Day One...

[Lion Heart]

I told her that, in hindsight, I should have taken the time off. A couple days of missed overtime over being with her doing the thing she had planned should have been more important. Because a part of me knew that "damn, I've done it again". Blown her off. I recognise that I have done that too often. And that, even though this occasion had 'real' reason's, it had still hurt her.

 

She felt that I wasn't just being a d!ck, but that I still cannot accept good things being done for me. And I can own that. I do have a hard time with people doing things for me. I need to work on that.

 

She appreciated that I had seen that, even if it was too late.

 

I then moved on to how we failed to work it out on the phone that night. That, as we now know, were both coming from a bad place. Both had our own hurt going on, but hadn't resolved it before clashing.

 

That we have to both work on being able to recognise when we're not ready to deal with a conflict. Something we're both bad at. We try to hammer our point onto the other one, when one or neither of us are ready. That we need to be able to say "time out", and respect that request. Maybe for an hour, maybe for a day. But then agree to come together and talk it through again. No rug sweeping, again something we're both guilty of, as it only causes resentment.

 

But a positive note, she doesn't feel that I'm coming from "the old place", the old me. That even when things went south the other night, she felt that the fight wasn't like it had been before. It was much calmer. She felt safer.

 

I agreed. I'd noticed that although the shields had gone up, on both sides, neither of us had fallen into the old habits of scoring points, insulting, and throwing the past at each other. We'd stuck to what was happening in that moment. And that's a good thing.

 

And that we wouldn't be able to have the conversation we were having right now if we were still using the same (bad) coping methods we used to use. That it's changed, we have changed. And it's working.

 

YOU GUYS ROCK.

 

LH

PS: Please the wall o text up!

Book book book remember

[Day.One]

A good night out. Two of us and her neighbour friend, and the three of us got on like a house on fire. The live music turned out to be a jazz quartet. A really good jazz quartet. A bit loud at times, but we were still able to chat.

 

I even took Mrs D1 around the dance floor a few times when the opportunity arose. Surprised the heck out of her as it's not something I do often.

 

She loved it.

 

 

 

 

We're (the three of us) out again Friday, for a jazz/blues band.

 

 

Not a big update, but a few steps further along the path.

[Day.One]

There was a slight bump in the evening.

 

Wan't even a big deal (and sounds lame now). Mrs D's neighbour friend made a couple of lame comments about how they (Wife n her) have these "super secret chats" while they carpool to work. Initially I shrugged it off. So they chat, big whoop. That's a good thing.Mrs D needs to open up to someone.

 

But she wouldn't shut up about it. To the point where she seemed to be making sure I was supposed to think there was more than she was letting on.

 

Eventually (20 mins) it got to me. So I took a walk. When I came back they both knew the neighbour had pushed it too far. I let it go, but it still rankled.

 

So told Mrs D I needed to phone her and talk it out. Yup, was nothing. These 'super secret chats'? They're the ones Mrs D has always told me about. Transparently.

 

I asked Mrs D why she didn't speak up, let the friend know that she tells me everything. She replied that she never knows how to deal with situations like that.

 

But I reassured her that I wasn't upset with her, she'd done nothing wrong. In fact I was proud of her for holding back.

 

Because not only does Mrs D tell me everything she says when talking about us, she tells me what her friend is going through, with her partner.

 

Speaking up would have let her friend know that "what happens in the car, stays in the car", doesn't. Breaking the sense of confidentiality they share.

 

Why does Mrs D tell me what her friend is going through? Because she trusts me, (there's that word again, she's using it a lot now, toward me) and she seeks and respects my advice. She knows the work I've been putting in to improve myself, learn about relationships, and asks for my help. Wants me, the guy she was afraid of, didn't trust an inch, to help her.

 

She mentioned that last night, when I was talking to the friend, I never showed that I know LOT more than I did. And that she was impressed with how I advised the friend.

 

 

 

BUT, if i had been 'old me', sulking and pi$$ed off. Failing to resolve, with Mrs D, what was bothering me, I would never have learnt all this.

 

Because I wasn't 'him', I was me, D1, the outcome was completely different. Better.

 

I took that lesson and learnt from it. And I heard her relax, and be natural with me, on the phone. Not afraid.

[Light Breeze]

Brother, great update even though there was a slight bump. Again, it showed how far both of you are in your self improvement. Good communication effort on both your parts. Keep it coming

[Day.One]

Awkward moment of the evening:

 

A guy on the next table leant over and asked Mrs D "don't i know you?".

 

Turns out he was the the letting agent on her apt.

 

"oh, I'm so glad to see you happy now. You were so sad when you came to sign the lease".

 

 

[Day.One]

TBH, I've kinda reached a 'meh' point in knowing where we're at. In an effort to wean myself off her and the subsequent confusion, I've dialled back the intensity I feel about her, us.

 

Last weekend, she was still at my house when I arrived home Saturday night. Unexpected as we had agreed she would spent Friday night dog sitting while I was away (work). Then she would go for a walk with her friends in the morning (07:30), come back, hang with the dog for a while, then go home.

 

So to still be there at 6pm was... surprising.

 

Anyway we chit chatted for bit, she finished watching the TV show she had started, I went on with my business. Unpacking, writing reports about the weekend to email out, starting laundry, etc.

 

About 7:30pm she said "she should be going". I replied that I would invite her to stay, but i'm just going to be chilling out and doing my own thing. Didn't walk her home. I wasn't cold, just not fussed if she stayed, or not.

 

Feels strange, not being bothered by if she's around or not, but it's helping me move forward again. Spent Sunday at the gym, shopping at the hardware store, taking the recycling to the dump, then mostly working on the Wrangler. Doing my own thing, and not thinking about what she's doing.

[Day.One]

You know what sometimes get's forgotten, overlooked, while you're so wound up in your own head? Trying to figure out WTF is going on? Where the relationship is? If you're still together? What you actually mean to each other? When you're frustrated, feeling insecure, lost?

 

 

That they are also fighting their own emotional turmoil. That they don't have the answers either. That they are, in fact, just as lost, confused, insecure as you are. And that they're as frustrated as you are.

 

I learnt that tonight. Or at least I was reminded of that fact. I already knew it, but had forgotten it. Lost in the ping pong thoughts bouncing round my head.

 

We agreed to meet and go to the gym. And that started badly, as she'd gone straight there instead of meeting as we usually did, on her block. She'd not read the text I send clarifying that we would meet first. So I waited for 15 minutes before heading to the gym.

 

So I was not in the best mood to find her there already. (An earlier vet visit had pi$$ed me off too) It went downhill from there. Shields came up, old coping mechanisms kicked in. Bunkers were hidden in. Shots were fired.

 

But we walked home together. It didn't get better, it got worse. Neither of us could listen to what the other one was saying, or HEAR it anyway.

 

It got to the point where we were both ready to walk away. Just "FU" and bail.

 

 

And then I stopped. I stopped escalating, stopped trying to 'win'. (FYI, "winning" in this situation is actually "losing". You'll lose much more than you think you'll "win")

 

I broke the cycle. And that's not to say I backed down. I just...stopped. I felt this calmness come over me, eye in the storm if you will.

 

I quietly asked her to restate where she was coming from. And I listened. Not defensively, no arguing, no hearing "I'm bad". Just heard her out. And it wasn't accusatory, attacking, berating. I wasn't being pounded on after all. (Shocker, right?!) And I gave my side, which she listened to, in the same way.

 

And from then on, we talked. I was able to tell her what I've been struggling with recently. How hard it is not knowing what we are, where we're at. That it's difficult feeling toward her as strongly as I do, but not being together.

 

And she's in the same place. She wants to be with me, hates being apart. That she doesn't know what we are either. And trying to figure it out.

 

She's been having a hard time since her counsellor asked her if she thinks we should stay together, If we're right for each other. She was afraid to tell me as she thought it would upset me. It doesn't. It's a valid question. Not an easy one, but as I told her one she needs to figure out. That my counsellor had asked me something similar and it had thrown me, for over a week. She's been having a hard time with it as she is deeply in love with me, but doesn't want to hurt me anymore, or BE hurt anymore. That we need to change who we are, completely, if we're to make it. Something I already knew.

 

I told her that she always seems so together, unphased, by what's happening. She told me she isn't. She's a mess. Just as lost and scared as I am. And i'd forgotten that. Forgotten that she is having her own fight.

[Light Breeze]

It's a good sign that all the problems are being laid out in the open. At least you're communicating and that's really a vital component that a lot of failed relationships lack.

 

I'm really hoping that all goes well for both of you.

[Day.One]

This weekends work went well (Managed to get home for VDay evening). A few surprises, but nothing we couldn't sort out. Actually looking forward to going back to the site Monday. It's my TL and line managers site (we're essentially autonomous at our site, they come up once a month. Maybe)

 

I struggle with tasking others to take care of things for me. It was really hard NOT to just deal with some of the issues myself, but to delegate it out. Had to stomp myself from doing it a couple of times (at least), but had good results in trusting the guys to run with it. And also not to sweat the things I couldn't fix, but instead pass it up the line, without feeling like i'd 'failed' by not fixing it myself. (even though I knew full well i couldn't)

 

Picked waw up yesterday evening, took her out for Valentines dinner. Had a great time. Was interesting watching the other couples in the restaurant. Some were enjoying themselves, some seemed to be there out of duty. Fortunately we seemed to fall into the former category, not the latter.

 

Kept the conversation light, it wasn't the evening to get 'heavy'. Afterwards, dropped her off at her place and came home. A good evening.

 

It felt 'right' not to bring her back here after dinner. That's not to say it was easy.

 

The other night showed me that she needs time to figure out what she wants. Something I'd ignored in my own haste to rush to some imagined finish line.

 

She has to find the answer to the question that her counsellor asked her. Whether "we're right for each other". Bringing her here, now, for a night in the sack would only cloud her judgement, as well as mine.

 

Until she can answer that, as well as her own questions about what she wants, and whether it's with me, I feel it's best to put some space into the relationship. Cool things down. To be there if she reaches out, but not be there every time she looks over her shoulder.

 

And it also gives me some level of protection in the event that she decides that she needs to continue, alone, on the path she has chosen.

 

After I dropped her off, I came back here and just chilled out by the firepit. I felt no 'guilt' that I hadn't asked her back here, or tried for 'nooky'. This house is mine now, I don't think of it as 'ours'. her presence isn't felt here anymore.

 

At dinner she was suggesting ways for us to hang out more after the project is over. When I mentioned that I may be going to Madrid (As well as Paris, for the project I'm on), she instantly wanted to join me there. She wants to go to the live music bar again. I told that I also want to make regular evenings there. But sometimes by myself, and sometimes with her. She didn't seem to like that much. Like she suddenly realised that I may not be dependant on her forever.

 

I'm thinking that I may not be the only 'dependant' here. That she's been stringing me along because she doesn't know how to let go either.

 

If she wasn't instantly able to answer the counsellors question, has to think about it, days later, then perhaps she already has answered the question.

 

And now I can get on with my life. Packing again today as I'm on the road until the end of the month, working on this project at different sites.

[Day.One]

Not been around here for a while. Works been crazy. An ongoing project has had me travelling round the UK for the last few weeks. Long hours, 6 days a week.

 

Back in my regular office for now, on regular hours. But off to Europe next. Paris, Madrid and Barcelona. I've been made team lead for the Europe team, so that's a big deal. Definitely helping me grow in confidence, and well as work harder on leading without being controlling. Work has taken up a lot of my time, leaving no room for anything else. But on the plus side, my paycheck is a lot healthier.

 

waw is still on the scene, though we haven't seen much of each other recently. But when we have, it's been good. Really good.

 

She's taking me away this weekend for a secret trip somewhere. It's something she's wanted to do for a while, I'm happy to go along with it. No real idea what it will be, but going to enjoy it.

 

Also, she's coming to join me in Madrid then Barcelona. After the project finishes there, we've booked three days in a beach hotel before flying back. She was nervous about the money, but as I said above, my paycheck is in good shape, and can stretch to us taking a vacation together.

 

That's it really. Working hard, getting paid. I'll take a week off next month and relax.

[KBarletta]

waw is still on the scene, though we haven't seen much of each other recently. But when we have, it's been good. Really good.

 

Thanks for the update! I think I speak for a lot of us on here when I say we're following your story and rooting for you.

[Day.One]

Just got home, exhausted. This weekend has definitely been a success, marked a turning point in our relationship. For the better. She went into this weekend carrying all the fears of rejection, being "inadequate", in my eyes.

 

But came away completely different having spent 3 days with the man I've become since I chose to change. And she's in love with him. Because he's not the man she left. I'm not the man she left. Our interactions, our communication, in and out of bed are completely different than at any other time in our 25 years together. Because we've both changed, grown. Finally stepped back and taken the time to figure out who we are, what's been missing, and work on those realisations. But not as a couple, separately. That was our mistake before, we tried to fix each other, not our own selves.

 

There's still a road to travel, but IMO it's a lot shorter than ever before.

[Day.One]

Been 'offline' for a while as i've been travelling across Europe for a work rollout project. Paris, Madrid and Barcelona. (I know, tough life, right?! )

 

Just got home tonight so thought I should throw an update up here.

 

The project went well. Very well. I was team lead, and was worried as it was a major part of the worldwide company project. Turned out to be (and i'm blowing my own trumpet here) the best, most well received part of the rollout. All three offices were immensely satisfied with how the work was done, and my teams professionalism. And my managers and PM's gave glowing reviews during the morning phone meetings. We referred to ourselves as "the A Team", beating down any and all issues that arose during our time over there. And it was noticed "upstairs".

 

Waw flew down for the Madrid stage of the rollout, and stayed with me in the hotel. Exploring the city during the day and...well, exploring each other at night.

 

She came with us (the team) when we moved on to Barcelona. Once the project was done (Thursday), waw and I spent the weekend in a beach front hotel for some R&R. Apart from one major, but quickly resolved, falling out, we had an awesome few days discovering Barcelona. But more importantly, we really connected together again as a couple. During the day, we talked and connected better than we have done in years, if not ever.

 

And the nights were...mind blowing. There's a whole new physical, emotional dynamic that we've uncovered. Leading to a set of new discoveries that has revolutionised our sex life, after 24 years. But also drawn us closer together. There's a new level of trust and communication that has changed us both as individuals and as a couple. A term I'm beginning to use again to describe us, as is waw.

 

Not out of the woods yet, but light years ahead of what we were. I'm hopeful.

[Day.One]

It's not been all pixie dust n unicorns We had a blowout the first night in Barcelona, during dinner, probably the worst one since the split. Neither of us handled it very well, in the beginning, and when she went into full attack mode (eg : telling me to "shut up", that she WOULD tell me what I'm thinking, and throwing the "you always" and "you never" crap at me, and that I had nowhere to escape to as we were in a hotel), I walked away. Twice. Once at the dinner table when she started to yell at me to "shut up!". Then again from the room when she came up there and asked me what I was going to do now I had 'nowhere to run' and that she WAS going to tell me what I think.

 

Both times I walked away was to break the cycle of escalation, the one we used to fall into at times like this. And also because she (i felt) crossed a line, into just being insulting and vindictive. Not saying I don't have a history of pulling the same sh*t, but I didn't have the same reaction I used to, and didn't want to go there.

When I went to the lower level of the hotel (and listened to bad Catalan karaoke coming from a party room), and seriously considered getting another room for the night, or if it continued, to find a flight out. But I realised I'd be quitting. Being weak. It's what the old me would have thought.

 

So I cooled down, got my head together and went to our room instead. To find her there, and she'd brought the desert that I'd ordered but not eaten. Became "the rock" (or as close to it as I'm able to manage right now), apologized for my actions and she responded to my change from the old guy.

 

I think she felt that she could reduce her defcon level, as she knew I was already lowering mine. She felt safer. Instead of the usual escalating, we de-escalated. We talked it out, apologised for using our old tools on each other, and calmed down. When the 'heat' had gone from the room, I got into bed and she joined me. I gently drew her to me and she fell asleep on my chest.

 

The next day I checked for rug sweeping. Whether we had resolved the fight, or it was just being stored for later. And we were both OK.

 

It's better. Better than we've managed in a long time.

 

This is a huge difference over how we would cope in previous fights. Not going to bed angry is something we've been unable to do in years. This time, we did.

 

I think she was (intentionally or not) doing the "mirror test". Seeing how much of the old guy was still in control.

 

So (I think) she is looking to find out which one of us is in control. Me or that guy. So she 'tests' me. And that's something I have to learn to recognise. TBH, the fight was over something incredibly stupid, but it escalated quickly. I take my blame over that. I reacted poorly, and it set her off. She saw the old guy and it scared her.

 

But when I came back to the room, I was me again, and she saw that too.

 

As I've told waw previously, I'm not going to get it right, all the time. But that I'm working hard to do so.

 

IMO, it's getting easier to be me, not him. I was blindsided the other night, but I still was able to bounce back. Much quicker than I have done previously. And I think that waw saw that, and relaxed.

 

I've been thinking about that evening. I think that I'd spent weeks 'in charge'. Of the team, of the Euro rollout. Even when i put the team in a taxi to the airport, I was still 'on'. I didn't switch off until I got a text from Lil admin to say they were on the train, almost home.

 

It probably didn't help that we landed at the same airport that the Germanwings plane had left from, earlier that day...

 

One of my team had also wigged out on an earlier flight, for different reasons. And I had to talk her down for the flight from Madrid to Barcelona.

 

For that reason, and others, I'd had to remain on overwatch, for a long a$$ed time.

 

So to switch off, only to be challenged again, by waw, was a hard thing to deal with.

[Day.One]

"You ALWAYS/you NEVER"

 

 

One of waw's most reached for tools in her ammo pouch is "you ALWAYS... and "you NEVER...".

 

As in, for example:

"You ALWAYS act like you're so perfect",

"You ALWAYS have to be right",

"you NEVER take responsibility, for ANYTHING",

"you NEVER apologise, for ANYTHING, EVER!".

 

 

And she knows it's an instant "button pusher" for me. Because I don't know how to counteract it.

Can't try and argue with it (escalation),

can't defend against it (not heard),

can't walk away from it (followed),

can't shrug it off (push, push, push, until I react)

 

 

It's an instant nuclear strike. And I need to know how to defuse it. Discussion, suggestions welcome.

[KBarletta]

I wonder if it would work to discuss these kinds of absolutes with her and how unproductive and confrontational you feel they are. Ask her instead to start off with "it upsets me when you..." instead of taking the conversation directly to "always/never." If she actually wants to have productive communication, she may get it.

[idoltree]

How do you have a discussion about this when she'll probably resort to using those exact terms during said discussion? That's a tough one.

 

How about writing her a short letter asking her if it's something she'd be willing to work on? You'd have to be careful about how you word it so it isn't accusatory and she can't take offense, but having it in written format may circumvent the opportunity for it to turn into an argument.

[Day.One]

Update:

 

Took waw away for her birthday last weekend for a surprise three days in Venice (Italy, not CA!). Great time was had, and we did really well together. One small bit of friction due to both being exhausted long days of exploring the city on foot in searing heat, but lasted less than an hour and resolved by taking an afternoon siesta together.

 

We continue to grow, individually and together. Our ability to communicate and work with each other is the best it's ever been. Not all perfect, but who is?

 

Still separated, but the running joke is that "we're just really bad at it". waw is talking about us taking a trip together in September for our 25th anniversary, rather than renewing her apt lease.

 

 

Makes for a really boring thread i'm sure, but that's fine. We just quietly, steadily continue to rebuild our marriage and move forward. We realised what we had in each other, and what we had to lose, and chose to NOT lose it.

 

It can be done, but it's ****ing hard work, and you have to be prepared to commit to it.

[Esraem]

Wow I applaud you. You went through Hell, punched the devil in the gut and climbed out. I hope you guys can continue to grow!

[SingleDuck]

Thanks for posting this. You don't understand how many people you are helping with your posts.

[Yasuandio]

I just re-read the entire thread this evening. Bravo!

 

Yas

[Day.One]

Still around, still moving forward, waw and I continue to improve. Last weekend she seemed out of sorts, stayed at mine Friday and Saturday, but left on Sunday "Saying had some things to figure out".

 

Didn't freak out, just left her alone for the week. I could tell there was something troubling her, gave her the space to figure it out.

 

It was the right call. waw came to me last Friday and told me why she'd been 'withdrawn' all week.

 

She's been deep in thought about her relationship with her sisters, about her life growing up, and how it has affected her. Her discussions in therapy seem to have taken her to places she's been afraid to visit for much too long. But, she's resolved to go there now and face up to the pain it has caused her.

 

To do that she needed time and space to think.

 

She's reached out to her sisters and received positive feedback , which has meant a lot to her.

 

And she's also been grateful to me for recognising her need for that time and space, without jumping in and interfering (Old Guy Issue). Growing more trust in me, and confidence of herself.

 

We've also discussed MC again. I've asked waw to stick with her IC for now as she is making massive strides with that. I want to look into MC but not now as it may distract her from her progress.

 

The trust building continued the following night Saturday. waw came over, we'd agreed on an evening in as we'd been out Friday night (dinner with my Brother and his Wife), and we were out last night (music concert).

 

As we were staying in, i'd texted her to "dress appropriately (or inappropriately..!)". Although she replied "I don't understand" she must have figured it out as she came over in a long coat and not much underneath (strappy top, short skirt, fishnets, heels).

 

I told her she looked d*mn good, and got a whole lot of bluster about how she feels like she looks fat, has lots of weight to lose, blah blah (Tip; watch the actions, not the words).

 

Which led on to a conversation about how she struggles with complements. Being called "gorgeous", "pretty", "sexy", "hawt", etc. She doesn't like being thought of in that way as it reminds her of her past where she felt like she was just thought of as a sexual object.

 

I reassured her that although yes, I think of her sexually, I don't think of her as a sexual object. For instance, when I meet her on her street, and say "hey gorgeous", I'm not looking at her a$$, her Pu$$y, her t1ts. I'm looking at her face, her eyes. They shine, there's life in them again. She glows, and that's what's 'gorgeous'. She accepted that.

 

She also admitted to still being afraid of opening up to me. That I would eventually throw what she says back in her face. Breaching her trust by stomping on how she feels. I've done it before, too many times.

 

I told her (again) that I can't promise i'll never Fk up. Say something stupid. But that I'm working on NOT being the guy she was married to. That we're both staring anew. A whole new relationship, but aware that we are coming from a bad one. Not pretending it didn't happen, but building from it. She accepted that too. Even commenting this morning on the way back from the gym that she liked being able to discuss something contentious and not have the evening go downhill. (has happened before)

 

Having cleared the air we both moved on and had a great night. Watched a movie, then put on another movie something a bit more... risque. We didn't get past the first 20 minutes.

 

I tried out a couple new moves, and introduced a new item. A battery operated vibe. All of which worked very well and were very well received!

 

Which brings up (pun intended) an issue i've been having recently. We've been playing with bedroom "D/s" the last few months. Which has been enjoyed by both of us. However, I've been having an 'issue' with stamina. Maybe it's an age thing, but maybe it's something else. Went to see the doc. Heart and lungs sound clear. Maxed out the spirometer (lung function test). BP a little high, but not a problem. Blood tests to wait on. Cholesterol, lipids, etc. I asked her to add a testosterone check.

 

Picked up some Cialis to try out. Doc was going for Viagra, hadn't even heard of Cialis. It seems to be helping, a lot, but I'm still struggling with my headspace for some reason. I need to learn to be able to just let go. Perhaps I'm still so focussed on 'Domming' that I forget I need to have a good time too.

 

Stopped by a sex shop on the way back from the gym Sunday morning. This is a good thing as she's always been reluctant to go in before. She was actively browsing the outfits and items, with interest. She actually said she wants handcuffs, but the fur lined ones. I showed her a cat (o nine tails) and we discussed the MASSIVE trigger that punishment, including spanking, causes in both of us. I explained that if we ever did experiment with 'punishment', it would be just for fun. That I'd never use it to hurt her, cause her pain. She was surprisingly OK with that.

 

So, despite her occasional but diminishing protestations that she has trouble trusting me, her actions state otherwise. She finds reasons to come over, to be around. Me. The guy she had lost faith in.

Edited June 1, 2015 by Day.One

[Day.One]

When she left yesterday morning, we agreed to meet up later. So I drop her a text at 12:45, laying out a plan for the evening. For her to come over at 5, then we go to the gym, back here, shower, and i'll bbq dinner, then relax in the yard, followed by a movie on the couch. Then breakfast and a country walk in the morning.

 

She calls AT 5, like right on the nose of 5, saying she only just checked her texts. And she's not joining me for the gym, as she only just put a load of laundry in.

 

She can tell I'm disappointed and goes into full pre-emptive strike. That's she's not going to apologise for not checking her phone, that if I'm going to be disappointed, "oh well".

 

I know it's just "shields up", and I don't react. Just let it flow. Just suggest that she come over at 7 instead for dinner.

 

She's probably seeing 'old guy' in her head, and TBH, i'm kinda feeling 'old guy'. I'm disappointed when she is slow to answer (which happens, a lot), and not check to see if I've communicated with her when we agree to make plans. For over 4.5 hours. She's defensive, and i'm ticked.

 

And this is when, historically, we run into trouble. When one of us is steamed and the other doesn't want to admit fault, or see where the problem comes from.

 

Off to the gym, alone. Steamed.

 

.

.

.

.

.

 

However...

 

waw came over last night, as (re)arranged. And I gently eased into discussing what happened earlier. When she had called me to tell me she'd only just read the text, my response was "oh". And that "oh", in her head, was 25 years of her feeling i was disappointed in her. That "oh" was me saying "you fked up, again. You're useless." Along with 40+ years of hearing it from her family.

 

So, yeah, shields up.

 

Also, she's deathly afraid that I will go back, to being OG. That she is waiting for the backlash, the fall off the tightrope. For the dream to go back to being a nightmare. She's scared that because i'm not in IC, I will falter in my progress.

 

I just listened. and the more I just listened, the more she said, opened up. She would look at me for any signs of annoyance, rejection, and found none. And she relaxed.

 

I held her and let her know that the "oh" was only because of that instance. Not weighed down by years of baggage. I won't throw the past in her face. But also realise that we have more triggers than a ww2 sea mine! That if we wanted 'easy' we'd just split and start over with someone new. But that's not what either of us want. We still want each other, that's the 'hard' option. But so worth it.

 

I was disappointed, but I wasn't pissed, That I would just have to learn to communicate in a different way. If i had an important message to get across, not to simply text and expect it to be read (on the schedule I may have had in my head), but to call and speak to her instead.

 

And we worked it out. And took the time to appreciate that a conversation like this would always have ended badly, in the past. But now, they don't. The 'atmosphere' was dispelled, the evening continued. And ended VERY well!

 

So, we're continuing to improve in learning to work things out. When there's a 'problem', a difference of opinion. Instead of scoring points and both trying so hard to be 'right', we back off and no longer try to 'win' (which ultimately results in a lose for both parties), but discuss what's actually going on. And, even if we don't agree, we disagree amicably.

 

Onwards and upwards.

[Day.One]

Talking to waw Friday night, she admitted to being worried about "disappointing me" if she doesn't move back in September. Like it was more important than doing what she felt was right, for her. She feels that she doesn't like disappointing people. Toxic shame, imo.

 

I told her that it's important that she do what's right for her, than be untrue to herself. Both in regard to September, and in life. But that part of her growing in strength recently is that she is able to verbalise something like that. And she's on the way to being able to make those kind of decisions, without being influenced by whether other are 'disappointed' by her choices.

 

She also said that sometimes i'm 'hard work' during discussions. And that's fair. My mind races around a lot, often way out in left field, and others find it hard to keep up. I get too wrapped up in my own headspace, forgetting that others are along for the ride.

 

Now, I could see that as a criticism, and OG may have done. But I'm able to see it for what it is. Something I can think about. Not necessarily change, but bear in mind when interacting with people. Especially when conversing. Ask myself, is this first reply, response, retort the most appropriate one? Sometimes it isn't, as it's often jokey, non sequitur, sometimes even subconsciously designed to throw the conversation off balance. So dial down the speed between head and mouth, allowing a better conversation to take place.

 

Good feedback, from someone who thought they couldn't talk to me without causing a fight, in the past. We'e able to actually talk to each other without pi$$ing each other off.

 

Which is a vast improvement for us as we both come from a history of being told we're 'wrong' so often.

 

And obviously when two people who are not good about expressing how they feel, and when they do, it's to a partner who instantly feels 'threatened' by that expression, it doesn't (or didn't) end well.

 

That's improving. We communicate, and listen, better, to each other. But it's not always easy. Case in point, as we were leaving mine this evening, literally ready and walking out the door, to walk her home and collect my bike, waw decided it was necessary to clean up some bits n pieces from the kitchen counter and out them away.

 

I told it was OK, that I would finish it up when I got back. Which flared her up. To her it was important that she do this. To do something nice (square the kitchen away) before she left. By telling her she didn't need to do that, was denying her what she felt to be important. To her, it feels like I do a lot to 'please her' but don't allow her to reciprocate. And I struggled with just accepting that. To me, it was not required for her to square away my house before she left. I eventually let it go, but felt like I was giving something up by not having my point accepted.

 

Which, 1/2 hour later, just felt LB. And lame.

 

But as I said to her, our problem, in the past, is not the lovey dovey stuff, we have that down. Always have. It's when we fail to mesh. When we both have a point of view, but neither of us are able to accept the other side, or compromise. We ended up doing whatever it took, to 'win'. And making the other feel like cr*p if we felt like we'd 'lost', or not been listened to. "If I'm not happy, you're not going to be either".

 

We've dealt better with it when that comes up, recently. But, again as I said to waw, going forward we will need to work on that, improve it, if this new relationship is to be sustained. And that will include MC.

 

I wonder if the "Don't tell me not to clean up before I leave", and her occasion small flare ups are some form of S test.

 

Do I think she consciously does it? No. I think it comes from a feeling she has, of inbalance. That I hold more 'power' in the relationship right now. She is currently struggling with what she is dealing with in therapy, as well as trying to figure out what she wants, who is is, and her finances. I get the impression that she finds me having it more 'together', than she does since the separation. Maybe more than she expected.

 

That may sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I've put a lot of work into me, and she see's the results. It's probably confusing to her, as she remembers who she used to be with, and who I am now. So she is trying to find out who this guy is. If she can believe in who I am now, if she can trust in the changes. She definitely likes this guy, but was married to someone... else previously.

 

I used to be belittle her, diminish her, left her feeling alone. Hard to write, but true. Now I take care of her, look after her, she feels 'safe'.

 

Earlier that day we had to go grocery shopping, but waw confessed to being a little short of cash right now, due to messing up her utilities account at the apt. When we got to the store I said I would take care of her groceries for the week. She obviously had a hard time accepting that, but as I explained to her, I recently got a healthy refund from my utilities due to an overpayment. An overpayment that probably occurred when we were still together. So essentially it was our money.

 

Was I bailing her out? That could be said, but OTOH, OG may have kept the money. LB may have said "FU, you're on your own". I chose not to take either path. I'm not the same guy I was going into this separation.

 

I've paid for the recent outings, the holidays, the dinners (for the most part). With the project income, regular OT, side work, my slightly better salary, I'm in better financial shape than she is.

 

It's thing's like that that make her may make her feel like I have the 'power', the upper hand, but that's not my goal. I've been very careful to check myself to make sure I'm not trying to be 'better' than her.

 

To me, it's about dating the woman I want to be with. Not by saying "I'm doing better than you", but doing the things I should have done, but failed to do so for too many years. Financially, emotionally, lovingly. And it is confusing to her. IMO.

 

So if she is testing me, it's to reassure herself that it's OK to let herself fall for me again.

[Day.One]

Took waw to see San Andreas last night. (Sucks, BTW. Remember 2012 the movie? Just as bad as that).

 

However, waw told me about her therapy session earlier that evening. She'd talked about the inequality discussions we'd had. And that she had struggled with being able to resolve the feelings about it herself. That she had 'shut down' instead of working herself through it. But that she was grateful and appreciative because I'd then come to her and taken charge of finding a way through it. Together, calmly, with no conflict.

 

I'm probably not putting it quite right, and so it sounds less than it is, but she's realising that she does 'shut down', often after expressing herself (sometimes loudly!) over whatever is bothering her. Or she just 'shuts down' and seethes.

 

(IMO, because she feels 'bad' for expressing herself. She expects to be told she's 'wrong' as that's what she's been used to, her entire life).

 

But,

a) She's realising that's what she does, and working on it. Along with the other issues she's avoided for too long. And I see it happening, in her.

b) She's trusting in me, to help her. The guy that was a continuation of her life of being put down, belittled, dismissed. But is no longer seen as that. By her. Because she see's me differently.

 

We're both changing.