Day One...

[Day.One]

A good weekend with waw, camping with friends, and hiking the Lake District (me, not waw, bad knees). Only one small hiccup just as we were arriving back in town. I offered to drop her off and then go home and unpack, air the tent, etc.

 

She didn't really say anything at the time, but when we arrived at mine she was kinda getting all dramatic. Being snippy, throwing the tent poles around. Defences were way up.

 

Instead of reacting (the old escalation game), I just asked what was wrong, and then asked her to come to me and I held her and waited.

 

It took her a while to relax and realise that this wasn't going to be a fight, and eventually she opened up. She'd felt like I was dismissing her, pushing her away, making her feel like I'd just assumed she wouldn't want to help clean up after the weekend. And because of that she felt had no value. Was 'bad'.

 

It is a legacy item, tbh, from before. I am kinda "i'll just take care of it, no help required". Not a good trait for me to have, especially when paired with someone who has strong triggers about feeling ignored, put to one side, too often in her life.

 

Something I need to work on, to realise that even when I may not need the help to accept it anyway. In this case, she knew I was in pain from the weekend and all the driving (650 miles) and wanted to help, and I'd rejected that offer. That's on me.

 

I was almost postal on the way home from being so tired and hurting. 300+ miles home in traffic in a non -automatic car wore my dead legs out. And It took 2 hours more than I originally thought to battle down to Leicester to visit my brother on the way. By the time we got back to mine I was exhausted. But I made it clear to waw (who was shutting down as she was seeing 'old, angry me" in her head), that it wasn't her, I was just venting.

 

But, because we dealt with the situation differently, NOT escalated, we were able to work it out. I listened instead of shut down, and she was able to open up instead of shut down.

 

Took a few minutes to resolve the problem, instead of days of cold war with no real resolution. She came to me later and apologised for having the tantrum.

 

 

Apart for that, we'd done really well all weekend. A LOT of unforced free flowing discussion on the road, and a lot of laughing. Usually car rides are silent. Things are continuing to change.

 

 

 

But there is still a fear, of my disapproval, of her. We'd planned on going to the gym tonight (i'm a glutton for punishment perhaps!), but she called to ask if she could go out for a catch up coffee with a girlfriend.

 

I could hear the nervousness in her voice when she asked if it was OK. (made me feel like a heel). Told her it was fine, that i'm learning to be flexible, she's learning to use her voice. It's all good.

 

In my head I could hear the alternate old guy version of the conversation, "we've made plans, they can't be changed!" and went the opposite way.

 

I could tell by the lightness in her voice. She's happy as she has 'permission' to be herself, my legs are ecstatic not to be going to the gym, and we still go tomorrow after her counselling (which is when we usually go anyway).

 

Why was it so hard to be as simple as this before?!

 

It's like her work email. I'd emailed her hours ago to let her know we'd meet at her's. Heard nothing back. OG would be all steamed over feeling ignored. I just texted her later instead, to be sure.

 

She called right back. Her emails have been down all day. OG would have been pi££ed over nothing.

 

I'm doing this right!

[Day.One]

Goofed the other night.

Was supposed to meet waw for the gym, but messed it up. I went straight there instead of going to hers (as I'd arranged with her by text). She got worried when I didn't show up. She even went to mine and I wasn't there. She got very worried as I'm usually very punctual.

She found me as I walked home from the gym. She was worried I'd be mad at her. OG style.

 

He probably would have tried to make it her fault. Blame her for his screwup.

 

I didn't. I owned it, accepted it. Went down on bended knee right there on the street (not easy right now!) and kissed her hand.

She was just afraid I would be mad at her. I could see it in her as she walked up to me. Rips my heart out to see what I've done.

[Day.One]

A good evening yesterday (local beer festival), with a couple of flare ups.

 

waw is of the opinion that I "never" accept help from her, and 'always' push my help onto her. This came from a minor offer of help during the evening. But elicited a strong reaction. She may have a point, I'm still not great at accepting help. However, in this instance I genuinely didn't need it. Stuck to my guns and stayed on this particular instance instead of going down the "list of times I've accepted her help" route. She still wasn't happy, but as I didn't escalate there wasn't anywhere for her to go on it. So it fizzled out.

 

And that I need to 'back off' telling her what to wear. I want her to improve her wardrobe, a lot of her stuff is old, not flattering. But i've been pushing it on her, before she's ready. She has a poor body image and doesn't feel ready to upgrade her clothes. So my pushing is not helping. It's making her feel that I'm being controlling. And I think she is right.

 

It led us onto discussing controlling Vs Dom. And I looked back over the last few weeks, and realised that I'm drifting into being controlling outside the bedroom, and not dom in the bedroom. Something she's noticed. I'm pushing during the day, then beta-ing at night. To the point where she has to initiate, then hand it back to me. Not a good direction. Making the mistake of thinking control is being dom. Time for some self 2x4ing. As waw again told me, she wants to be dommed, in the bedroom, but not out. A hard boundary. And TBH, a good one. So I can have fun being 'in control', but not all the time, as I'm still not handling it well.

 

 

What was different about last night, was that even after bringing up area's of friction, potential conflict, there was no heat, atmosphere. We discussed it, stated our sides, then moved on. And neither of us bunkered up. A vast improvement.

 

And then we went home and had a d*mn good session.

[PlasticMan]

Thanks Day-One. You are truly inspiring. I am learning a lot through for feed

[Day.One]

Just an update:

 

Still around. Had to put my dog to sleep and bury her. Then my dad died less than a week later. Funeral is this Thursday. Not close to him, he bailed when Us when we were kids, and never wanted a connection to us. But having two deaths, so close together, knocked me on my a$$ for a while there.

 

Head getting a little clearer. Was an 'ok' weekend. Took Wife out Friday night for live music, where we had a good talk, including some normally contentious subjects, without any problems.

 

She's worried I'm not letting her in, right now, because I was there for her with both her parents passing and she doesn't feel like she's allowed to be there for me. I told her I appreciate her concerns, and that I also appreciate her reaching out. That I know she's there, she's not 'invisible' to me (something she felt before D-Day).

 

Also spent time people watching. Checking out women (both of us. Free pass to check out ladies, oh yeah!). Had a lot of fun with that. She wanted my opinion on the outfits being worn. So I slipped into the "gay best friend" persona and we had a good 'Joan Rivers' session! Led into a discussion about body image. She knows she has a lot of weight to lose, and feels self concious about it. She also mentioned (for the 1st time that I recall) wanting breast reduction. She'd a DD and has always wanted to be smaller.

 

Also watched some somewhat drunk ladies spanking each other, hard. Would have given anything to know what Wife was thinking while that was going on. "spanking can be fun?...Hmmmm"

Dropped her at her home afterwards.

 

Saturday morning, met Wife in town, went suit shopping.

 

Trouble with being my shape is that the top half is WAY bigger than the bottom. While the waistcoat and jacket fit really well (17" neck, 42" chest ), the matching pants are a 36 waist", so the alterers are having to take in 2.5". I'm getting my other suit done as well. Getting the jacket tapered and trousers reduced. It USED to fit me, back when I was a lot bigger (read: fatter), so great to have to get it made smaller.

 

Kept myself busy around the house the rest of the weekend. Little jobs, but kept my head active.

 

Gym with Wife Sunday morning. She hasn't been for a couple weeks due to sciatica. And she's (finally) been diagnosed with degenerative arthritis in her knees, and referred on to a physio. So she has to find exercises that don't tax her knees, and do the suggested ones that build up her thigh muscles, which will help her knees.

 

Took her to breakfast, walked her home. Kept busy all day. Did have a 'moment' while thinking about my dad and the regrets. Allowed myself to feel that.

 

Then met Wife and walked her to dinner where we met up with oldest son and his girlfriend. A good evening out.

 

Youngest son is NOT moving back in Sept. He's moving in with his fiancées family. Only time Wife and I came close to falling out was while discussing him. So we backed off. But an R with him is just not meant to be right now. He's still incredibly 'angry'. But about what I'm not sure. Maybe he feels I was too hard on him. Maybe he feels like he failed in some way. But until he chooses to work on himself there's no longer anything I can do.

 

He's a mk2 of me. Lot of 'anger'. But a lot more physically expressed than I ever did. A lot of broken door panels in this house, from him 'expressing himself' and one at Wife's apt. And he's been able to cross the line of hitting me. He hasn't done it to Wife, though he treats her like sh*t. Lying, stealing, cheating on his fiancée, and not learning from his mistakes. No consequences to his actions.

 

Putting us in the same room, right now, would end badly. Time is needed. For him to grow up, and for me to work on my own issues. Grow stronger, mentally, to be able to handle him. He's not going to his grandfathers funeral. His choice. I'm not happy that he's blowing it off, but also relieved that I won't have to deal with my own emotions on that day, and cope with his anger. I need to be there for my family, to be strong for them. Without distractions.

 

But Wife's definitely committed to coming home. WANTS to come home.

 

Not very exciting, relationship wise. But I've (we've) got to get from here, to there, first. Fix the marriage, the relationship, the trust and communication before we move on to better things.

[understand50]

ON the whole good news............

 

Keep us posted, as I like happy ending.

 

Goof luck to you both.

[Day.One]

Well, it's official, "waw" will no longer be "waw" as of next month, as she's moving home!

[understand50]

Well, it's official, "waw" will no longer be "waw" as of next month, as she's moving home!

 

OK, what does "waw" mean? Looked it up and could not find it.

 

In any case, Congratulations to you and your wife, I like a good ending. You both did much hard work, and it paid off.

[Day.One]

OK, what does "waw" mean? Looked it up and could not find it.

 

 

Walk Away Wife.

[Day.One]

Update on the moving back date.

 

She dropped by last night, briefly and we chatted. We both have vacation time left so we're taking the 7-11th Sept off. She announced that she wants to move back in that week, and asked for my help in doing it.

[hoully81]

Awesome! Great Story of your life the past year.

[Day.One]

She moves back home this week.

[Chronograph]

Wow, interesting! And congrats! Two things that strike me about your story:

 

- You started this thread in the "second chances" section straight away, even though your first post does not suggest that you would get back together. How come you didn't write about it in "Breaking up" or "coping"? Did you kind of know you would get back with her?

 

- I didn't read all of it in all detail but is it right that you never went NC?

 

So is this a rare story where a reconciliation happens without NC? (I mean even with NC reconciliations are more than rare, but without it ... wow, good for you!)

[Day.One]

Wow, interesting! And congrats! Two things that strike me about your story:

 

- You started this thread in the "second chances" section straight away, even though your first post does not suggest that you would get back together. How come you didn't write about it in "Breaking up" or "coping"? Did you kind of know you would get back with her?

 

- I didn't read all of it in all detail but is it right that you never went NC?

 

So is this a rare story where a reconciliation happens without NC? (I mean even with NC reconciliations are more than rare, but without it ... wow, good for you!)

 

The thread was started in Separation and Divorce. I had it moved to second chances around April time(?) when it became apparent things were improved to a point where we had a chance of R.

 

We did go NC for the first 2 months, then LC. It did help. We needed that space, and it made a big difference. But, we realised that lack of communication was one of the things that had driven us apart. So we made it one of the things we worked on when we started 'dating' again.

[Day.One]

Well, "Day One" went well. Spent most of the day after she moved back in prepping and painting the downstairs ceilings. That's not a euphemism BTW!

 

It's been a good way to start off. As I explained it to MrsD, the house is filled with moving boxes, and we're painting the place to suit us. So we're to frame it that we're a new couple, moving into together and starting a new life. Transitional. And that's working.

 

The move went well. I even took the time to fix the broken stairs at the apt. Called it my 'moving out' present to her, and a 'moving in' present to the youngest and his fiancée.

 

Back bedroom is full of her stuff, in boxes for now, and had oldest come over and go through his cr*p in the 3rd bedroom, with the plan to be to turn into a craft room for MrsD.

 

The main bedroom has been used for more than sleeping, more than a few times, in the last week.

 

We've also discussed rings and the resuming of wearing of. And we both want to do so, to mark the beginning of this new marriage. So that will also happen this week.

She and I continue to move forward during the week. Working on the house, mainly the downstairs living and dining area. Ceilings painted, wood floor sanded and first two coats of varnish applied. Made for a long week off, if you throw in moving her stuff back here (another full day).

 

I even squeezed in an instructed pt session (last minute cancellation, offered to me at a reduction). Beast of a session. But a lot of new ideas and exercises to add in to my workouts.

 

I should be exhausted, but I'm not. Just keep finding more energy. On top of everything else we've been working on, I've been getting the craft room ready for when she wakes up. Not entirely altruistic, or beta, she needs space to unpack her stuff, now she has the space. And no excuses for not getting organised.

 

No problems found so far. A small flare up by her over where the furniture will go once the floor was dry. She thought I was blowing off her ideas, something I have been guilty of in the past. Didn't react, get defensive, or argue. Just asked her to help me understand what she was feeling. Which seemed to defuse that situation. Otherwise all good. She's been very cuddly and touchy. Even found she's been drawing lovehearts on the kitchen whiteboard!

[Day.One]

24th Wedding Anniversary today! Yay us!

[Day.One]

Time for another update.

Cliff notes:

 

Works going well. Now Team Lead for my site and dept Team Lead when my boss is away. PDR score is the highest I've gotten in 5 years.

 

I'm in the best shape I've been, in years. Hitting the gym almost daily.

 

We're still going great. The work I've done on myself and the work she has done on herself has been applied and is working. We still get flare up's, but use better methods to work out problems. We're even beginning to experiment with D/s, a product of me working hard on being dominating without being domineering. She trusts in this 'new guy', rather than be afraid of the 'old guy'.

 

I still struggle with being WAY too hard on myself, and to dial it back. Stop overthinking, feeling 'not good enough'. That I've failed in some way. So decided to back into counselling to work on that.

[Day.One]

Just going to leave an update:

 

We celebrated our Silver Anniversary last weekend. Renewed our vows, had a reception party with all our family and friends, dressed up and essentially got 'married' again.

 

It's been a long and tough road back from separation. But ultimately worth it. Had to scrape away all the BS and baggage to re-find what we already knew about each other. That we didn't want to give up, walk away.

 

So, if it's important, to both of you, fight for it. MAKE it work. Find a way. It can happen.

[Day.One]

Are "zombie threads" a thing around here? Ah well, I wanted to swing by and post an update.

 

Still doing OK. Still working my a££ off at being "NG". Which in this instance is not "Nice Guy", but "New Guy". And I'm doing it. Much happier than who I was back on D-Day. More confident, assertive. But also more.. diplomatic, less prone to losing my rag and being controlling. An Ahole. And I feel so much better for it. Lighter, less stressed, anxious. I still have my darker times, but I can cope with them, process and move through them now.

 

Still at the gym, regularly. Getting decent weights, IMO, and currently 'cutting' for the last 6 weeks, so i'm down 14lbs or so, and looking the best I've looked in years. I used to be up around 225 and a 36" waist. Now i'm 187 and the 32" pants I bought last year are getting a little loose! Turned 50 in January, but don't look like most 50 year old's I know. Except up in the hairline area, but hey, genes, what can you do!

 

Still got the same job. Coworker complaints are a distant memory now. But positive evaluations are still a bi-yearly happening. We have been suffering from a lot of axe swinging since being bought out, and my team have been in danger a couple of times. I considered quitting, but chose to hold the course, as i knew something would come along and make things better. I refused to just run away just because things 'looked' bad. And that faith, in my abilities and 'usefulness', seems to have turned out, as I've been offered, and started training for, a better position at another location much closer to home. One that has a much more to offer, but is still within the same company. So I get to keep my job, pension, medical, benefits, etc. I just will be doing it at a better site.

 

And, I'm still with the same woman. We, as individuals, and as a couple, haven't been this happy in a long long time. She's still in counselling, as it turns out she had a lot more to deal with out of the two of us. But instead of being afraid of me, she now leans on me, trusts me. The "new guy". As she, more than anyone, see's that I've put the old guy to rest, defeated him. We've even taken to exploring D/s. Something that would have been unthinkable in the past. But, also, it has helped both of us look at our abusive childhood's. Face our fears. Replace our memories of being hurt, by those that were supposed to love us, protect us, with happier memories.

 

We still have our bumps. And probably always will. But that's something everyone has to deal with. It's how we do it now that is different.

 

I have a good life, now. And a good woman in my life.

[SpecialJ]

This is beautiful. I'm glad you resurfaced this thread because it shows how much work a person needs to do for themselves, no matter what age, to reach a successful reconciliation. It was hard for me to read this (I have some empath tendencies, and your pain was evident), but I'm so glad you got through this with so much self improvement and reclaimed happiness!