Flirting with my housemate

[malxme]

I have developed feelings for my housemate- which began basically the minute I moved in, I just felt something for him. I had no intention of making a move, because I am well aware getting involved with someone you live with is not a good idea. Unfortunately, we were both quite drunk one night and things happened. I believe I started the 'talk', then he kissed me and it went from there.

 

Please no lectures on 'dont screw the crew'- i know it was stupid, but its done and I cant take it back. I just need advice on what to do about it.

 

The next day I said to him, I would absolutely understand if he wanted to pretend nothing happened- because we are in a very happy flat and neither of us want to ruin that. But he said he wanted to give it time and just see how things went, which I was happy with. But I had to leave town for a few days, and a couple of days in he started to withdraw, so I just left him to it so that we could talk about it when I got back in town.

 

When I returned I asked what he wanted, and he still said he wanted to spend time together and see, so we hung out together, had a bit of a 'date' at the beach. Then later that day he tells me he doesn't see himself settling down with me. I was hurt, felt a bit confused, and unfortunately I didnt handle it the best. But hey, only human. But then later that night, he goes back to flirting with me.

 

The next day we have a text conversation, making it quite clear he isnt interested, and me making it quite clear that I am but stating I will let it go and we can go back to just being flatmates. And then that afternoon he comes home with a present for me (expensive and VERY thoughtful). Then that night he goes out with a mutual friend of ours, bragging about how he's gonna go find some girls. It seemed pretty obvious to me that he was trying to make me jealous.

 

I don't understand what is happening!?

 

He says he isn't interested (his words being "i dont know what I want and dont want to muck you around"), but his actions seem like he is trying to keep me interested. Is this a male ego thing? Does he just enjoy the attention I give him? If he WAS trying to make me jealous, I dont understand why when HE is the one who didnt want to get involved with me...

 

Can anyone help me understand what is going on? I do really like this guy, but because we live together, Im trying really hard to keep things as simple as I can. How do I act around him? Do I pretend I don't notice his flirting etc? Do I speak to him about it? (he isnt much into discussions like that..)

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

He is immature and is not comfortable around you. Seems like frustration, but obviously you both have set expectations for living together after the incident. If he can't be straight with you in discussion, I'd find another room mate or something. You don't need drama especially if you start bringing friends or dates over.

[Elle1975]

"He's gonna go find some girls", it's funny you saw it as him trying to make you jealous, because I saw it as him trying to make you move on, a "hey, I'm gonna get some because I'm not interested in being with you".

 

Advice? Do move on.. and don't start a booty call type deal with your roommate, because thing is, he is NOT interested and made it clear.

 

The important things to look at in relationships are the red flags, not the sporadic gifts or occasional hugs.

[malxme]

Elle1975, you make a good point! Perhaps I misread the situation entirely, and my emotions just had me thinking he was playing games with me.

 

And I do intend to move on, because he's made it clear what he wants and I've made it clear what I want. Its more that him still flirting on and off is just confusing me, and I wonder if I should ignore it/him (but I feel like that would put a strain on the living relationship the whole house has), or if I should bring it up with him (but as I said, he doesnt like those kind of discussions and it could make things worse). I guess my gut feeling is that he was enjoying the attention he got from me, and is maybe trying to keep me holding on. another flatmate has seen how we are together, and said before anything happened that he always seemed flirty with me. Perhaps thats just his way..

 

Neither of us wants the other to move, we are a very happy house, all very close friends. Im only on here posting because his mixed signals are just confusing me and its an uncomfortable feeling not knowing how to react.

[Elle1975]

No, don't ignore it. Tell him "you need to stop" and be serious about it. To ignore it makes it okay. It's not okay, since it hurts your feelings.

 

Maybe tell him you respect his decision, but you want none of his flirting, because unfortunately you have developed feelings.

 

I personally think it's okay to be honest with him, as long as you respect yourself and keep your distance (romantically speaking).

[Justanaverageguy]

The next day we have a text conversation, making it quite clear he isnt interested, and me making it quite clear that I am but stating I will let it go and we can go back to just being flatmates. And then that afternoon he comes home with a present for me (expensive and VERY thoughtful). Then that night he goes out with a mutual friend of ours, bragging about how he's gonna go find some girls. It seemed pretty obvious to me that he was trying to make me jealous.

 

Definitely sounds like a game player to me. He's playing hot and cold. No one goes on a date, then tells the girl they are not interested - then buys an expensive gift for them the next day unless they are playing. I have a couple of mates who do this deliberately. It's kind of the male version of hard to get. They call it "catch and release". You hook the girl wind her in and then cancel the date or tell her you are not interested. Then repeat.

 

He is keeping you just interested enough ... plus by throwing you through the high emotions of buying thoughtful gift, then the low emotions of saying he is not interested he is keeping you confused and thinking about him. This serves the purpose of putting you on the back foot and stopping you from analyzing whether you actually like the guy. It keeps you obsessing over him trying to figure out what he wants .... instead of properly judging him like you would a normal guy you went on a date with.

 

My guess is he will come back with another positive shortly. When he does don't accept the gift, date or whatever it is he offers. Definitely don't tell him your feelings. Just turn him down and say your not interested. Don't give him any more information. Just say you decided you are not interested. You will probably find he starts throwing himself at you.

 

Guys are weak at games ... strong when in a position of power but they crumble like cookies when girls don't do what they expect

[malxme]

Thank you so much, Justanaverageguy, that was really helpful! I will turn down his next offer of gifts/dates (if he even bothers)- but should I also just be unresponsive to his flirting or is that being too childish? Obviously I can't just avoid him, because that would make me look like he's hurt me and I don't want him to know that.

 

Is it best to just pretend nothing has happened, act exactly how I was before? This was probably mild flirting on my part (im never sure, its not really intentional), and just joking around in general. Or do I just keep contact to a minimum with him, and be a bit more 'cold' than normal?

[Darren Steez]

On the contrary you didn't misread the situation at all. He's running game on you. It's a pick-up artist tactic, keep you on the hook but seem uninterested. A push and pull. He gives you a gift, then next talks about going out to get other chicks. He's hoping you'll start fighting for his attention, you do that, he'll probably ignore you even more.

 

I agree, you already see where this is going. Your house is supposed to be your sanctum, a place you can rest and recharge away from the BS. You go this route, you'll be waiting up to see when he comes home, uncomfortable atmospheres.. There is a reason why you don't date roommates!

Stop this before it goes any further.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you so much, Justanaverageguy, that was really helpful! I will turn down his next offer of gifts/dates (if he even bothers)- but should I also just be unresponsive to his flirting or is that being too childish? Obviously I can't just avoid him, because that would make me look like he's hurt me and I don't want him to know that.

 

Is it best to just pretend nothing has happened, act exactly how I was before? This was probably mild flirting on my part (im never sure, its not really intentional), and just joking around in general. Or do I just keep contact to a minimum with him, and be a bit more 'cold' than normal?

 

Also stop over thinking about how to act around him. You'll come off as inauthentic, fake and forced. You know the difference between flirting and not flirting, just don't flirt, even when he takes it there, bat it off and change the subject.

 

You don't have to be cold. Just treat him like a roommate. He'll soon get the picture.

[malxme]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Its a crappy situation I've gotten myself into. I think the problem I have is that i am really quite keen on him, so when he's nice to me or flirts with me I can't help but respond to it (stupid girl brain). And because he gives me mixed signals, I guess it gives me hope that it could be something more. And this is where I see it is a clever tactic to keep me interested!

 

I wish I understood why. He's already said he doesn't think it would be a good idea/he doesn't know what he wants. I'd say thats a pretty clear "no thanks!". And I've made it perfectly clear that im most definitely interested in him, but will let it go and stick to just being flatmates. So why the games/mixed signals? He has nothing to gain other than making an innocent female go crazy at him if he doesn't knock it off!!! arghhhh.

 

He must know how confusing he has been (telling his mum about me, then going completely cold), which is why I'm asking how I should behave around him. I want him to know that if he isn't interested then he can't treat me that way because its just not fair... when he does nice things/says nice things, it makes me wonder if he just needs more time to know how he feels about me and that is a dangerous trail of thoughts to go down! Having hope when I shouldn't is not a good thing for me!

 

And yes yes yes, I KNOW its bad to get involved with a flatmate. Unfortunately I happened to move in with this amazing guy and then accidentally had a few too many drinks around him. GAH!

[Justanaverageguy]

Is it best to just pretend nothing has happened, act exactly how I was before? This was probably mild flirting on my part (im never sure, its not really intentional), and just joking around in general. Or do I just keep contact to a minimum with him, and be a bit more 'cold' than normal?

 

It depends on what you want from him and this situation. Me personally - if I had a girl who was screwing me around like that it's not the type of girl I would want to date anyway. If I lived with them .... I would definitely not be interested in pursuing anything further. Bad news and asking for drama in your home which can just turn bad. But from the way you have over analysed everything and are worried about what to do .... I think I already know what your thinking so I'm going to give you some more info to explain what is going on which you can use how you please. Try and get the guy - or play with his head ... do what ever you please.

 

You don't know it but the reason you are obsessing a bit about how to behave is because you have fallen into the "attraction" game. This is what the player wants - this is what it is designed to do. Make you feel uncertain - and continue thinking and obsessing about the guy. Why doesn't he like you ... what did you do wrong ? Why did he buy me a gift after telling me he wasn't interested ? That's all you can think about - emotional quicksand that you are stuck in. See people don't realize but "attraction" happens primarily when you are not with a person. It is not just the time you spend together that counts .... it is whether they can keep you thinking about them when they are not around. Sounds weird I know - but how long have you been thinking about him because of what happened ? You can't figure him out ... he is so mysterious. You have thought about him so much you convinced yourself you must like him. A huge part of this is caused by one of the most basic and powerful things about human nature. Your brain is programmed to always want what you can't have. Why ? Because if it's hard to get it must be valuable.

 

And that is the primary element that controls the rules of "the game". It is essentially a delicate game of "chase". Players love the chase .... but they get bored when it is too easy. They don't value the person if they are easy to obtain. During the initial chase stage the woman needs to lead the guy on but make getting her hard enough to keep him interested. You want to be flirty but make him work to get you to go on dates, work to get you to have sex ... nothing drives a guy more nuts then a girl who leads him on but doesn't go all the way.

 

In this case the reason he "thew you back" is you were too easy for him to catch. (Sorry don't mean to be mean). Now he has thrown you back he gets to play the game all over again. (thus the gift he gave you). But see what he is subtly trying to tell you here is he does not want the game to be that easy. He wants you to make him work for it. The guys who do this continually say they aren't looking for girlfriends - just sex. But that's not at all true .... he could probably use you for sex for a while if he wanted to. What they are really looking for is the game - which does lead to girlfriends and wives.

 

What often ends up happening is when a player finally finds a girl who is genuinely not interested or taken so continually knocks them back ..... they go falling head over heals in love with her. Why because she makes them chase and chase and chase. They build the girl up in their head even though she is maybe less attractive or intelligent then other girls they have pursued. She made them work for it - so they see her as valuable. Even though they are players - a lot don't really understand how the attraction game works. They just like their fun. But in reality Hard to get = Falling in love.

 

So if you want to get this guy - or you are just bored and like drama in your life - you may want to turn the tables. In which case flirt it up a little, lead him on and make him think there is easy sex on offer - but then continually knock him back when ever he tries anything. If you really want to mess with his head - have a few glasses of wine and lead him on with a few suggestive remarks about how he was great in bed and you really just need to get laid and then when he tries something tell him you really really want to - but now you decided to be "just friends" it wouldn't be fair. Plus tell him there is a guy from work you are interested in and have started seeing so it wouldn't be right. Then just go to bed.

 

He will go nuts. I give it a week before he is at your door groveling

Edited September 22, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[malxme]

....he cooked me dinner and I let him.... I am weak willed! I fell into the trap! He offered and I refused him twice but he insisted... dammit I should have said no and walked away right?!

 

I wish I'd seen your comment first! As much as I do like him, I am really unimpressed with how he has treated me so I must be honest I am intrigued by the idea of playing games right back at him. Although I know im not likely to be able to pull it off and play hard to get. Case in point letting him cook me dinner again.... I will try to be strong!

[Justanaverageguy]

Haha ok I can see you are definitely going down the path with this guy regardless of the red flags and the fact he is your house mate.

 

So that being the case - don't worry let him cook you dinner. That's completely fine - Just don't give him anything in return If you are going to do this then you actually want him doing things for you - you just don't want to be giving him an immediate pay off for it. No sex etc etc. And definitely what ever you do - don't be throwing out how you really, really like him and want to be in a relationship from the get go.

 

Based on some of the other stuff you wrote - it might just be that you spooked him and came on too strong too early. He might be acting confused - because he is. He likes you .... but it all seemed too easy and happened too fast so now he is not sure. I have had it happen to me and I am not a player. Hot girl, great date. Then at the end of the night she declares how much she likes you and wants to be your girlfriend. To a guy that is just too fast.

 

As per previous post you need him to feel like he has to work for your attention - cooking you dinner is an example of that. The courting stage is a process guys NEED to go through with a girl if they are going to commit to them. You have to feel each other, play the game a bit and both decide if you want to be in a relationship. Telling him you do after 1 date ruins that process and makes him feel like your ready to commit to soon. (Not hard to get = no game = no value).

 

If you do actually like the guy, don't worry about the mind games just have a bit of fun with making him actually earn your attention and affection. Guys do actually enjoy it.

[malxme]

I swear I'm not intentionally being an idiot haha. I do know how absolutely stupud it is getting involved with a flatmate. Unfortunately I'm the kind of person that if I like someone, thats it. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? And its been made worse by him responding by flirting etc. I am trying to draw the line and just be friends with him, buy I guess I cant help but gravitate toward him because I enjoy his company very much. I did attempt to say no to dinner at least 3 times, but just gave in because it seemed very sweet. And well, I was hungry haha.

 

I did wonder if I scared him off. This confuses me because it was him suggesting we take it further etc, while I held back and let him call the shots.

 

I will do my best to stay away from him, and find someone else!

[preraph]

I think him saying he was going out with the girls was him just reinforcing what he'd said about you two not staying together and being an item, making sure you understand that. He probably figures he'll see how awkward it gets and if it's not too bad, maybe stay there. But you seem uncomfortable with it, understandable, so you need to decide what to tell him on the living arrangements.

[malxme]

Okay and whats your opinion on him giving me a present and offering to cook me dinner? Is he just trying to be nice, maybe make peace? I wonder if maybe I am reading too much into his actions, and I don't want to bring it up with him if I'm just over reacting and he's just being a nice flatmate! Being a girl that reeeeeally tends to over think things, If I do things like what he is doing there is generally meaning behind it. I cook dinner for people I care about, but perhaps for men its just a normal thing to do! Wish I could turn my stupid feelings off.

 

Thanks so much for the advice! It really helps to get different views to see all sides to it!

[snowflakes88]

He's told you flat out he isn't interested on multiple occasions. I wouldn't read anything into him cooking you dinner other than he's being a nice roommate. You will drive yourself absolutely nuts if you ignore what he is telling you and try to interpret everything he does as a sign that he didn't mean it / really is interested. I don't see this ending well, tbh. How are you going to cope when he meets someone he does see himself settling down with and has her over?

[Elle1975]

Him not seeing you as marriage material, because that's what it comes down to, doesn't mean he's going to start acting like a dck.

 

Not interested doesn't mean he's going to treat you badly.

 

Seriously, best advice? Date someone else. "If" he is ever to change his mind (unlikely), you need to show him you aren't willing to wait it out. Just go live your life.

 

So no.. doesn't mean anything. If anything, he could get nookie out of a dinner, and he knows it.