nextel Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 After reading all that I read, and try to contribute as level headed as I can...I have come to the conclusion that the only reason i would ever date a married man is if he was offering me something that I cannot have from a single man. Loving a MM does not cut it for me. What is the point when he is capable of doing the same thing to you that he is doing to his wife? Its not like I would be more special than the wife. Apparently many of us agree that they always go back to their wives...so why would I choose to be with a MM for the sake of love when, I could never completely trust him (for obvious reasons)? I have come to the conclusion that if I was to ever be or date a MM, love would not be the determining factor. My motive would first be what is he capable of doing for me, what a single man cannot do, based on that: i will love him. But if he decides to go back to his w after that, at least I got what I needed. I am sure very few people see things the way I see them, but again: I have never dated a MM and so these are just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 nextel, it seems that no matter how long and hard you ponder this one and no matter how many questions you ask and no matter how many answers you read, there is just one oversight, one thing you just do not grasp. i dont know if it is even worth me trying to explain again but i am bored, having a coffee break and so i will try. first of all you act like this is something we all chose to do like someone would make a choice what course to study. "hmm what shall i do now, how about dating a married man, now what are the pros and cons? wheres the best place to meet one? how should i put the proposal to him?" nextel, i say you have a problem. if i had never fallen into this situation i definetly would NOT spend my spare time thinking about it and wondering whether its a good move or not. and if i did look at it like shall i do this next i would have said without question without hesitation NO. it is just NOT THAT SIMPLE nextel. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by nextel I have come to the conclusion that if I was to ever be or date a MM, love would not be the determining factor. My motive would first be what is he capable of doing for me, what a single man cannot do, based on that: i will love him. But if he decides to go back to his w after that, at least I got what I needed. Unfortunately a lot of us have started dating a MM thinking that we can keep out the love. We chose not to believe those who told us that we will eventually fall in love. As a woman, you don't have the power to stop yourself from falling in love. Or more specifically, you realize when it is a bit late. You would be better off being polygamous with more than one SG than getting it all from a MM. Unless you are looking for MM sugar daddy. You seem smart enough to deduct from all the OWs posts that should you ever be faced with a relationship with a MM, run the opposite direction as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 "I have come to the conclusion that the only reason i would ever date a married man is if he was offering me something that I cannot have from a single man. " then u will never date a MM (hopefully )because he cannot give u anything u cant get from a SG!! hopefully you are smart enough to learn from others mistakes? and just stay away from MM? most of us here did not set out to get into this situation , thanks for sharing your views!!! Link to post Share on other sites
CaughtUp Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Some of us got involved before we even knew that he was married. It is not the road I would have choosen had I had the power of foresight to see all the pain I would go through being involved with a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 It doesn't matter whether you intended to fall in love or not. If you're schtupping someone who has a wife, you need to get yourself out of the relationship. Just because you're 'in love' doesn't mean you can't end the relationship. People go 'cold turkey' on relationships all the time when the other person ditches them. Your MM will not leave his wife and you'll only end up miserable so cut him off, do NC, do all the things that people who get broken up with while they're still in love do and move on to men who are not married. You don't choose to fall in love, true, but you absolutely do choose to continue the affair and that's where the error lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 One of the things people who come on here to post is that.....we are not looking for morally guidance! It doesn't matter whether you intended to fall in love or not. If you're schtupping someone who has a wife, you need to get yourself out of the relationship. Just because you're 'in love' doesn't mean you can't end the relationship. People go 'cold turkey' on relationships all the time when the other person ditches them. Your MM will not leave his wife and you'll only end up miserable so cut him off, do NC, do all the things that people who get broken up with while they're still in love do and move on to men who are not married. You don't choose to fall in love, true, but you absolutely do choose to continue the affair and that's where the error lies. I was giving my insight into the reason I would date a married man, and it was not intended to blame anyone for falling in love with a married man or have some clown come here and tell you that you are wrong for falling for a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 I'm not a clown and people on LS will post their opinions about your opinions and you actually won't agree with them all and that's just too damn bad. If you want to post your thoughts and not get any negative views, then post one of those online journal things and turn off the 'replies' feature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 I am not dating a MM. And yes you are entitled to post as you feel fit. But as you can read, this forum is for OW/OM....therefore you moral obligations are not required! Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Am i having an affair? no. Do i want to? no. Why the curiousity? Wanting to understand more of these situations as opposed to forming a biased opinion. That was from your post regarding how much $$ MM spend on OW - You ask alot of questions and although it may be uncomfortable i'm not necessarily opposed - but in the same respect, i'd like to know why the incessant need to know about the OW/MM relationship(s). I don't believe you want to know solely for the fact of forming a biased opinion. I am not an alcoholic, nor do i want to judge them but i am not going to go to forums for alcoholics and post questions in thier place of sanctuary (if you will). Please answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nextel Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 I believe that, the fact that I am not telling anyone to date or not to date a married man is good enough for me to post here. As stated in the quote you put, I dont think that there's anything wrong with wanting to understand a situation without forming a biased opinion. So far, I have stated what I have gathered from being with a MM, besides, I like to look at things from both sides of the coin. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 This particular forum has me thinking.... Post: 1 | Quote: After reading all that I read, and try to contribute as level headed as I can...I have come to the conclusion that the only reason i would ever date a married man is if he was offering me something that I cannot have from a single man. Loving a MM does not cut it for me. What is the point when he is capable of doing the same thing to you that he is doing to his wife? Its not like I would be more special than the wife. Apparently many of us agree that they always go back to their wives...so why would I choose to be with a MM for the sake of love when, I could never completely trust him (for obvious reasons)? I have come to the conclusion that if I was to ever be or date a MM, love would not be the determining factor. My motive would first be what is he capable of doing for me, what a single man cannot do, based on that: i will love him. But if he decides to go back to his w after that, at least I got what I needed. I am sure very few people see things the way I see them, but again: I have never dated a MM and so these are just my thoughts. QUOTE NEXTEL i just dont really see how this is either understanding the situation or trying to understand the situation??? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Call it 'morality' if you will. It's basic decency. You don't take what's not yours. That's not a law for a law's sake but because by taking what's not yours, you cause pain to others. Sure, it got codified into rules and laws but at base it's about being decent and fair to your other humans, particularly your fellow females. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 i think you'll find moimeme that most of the people in this forum are doing just that "gathering the strength to leave", we are not all in here encouraging each other to stay in the affair Link to post Share on other sites
MsMree Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 AND BOY, I WAS LOOK'G FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT TO STAY... HAHAHAHAHA!!! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 ha ha ha! lmao Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 hmm what shall i do now, how about dating a married man, now what are the pros and cons? wheres the best place to meet one? how should i put the proposal to him?" Well, reading this gave me such a fantastic belly laugh - the first one in too many days! Newby, you are hilarious! As if anyone (or at least any of us in-pain souls) goes out looking for this landmine of a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I'm not a clown and people on LS will post their opinions about your opinions and you actually won't agree with them all and that's just too damn bad. If you want to post your thoughts and not get any negative views, then post one of those online journal things and turn off the 'replies' feature. i just wanted to respond with two things to you: 1) your avatar is extremely lovely. 2) most of the posters in this forum come here to discuss difficult situations we are in with other people in similar situations. i understand you cannot imagine yourself having ever gotten yourself into such a situation but then again most of us that have thought we would NEVER have gotten involved with an attached person. if your intention here is to chastise and put those of us that have been in this situation in our place then i suppose you've done what you set out to do. if instead you hope to help people in a bad situation to extracate themselves from it, i would suggest you find a less judgemental way since your current method only causes people to get their defenses up. we feel an instinct to protect ourselves from the attack. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 If you want to extricate yourself from the situation, the mere fact that what you're doing is doing damage to some other human is one more reason to get yourself out of the situation, no? Add it to your arsenal instead of tackling me. Use it to help you change. That was the point of my post. If you can't be persuaded to leave to save your own self, do it for the sake of the other woman who likely is undeserving of this betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by nextel Apparently many of us agree that they always go back to their wives...so why would I choose to be with a MM for the sake of love when, I could never completely trust him (for obvious reasons)? some women will be with a MM cause of below reasons (not all inclusive): - low self-esteem - cannot commit - self hatred and self loathing - wants something she cannot have - likes drama and emotional upheaval - doesn't think she deserves a single man who is available and decent - challenge of stealing man away from wife etc. etc etc... Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 some women will be with a MM cause of below reasons (not all inclusive): - low self-esteem - cannot commit - self hatred and self loathing - wants something she cannot have - likes drama and emotional upheaval - doesn't think she deserves a single man who is available and decent - challenge of stealing man away from wife etc. etc etc... Alphamale, good point. I know that several of the above describe me, unfortunately, especially low self-esteem and cannot commit. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by newby nextel, it seems that no matter how long and hard you ponder this one and no matter how many questions you ask and no matter how many answers you read, there is just one oversight, one thing you just do not grasp. i dont know if it is even worth me trying to explain again but i am bored, having a coffee break and so i will try. first of all you act like this is something we all chose to do like someone would make a choice what course to study. "hmm what shall i do now, how about dating a married man, now what are the pros and cons? wheres the best place to meet one? how should i put the proposal to him?" nextel, i say you have a problem. if i had never fallen into this situation i definetly would NOT spend my spare time thinking about it and wondering whether its a good move or not. and if i did look at it like shall i do this next i would have said without question without hesitation NO. it is just NOT THAT SIMPLE nextel. i think nextel just has way too much free time!! i totally agree newby !!! Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme If you want to extricate yourself from the situation, the mere fact that what you're doing is doing damage to some other human is one more reason to get yourself out of the situation, no? Add it to your arsenal instead of tackling me. Use it to help you change. That was the point of my post. If you can't be persuaded to leave to save your own self, do it for the sake of the other woman who likely is undeserving of this betrayal. Have you ever been in this situation? Because from what I've read of your other posts, you don't seem to have been. And I agree, you do seem to be pretty judgemental. Aren't you the one who made a nasty comment about OW in another post a while back? Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 i think nextel just has way too much free time!! i totally agree newby !!! QUOTE ha ha lmao! ahh kitkat, i'm sorry you havent laughed for so long, things will be better soon honey xx nextel, i have actually had fantastic advice from you in the past, thankyou, just keep hanging out with us. x Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme If you want to extricate yourself from the situation, the mere fact that what you're doing is doing damage to some other human is one more reason to get yourself out of the situation, no? Add it to your arsenal instead of tackling me. Use it to help you change. That was the point of my post. If you can't be persuaded to leave to save your own self, do it for the sake of the other woman who likely is undeserving of this betrayal. browbeating has never worked before. what makes you think it will now? we are dealing with complicated emotions and you are forgetting that people are fallible (yes, even you). we all make mistakes and do things we shouldn't. berating someone about is probably not the best way to show someone the error of their ways, dear. you are mistaken if you believe i'm trying to tackle you. i just don't understand your reasoning here. i don't understand your motivation. if you aren't here to help, you are here to either hurt or judge. if you are here to help, your current method just isn't cutting it. Link to post Share on other sites
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