mercuryshadow Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 This is a bit of an odd situation, but I'll try to be brief and concise. For about 3 years, I had a fantastic spiritual teacher; an ordained monk. During his time with our place of worship, he asked me to become his assistant, and we developed a close friendship. I am a female, BTW. He was an amazing teacher and helped me in a lot of ways. I think I was enamored with him, but not in a romantic way...he was just very enthralling. I looked up to him. He also had an assistant at our sister center, a little ways away. Over time, during times when he and I were hanging out, he would make comments that seemed inappropriate about the nature of his relationship with his other assistant. I had good cause to believe that they were having an inappropriate relationship. In addition, he had made several comments to me about finding me attractive, which was indeed flattering, but seemed something a monk should not be saying. At any rate, knowing of his inappropriate relationship with his other student/assistant made me distance myself from him and decline the role of assistant going forward. A few months after this, a new monk was transferred in, and my old teacher took on the sole responsibity of the sister center. Over time, my teacher has reached out to me to come visit him. I never felt comfortable telling him how I truly felt about this relationship he was having with the other assistant...I don't think he realized that I knew. And so, I have declined his invites to visit. I do miss him and think of him fondly. He was still an amazing teacher. I will be attending an event that he will also be attending next month. I am wondering if I should tell him about what I knew/how I felt and why I distanced myself from him. I am not sure if it would be worth it. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 It depends on what YOU would be hoping, wanting and/or expecting to get out of telling him, mercuryshadow. Personally, if I try to put myself in your shoes, I cannot see a reason to tell him. But I'm not in your shoes. In the past, I have had a couple of people who I held as mentors, hit on me after some time. It was enough to "burst the bubble", so to speak...it was my own perception or "version" of them that was distorted, right from the beginning -- not that they were not also what I thought; only that they were not only that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 What religion does he follow, and which tradition is he associated with? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Thank you... My distance from him happened quite suddenly and I think a lot of things were left unsaid. I feel he may not fully understand why I resigned as his assistant. What am I looking to gain from telling him? I'm not sure...closure, perhaps? Finding out this "secret" of his caused me to distrust him. And my view of him changed. I don't plan on walking up to him and confronting him, but I am certain that when he sees me, he will want to talk. At that point, I'm not sure of what benefit withholding the truth would serve, or vice-versa. I'd prefer to be honest with him, but I'm not even sure how I'd say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) We are western Buddhists. When monks/nuns in our tradition are ordained, one of their vows is celibacy. Edited September 19, 2014 by mercuryshadow Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I suspected Buddhism, hence my question... Zen? Pure Land? Tibetan? Thai Forest Tradition Theravada? New Kadampa? I just want to clarify to many who are unaware that some monks, from some traditions are perfectly entitled to have partners and even marry.... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Ah, you edited as I was replying. That puts a different light on it. He could get into big trouble, actually, depending on his Tradition.... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 everyone sins...differently...i dont know how you found out about how he was inappropriate with his assistant ...is it a way in that you know for sure that it is true? being honest....i dont think it would serve any purpose other than to possibly hurt him more than by your silence to make him feel guilty and considering the order he is with ...make him feel unclean ...possibly....or he could not care at all on the view you hold of him.... besides the fact he broke his vows......you state that he was a teacher that you admired..... so why not write a letter for yourself for closure...write everything that you felt by his actions and write how you feel now.....then rip it up.......and go into meeting him with the idea that he was a teacher who taught you many things.......if he approaches you in a sexual manner or makes you feel uncomfortable tell him his actions are not something you appreciate......and that he must refrain from saying things in this manner to you it is an awkward situation to be in for you.....i hope whatever you do decide...that you find the closure you need....deb Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I'd still like to know the specific tradition..... This depends on many things..... Celibacy is one thing, behaviour is another. It doesn't do to confuse the two.... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 It's none of your business. They were consenting adults. If he approaches you, be polite but make excuses to cut the conversation short and talk to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 (edited) I'd still like to know the specific tradition..... This depends on many things..... Celibacy is one thing, behaviour is another. It doesn't do to confuse the two.... We are from the Kadampa Tradition. I honestly wish he'd never told me of his inappropriate relations with his other assistant. I've actually been struggling with this for about two years now. I wanted to check my intention in regards to what I was hoping to accomplish. He's been asking to see me and I've been putting him off for all this time. Now that I know I'll be seeing him soon, I need to decide on what to do. Edited September 20, 2014 by mercuryshadow Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 Now that I know I'll be seeing him soon, I need to decide on what to do. If you feel compelled to tell him anything, you could just tell him that you chose/are choosing to uphold your own values. That while you recognize/appreciate his strengths and talents as a teacher, you also lost respect and admiration for the fact that he decided, made the choice to play around with his vows. That you cannot reconcile within yourself how to continue having any type of relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 I will be attending an event that he will also be attending next month. I am wondering if I should tell him about what I knew/how I felt and why I distanced myself from him. I am not sure if it would be worth it. Any thoughts? If he asks you why you became distant, I would be honest. Otherwise, I don't think I'd bring it up. Just by the post here, it doesn't seem like there's any solid evidence about anything going on with the other assistant... You said he made comments that made it seem like there was something on...unless I misunderstood. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 20, 2014 Share Posted September 20, 2014 We are from the Kadampa Tradition. Ah. THAT one. Well in the interests of tact, diplomacy and good manners, I withdraw. I am not prepared to get into a discussion regarding the appropriateness of a monk's behaviour with regards to this tradition, which is already embroiled in controversy anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mercuryshadow Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 Ah. THAT one. Well in the interests of tact, diplomacy and good manners, I withdraw. I am not prepared to get into a discussion regarding the appropriateness of a monk's behaviour with regards to this tradition, which is already embroiled in controversy anyway. I understand. I'm fully aware if the controversies within the tradition. I have no need to defend, but I will say that I have had profound spiritual experience within the tradition over the past decade. And not all of the ordained are bad eggs...my first teacher was a lovely English nun, and the monk who replaced the teacher I have written about is a humble, virtuous, gentle man. I have explored other traditions, but none of them have clicked with me quite like Kadampa. However, I will say that I do not cast a blind eye to the controversy. I've concluded that if I see my old teacher, I will be honest with him without going beyond saying, "I was aware that your relationship with the other assistant had crossed a line, and my view of you changed." Thanks for everyone's input. Link to post Share on other sites
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