5 months after we broke up and anniversary of our first date has me down

[Sukotto]

If you search on my previous topics you can find more about my back story but the summarised version is:

 

Broke up start of October without reason after 2.5 years

2 weeks passed we went away for a weekend

Found out she had cheated on my on her vacation with friends

2 months of limited contact passed

Met up a few times in December and she told me she made a mistake

week later she changed her mind

spoke to her 4th January (her Birthday)

saw her a week later at the gym, she was so rude to me

 

We've not seen or spoken since then, I blocked her on MSN and just avoid going to the bars that she frequents. I guess I hoped she would make an effort to contact me but it never happened.

 

Out first date was 3 years ago this Thursday and its getting me down, I can't stop thinking about her and I know that she has a new guy in her life. I've been out and been on a few dates but nothing that led anywhere. I know I done her wrong while we were seeing each other, she never told me or complained about them but I know I neglected her at time for work and we got stuck in a boring routine. But that doesn't matter now.

 

I want to write her a letter just asking how she is and how work, university and her family are. I got on well with all of them and I guess curiosity is whats killing me here. I dont want her back as a girlfriend but I'd love to see her as a friend again and I'm not sure how to open up that doorway.

 

Any suggestions on how to deal with this, I'm a bit depressed and I just think that contacting her will help. Though to be honest I dont know if it will.

[greenhorn]

You know these 'firsts' after break up are always painful but you need to slog it out.This is the reason the break-up are painful but what can you do ? There is nothing in your hand pls dont cry or feel bad for someone who does not give hoots to your feelings.

 

Why are you feeling bad for someone who cheated you ? It's good that she is not with you now or else she would have been with you and cheating you.Sorry to say this but some ppl in this world have no ethics, no moral and have huge disregard to humanity and you ex seems to be a perfect manifestation of this.

 

 

Don't write letter or contact her it is not going to do any good to you.It's anniversary for her too, but ask yourself will she remember it? Will she try to contact you or write a letter to you? If not then won't you look like someone who is pestering her? Come on man gather your courage and strength and raise a toast to your dignity.Life without dignity and esteem is much worse.

 

keep walking, these bad phases in life will go away.

 

Good Luck

take care

[moon]

I can't deny it. I am feeling depressed too. I got broken up with at the end of October too. He's been with his new girlfriend since we broke up. Sometimes I can just feel it. I feel like he finally found the relationship he wants. I don't know how he's so shallow to move on just like that. It feels like he didn't even need to mourn my loss. It makes me feel like he never even loved me. I feel most of the blame. I feel down about it too. I don't know how I got into a funk about it. I guess it doesn't help that things in my own life aren't going so well. I am getting into serious debt (about $8,000), I am staying with relatives now, I am worried about which career to pursue right now, my friends are all married and seem happy......I can't seem to make those important life decisions right now that I need to make.

 

Ah, it's horrible to be single sometimes. It's worse when the ex goes off with somebody else right away. It's even worse when your ex finds so much happiness with somebody new after you supported them and helped them along for so many years when they suffered through depression, family problems, alcoholism, lack of goals, fears, etc. etc. You let them into your heart, despite your worries about what they may do to you in the end. You hold back and hold back and then one day you discover that you've fallen in love with them. And then slowly the whole thing unravels, they feel better about themselves and then go find somebody else.

 

You just feel used and abused. You just feel like what was the purpose of loving somebody for four years when in the end you have NOTHING to show for it. Yes, I am feeling down today too. I don't know how to shake it. I think I am in the acceptance phase where you are letting go but feeling depressed and sad about it. I go back and forth on my feelings. Sometimes I am okay. But I think it does get a little harder after some months because it really hits you that they are not going to call you and apologize or that they are not going to beg for you to come back (even though you probably wouldn't take them back).....that in the end moving on was what was right for them.

 

I guess I realize now how much I needed my ex too for support. Somehow he brought light to my life. I never really thought about that. He was able to be there in my life so effortlessly. We fought a lot, but mostly over his habits. It's hard accepting that he could find the type of relationship he wanted with somebody else and here I am still single and having a hell of a time getting my own life together. It sucks. So I feel your pain OP. I think I am going through one of the worst periods of my life and it's not just about my ex. It's about so many aspects. It's about figuring out what I really want, when so few opportunities are presenting themselves. What can one do?? I guess I just have to get through this rough patch in my life. I know my ex probably wouldn't be able to help me with it. He was just good at diverting my attention away from other issues I have in my life.

 

I hate the feeling of failure. I think that's just what rests with me every day. But yeah, must carry on..........Good luck to you also.

 

Greenhorn, it sounds like you are really getting a good handle on things. Good for you!

[CurlyIam]

I've felt the "curiosity" also. It's not the "friend"that you miss, it's the lover. After 2.5 years, I doubt you even remember her as a friend.

 

So... that's it. Try to fight the urge to see her. It will get you even more down. You don't want to go there. Just get on with your life and let NC rule. IT's in the past and it's supposed to be in the past. For your own good.

[greenhorn]

Moon,

 

We all came on LS at the same time and i remember you answering my threads and I am feeling much better. I am trying to pull up my life but as everyone i also am kicked off somedays and I feel so low.Everytime i get off sleep i would think but this DIGNITY things works wonder for me.She cheated me and so whenever I feel low I how I was treated like scumbag do I deserve that kind of treatment. Can I live without dignity the answer is no and it helps me to pull up.

 

LS helps...

[moon]

Greenhorn, I somehow feel that I am supposed to be feeling how I am right now. When I met my ex I was finishing up with school in a subject I decided not to pursue anymore. It was a distressing time for me. My ex was sort of a diversion for me for a number of years. I spent a lot of time leaving the relationship to go travel. I didn't make those important career choices. He was always talking about marriage with me. I guess the sad thing is I always thought my ex would be there. He brought a lot of comfort to my life. I felt like I waited and waited for a time when the relationship could really be what I wanted it to be. I felt me and my ex were at that place and then he turned around and started dating another girl. My ex has a history of sabotage. I know this. That's why I ran so many times. I guess I fooled myself into trusting him. For that I feel like I lost four years of my life. I thought he and I would get married one day and it would all be worth something. I feel like our relationship was a struggle. But that one day it would all be worth it. I feel like my ex wanted to hurt me. So that's what I live with everyday. I feel like my ex is happy that he hurt me. I don't feel like he has any remorse. I feel like he is pleased with himself. I know maybe one day he'll look back on this with some sort of regret, but at this time I painfully feel that he has a cohort in his wishes to hurt me. I met the girl he's with now and she's not the type to let things go. She will not leave him for anything. She's the perfect other woman. She always thinks she's right. I could feel this. My ex is having a glorious time right now. Seriously. He's living in a beach community and doesn't even have to work because his family supports him. I know he knows I am suffering right now. I know he knows he sent me back to live with my family. I spent all my money on tickets to him and other things for us to live together. I was a fool. He knows that. I feel like he did the worst thing to me. I feel he knows that and is being spiteful about it.

 

I guess it gets harder with time because the reality sets in. I know I shouldn't like a person like him. I know. But I miss him like crazy. We went through so much together. But I don't contact him. I have no contact at all. I just sort of suffer in silence. My therapy doesn't seem to be working very well. I feel like I keep talking about the same thing. So anyway, I guess I just have to ride this out for a while longer. I know I'll get out of it, but at this time I feel a lot of hurt. I don't know how long the hurt will last for me. I know I have had shorter relationships and the pain has lasted a long time. But I am hoping by the end of the year that I'll feel okay again. I just don't feel like I have a lot of support for this because I am at a time in life where most people have pulled things together and gotten married and made all those tough life decisions. I was making all those decisions with a guy who dumped me in the end for somebody else. So I have to work on my self-esteem. I don't know when I will trust another person with my heart again. I guess I just feel like I have to get this out. It just feels horrible sometimes. I feel like my life is moving in slow motion.

 

Anyway, I know this is supposed to be happening right now and I am supposed to be learning a lesson from it. I think the lessons are:

 

1. Learn to stand on my own two feet.

2. Find a man that I can trust from the beginning.

3. Don't keep running from a relationship. End it if I think it's not working.

4. Always keep money in my savings for a rainy day.

5. Pick a career that supports me in the long run and not just for the year or two that I am in it.

6. Get more stability in my life, so if one thing gets thrown off it won't effect everything.

7. Stop traveling so much.

 

Anyway, sometimes I feel like I am back to square one. I wish I could forget everything....seriously. In time I will. I guess I just need to start talking about this again, because I live with this sort of denial every day. I keep saying I am okay....no problem. But damn it still hurts like HELL. I don't want to be a complainer or a whinner....but I can't deny it. My life just sucks right now. It's not just my ex.....it's many things. So I guess this thing with my ex is just the icing on the cake. I guess you could say I am going through a sort of mid mid life crisis. I don't know why it's so hard for me to make important life choices. I don't know why. I just feel like such a floater sometimes.

 

Anyway, I think I am just having a BAD day. But I just felt the need to talk about it. Thanks. I guess sometimes you just have to say life is giving me lemons right now. But I've got to turn it around. I guess this is the ultimate test. God is testing me.......I know I will see the day when this is all behind me. I know it!!!! I just have to live for that day.

[moon]

Okay, I just had another realization about how much this current situation has to do with my ex.

 

The fact is I have to make some important choices about my life and I guess I am pissed off that my ex isn't here to buffer them and to divert my mind anymore. And I guess the hurt of what happened isn't helping. But I think one day I will understand the situation more.....once I am in a real relationship that is what I want. Once I have more stability in my life. Once I have start making the type of steps to make the sort of life I want. What he has now is probably fleeting (new gf). He loves to sabotage....so I guess he'll probably do it again. Of course I don't understand how his mind works because I never did. Nor do I understand the mind of a cheater.....I've never been one.

 

Anyway, just thought I'd add that. I think I am feeling better now. I have to appreciate what I do have.

[Sukotto]

Hijacker! I dont mind tho

 

Your comments have helped me too, I realise that I depended on my ex too much. Its just that I've matured so much since we started dating that time before her isn't something I can remember or would want to be like. I know I was happy before her and thats what I'm aiming for again.

 

I have my good days and bad days, today was just a bad day. I'll be fine tomorrow, I think i have some motivation again to dive back in to work and get some more money towards the "I want to buy my own flat" fund.

 

I wont contact her, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. She was very stubborn and I just think that this is all a big test and that if I just reach out she'll come running back. Basically life is just boring at the moment for me.

 

Get up

Go to Uni / Work

Come home

Eat

Play Games / Go out drinking

 

If I go out drinking and looking for a girl it always ends up one night stands and to be honest thats just not what I want. I want to meet someone that I can go out places with. Museums, coffee, dinner and the movies. Sure I can do them with a friend but its not the same. The last proper date I had was December and I just screwed that up since I was seeing my ex on the side.

[moon]

Sorry Sukotto, I didn't mean to take over your thread.

 

I think I was just having a bad day too. I was ranting above. So to change my circumstances I just went for a long bike ride and took a drive out to the beach.

 

I feel better. Okay life can go on.......... It is interesting how moods can change so rapidly. I just read somewhere that getting over loss happens in a lightening rod fashion. It zig zags and strikes quickly and then disappears and then bang it's back. I just have to keep moving on.....I know that I am better with out my ex in my life. I know this. I know this. I know this. Okay. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Good luck to you Sukotto too. Tomorrow's another day. I think I just need to explode some of my energy about my situation sometimes because I always feel like I am putting a brave face about it and, despite my desperate attempts of wanting, I never call or talk to my ex about how this whole thing makes me feel. I don't EVER call him at all. Total NC. So I have a lot of misguided unchanneled energy at times about the whole thing. But anyway.....I guess I'll make it through as always. Take care.

[moon]

Sorry Sukotto, I didn't mean to take over your thread.

 

I think I was just having a bad day too. I was ranting above. So to change my circumstances I just went for a long bike ride and took a drive out to the beach.

 

I feel better. Okay life can go on.......... It is interesting how moods can change so rapidly. I just read somewhere that getting over loss happens in a lightening rod fashion. It zig zags and strikes quickly and then disappears and then bang it's back. I just have to keep moving on.....I know that I am better with out my ex in my life. I know this. I know this. I know this. Okay. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Good luck to you Sukotto too. Tomorrow's another day. I think I just need to explode some of my energy about my situation sometimes because I always feel like I am putting a brave face about it and, despite my desperate attempts of wanting, I never call or talk to my ex about how this whole thing makes me feel. I don't EVER call him at all. Total NC. So I have a lot of misguided unchanneled energy at times about the whole thing. But anyway.....I guess I'll make it through as always. Take care.

[moon]

Sorry Sukotto, I didn't mean to take over your thread.

 

I think I was just having a bad day too. I was ranting above. So to change my circumstances I just went for a long bike ride and took a drive out to the beach.

 

I feel better. Okay life can go on.......... It is interesting how moods can change so rapidly. I just read somewhere that getting over loss happens in a lightening rod fashion. It zig zags and strikes quickly and then disappears and then bang it's back. I just have to keep moving on.....I know that I am better with out my ex in my life. I know this. I know this. I know this. Okay. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Good luck to you Sukotto too. Tomorrow's another day. I think I just need to explode some of my energy about my situation sometimes because I always feel like I am putting a brave face about it and, despite my desperate attempts of wanting, I never call or talk to my ex about how this whole thing makes me feel. I don't EVER call him at all. Total NC. So I have a lot of misguided unchanneled energy at times about the whole thing. But anyway.....I guess I'll make it through as always. Take care.

[SpaceCoyote]

Hi Moon. Sorry you were down earlier, though you sound better now. Your post caused so many familiar pangs in my heart. "My ex brought me a lot of comfort... thought one day our relationship would all be worth it.... knows I am suffering... nothing to show for all this.... don't think I can trust another person with my heart..." If I flip back through my personal journal, I can find all of these very thoughts reflected on those pages.

 

You sound like a person whose emotions and feelings run very deep, so the pain of your loss is even more prounounced. It doesn't help that you are going through a tough personal time in your life and you lost your emotional support at the same time. I know for me, I relied heavily on my ex also, and when she left me, my life pretty much fell apart. She was my lover, best friend, support network... she was literally everything in my life. I know now that I shouldn't place so much of my life into one person. I should have my own life, and when I find that special person, I will share my life with her and vice versa, rather than me building my life around her. The funny thing is, before I met my ex, this was already an idea I believed in. But I threw all my personal rules out the window for her. Call it a lesson learned.

 

I know from your past posts that you have the strength and the wisdom to get past this someday. It may not always be evident. I frequently feel like there are no answers. But you have to believe that there are better days ahead for them to come.

 

Like you, I laid out a list of goals/lessons for myself. Things I have learned and things I need to work toward. I don't know if happiness lies at the end of this path. There are no assurances of anything. But I figure I have a better chance of moving on if I have some kind of framework to follow, rather than just continuing to blindly stumble forward in my life because I am beset with grief. I still grieve, rather horribly at times, but at least I have something to focus on and don't feel my loss AND aimless at the same time.

 

As my therapist (and others on this site) told me, no one can make you unhappy but you. OK, I don't actually fully believe that.... my ex makes me plenty unhappy simply by existing. But I do agree with the flipside of that coin, that is that no one will get you out of your unhappiness but you. Take charge of your own destiny.

 

Hang in there and good luck.

 

P.S. Sorry also to hijack your post, Sukotto.

[moon]

SpaceCoyote,

 

Thanks so much for your nice post. Sometimes my feelings just get the best of me. I have pretty much had no contact since the break up (except for one phone message and an e-mail from him and from me) so sometimes I just have a lot of pent up energy about it. It is nice to have someplace to go to get it out.

 

I am just in a total transtition time also. I just moved to a new area, which I haven't lived in for a number of years. I am bumping into some old friends who never left and who've been married for a few years and hoping to get pregant.....and then there's me, traveling queen, who just got broken up with....and trying to make a career change. So I start to feel it sometimes. But my life has had a lot of adventure, I just need to get on a career path, which wasn't so important to me before.Or rather I was on one for a while and then got burned out. I want to go into a career that doesn't seem so easy to get into, so I am dealing with rejection on that end too. But I am staying busy and doing what I can for now.

 

So anyway, I try to count my blessings and things have gotten better. I do think that's a great idea to make a list of my goals. I have a few but they always seem to include moving........more transition. So then I stop myself and say STAY STILL.....don't keep going and going. So I am battling myself a little bit and my instincts, but I keep trying to remind myself that at one point or another EVERYBODY has had to make those hard life choice. We really must decide what direction to walk in. So I am dealing with that a bit too. My ex made things so eeeaaasy. We just always had this little plan to make a life together and it was going to be this and that. But then in the end he changed.....did a 360 in the other direction and onto a new relationship. It really boggled my mind. I know he feels that I might have deserved it because many times in the past I have left him for a variety of reasons. We were long distance sometimes and closer at other times. It was usually my itchy feet that sent me someplace other than where he was and he's been right there in the same area all along. So sometimes I see what he did (or so I think he thinks) as the perfect slap in my face....The last laugh so to speak. But I was a great source of comfort for him too and he made it really hard to stay with him a lot of the times. I was a good person to him always. I already pointed that out to him. It just makes it harder and complex to figure out. It just doesn't make any sense why things went this way. I guess I have some regret and guilt too. But I know I have to be strong and soldier on.

 

Thanks for your help SpaceCoyote. I really appreciate your comforting words.

Take care.

[Sukotto]

Well thats the first anniversay after our break up passed and to be honest it wasn't that bad. I hung about in Starbucks working from 2-5. Went and grabbed something to eat and back to another coffee shop from 7-10:30 then came home watched some TV and went to bed.

 

I did think of her and I did see her car parked at the train station but it hasn't bothered me. Go me! Maybe this can be a turning point and it will start getting easier now.

[greenhorn]

That's really good to hear Sukotto.You are moving on and that too quite confidently.

 

You are true, you would think of her and memories will come but don't let them pain you or hurt you.

 

Good Luck