Day One...

[Day.One]

Today will be the 1st day of our separation. After 24 years, my Wife has chosen to move out. Although she doesn't actually move out until tomorrow, i'm staying at my folks house tonight and tomorrow to give her the space to move.

 

I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.

 

We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.

 

As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.

 

I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.

 

I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.

 

So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.

 

I start counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).

 

It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.

 

I've read the '180' and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i won't be helping her move, i'll be out of the house for the day. I did get her boxes from work to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. I don't sleep in that bed anymore anyway. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.

 

I did let her know that this morning i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. Not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.

 

But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.

 

The last thing i did before going to bed last night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Glad you are taking steps to recover from the shock and longings since she moved out.

 

Once you recover, always hold on to what caused things to sour and dissolve. Those things are important, as if you continue to ignore them, your next relationship will suffer.

 

On the plus side, being older and having years of experience, your next mate will be as well. So having an exchange of wants and needs will be easier to point out. As with years of experience from relationship(s) long gone, the importance of dating is not in the material.

[Day.One]

Friday night was tough. Stayed at my folks place as arranged. Drank a little too much 'liquid numbing agent' (which is rare as I don't drink to excess as a rule).

 

Then as I was about to turn off the radio, they played Air Supply - I'm all out of love. Yeah, I lost it. I think (now, in the light of day) it was a good thing. It opened the floodgates and allowed me to release a lot of the emotion I've held back over the last few days.

 

Woke up Saturday morning (at 3:30am :) with a renewed resolve, to not be beaten by this. So as soon as it got light, I was out doing my folks yard work, cutting firewood (but not using the chainsaw, that might end badly. Due to distraction, not depression!) and walking the dogs.

 

Giving myself no time to stop, think and beat myself up.

 

Received a text from the Wife letting me know she'd completed the move out, but that my Son's fiance would be 'doing something' (?) at the house, so not to go back for another 2 hours. Let her know that was not acceptable, they'd had enough time to move and asking me to stay away longer for someone else was crossing the clear boundary we had agreed on. She agreed and the son's fiance left.

 

Went home later, after they'd gone, Checked there weren't any undiscussed issues from the move, there weren't. But she has still left quite a bit of stuff in her dresser drawers. Do i tell her to get it all out? And give her a deadline? So had some dinner, started reading "No more Mr nice guy" and got accustomed to the silence.

 

Got up (after the most restful nights sleep i've had in weeks?), had breakfast while making today's 'to do' list, and got to work.

 

Determined to focus on the 'now' and how i can make it better.

[Mr. Lucky]

But she has still left quite a bit of stuff in her dresser drawers. Do i tell her to get it all out? And give her a deadline?

Since you guys are doing this amicably, I'd simply pack it up and set it aside. Who knows what the future holds? No need to make an issue out of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Day.One]

Had first individual counseling session this morning. Spend an hour offloading, and i think perhaps overwhelmed the therapist with a long list of things to work through!

 

After that, went to work but my head is total swiss cheese after the session. A load of stuff got spilled out and it's lying all over the floor of my brain.

 

Which is when of course the 'no contact please' Wife emails to thank me for the moving boxes i got her, and when would be a good time to pick up her bicycle (she rides to/from work)?

 

Contact less than 36 hours after moving out?!?! Going to have to clarify the no contact boundaries to her i think.

 

Edit: Now done.

 

There seems to be several items you have left behind, in the dressers drawers. I haven’t nosed through it all out of respect for privacy, but did notice things like jamas, jewellery and shoes. If there is anything you need that you have left behind, let me know by the end of today and I will put it next to your bike.

 

After that I would request you honour our agreement not to contact each other for a while.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Day.One

[Day.One]

Drove up to the house this evening, and of course the Wife was still hanging around after getting her bike and a few other bits and trying to drag it all down the street. I drove past her, parked in my spot and just sat in the car, waiting. (anyway there was some good jazz playing on the radio! )

 

Eventually she got the idea i wasn't going to get out and go back to say hi, or offer to help her move all the crap she was hauling by hand. Which is what i would have done in times gone by.

[Day.One]

Having a hard time this evening. Trying to resist the desire to walk by her apartment and see how she's doing...

[ComingInHot]

Day.One, I can sense your emotion with every post. I want you to know that I am NOT sorry for you but I am sad With you. Endings are hard. New beginnings may be just as hard.

If you have ever been accused by your spouse for not communicating, offer this to her now* Tell her what your expectations are going forward. If this is a trial separation, tell her when you'll be contacting her regarding the separation. Be open to hear her on this as well but come to a decision. Put it in your calendar. Remind her if necessary. Be kind and firm. Cry when you need. Throw something when you need to. Punch and kick when you need to. ...as one poster I know has do e, feel free to light something on fire if you need to make something burn**

 

Put together next week's schedule and fill tbat calendar. Visit LS late at night when the urge to contact her grows strong. Help others on LS regarding stuff you know about*

....

work on your Jeeps.

[ComingInHot]

If your jeeps run fine, name them. They've earned names*

[Day.One]

Day.One, I can sense your emotion with every post. I want you to know that I am NOT sorry for you but I am sad With you. Endings are hard. New beginnings may be just as hard.

If you have ever been accused by your spouse for not communicating, offer this to her now* Tell her what your expectations are going forward. If this is a trial separation, tell her when you'll be contacting her regarding the separation. Be open to hear her on this as well but come to a decision. Put it in your calendar. Remind her if necessary. Be kind and firm. Cry when you need. Throw something when you need to. Punch and kick when you need to. ...as one poster I know has done, feel free to light something on fire if you need to make something burn**

 

Put together next week's schedule and fill that calendar. Visit LS late at night when the urge to contact her grows strong. Help others on LS regarding stuff you know about*

....

work on your Jeeps.

 

Thanks for that. I get the 'not sorry for you', i've equally caused us where we are (or aren't) now.

 

As far as reaching out. She's the one that moved out and wanted space, with no contact. (then broke it less than 36 hours later... ). When she's ready to work it out, i'll be there. I'm going with a slightly diluted 180 plan, getting myself worked on before i try any form of reconciliation. This includes:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls

 

The 180 will allow me to move on with my life, while still leaving a door open (figuratively), if she chooses to walk back through it. I'm also working on NMMNG, as i think that has been a large part of the problem.

 

I'm all about the schedules currently. Working through a list of things that need to be done to the house, and a rota to keep on top of keeping the house clean and in shape. These keep me focused, motivated and too busy to spend time moping around. Just had a 'slip' this evening and let my mind wander. But i've already got these thoughts boxed up and locked down again.

 

And i just came in from the firepit i sit by!

[Day.One]

If your jeeps run fine, name them. They've earned names*

 

The SJ is called Freddie. (cause it's a freaking nightmare!) But that's a conversation for another thread.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Day.One

[ComingInHot]

Thanks for that. I get the 'not sorry for you', i've equally caused us where we are (or aren't) now.

 

As far as reaching out. She's the one that moved out and wanted space, with no contact. (then broke it less than 36 hours later... ). When she's ready to work it out, i'll be there. I'm going with a slightly diluted 180 plan, getting myself worked on before i try any form of reconciliation. This includes:

 

 

 

The 180 will allow me to move on with my life, while still leaving a door open (figuratively), if she chooses to walk back through it. I'm also working on NMMNG, as i think that has been a large part of the problem.

 

I'm all about the schedules currently. Working through a list of things that need to be done to the house, and a rota to keep on top of keeping the house clean and in shape. These keep me focused, motivated and too busy to spend time moping around. Just had a 'slip' this evening and let my mind wander. But i've already got these thoughts boxed up and locked down again.

 

And i just came in from the firepit i sit by!

 

So, you're considering this separation a marital reboot then? I hope you DO take this time to learn yourself better to be better for Your Wife. You Both deserve that*

 

We burned last night after a fun night out* Nothing better than a 2am smore with friends

[Day.One]

So, you're considering this separation a marital reboot then? I hope you DO take this time to learn yourself better to be better for Your Wife. You Both deserve that*

 

We burned last night after a fun night out* Nothing better than a 2am smore with friends

 

 

I'm considering this a chance to stop and think, work on myself, get my head together. And THEN see if there's anything left for us. If she likes the man i come back as, there will a future, but i won't be the one she left.

 

And yes, i do enjoy the firepit. I'm an outdoors type of person anyway, so i prefer an evening outside by the fire. Preferably with a beer and some JD.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Day.One

[ComingInHot]

I'm considering this a chance to stop and think, work on myself, get my head together. And THEN see if there's anything left for us. If she likes the man i come back as, there will a future, but i won't be the one she left.

 

And yes, i do enjoy the firepit. I'm an outdoors type of person anyway, so i prefer an evening outside by the fire. Preferably with a beer and some JD.

 

 

So, reconnect with good friends that have their sh$t together and fire it up!! You're doing good things here so far. Healthy things. Except for the JD... My Dad and stbx are Cptn/coke men as are a-lot of my friends. I wish I drank beer, but that's another story*

[Day.One]

It would appear that she finally (days later) noticed i 'unfriended' her on FB. Which is a FB term, not a reflection on how i feel!

 

I did this as part of the No Contact. I'm fairly active on FB and leaving her access to my wall would be like leaving the curtains open at the house in the evening, allowing her to peek into my life.

 

So i closed that 'curtain'. So she's gone one step higher and blocked me.

 

Hey ho. When she is ready (and re-opens communication), i'll explain my reasons. Wonder if she'll accept them. I imagine she's a little pissed about it right now though.

[TheBladeRunner]

Good call un-friending her OP, I was a fool for months and witnessed what the XW was doing with OM, my kid, all that. It used to drive me nuts.

[Day.One]

She's not active on FB, it's more to do with space. If she has (finally) noticed that i unfriended her, it's because she was trying to look at my wall. Peeking into my space.

 

 

Boundaries.

 

 

 

Edit: Disregard the above.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Day.One

[Day.One]

Rough time this evening. Checking the finances and realise that only having a single income is going to be way tighter than I originally thought.

 

Not panicking yet, still have some resources, but there be belt tightening ahead.

 

Causing another sleepless night. :-/

[Day.One]

Haven't updated for a while. Still separated, still working hard at focusing on me. Counselling and self help is paying off, even though it involves having to take a long, hard look at my past (abuse, bullying, and abandonment) and how it has affected my life and relationships, especially with her.

 

Going No Contact came back to bite us as we both failed to communicate properly over some bank account details which caused anger and required a face to face to discuss (Meeting #1). I'd cancelled all her Direct Debits before they drained whats left in what was 'our' account, without telling her, after asking her for while to take care of it. But she'd already put money aside to cover any losses before she moved the direct debits to her new account, but hadn't told me.

Which, eventually, was resolved, amicably. We agreed that we had both caused the problem and resolved to communicate better over matters like that.

 

Which brought us on to the 'why' she left.

 

She felt that she could no longer deal with my anger, frustration, controlling ahole attitude. It had sucked the life out of her to the point where she felt invisible and worthless. And i see where's she's coming from with that.

 

I had gotten into a cycle of setting unrealistic expectations, goals, not having them met, getting pissed off, and turning that anger into setting more unrealistic expectations, which wouldn't be met.....

 

For instance, her weight. She's been overweight since kid #1, never really lost it. Until she went to weightwatchers and lost a LOT of the weight, looked really good, and more importantly, FELT good. Right after that she lost her job, and couldn't find another one for over 6 months. She's never been in that situation before and it really depressed her. the weight came back on.

 

When she was employed again I suggested weightwatchers as it has worked before and it might help. Then, when she didn't go, i told her to go. Then eventually i lost patience and told her she was ugly.

 

Yeah, i'm a d1ck.

 

As i said to her when we met, i was so lost in being angry at everything not going my way, not being simple, easy that i no longer saw the harm i was doing to us. But i'm beginning to see it now, and that is (in part) why i am going to therapy. To work on the causes and issues that had made me what i am, and resolve them.

 

I told her i'm not working on us, and i accept that there may no longer BE an 'us'. Instead of "engaging her in discussions about your relationship", i was clear that there isn't one. At least, not for quite a while. I'm working on me. I'm in counselling, reading self help books, and support groups (this one anyway).

 

She told me that since she moved out, she's cut down from a bottle+ of wine per night, to less than one per week. I let her know that I've also cut out drinking during the week. I think that admission made us both realize just how much we had been 'hiding' in bottles, in alcohol, to numb the pain we were both in.

 

(In fact i bought my first bottle of Jack in three weeks last at the weekend, and hated it. Even the beer i tried to drink, i couldn't finish the one bottle. They both made me feel slightly sick. I finished the evening drinking cranberry juice. It may be time to quit altogether. I guess i no longer have the same pain to mask.)

 

I told her that we need to continue maintaining a separate space (though improve communications when needed, to prevent what happened above. Low Contact, rather than No Contact), as we both need time to heal, to review, to move forward. This includes things like Facebook (yeah, she'd noticed and didn't like that either) as it's the same as peering though the window to see what the other person is doing. If our spaces, our lives, overlap and interact it will make it difficult to make the break required to move on (escape velocity?) She 'got' that too. eventually.

 

Was it a successful meeting? I hope so. Did we resolve all our issues? Of course not. Did we achieve more in half an hour than we would have in a weeks worth of email contact? Absolutely. Will it be a regular thing? No.

 

Some of the NC advocates will be bouncing up and down over us having a face to face, and that's your 'right'. Some may not agree with my choice, but to me, it was a good thing.

 

It eased a lot of tension that had built up due to poor communication on both our parts, opened a door to a path i have to go down (my anger, controlling issues), and redefined some badly written 'ground rules'. Nobody 'won' anything, nobody 'lost' anything, but I and she both moved forward.

 

 

Meeting #2. As part of our talk about the direct debit debacle, she mentioned that we had previously made a list of all the direct debits prior to the split, and asked if i could find them to help her get untangled.

 

When i got home, i found them and texted her to let her know. She asked to come by later that day. I agreed to that, but said i would meet her outside the house. I'd also previously made a list and used the time before she showed up to take screenshots of the accounts, highlighting the parts she needed.

 

I met her by the front gate. When she showed up, she gave a slight smile. Not a "HA! He's doing what i told him to do", more of a "i've lost the anger i had when i saw him earlier, and we're actually talking instead of fighting". There was a light in her eyes too. I kept any indication of what i'd noticed off my face.

 

Together we went over the lists and screenshots, getting it straight so she could sort the direct debits out. That's when i told her i'd already taken care of her cell account and moved it to her bank. One less problem for her to deal with and for me to have hanging over me.

 

I don't feel that i dealt with it as 'partners', but as a tangled business transaction that needed to be rectified, and i think that difference came across and was accepted.

 

Finally, on the pad underneath all the other papers were the notes i'd made on our earlier talk, as soon as i'd got home while it was still fresh. 'Minutes of the meeting' if you like. I had done this for me, as i do have a problem with blowing off what was said in previous 'discussions' we've had over the years. It also works towards 180 rule #25; "Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you." Not something i can truthfully say i've done very well before.

 

I took her through my notes. Obviously not to say "i'm different now, lookit. Come back!" (and again, i made it clear that's not where i'm heading), but to show that i am working on me, and paying attention to what is said and learning from that.

 

She was surprised to see the thought that had gone into that, and that i'd been actively listening. I have to do it as part of my job, but hadn't been doing it with her. I definitely heard the gears shift in her head, and that point i ended the 2nd meeting with a "Thanks for coming by. Hope you get the direct debits sorted. See you around", and went back indoors.

 

A couple of days later, in counselling, i finally had a big break and stepped through into a place i'd been hiding and avoiding for too long. That session was a B1TCH, but also completely changed the way i'd been thinking about who I am. As painful as was to get onto this new track, it has given me a huge sense of release and the strength to face my demons.

 

I thought long and hard about it, but decided to email this to my Wife:

 

This is a really hard email to write. But I needed to put to words the thoughts I've realised as part of my recovery and 'process' I'm going through. Today's counselling reached a major breakthrough today. It was an incredibly emotional but releasing session, opening up sealed doors that I have allowed to prevent me from realising and releasing the pain I have kept hidden away.

 

I have finally accepted that who I am and how I'm 'wired' has been affected and poisoned by events of my past. Not my past with just you, but from long before then.

 

My abuse as a child, the beatings from StepDad that Mum didn't even know about and the things that she also did (that she claims she doesn't remember), my adoption and the feelings of abandonment (twice) by *birth mother * and later by *adopted dad*, plus many other things have already been brought to light and exposed in therapy. But also, finally, the beginnings of how that set me down a path, the wrong path, to a self destructive, harmful course.

 

And eventually, to a self destructive, harmful relationship with those around me. I have wasted so much time projecting my pain on the people I should be able to love. I have hurt you because of the pain that I feel, instead of healing with you.

 

I'm not claiming that my childhood is solely responsible for who I am now. But I accept that it has, in part, poisoned who I am. Equally, I accept that my inability to heal from it has also prevented me from growing into the man I could have been, should have been.

 

Unfortunately you got what was left. Broken, and incomplete. I realize now that you had tried the best you were able to do to help me, but I wasn't ready to accept it. I feel into a relationship with you when I wasn't ready. And I never moved forward from that. A mistake on my part.

 

I held onto my pain, and used it to (unconsciously, perhaps) hurt you and others as a way of easing the pain.

 

It was wrong. My anger, my pain, my need to feel in control, has been focused incorrectly. And pushed those I love, away. Especially you.

 

I have a long road to travel, but I'm determined to finally walk it. And accepting what I find along the way, and at it's destination. I will be continuing the counselling, and continuing to work on my self. It's a long way from being over, but I'm finally ready to get there. No matter how long it takes.

 

 

 

I'm not telling you this as my Wife, or my partner. I accept that you aren't either of these any more. I'm telling you this as my friend. Someone I have hurt, critically, mortally. And I do not hope for, or seek, forgiveness. I accept that it is not something you may not be able to give.

 

It is an acknowledgement that I was wrong.

 

 

That is the only email i've sent discussing 'us', we stick to strictly business as (i think) we both accept that neither of us are remotely close to any discussion outside of that.

 

So, i continue to work on me. It's a long lonely road, but i'm travelling it. I already feel so much better about the person i am, and it has been noticed by others. Had an update from my team lead on my PIP ('Personal improvement Plan') at work (for shi77y attitude), feedback is that i've totally turned it around. All positive, across the board.

 

Went to my Aunts birthday at the weekend where i received several comments about how good i was looking, that I've lost weight, and seem younger and happier.

 

And it looks like there's bit more responsibility being passed on to me at work. Asked to be temp (holiday cover) team lead to cover all our (4) sites.

 

Going from being on 'PIP' (for attitude) to temp team lead in just over a month. Must be doing something right, looks like my 'shake off the past and move on' plan is working.

Edited October 14, 2014 by Day.One

[Day.One]

Hmmmm.... Got back from last nights run (2 miles!) and checked my email:

 

I am very sorry but I cannot get onto internet banking yet so I will withdraw what I owe you and drop it into the mailbox tomorrow night. I am very sorry. My calculations are as follows:

 

************************************************

 

Sorry for the inconvenience.

 

 

 

I think someone is looking for reasons to come by.....

 

 

Replied back, along the lines of "no need to come by, just take care of it when your internet banking is setup".

[Day.One]

Update(s)

 

I did have to let her know that a letter from DVLA (DMV) had come regarding youngest son's (non running) car. Tax (tags) is due, and if it gets noticed parked on the street without valid tags, it'll get clamped, towed and crushed. She would not know this, and it's doubtful the kid would either. So in order to make sure they didn't come home one day and find no car, i had to reach out.

 

The letter was as follows:

 

I received a tax reminder for the Wrangler, which I'm dealing with. But there was also a similar looking envelope for ******'s car, which means he needs to take care of it. Untaxed, uninsured cars can be clamped, towed when found. The problem he will find is that to tax it, he has to MOT it, and i have doubts it's currently in a condition to pass an MOT. [COLOR=Blue](MOT is a vehicle inspection in the UK, DayOne)[/COLOR]

 

His other option's (as i see it) are:

a) SORN (Statutory Off Road Notification), this means tell the DVLA it's not going to be used on the road, which means no tax has to be paid. The issue with that is, as the name implies, it's OFF the road, which includes being parked by the side of the road. I almost lost the Wrangler that way a few years back. If he wants to keep it, he'll have to find somewhere to store it, off the road.

 

b) Sell it, probably for scrap in the condition it's in. He'll get back what he paid for it, assuming it's what i heard he bought it for (around £100).

 

Hope all going well for you.

 

She replied to say thank you for letting her know about the car. Her tone was warmer than it has been in any previous emails, and signed off that she 'was hoping I'm doing ok'. Not something she's offered before.

 

Now, I didn't get all giddy about that, just something I noticed.

 

She also wanted to come by and pick up the mail this weekend. Some seems to still be leaking through, even though she's done the re-direction.

 

I replied that I will be in town on Saturday, and I will meet her there for coffee, and give her the mail. Not an offer of a 'date', just letting her know i'll be at X location at Y time, and she's welcome to meet me there.

 

She accepted.

 

We spent 3 hours together. Met for coffee (I paid), found a quiet booth at the back of the shop. And I talked. And talked.

 

I talked about me. I talked about what i've been going through. The emotions and feelings i've been experiencing, both in therapy and during my own work. What i have seen change as a result of that work. Taking responsibility for my part in causing the toxic relationship. I spoke on beginning to grapple with the actual causes of why i am, what i am, who i am. And i'm working to resolve, overcome those issues. That in the past i have mistakenly tried to work on us. Not me. And that's been the wrong approach. Because it masked my actual issues, and allowed me to pretend i was fixing something. When actually i wasn't.

 

I spoke of how i had spent the first half of my life living on a miserable relationship (family & environment) and that because we had met so soon after i had escaped that relationship (within 4 months) i had had no chance to grow or move on from that. And that i only had the coping mechanisms from my previous life to apply to my new life. And that they were the wrong ones. I'd failed to ever shake off those attitudes, coping mechanisms, defenses, but instead just adapted them to my new, married life and relationship with her, and in fact the 2nd half of my life in general. And that i'd finally realised this and was working toward learning to change.

 

I made it clear that I wasn't trying to change for her, for us. I've made that mistake. That what i'm doing is for me. That i have to learn to live with myself. To like myself, and to even love myself. Until I can do that, i'm not willing to consider us trying as a couple. That to think of us as a couple right now runs the real risk of me back sliding.

 

I explained what i'm doing to bring about this change. That i'm in therapy, reading several self help books, and also getting advice from relationship forums, with people who have been through similar experiences and learning from them. To help me recognize my own behaviors, triggers. And how to turn them around. She asked which books, and i told her about NMMNG. ( Letting her know about MMSLP would have caused a detachment. Too soon to mention anything with Sex Life in the title). I got the 'look' when i said NO MORE Mr Nice Guy, but explained the basis behind the book is not to NOT stop being a nice guy, but how being a 'Nice Guy' actually causes more problems and instead how to work towards a 'true to yourself guy' (an 'integrated male'). I explained how i recognised myself, giving examples. I explained 'toxic shame' and 'covert contracts', again giving examples of how that affected us (She was nodding every time. She could see what i was saying). She agreed that i haven't been true to myself, and i said that is changing. That she may not like all the differences it makes, but i have to be true to myself.

 

I talked to Wife about last week's therapy session, and that the therapist had asked me at the beginning of the session, "do you still love your Wife?".

 

I then related to Wife that I could only truthfully say to the therapist "I don't know". (which put an "oh shiat!" look on Wife's face) And for the rest of the session, I was all over place. Couldn't stay on topic, was visibly agitated, arms flailing (nearly took out her lampshade!)

 

And that for a couple of days after that I remained 'triggered'. Totally disconnected and in a funk. Until the night that I couldn't sleep. That's when I wrote the unsent letter (posted in coping, letters to ex but not sent).

 

I didn't tell Wife what I had written in the letter, and to be honest the content of the letter wasn't important. What was important, and I didn't realise it at the time, but only when I was telling her the story, was that by allowing all that toxic energy to be released into the letter, a purer energy remained.

 

And that I no longer didn't know whether I still loved her or not, but I did finally know the answer. And that it's that I do love her.

 

I then went on to explain that I can't love her as I did before. What I have to do is to fall in love with her all over again. A new love, bringing none of the toxins, negativity from my previous relationship with her. In fact my preference would be, that if we did decide to reconcile, to date her as though we had just met. Because that is, in a way, what we'd be doing. I won't be the man she left, she would be dating someone new.

 

Hope she likes him!

 

(took a break, had a sip of coffee. It was getting cold)

 

I talked about how i'm not only working on myself mentally, emotionally, but i'm also working on myself physically. We talked about the swimming. She was stunned that i'd made that step. I explained that it was about overcoming my fears. That fears had kept me back. That if i can overcome an obstacle like this, i will find it easier to overcome other obstacles that i may encounter. Including the fact that we may not come out of this together. I got the feeling that she was surprised that I was able to accept this and be 'OK' with it.

 

I told her i was running. "RUNNING as well!?!??!". She knows about my shin splints, and that i've had a hard time overcoming it. But, again, I explained that it was about overcoming an obstacle to succeed.

 

Which brought us on the gym. I said that I was going to sign up for the gym. As it turns out she has been going. With friends from work. As soon as i mentioned it, she asked if i'd like to go with her.

 

Which was the perfect opportunity to explain an instance where i screwed up previously. That I had rejected her offer of gym partners because i was feeling rejected by her not coming walking, my chosen fitness exercise up to that point. And that it had been wrong. That i had been wrong. Instead of talking about my issues about feeling rejected, but instead using to fuel resentment towards her, had caused a unneeded problem (one of many).

 

Talking about rejection opened her up into talking about how she had felt rejected by me too many times. And that the harder she had tried to reach to me, the harder i had pushed back. Until she couldn't do it anymore.

 

A good time to back off and let her talk. (though there had been interaction in the previous conversation).

 

She spoke about how she had just been driven to the point of feeling invisible. That she didn't matter to me. That even, for example, when we had gone walking i had kept up my usual pace (i'm a fast walker), until she had been left trailing behind. Alone.

 

And that is how she felt about us. Left behind. Alone.

 

And i recognized it. I validated it. I had put my fear of abandonment, of being rejected, in front of accepted a woman who loved me. Who wanted to love and be loved.

 

(we had gotten through a pile of napkins at this point, i went to get more).

 

She went on to explain that she's alone now. Really feeling alone. Youngest kid is not there much, and she has even fewer friends than i do. So she's usually alone, with no-one to talk to.

That she doesn't even have the 'sanctuary' (her word) of being able to talk to me, and she misses that. She has very little furniture, everything is on the floor, including her mattress and only two wooden chairs to sit on.

 

She wasn't playing martyr (i've seen it, i know what it looks like), but using it as a metaphor for how she's feeling.

 

Her works sucks right now. The impending redundancies are making everyone crazy and morale is in the toilet. It's a miserable place to be, and she comes homes to a miserable place.

 

The old me would have saddled up the 'white knight' and ridden to the rescue. This me simply sat and listened. At one point she looked at me as if waiting for me to do just that. I noticed it and said

 

"Here's the deal. In times gone by, i would have jumped in and suggested this, instructed you to do that, tell you to do X, Y and Z. I'm not going to do that. I'm here to simply listen. As a friend. If you ask for help, i'll offer it. But previously i've not listened, i've just tried to fix it. And then got pissed when you don't do it that way. Those days are gone".

 

She blinked and gears shifted again. She saw something, and i think she liked it.

 

I asked her if she's getting counselling. She's not. I didn't get pissed ("meh, she's not trying), just accepted it. I suggested that she consider seeing my counselor. She thought it might not be a good idea, as she's 'my counselor', and what she said in therapy might affect how the counselor treats me .

 

I told her i can see her point. However, i felt that this counselor was a professional and would be able to compartmentalize her patients. Bear in mind she knows my Mum and i've told her things about my childhood that would make anyone else think of my 'sweet, loving' Mum in a completely different way.

 

I said it would also be a good idea if we saw the same counselor as, if we reached a point where marriage counselling, or divorce counselling was agreed, it would make sense to have someone that has a complete history and experience of us. Going to separate counselors and a separate MC would be counter productive as we'd all be working from a separate playbook.

 

She asked me to get her an appointment.

 

We'd been there a couple of hours at this point, and were both exhausted. The coffee was long gone and the seats were getting uncomfortable. We'd talked more productively and learnt more about each other than we had in years. A good point to stop.

 

I said we should leave any more talking for now, and we should wrap it up.

 

But on a gamble threw in an "Instigate, Isolate, Escalate" tactic.

 

I needed to buy a pair of goggles for swimming. She used to be on the school swim team and a triathlete. So I asked her if she'd like to come with and help me pick out goggles. She agreed.

 

So we did that. She showed me how to find the right fit and size and i complimented her on her knowledge and appreciated the help she was giving.

 

We left the swim shop and I assumed that business was done. That she would say b'bye . But she stayed close to me, and we naturally moved together from the mall.

 

She said that she needed to go and find a couch (two wooden chairs, remember). I suggested a place that sold good used furniture. She asked if i'd like to join her and help. I hesitated for a brief second as I thought had an issue with that. "DON'T WANNA HELP YOU MOVE AWAY! Whaaaa"

 

Then i stomped that down, real quick and manned up.

 

She had chosen to help me with something i needed (goggles), so I should reciprocate and help her. Even if it was something i didn't want to do. "I'd love to help"

 

Walked to the store, she found a couch she liked. Then she also needed to find closets as she has nowhere to put her clothes.

 

 

I came this][close to fking up.

 

Out of nowhere the 'white knight' rode up and tried taking over and fixing things. We have closets here at the house. They're not used as i don't use our bedroom anymore. So i'm all "oh, you can use these, and do that, and blah blah blah".

 

 

Then i stopped. I caught it. I recognised, and i rejected the white knight.

 

She picked up on me switching gears and asked what happened. I explained that i was about to blunder into making the same mistake. Of jumping in and overdoing it. 'Fixing it'. And also of making a covert contract. "if i help her with this, this and this, she'll fall into my arms and all will be right with the world". "That if i give the closets, she'll be wanting to come home soon and bring them back with her."

 

WRONG!

 

So i verbalised what i was doing, what i was about to do. And once it was out there, she got it.

 

So i backed up and tried a different approach.

 

"Here's the deal. I don't see the need for you to spend your money to buy something we already have. I don't use them. You need them. I'd like you to have them, but i'm making it clear that i'm expecting nothing in return. I'm not saying this for you, i'm saying it for me. So i'm clear on what i'm thinking this offer is leading to. Nothing"

 

She got it. And liked that i was consciously rethinking my processes.

 

I did suggest that she haggle with the store owner over the couch, but that I was going outside the store before the white knight reappeared and tried to haggle for her.

 

A few minutes later she came out and as it turned out had gone for a different couch as she'd worked out that the one she wanted wouldn't fit up the stairs and another one was better, cheaper and came with extra covers!

 

Gave her a high five on a job well done and we headed towards our houses. They're in the same direction, so we walked towards her place. On the way we talked about space and respecting it. I explained that i hadn't wanted to know where she lived as it was hard for me to be presented with the physical presence of her apartment, and also i hadn't wanted to run the risk of getting drunk one night and showing up on the front yard, holding up a stereo. She giggled at that, and understood. I said i never want to come into her apartment for the same reason as above, it's her space. She said she would also not want me in there as she feels its her space, and i respected that.

 

We got to the end of her street and finished talking and said goodbye.

 

But i took one last gamble.

 

MMSLP's 10 second kiss. I told her that i was going to kiss her, but she had to promise to pretend to like it. Just before contact she whispered that she didn't need to pretend. Sure enough, after a few seconds, she responded.

 

I broke the kiss, said we should talk again soon, and walked.

 

I'd considered bringing up the question of a next coffee 'date', but we were both completely wrung out after 3 hours. The idea of doing it again would have been too much. Also, It's an issue of space. We came together, we shared, we talked, we moved forward.

 

Now it's time to back away a bit and let what happened sink in and rewire. You wouldn't decide to join a gym, do a three HOUR crossfit session, and expect to be able to maintain that every day. You'd break something. To me, it's the same thing for us. We've had an intense 3 hour workout, it's time to rest for a while. Let these newly exercised emotional muscles heal and grow stronger.

 

 

 

I actually had the opportunity, and temptation, to try for a 'follow up' this evening. I had an invite to dinner from a couple who have been mutual friends of ours for years.

 

Her apartment and my house are 2 blocks apart. The restaurant we went to was slap bang between us.

 

I was this][close to asking her if she wanted to make a foursome. But knew that was a bad move. We'd had our day together, we'd accomplished so much. But now was the time to back away into our corners, rest, review, and allow the events of the day to grow and strengthen.

Edited October 26, 2014 by Day.One

[Natsu21]

Gonna ask a question.

 

Did you sniff around to see if there's another man in the picture?

[Day.One]

Gonna ask a question.

 

Did you sniff around to see if there's another man in the picture?

 

I have. Overtly and convertly. Nothing going on there.

[Day.One]

I was exhausted today. Took the dogs for walk, did a bit of work around the house, but flaked out after that. I beat myself up over that a bit, but realised what i had gone through yesterday, and accepted that today was to be a healing day.

 

 

She came over at 2. To get a missing part for a cabinet, an agreed situation from yesterday. And we talked again. I spoke further on my progress. About how my treatment as a child had affected me as an adult. How i was so fearful of being mistreated, i would reject people before they had a chance to hurt me. An illogical course of action, but i had stuck to for too many years. Even people i was meeting for the first time would be pushed away, or presented with a gruff, unapproachable person.

 

This only served to have the opposite effect from the one i would truly have wanted. I became attuned to keeping people at arms length, distant, to prevent the danger of any harm, any pain. coming to me.

 

I spoke again of how i had entered into a relationship, before i had recovered from the damage of my childhood and previous life. I told her about the beating i had from StepDad, which i mistakenly thought she knew about. It came as a shock to her. We spoke of how i had 'stopped' smiling in photos of me as a kid. She had noticed that in the past. I said that i had developed shields to (as i thought) protect me from harm, but applied them to everyone i knew, "just in case". All that had done was to push those around me away, especially those closest to me.

 

She noticed all my notes taped up around the kitchen, the pile of notepads and books, printouts in the living room. Notes on what had been said the previous day, with my thoughts, my observations. 5 pages of it. She said that when she got home yesterday, she just wanted to curl up into a ball. She was jealous of all the work i have put into changing myself, the progress i've made. That she didn't know if she could be that strong, to be able to move forward.

 

We sat in the living room. She cried, i cried. I told her i was crying because it hurt me that i couldn't help her, i couldn't fix her, i couldn't save her. But that i accepted that she had to be the one to help herself, to heal herself. That i knew she has the power to do it, but she has to find it herself.

 

She visited the bathroom, to check on my cabinet and to use the scales. She loved how the cabinet had turned out and she had lost 14lbs! I congratulated her on her achievement and accepted the praise about the cabinet. She also noticed the ceilings and doors i'd painted.

 

We spoke of youngest son, and how she had relayed to him what i had said yesterday. That although i was still angry at him for how he had treated us, and his behavior, the hatred had gone. When i had passed him in the street yesterday, i had wanted to hug him and tell him it will be OK. She told me that he had said he wants to be like me. I said that I want him to be like who i'm GOING to be.

 

We talked about curtains. I was going to take the curtain from the landing window and hang it in my room as it would be an upgrade on what's currently there. She mentioned that there are spare curtains if needed. I appreciated her advice and will use that idea of hers to hang the spare ones in the bedroom and keep the ones i was going to use on the landing window.

 

I told her i was concerned yesterday that she had drank off her work stress. She said the bottle of wine was a one off. That she doesn't drink regularly anymore. That when she drank, it had lost it's flavour, it's enjoyment. That she has been going to the gym to work off her stress instead. More praise from me. But i said that when it got too much, don't be afraid to talk to someone about it. Don't hold it in. That I would even be there, as a friend, if she need someone to offload her work stress on.

 

I told her it was time to wrap it up as i had to go to the store. She asked if she could come with as she also needed to go. So we walked there together. On the way she talked about a female co-worker neighbour that she rides to work with, who is also having a relationship issue. That they talk about their relationship issues, but Wife is reluctant to open up to her completely. I suggested that she try to gradually open up to her as it would be helpful for her to be learn to express what she's feeling to someone. And that the co-worker would be a good choice.

 

At the store, she got her stuff, i got mine. Then we walked back together. On the way back I said that yesterday and today had been an amazing experience for me, she agreed the same for her. I reminded her that we should give each other some space again for a while, to recover.

 

She agreed that we need that space, but countered that because it's my Mums birthday on Thursday, she wanted us to take her out to dinner. Just the three of us, all other family being out of town, stepdad is in long term residential care, so she'd be all alone on her B'day.

 

I agreed that it would be a nice gesture, but made sure we understood it's an occasion for my Mum, and we would be there strictly as friends and family for her.

 

I did tell her that i had been tempted to ask her to join me and my friends last night, but had chosen not to. She said that i had made the right choice and that it would have felt like i was pushing.

 

She came to me, kissed me goodbye, and I came home.

[Day.One]

I've been remiss in my updates, so here goes:

 

Last Monday: Decided to walk to therapy, instead of drive. As i went down my road, i recognized Wife heading home. (Very distinctive walk, and i've been checking out 'dat a$$' for 24 years, i'd know it anywhere )

 

Caught up with her and she was freaking out. Some drunk guy had been talking to her and creeping her out, and seemed to be hanging around.

 

So i walked her to her street.

 

The white knight rides again! But this time using his power for good, not evil!

 

One thing about that evening, when I 'rescued' Wife from some drunk guy on the street. When i caught up with her, she was on the phone to youngest son, as a 'just in case' measure.

 

She done it before (called when nervous on the street), to me.

 

She said she had called youngest son instead of me "as she didn't want to bother me".

 

I told her to knock that shiat off. In a situation like that, all NC/LC rules go out the window. She calls me, she comes to the house (it's closer to the bus stop she uses), she can even go wait in the yard or the garage if i'm not around.

 

But she's NEVER to feel that our current situation means that i'm not available if she feels threatened by a stranger on the street.