When someone's past relationships affect your dating

[irc333]

This is something I've been encountering recently. The last woman I dated had this fear of me turning into the men she's dated in the past. Abusive.

 

Like when she would make me dinner, she would always make remarks like, "I hope you like it, if it's bad...I'll just take you out to dinner!"

 

Once, is fine, but 3 times..its concerning then I was like "okay, what's your deal...how come you keep fearing me NOT liking the meals you make?"

 

She goes, "Well, my ex used to throw food at me if he didn't like it."

 

I was always saying, the food is great...which it was very good. Though I'm not a picky eater...she makes good food.

 

Also, she had a history of men that once they became comfortable in the relationship (esp. when getting sex regularly), they'd show their true colors.

 

You know how they say people tend to put their "best foot forward" when dating...then over time, when things get comfortable...they tend to show their true colors.....well, each time they would just wind up being selfish and psychologically abusive jerks.

 

She did claim I wasn't anything like the other guys, but she was always getting ready for the "other shoe to fall" with me.

 

I mean, you can't be fearing things that may or may not happen in future relationships, right? I mean, just because your EX did it, doesn't mean I'll do it!

[GemmaUK]

I do think there is a case for recognising behaviours here but I do also agree that perhaps she should have not said anything and a 'hope you like it' would have sufficed.

 

The case for recognising behaviours though and how they may pan out in future is valid. Instinct is there for a reason and should be listened to.

 

I dated a guy who, we would go to a bar/coffee shop or convenience store and each and every single time I would choose what I wanted.

Decision made you would think?

He would then suggest a list of 8-10 other options for me to choose from.

 

Literally it would go:

 

Him: What are you having?

 

Me: Glass of Pinot Grigiot please.

 

Him: Do you want a vodka and coke instead?

 

Me: No thanks, just a wine.

 

Him: Maybe you would like Gin and tonic?

 

Me: No,I'm OK with just a glass of wine thanks

 

Him: How about a bacardi and coke or a vodka and lemonade?

 

Me: No thanks, I'll just stick with white wine.

 

Him: Do you want to try a red wine?

 

.........this was how it went every time.....it took ages to get a drink, even buying water at a convenience store was complicated.

 

I asked him why he did this several times and he said he was just offering other suggestions.

 

Just before we split (I broke up with him), He did it again but this time when I asked why he does it each time he said 'because everyone I have dated told me that things were always 'my way' so I am giving you more options'

 

Had he told me that before I may have had a heads up that he was the controlling type much earlier on...

 

How it actually came across at the time it happened was that he was not thinking my decision was good enough.

 

But...he did that with other things too to be honest!

Also I was often in the wrong with him for acting, reacting and behaving as myself rather than acting, reacting and behaving in the same ways his ex's had.

 

I brushed a few instincts under the rug with that guy. I'll never do that again! .

[irc333]

I had this one woman I started to date....that was unattached for 3 to 4 years. Was divorced twice.

 

The reason she was unattached for so long (without even a man in her life) was because EVERY guy she's ever dated tried to "control" her.

 

Now, from what I heard from her and these examples were not really from controlling men...but men who just wanted her to do something that a typical girlfriend would do for their man.

 

I recall an example about she'd get irritated with her last b/f that would get ticked off at her for walking a good distance in front of him. Apparently he prefers a slower pace, but she's a fast paced walker.

 

This and other things like this went on ...she considered THAT controlling and I'm like "What's so hard about walking NEXT to your man"

 

She had some lame excuse like "I'm just a fast walker, that's all" But yet she wasn't considerate enough to walk by her man, taking a leisurely walk, etc. She would do inconsiderate things, but when a man would take issue with any of her strange or inappropriate behavior...she'd call him "controlling"

 

But EVERY man she's ever dated...she referred to as "controlling" so it was really her just being inconsiderate and selfish if this has been a pattern.

 

 

I do think there is a case for recognising behaviours here but I do also agree that perhaps she should have not said anything and a 'hope you like it' would have sufficed.

 

The case for recognising behaviours though and how they may pan out in future is valid. Instinct is there for a reason and should be listened to.

 

I dated a guy who, we would go to a bar/coffee shop or convenience store and each and every single time I would choose what I wanted.

Decision made you would think?

He would then suggest a list of 8-10 other options for me to choose from.

 

Literally it would go:

 

Him: What are you having?

 

Me: Glass of Pinot Grigiot please.

 

Him: Do you want a vodka and coke instead?

 

Me: No thanks, just a wine.

 

Him: Maybe you would like Gin and tonic?

 

Me: No,I'm OK with just a glass of wine thanks

 

Him: How about a bacardi and coke or a vodka and lemonade?

 

Me: No thanks, I'll just stick with white wine.

 

Him: Do you want to try a red wine?

 

.........this was how it went every time.....it took ages to get a drink, even buying water at a convenience store was complicated.

 

I asked him why he did this several times and he said he was just offering other suggestions.

 

Just before we split (I broke up with him), He did it again but this time when I asked why he does it each time he said 'because everyone I have dated told me that things were always 'my way' so I am giving you more options'

 

Had he told me that before I may have had a heads up that he was the controlling type much earlier on...

 

How it actually came across at the time it happened was that he was not thinking my decision was good enough.

 

But...he did that with other things too to be honest!

Also I was often in the wrong with him for acting, reacting and behaving as myself rather than acting, reacting and behaving in the same ways his ex's had.

 

I brushed a few instincts under the rug with that guy. I'll never do that again! .