be a sexual addict and deviant for the entire length of our relationship but never progress to sleeping around? There was definitely a progression with the porn and with the strip club frequency and the eventual infidelities there, but am I an idiot to believe he never actually had intercourse? He swears no. He had 1 girl offer sex (this is the girl he accepted 2 BJs from), and a different girl beg because she was intent on using him to get back at her own cheating H. He says that sex was always too personal for him and he couldn’t sink to that level. Also that every time a girl would offer sex he immediately thought of me and the kids and immediately snapped out of the compulsive ‘trance’ he was in.

I'm trying to understand why this distinction is important to you? Didn't he cheat on you the moment sexual contact started, regardless of oral or intercourse?

 

What do you think your husband's reaction would be if you told him you were involved with someone else but it didn't go far, you "only" gave him a blow job ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Oberfeldwebel]

I hope when he told you this story, he started it with "once upon a time". Isn't that how you are suppose to start a fairy-tale? I could have accepted the fact that he didn't have sex with them, but the part about he couldn't do it because he was thinking of you and the kids. If he was thinking of you and the kids, he wouldn't be doing any of this stuff.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I will second what everyone else has already said. He is full of $hit and if he hasn't had sex with other women it is not for lack of trying, but rather because of how hungry/creepy/desperate he comes across.

 

You and your kids deserve better - honestly he sounds beyond "fixing" - and he probably doesn't even want to be fixed.

 

Side note OP: years ago I had a serious boyfriend who - after years of preaching about the evils of drugs - decided to start using hard drugs behind my back. When I posted online about his subsequent weird behavior strangers on the interweb set me straight. What the hell do they know, I thought. Yep they were right.

[locamia]

Wow its pretty unanimous. Thanks all for the replies. Obviously part of me agrees with all of you otherwise I wouldn't be on here asking. Its hard to figure out what I feel and why. But the thought I just cant shake after all this time is reconciling and then years down the road finding out he slept around. I guess some don't see the distinction, cheating is cheating, and I agree, but for me, living with this, it just doesn't feel so cut and dry. I don't think its necessarily because as far as cheating goes, sex would be any worse of a betrayal than oral sex. Its all in the same category for me also. But the knowledge that him 'coming clean' was really just more lies would kill me. That he could go through years of R while still lying. It would all feel so pointless. That would be pure, coldhearted manipulation and just so much more ****ty than the initial betrayal.

 

 

 

 

I don't believe him.

 

Also, he's had you wondering for 3 years! And he just continued to lie to you too, about the porn.

 

He participated by cheating. He's a known liar.

 

Nothing about those qualities in any man could make me stay married to him.

 

He has no respect for you and he lacks integrity.

 

How can we help you?

 

 

It's not really about him at this point, it's obvious he's sleezy and you've stayed - but why?

 

What would he really have to do for you to leave him? It looks incredibly bad - and you deserve better.

 

What do you think is supposed to happen? Do you think you deserve better than a liar and a cheater? Why are you waiting years to stand up for yourself?

 

 

Finding out any new info wouldn't change the fact that he's a big jerk. And stop believing it didn't mean anything to him. Even a bj is sex. He has you desperate to believe him. Even a bj means a LOT to any man! Stop believing his lies.

 

 

I agree. Believe me when I say staying married to him goes against everything I've ever believed in. And here I am, trying to find a way to do right by myself. I know I deserve so much better, and can do so much better. I have been told by many friends and acquaintances that I am the girl that guys wanna marry AND f**k. But I have 3 children and a 15 year history with this particular guy. I guess I stay because he came clean on his own, I was completely clueless and would've continued to be. And he's made many changes in the type of person he is, I see them daily. I just can't look at my kids faces and know that I didn't try my best. I was reading an article on divorce recently and it listed as one of the ways you know its timeis when you picture a life without them. I don't like to picture that at all.

 

 

For me to leave him it would probably be because he cheated again, he could not figure out how to be an honest person, or possibly because he left out the part about sleeping with other people and continued the lie the last 3 yrs. That's the one I'm trying to figure out now. I know the BJs meant something to him. To me it does make a difference though that the girls didn't, even if the BJs did. I don't think he cared much about a trashy stripper that only did it cuz he paid her to. To me it reeks of desperation. Someone that has a problem/compulsion they THINK they cant control and is looking for a fix.

 

 

I guess at this point I just need help deciding whether it's worth digging up the past and going ahead with a polygraph/phone call to the OW. If nothing else wouldn't it prove his sincerity NOW?

 

I'm in MC finally and we will deal with a different set of circumstances but similar issues. You both need to learn about sexual addiction and realize that the compartmentalizing is just another form of lying and denial. He has an enormous problem and needs help. But does he want help? What they tend to do is hide it - or think they're hiding it with the porn. I'm still working on how to deal with this aspect. Looking at my H's browsing history, I've discovered he looks at high-brow pornographic photography - and this is since we started MC, R and all the trauma of recent discoveries.

 

A couple of things happen with these guys. First, just remember Clinton every time you go here. It doesn't really matter whether it was just a BJ or intercourse. If it was "just a BJ," they lie to themselves that it's less betrayal. If it wasn't, they lie to you that it was to get out of the hot seat. And as long as it's about you and not them, your pain and the marriage or kids, they are capable of any level of psychological complexity to make you believe they understand and know what they did was wrong. But that doesn't mean they don't still have a problem. Addressing the problem, owning it, understanding it and treating it - that's where they have to go and that requires the mind-set of an addict who can call himself that and admit that he is powerless to help himself. I don't know if my H can do it, but I know that's what it will take.

 

I think that's where you want to focus to get the best, fastest help you can. Not on the details of what is or isn't true. You have a package deal here and it's bigger than the details. The lying is just another detail that you assume.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you are going thru similar issues. We did a year of a pretty intense and very eye-opening sex addiction recovery workshop, as well as countless books. I try not to get into the addiction aspect on here because I know most people just see it as an excuse for their behavior, unless they have been through it. I have never seen this aspect of his issues as an excuse and neither does he. We too have had issues with porn since DDay. 2 years after DDay he began looking at it on his phone for 2 months and lied about it until I caught him. That was a huge blow to any trust I had left and I still haven't recovered. I'm still figuring out how to deal with this aspect myself. Also just not knowing whether it's realistic in todays society to expect he never look at it again. Even though I know its all one and of the same. Hell he literally said to me after DDay 'I decided to go to strip clubs because it was just porn in real life'!

 

 

You are dead on with their mentality. I don't know if mine can do it either. He did in the beginning but his pride eventually got in the way. He got complacent, stopped working the recovery lessons, and was convinced he had in under control. The urges came back, he wasn't prepared so he gave in, and then the same 'ol justifications and rationalizations followed. This crap might eventually be the death of us because with addiction comes lies. If they haven't learned not to lie to us and to themselves when the urge returns, nothing will ever change.

 

 

He has also told me he turned down sex both times beacause it was 'all he had left that was just ours'. I took that as..you convinced yourself you were still a decent H because it was 'just oral.' It's really unbelievable the bullcrap they feed themselves.

 

 

 

 

OP, doesn't matter if we believe it or not...what is YOUR gut telling you? Can you have a marriage with him, if it was just oral? This stuff happened how long ago? How has marriage been since you found out? Most importantly, are you happy in your life? Can you focus on here and now, and not the past?

 

I have no idea if he is lying...going forward, I would let him know that to you, oral IS cheating. If you chose to move past this, ensure you and he are on the same page - what is and what is t acceptable. I would also get STD tested.

 

I hope you can decide what is best for YOU and your family.

 

I really don't know what my gut is telling me. Is the fact that this question is still nagging at me 3 yrs later a sign that my gut doesn't believe it? I want to believe it and part of me thinks it was his way of rationalizing that oral wasn't as bad. If that the case and I had a crystal ball telling me theres nothing more, I think we could get past it. But I need to know. I know many cant see it this way but if I pretend for one split second that this as all true...I have a man with a compulsion/obsession/addiction that began way before I met him, and in a 12 year period, while I was completely clueless and never asked questions, that got 5 BJs. THIS IS NOT OK! But some small part of me thinks about how much worse it could have been if he wanted it to be.

 

 

The initial 2 BJs happened 11 years ago (8 years before DDay) and the 3 at strip clubs between 5 and 8 years ago. The marriage has been ok since,

but I am still so crushed by the whole thing that I could never say I've been 'happy'. I guess the big question is would I be happier without him. He was my 1st sexual experience and my 1st love and its all been so cheapened by all this. Its so hard to not see the whole thing as a lie. He has made many changes as a person but the addiction aspect will probably always be an ongoing problem. That is a part of the here and now, and brings with it shame and therefore lies.

 

 

I was tested for STDs then week after DDay and was negative. He was never tested.

 

 

 

 

I'm trying to understand why this distinction is important to you? Didn't he cheat on you the moment sexual contact started, regardless of oral or intercourse?

 

What do you think your husband's reaction would be if you told him you were involved with someone else but it didn't go far, you "only" gave him a blow job ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I think my replies above explain this as best I can. Please understand that it sure as hell doesn't feel like 'only oral'. It just means, whether it counts for much or not, he showed some semblance of restraint, even with opportunity, even if it was only so he could feel right by himself about it all. The continued lies would be the distinction. If he told me 3 years ago he had slept around, I wouldn't be on here today asking if this all sounds believable.

 

I hope when he told you this story, he started it with "once upon a time". Isn't that how you are suppose to start a fairy-tale? I could have accepted the fact that he didn't have sex with them, but the part about he couldn't do it because he was thinking of you and the kids. If he was thinking of you and the kids, he wouldn't be doing any of this stuff.

 

So true. Makes me want to slap him and tell him hes full of it. Why only think of us then? I guess cuz he had already convinced his twisted a** brain by the time it got to that point that oral was ok. Unbelievable.

[Mr. Lucky]

The initial 2 BJs happened 11 years ago (8 years before DDay) and the 3 at strip clubs between 5 and 8 years ago.

That you have to lay out his cheating on a timeline to keep track of it over the span of a decade should tell you all you need to know. Not sure how old you are but how much more of your life are you willing to invest is this?

 

Keeping one eye open, wondering where he is and what he's doing, waiting for the other shoe to fall - sounds exhausting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Temporarilyinsane]

Does it matter? He received bj's, and lied for years. Is that not enough? Maybe he did and maybe he didn't but don't fool yourself by thinking he didn't have access, hookers are easy to find and with his porn addiction and deviant sexual needs it's likely he would be the type to frequent them. Go talk to a divorce attorney and get tested, I know it hurts and it's incomprehensible to think someone you love could do this to you but he has. So your next move is to take care of you and your kids or accept his behavior and ignore it.

[merrmeade]

Wow its pretty unanimous. Thanks all for the replies. Obviously part of me agrees with all of you otherwise I wouldn't be on here asking. Its hard to figure out what I feel and why.

...

I know the BJs meant something to him. To me it does make a difference though that the girls didn't, even if the BJs did. I don't think he cared much about a trashy stripper that only did it cuz he paid her to. To me it reeks of desperation. Someone that has a problem/compulsion they THINK they cant control and is looking for a fix.

 

I guess at this point I just need help deciding whether it's worth digging up the past and going ahead with a polygraph/phone call to the OW. If nothing else wouldn't it prove his sincerity NOW?

...

We did a year of a pretty intense and very eye-opening sex addiction recovery workshop, as well as countless books. I try not to get into the addiction aspect on here because I know most people just see it as an excuse for their behavior, unless they have been through it. I have never seen this aspect of his issues as an excuse and neither does he. We too have had issues with porn since DDay. 2 years after DDay he began looking at it on his phone for 2 months and lied about it until I caught him. That was a huge blow to any trust I had left and I still haven't recovered. I'm still figuring out how to deal with this aspect myself. Also just not knowing whether it's realistic in todays society to expect he never look at it again. Even though I know its all one and of the same. Hell he literally said to me after DDay 'I decided to go to strip clubs because it was just porn in real life'!

 

You are dead on with their mentality. I don't know if mine can do it either. He did in the beginning but his pride eventually got in the way. He got complacent, stopped working the recovery lessons, and was convinced he had in under control. The urges came back, he wasn't prepared so he gave in, and then the same 'ol justifications and rationalizations followed. This crap might eventually be the death of us because with addiction comes lies. If they haven't learned not to lie to us and to themselves when the urge returns, nothing will ever change.

...

He has also told me he turned down sex both times beacause it was 'all he had left that was just ours'. I took that as..you convinced yourself you were still a decent H because it was 'just oral.' It's really unbelievable the bullcrap they feed themselves.

 

I really don't know what my gut is telling me. Is the fact that this question is still nagging at me 3 yrs later a sign that my gut doesn't believe it? I want to believe it and part of me thinks it was his way of rationalizing that oral wasn't as bad. If that the case and I had a crystal ball telling me theres nothing more, I think we could get past it. But I need to know. I know many cant see it this way but if I pretend for one split second that this as all true...I have a man with a compulsion/obsession/addiction that began way before I met him, and in a 12 year period, while I was completely clueless and never asked questions, that got 5 BJs. THIS IS NOT OK! But some small part of me thinks about how much worse it could have been if he wanted it to be.

 

The initial 2 BJs happened 11 years ago (8 years before DDay) and the 3 at strip clubs between 5 and 8 years ago. The marriage has been ok since,

but I am still so crushed by the whole thing that I could never say I've been 'happy'. I guess the big question is would I be happier without him. He was my 1st sexual experience and my 1st love and its all been so cheapened by all this. Its so hard to not see the whole thing as a lie. He has made many changes as a person but the addiction aspect will probably always be an ongoing problem. That is a part of the here and now, and brings with it shame and therefore lies.

 

I was tested for STDs then week after DDay and was negative. He was never tested.

 

...

I think my replies above explain this as best I can. Please understand that it sure as hell doesn't feel like 'only oral'. It just means, whether it counts for much or not, he showed some semblance of restraint, even with opportunity, even if it was only so he could feel right by himself about it all. The continued lies would be the distinction. If he told me 3 years ago he had slept around, I wouldn't be on here today asking if this all sounds believable.

 

So true. Makes me want to slap him and tell him hes full of it. Why only think of us then? I guess cuz he had already convinced his twisted a** brain by the time it got to that point that oral was ok. Unbelievable.

 

I think sadly that, considering the addictive sex issues, WH is telling you the truth - but it's not a good thing or any easier for you. All the things you're saying about his wanting to believe that he's really a decent person and is faithful to you b/c he "only" had oral sex, is part of the package. I don't think that everyone who TTs, starting with "it was just oral sex" falls into this package, but I'm pretty sure about your thread and my experience.

 

Out of one cesspool and into another, right? Anyway, I'd just like to say for your sake that I think it would really help you to know what you're dealing with once and for all. And taking my word for it isn't enough. I'd say go for that polygraph, so you can get to whatever your decisions really need to be. It's just too fuzzy right now for you to get clarity which cesspool you're in.

 

I agree with you it would be the worst to realize years down the road that he was actually lying and there was more than just a bj. But in that case, you really would have no qualms with up and leaving, right? That amount of lying and time just could not be fixed. Even as it is, I'm wondering if I have enough quality life left to be wasted on bringing my cro-magnon spouse into the realm of rewarding relationships. If I discover he's still got a closet and still hiding skeletons in it, well, that would be the clincher. Thing is; I'm SURE he knows it by now AND knows that I am a world-class closet sniffer.

 

No, I don't worry about closets any more. Just the fact that I have this emotional thug linked to me who hasn't a clue or impulse how to deal with the ****storm he produced. And cleanup isn't producing the humanitarian rewards anticipated, that's for sure. Sorry for all the mixed metaphors - just saying it's hard enough dealing with the reality. So if you can't be satisfied with what you've been told, just go for whatever gives you the truth now, so you can decide what next.

Edited October 10, 2014 by merrmeade