difficult

[oceans]

Hi!

 

i just need to write maybe this will make me feel a bit better.

i am in a relationship over long distant about 600 km for over a year now.

I am 5 month pregnant and still living far away from my love but i am going to move in with him in about 2 month.

 

right now everything seems to go wrong.

there are some changes due to ia m pregnant.

i am very tired, i have still some problems with eating, and even our intimacy isn`t the same anymore.

we talk and talk hours a evening not bout us but over thngs we need for our baby.

he`s already moving in our flat. and he needs to do this alone. so he`s buying lots of things on his own without even asking me or without telling me what he bought. i just feel left out on one way.

 

we had another kind of argument the last time he stayed with me. and i just felt so hurt after this discussion. he dwelt on the whole week i didn`t want to let him close to me again and to tell him how hurt i was.

on friday i did write him a short mail after he just went offline when we had a chat.

i told him what was going on and what was nagging on me so much.

now he is hurt. and he can`t understand me. cause he says i should have said earlier and some things i wrote aren`t quite right.

 

we didn`t chat yesterday and we won`t today cause i will come back from work very late.

 

i can`t really describe my feelings i am so hurt. it`s such a big pain in my heart. i love him so much. and right now it`s not only the big distance between us that drives us apart. and i am scared.

i don`know. two month more to go and then we will move in together and it`s not working out at all right now

having a baby won`t make the situation easier then.

i am just scared. i am gonna move far away from everything just to be with him - and what`s gonna happen when it`s not working out...

[westernxer]

What will happen? It will get worse, that's what.

 

Oh, and you're moving away to be with him, and you're pregnant with his child, too?

 

Something's definitely wrong here, or maybe it's just me.

[oceans]

Hi!

 

 

You are right something is definetly wrong.

and yeah it`s getting worse. it got worse yesterday.

it seems that we are just stuck.

one little thing is enough to rock everything.

 

i am pregnant with his child. it wasn`t planned but we are both happy and we love our little one a lot.

 

i can feel that it is difficult for a father not being able to be there during the pregnancy. just to have a few weekends. so he is feeling left out too.

 

but that`s no reason to act like this at all.

 

i don`t know how to get out of there again.

we ususally do have a loving relationship, and he is very caring. but right now that all seems to be far away.

 

and the distance is making it even more difficult.

it`s so easy to stay out of each others way wit this long dstance. it`s so easy not to come online, it`s so easy not to reply to messages...

 

 

 

oceans

[westernxer]

You may want to think about whether or not this move is the right thing to do. For the sake of the child, the two of you need to sort things out. Frustration is definitely a part of it, but something needs to be done about the communication issue. I don't know what your argument was about, so it's hard to gauge the situation.

[oceans]

Hi!

 

There are still two more month to go and i have to see wether we can sort out things out. i have to move anyway. cause i can`t stay here i just can`t afford it.

but you are right for the sake of us and the sake of this child we have to find a solution.

 

what are we argueing about?

i feel hurt and i feel hurt by some of his actions. when he starts a discussion on our last evenning together and then decides not to talk with me anymore. and goes to bed just like that.

he trys to change me. and he isn`t accepting some parts of me. so i feel like he is trying to bend me.

he tells me i am not there for him. he has to do everything alone - but on the other hand he doesn`t let me take part. he won`t send me pics of our flat and what he is doing there.

he is buying things without even asking me and when i buy a few baby clothes he`s disappointed that i did this without him.

he is kind of angry cause i am still staying here trying to finish my apprenticeship as far as possible. he`s getting worried about me and teh baby. but what`s really bringing me down and what really makes me sad and feel bad is all this argueing going on.

there are lot of things like that.

some are basics some are only little.

but they all come together.

 

oceans

[westernxer]

The little things... don't you hate that? Sounds like a personality conflict to me. You guys probably just need to get used to each other. The argument phase is common in relationships, especially when you commence sharing the same physical space with your significant other. The two of you may want to spend more weekends together, just so you can get used to the mundane aspect of your relationship.

 

Settling into a new place, not to mention a pregnancy, can add a lot of stress. It can also kill a romance. If the two of you can weather this storm successfully, you'll be okay, but it requires an honest effort on both sides to take your relationship to the next level. Remember, once the kid is born, things will never be like they used to be, but that's what happens when you have kids. You guys need to have a heart-to-heart,

to make sure you're ready for the future.

 

Good luck.

[oceans]

hi

 

The little things... i do hate that yes.

Cause there are enough basics which aren`t working out right now.

we had a chat yesterday.

main topic was that i am putting my work first - his feeling.

my job has been a discussion point before one time or another.

i am a trainee nurse i do work shift - that isn`t quite easy and i always have a work schedule which means it is fixing the times when we can meet.

I know i am taking my job with the responsibility that goes with it.

On Sunday he was feeling so bad about our relationship and everything going on that he wanted me to quit work earlier and to get on the computer and talk to home.

I did plan to leave early before i went to work but in the end i just couldn`t leave cause it was so busy at the children`s emergency.

I couldn`t just go and let my colleague all alone with about 5 children waiting and 4 still getting treatment.

That`s where he is telling me it says everything i am putting my job first. I am not there for him. Every other sick person is more important than him.

That`s not right i am staying at home or coming home earlier when it`s possible and i did that lot of times just to spend more time with him.

I am planning my free days in the work schedule so it is no problem to see him every second weekend and i don`t have to work. Even so that means for me that i have to work often about 7 days in a row.

 

He just went on about how bad he`s feeling most of the time. And i was just sitting there and it was hurting so much.

 

He told me it is my fault that he started to act differently against me. to kind of step back and don`t give me all of his feelings.

the reason - i am putting my job first. i love my job that`s the job i want to do and which is fulfilling me. but i never put it before my relationship.

it`s just not only my daily work i have to do to earn money. i like the work with people and i like the kids.

But i know i can`t take it when he is continuing to act like this.

not talking about us any more, not doing much together when he`s there, it`s he`s getting more cold against me.

 

and i am too sensitive to take it.

I have this big aerials of my mind which realize every little change and make me react equally. he doesn`t need to say anything i can just feel it and then i am reacting

 

i have another night with no sleep behind me except two hours full of nightmares. i am feeling sick and i know it`s just due to the stress.

 

 

oceans

[westernxer]

He sounds like a child... maybe you're better off without him.

 

Maybe someone else can offer another opinion, since I see things from a very cut-and-dried point of view.

[oceans]

Hi!

 

That`s ok and I like the point of view you have cause it really helps me.

Thanks to you a lot.

Our last discussion yesterday wasn`t that hurtful as the other one. wow big step

We still have to talk over some things.

I told him yesterday directly how stressed i am and that i had to lay down most of the day cause of contractions - and that the reason for this isn`t at all my work but his action and his hurtful manners.

We could talk about somethings.

I don`t know wether it will work out now.

I am still hurt a lot, it has made big wounds and there gonna be scars.

I am still not conveinced taht i want him to be there this weekend. But there`s a big ultrasound on friday and at least he has the right to be here for that.

It hurts so much to tell him i love you. cause I feel like my heart has been ripped.

It`s like I gave my heart to him and knew it was save in his hands he will hold it carefully and he will protect it in the palm of his hands. and now it feels like he took one hand off and my heart is there shaking in the cold.

 

The last days were the first time i searched for contact with the little one and just feeling that me and it are one. I always felt my bf there a sa part as well. But there it was just me and the little.

 

oceans

[westernxer]

It`s like I gave my heart to him and knew it was save in his hands he will hold it carefully and he will protect it in the palm of his hands. and now it feels like he took one hand off and my heart is there shaking in the cold.

 

I know exactly how you feel, as do others. Truly, love can kill.

 

Glad your last conversation turned out better. You still need to have a face-to-face to resolve everything, just so you can get all the hurt out of you. Plus you can see how he reacts and get an idea about your future together as a couple.

 

It may be another painful episode, but it's the only way to be sure. However, things might actually improve because of it. Regardless, playing phone tag from so far away isn't going to make it easier. I've been there, and I'll never do it again. For me, long distance romance is history.

 

Keep me posted on what happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

[oceans]

Hey

 

I know you are right.

 

I am just so afraid to get hurt again. Quite cowardly.

I am gonna try to give this weekend a chance.

so he comes on friday and we`ll see what`s going on then.

 

so i definetly need the crossed fingers...

[westernxer]

Just don't push your issues aside and hope for a nice weekend. It's time to face all those ugly demons and figure out how much is real and how much is due to stress. It's normal to have a little fear, but you've got to go through this in order to grow (personal growth at the very least). Ignoring it will just make it worse, considering how close you are to moving.

 

Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

Dear future mommy,

 

some things were taboo just 10 or 20 years ago, but now we all know them. One of the things that is getting revealed these days is that new mothers find themselves trapped and stuck in obligations around their small children. A great percentage of little kids' moms feel depressed and barely enjoy their children, which again has nothing to do with love. I am telling you this as a mother of two. You will experience the most passionate and unconditional love when you have a child. At first you will not be so aware of it, but after a year or two you will understand that you're in love with your child. At the same time, you will feel that your freedom is greatly compromised and will miss the days when you could sleep normally and plan your time as you wished. So why I am writing this? Because you are about to enter a new stage of your life when your strength to cope with life will be challenged. You need to save a lot of energy and not empty the batteries of your emotional, physical, and mental stamina now. It will take quite a while before you get to re-charge them as your life pace will become much faster and intense.

The second taboo is pregnancy depression. Pregnant women get easily over-emotional. They cry almost for no reason, and no reason seems like a huge reason to them. You are very upset with your boyfriend over things that are objectively trivial, minor, and generally irrelevant to your happiness. Honestly, will you be happier if you choose the color of the carpet? Your mind and body (due to sudden inner invasion of hormones, that the little human being in your tummy caused) are in a specific state. Accept your pregnancy as something nice that will end very soon and accept the fact that you're not being you right now. I hope you live in a healthy environment; if not you should make sure people in your home understand that you and your baby need peace. Same for your boyfriend.

Thirdly, your boyfriend, as all men in this world, wants to bring decisions independently. He has done that the whole his life (unless he has been married for long before he met you). He feels like decorating the apartment on his own because that's what he would do if you weren't there. Don't worry, it will take a little time for him to adjust to the new circumstances. Moreover, by nagging about it, you're losing points in unnecessary fields. Save your nagging for more important issues, because they will come (they always do) and that is where you need to show your attitude. Furthermore, men don't like women who nag. It turns them off. It's good to communicate, but sometimes you just need to let things go. Whatever you do, talk calmly and friendly (you're in the same team, you're not enemies) and come up with a mutually accepted solution. Nagging is destructive, finding a solution is constructive. Represent your thoughts, explain them and make sure he understands what the heck you're talking about, because men very often don't. You're saying a logical and obvious thing, repeating it a hundred times, and they seem to not hear you at all. Make sure you explain the problem without accusing him (that's the moment when men become deaf - when we accuse them) and only for the purpose of finding a solution, not letting him know what a bad person he is. Indeed, most of the times they hurt us unintentionally. They are the way they are, god (or whoever) created them like that, it's not their fault. Take them or leave them. He is not perfect. Nobody is. Neither are you, believe it or not. This is the time when you have to prove that you will accept his faults and try to smoothen the rough edges of his imperfections. You need to make certain adjustments as well.

Finally, all relationships have problems, but most of the time they are solved. By being sweet to him you will provide a nice future for the two of you and avoid much bigger issues. Some relationships have huge problems that leave permanent damage. But you're lucky it's not the case with you. Do you really expect perfection? Be aware that he will do and say lots of things that will piss you off (your child will too), but what's important is to not make drama out of everything. You will move in to live with him soon and it will be a significant change for you. So far you have only shared fun; from now on you will share a lot more than that, you will share everything. It will not be fun all the time. You will experience difficult times and boring moments as well. The sooner you accept that the better you will feel long-term. If you question your lifetime decision every time he does something stupid, eventually you will be emotionally falling apart.

You should also know that when a child comes before the couple had the chance to actually enjoy their time together, the sparkle usually fades away in a flash. So you should be extremely careful how you handle your issues. You need to "walk on eggs" and gently resolve what MUST be resolved.

After all, he is only human and has a right to make mistakes. And don't forget that words like "please, let me suggest.." sound much better than "I want..." Don't insult his personality if he hurt you. Concentrate on the problem itself and how to handle it and not on what his deeds speak about him.

I wish you the best of luck and a healthy and lovely girl or a boy!

[oceans]

Hi!

@ westernxer

My weekend is over now. it is evenning and my boyfriend just left.

We talked, but more we had time together. This did do us some good.

We enjoyed the ultrasound together ( by the way it`s gonna be a girl ) but there`s still some holding back.

i think only time can show wether this will work out.

I have some free days on easter where we gonna have a short holiday together. and there it will show wether this will last.

@ RecordProducer

I think I live in a quite healthy environment.

Being pregnant has brought big changes to my life and I am feeling happy with the situation now.

My boyfriend is of course a man (and man act very strange sometimes

I won`t try to change him or try to cut his indeonedence. And the point in the whole thing above isn`t at all that he bought things but that he doesn`t give me the feeling to be part of it.

I know relationships have problems. but I think even more now a child is involved you need to see wether this are things that can be solved or not.

 

@

[westernxer]

Glad your weekend was good. You're right, time will tell, and I think you've got the right attitude.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[RecordProducer]

Hi, Oceans! I'm glad that everything is okay with your baby girl and I wish you a happy motherhood. Things will work out, don't worry. It's not easy to be pregnant. Don't worry so much, your boyfriend loves you. You will be together soon. Isn't it what you wanted? He is worried about you and the baby, he needs to provide for both of you also, and settle the new apartment for you. Don't ruin things before they even started. I understand what's bothering you, but it's really not the end of the world. He is allowed to make mistakes. You make them too.