How is the best way a MM can end the A?

[I'mNotYours]

Reading on this forum for quite some time now I've read about many different ways how the A ended (well..in most cases the A does end at some point), and it made me think.

 

I think "throwing under the bus" is one of the worst ways. And/or the MM saying that you didn't mean anything to him and just cuts you out of his life. But I've seen endings where the MM tries to end it by saying that "you deserve much better, and I can't give you what you want and need", but it seems like some OWs interpret it as if the MM don't care about them and asks "how can he just let me go so easily?" and they don't see it like a act of kindness.

 

What do you..XOWs..think is the best way to end an A? And how did your A end, and how do you wish it would have ended?

 

In my case my XMM tried to end the A many times. I didn't want the A to end, and I broke NC several times. At first he was confused and needed time to think. Then he figured out he wants to work on his marriage, and in the end he said that we have to end it, because he can't give me what I want.

 

My dream scenario would have been that he would chose me, get a divorce and we could be together, but that wasn't what he wanted. I was also thinking "how can he just let me go?", but if it had to end, I guess the way it ended was the best way (and then I saw some pictures on Facebook, and as some of you know, I got angry and we had a fight and haven't talked since ).

[SoleMate]

I'd suggest decisively and with dignity and certainty for the OW.

 

But even a really bad ending is better than a continued A in 99.6% of cases.

[Lovemesomehim]

Reading on this forum for quite some time now I've read about many different ways how the A ended (well..in most cases the A does end at some point), and it made me think.

 

I think "throwing under the bus" is one of the worst ways. And/or the MM saying that you didn't mean anything to him and just cuts you out of his life. But I've seen endings where the MM tries to end it by saying that "you deserve much better, and I can't give you what you want and need", but it seems like some OWs interpret it as if the MM don't care about them and asks "how can he just let me go so easily?" and they don't see it like a act of kindness.

 

What do you..XOWs..think is the best way to end an A? And how did your A end, and how do you wish it would have ended?

 

In my case my XMM tried to end the A many times. I didn't want the A to end, and I broke NC several times. At first he was confused and needed time to think. Then he figured out he wants to work on his marriage, and in the end he said that we have to end it, because he can't give me what I want.

 

My dream scenario would have been that he would chose me, get a divorce and we could be together, but that wasn't what he wanted. I was also thinking "how can he just let me go?", but if it had to end, I guess the way it ended was the best way (and then I saw some pictures on Facebook, and as some of you know, I got angry and we had a fight and haven't talked since ).

 

My affair ended by finding out the truth about him before I got in too deep. Best decision I ever could have made for myself.

[Lovemesomehim]

One more thing. I think exposing the affair to the BS is the worst way an ow/om, could end the affair, especially when they entered into the affair with eyes wide opened.

[still_an_Angel]

MM is over a decade older than me and feels protective a lot of time. He said that if I do find someone that I like/want to have a full relationship with, he will never stand in the way. He will be sad that there will be no more us but he wants me to be happy. He has always believed that it will be me who will want out of this A partly due to my status as 'available' for a relationship than him, who is still M. He has said that he will always be there for me if I need a friend because we have enough in our relationship to keep a friendship going, its not all about the physical side of things.

[I'mNotYours]

I'd suggest decisively and with dignity and certainty for the OW.

 

But even a really bad ending is better than a continued A in 99.6% of cases.

 

I know you're right, but sometimes I wish my XMM would have wanted to continue the A instead of letting me go...wanted to keep my in his life somehow instead of living his life without me. Because his "I can't give you what you want" is actually "I don't want to give you what you want, because I want to stay with my W".

 

I guess I'm struggling right now, even though it's 2 months of NC, and the A is finally over

[Redheaded Mistress]

It's natural to struggle after and I'm so sorry you're hurting. It is like any breakup, there's no real way to do it without feeling hurt. Rejection hurts. That's all there is to it.

 

It'll get better, I promise.

[sunburned]

I'm Not Yours, I just wanted to assure you that two months of NC is still "early days." Don't get frustrated and don't give up. I too was surprised to learn my former MM could possibly live without me. Never mind he had lived without me for 60something years already!

 

 

I'm going to share some advice from another web site. I hope it's OK and falls within the LS rules because I think what you're feeling is more about rejection. This is from goasksuzie dot com.

 

 

 

 

"It helps to have a guiding metaphor to help you process the “end” of the affair. And the one I often use with my clients is that the end of the affair is like getting fired from a job. There’s going to be anger, hurt, humiliation and feelings of abandonment. And like getting fired (even if you didn’t really like the job), the experience is unpleasant. Even if you know you can find a better job, the act of being fired still hurts pride and wounds the ego. And yet, this metaphor of being “fired” can help you process the disappointment. Because the rules that apply to being fired also apply to processing the end of an affair.

End of the Affair Rules

 

• The end is abrupt and permanent
  
• No happy endings
  
• The end is not “neat” — it’s often messy and awkward
  
• No going back and begging
  

And perhaps the most important thing…

Like getting fired, the end of the affair hits you hard… often, the disappointment and sense of abandonment can be stunning in their intensity. Your job is to give yourself a chance to regroup… and know that these feelings — as painful as they are — do pass."

 

 

They pass and then you feel ridiculous for ever having had them. For some of us, however, the "passing" process just takes a little longer. Two months is a great start. Hang in there, dear!

[bentleychic]

I'm honestly not sure. As you said, the best way to end it is for the A to end and it to turn in to a regular relationship. Obviously that is not the case in most A's, though.

 

I know the worst ways to end it, but I'm really not sure there's a best way. I guess to let the OW decide when she's done so she can walk away on her own when she's ready, but then...will that ever happen. It's hard to walk away from the wo/man that you love, despite really screwed up circumstances. (Right or wrong, it's still true.)

[C00kie]

The best way is for the woman in the OW position to realise she is better than that and deserves better and break up with him for good.

[curiousGeorge2]

You should not and could not hold onto him if he wants to end it.

 

Maybe ask him to take you to a "business trip" for the end of an era?

[waterwoman]

I've always wondered this. H ended his with a text initially in a panic because I found out. He worked with her and wanted to talk to her face to face to explain but she was sensible enough to refuse to talk to him. Until the end of term they had to work together but after that (about 4 weeks) they never needed to see each other in work. NC was complete after that.

 

I don't doubt it was painful - I know it was for H too - but in the end it seems the best way.

[I'mNotYours]

I think comparing the end of an A to getting fired makes sense somehow. I was fired some time ago, and although losing the XMM was worse than losing my job, there were similar feelings involved; anger, feeling of rejection, sadness, worry about the future etc.

 

In both cases someone else takes a decision about your life and there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have control. Someone doesn't want you anymore and you focus on that and kind of forget the reason why. You can be rational about it and think it's not about you, but it's hard to convince yourself it wasn't anything personal. And people say things like "Maybe it was for the best. You'll find something better". At least that's how it was for me.

 

I still think it's hard. And I'm still worried I won't fall in love again. And I think it's unfair that he hasn't lost anything (I've written about that before, and someone said he has lost me), but in the end he can just continue his life and he has a wife, who loves him. While I'm feeling lost, empty and alone.

[cocorico]

What do you..XOWs..think is the best way to end an A? And how did your A end, and how do you wish it would have ended?

 

Mine ended the way I wanted - he left the BW, and we have been happily together for several years now.

 

I think the "best" way to end an A depends very much on the nature of the A. If the A is exploitative, with one party (often the OW / OM) feeling they are giving more than they are getting, then the best ending is for that person to recognise that they are worthy of a respectful, loving, equal R and to insist on getting one - whether with the AP or with someone else.

 

If the A is loving, respectful, with both parties having their needs met, then the best ending is for the "unfinished business" (the MP's D, etc) to be resolved speedily and without undue problems.

[MatchStick]

What do you..XOWs..think is the best way to end an A? And how did your A end, and how do you wish it would have ended?

 

 

After a lifetime of seeing all kinds of endings, each one is different and happen their own way. The whole concept of ending any relationship with the dignity and integrity of the other is something I think our species has a long way to go on......self included.

 

 

My EMA ended suddenly, and badly. Day one, he was On with the I Love You, then after BS found out, ran him into counseling, on Day Three, he was saying he lied about the I love you, AND still wanted to see me, for a cup of coffee, in three months when he came into town (after a tropical holiday trip and romance trip for Valentines).

 

 

There isn't any angle we hadn't discussed in our 2.5 year, mostly long distance, friendship.

 

 

It would have been better if he had said something like "You know, you were right..........I'm unhappy but staying in my M. My butt is in a sling, and I will lose everything of my 28 year M." Flip-flopping, emotionally waffling, making up stories......blame shifting and trying to tell me 'I knew the risks' is a poor, poor exit. However, it does characterize where he's at, and I'm better off without a man, a friend of this character. I later figured he was stringing wife along (yep, she puts up with it), and strung me along, etc.

 

 

Whatever relation one ends, you owe them humility, honesty, and a reason why you have to do what you have to do. This "you deserve better' is lame, and a thin shell around what is going on inside the other person. In a EMR/PA, people get involved for very specific emotional needs, and seem to want to discuss those freely......and then just pull the general plug.

 

 

Any maybe with a bit of dignity, honesty, and integrity, these A partners would have better primary relations right there.