Emotional Abuse?

[winterpast]

I've been with my H for 11 years, married for 6 years. In the last 3 years (since DS was born) things have been getting bad. H took a job as a Store Manager and uses being salaried paid as a reason to be at work all the time. He never gets any rest and the more he strains himself the more hateful he gets.

 

For the last six months he has been extremely short tempered. We went on vacation with my side of the family and even they noticed how he puts me down in front of people. I don't even remember what he said exactly because I zone out when he does it. All I know is that it upset my sister and mother.

 

The more stressed he is at work the more he seems to take it out on me. Two minutes into a phone conversation and he is already screaming at me for bothering him. He has a female friend that used to work at his store but transferred to another one, that he texts throughout the day. He says that it's ok to talk to her that much because it's just about work and the conversations are short. I told him I think it's not good if he's able to have normal (nice) conversations with her but flips out on me. He says it's not the same thing because it's easier to talk to people that are an acquaintance than it is your spouse.

 

He gets upset if I give any opinions in anything he's talking about (mostly work drama) and will say "I wish I never talked to you about it". He says this even if it's something I agree with him on. Then, if I back off and try to stay out of his way then he gets upset at me for not paying enough attention to him.

 

For the past month, he's been punching the pillows in bed in his sleep. I wake up from it because he's so violent and I am unable to wake him. Then last night he got an inch from my face and said "do you want me to rip your f#cking face off" while he was asleep. I told him about it this morning and he got defensive and upset at me for being concerned about it. He said I should know better than to think he will hurt me by accident.

 

Most of the time he will apologize after blowing up on me and say it's because of work and he's overwhelmed. Tries to do the "I'm sorry I will change". This usually lasts two or three days.

 

I feel like if he is truly this stressed about work then why is he able to be so nice to his coworker and everyone else? If he can control his emotions with her then he can with me. But again he says that it's different for him to talk to an acquaintance than be able to have a reasonable conversation with me.

 

I feel like I'm in an abusive marriage and I don't trust him to not be even more violent in the future. Am I wrong?

 

 

ETA: I asked him how he would feel if I did this to him and he said that he would be mad and feel unimportant but he doesn't understand why I'm upset about it.

Edited September 20, 2014 by winterpast

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I believe it is all from the job. He is stressing out, and does not know how to talk about his feelings. He needs to find some way of releasing his stress, or find another job.

[winterpast]

I believe it is all from the job. He is stressing out, and does not know how to talk about his feelings. He needs to find some way of releasing his stress, or find another job.

 

Thank you for responding. I do believe it is from the job as well but he's been dead set on staying where he is at. He says he doesn't have time to get help.

 

Is it wrong to leave or am I suppose to stick through it.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

That is a call you must make for yourself.

 

If you feel you can't take it anymore, then you must do what you need to do to stay mentally stable. Having so much abuse will wear you down and take away your self esteem.

 

I don't know if you can get him to talk about work to relieve his stress or just give some understanding. That may relieve his acting out of resentment of his job on you.

 

There are some drugs to assist with disorders. He would have to see a professional about relieving stress. It may be anxiety issues that never shown until now. Once propery treated his condition will subside.

[travelbug1996]

Why do you let him put you down in front of other people? Why do you "zone out" instead of saying "don't talk to me like that"?

 

You have to set boundaries and enforce them with this person. He has no respect for you because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

He knows he's wrong but figures if you allow it, why not. You're not emotionally abused, you're emotionally dependent. If you don't draw a line somewhere it will get worse and worse.

 

Start setting boundaries and if he doesn't respect them- Leave. You are creating a monster when you let people treat you like this.

 

 

When he's in a bad mood or being mean, leave the room or the house.

 

When he speaks with you in a disrespectful way, speak up. If he does it again leave.

 

You have to show him you will not allow his disrespect. He can go find another punching bag.

Edited September 20, 2014 by travelbug1996

[winterpast]

Why do you let him put you down in front of other people? Why do you "zone out" instead of saying "don't talk to me like that"?

 

You have to set boundaries and enforce them with this person. He has no respect for you because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

He knows he's wrong but figures if you allow it, why not. You're not emotionally abused, you're emotionally dependent. If you don't draw a line somewhere it will get worse and worse.

 

Start setting boundaries and if he doesn't respect them- Leave. You are creating a monster when you let people treat you like this.

 

 

When he's in a bad mood or being mean, leave the room or the house.

 

When he speaks with you in a disrespectful way, speak up. If he does it again leave.

 

You have to show him you will not allow his disrespect. He can go find another punching bag.

 

I can only say that I "zone" out because when I say anything to him about it he blows up in front of our 3-year old and tells me I'm picking fights. If I wait till DS is asleep then H will yell and argue with me till 4 or 5 am. I just rather not go through that and so I don't listen to him when he's being sarcastic or mean.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Why do you let him put you down in front of other people? Why do you "zone out" instead of saying "don't talk to me like that"?

 

You have to set boundaries and enforce them with this person. He has no respect for you because you don't stand up for yourself.

 

He knows he's wrong but figures if you allow it, why not. You're not emotionally abused, you're emotionally dependent. If you don't draw a line somewhere it will get worse and worse.

 

Start setting boundaries and if he doesn't respect them- Leave. You are creating a monster when you let people treat you like this.

 

 

When he's in a bad mood or being mean, leave the room or the house.

 

When he speaks with you in a disrespectful way, speak up. If he does it again leave.

 

You have to show him you will not allow his disrespect. He can go find another punching bag.

 

I truly feel he has an underlying anxiety issue boarding bipolar that became active with his job.

 

Reasons being... Sleeping disorder, pillow scrunching or pinching. Spontaneous snappy behavior to wife, even when light issues arise.

 

His wife is at wits end and knows that he is a good man, just the job has turned him into a monster.

 

If anything tossing the husband to fix the issue is backwards in my opinion, but if there is no options, then yes she must look out for herself.

 

I hope a professional can assist under work related disability, they will pay for 6 sessions and during the session if needed drugs to relieve the symptoms from stress and anxiety will make life better for the both of them.

[winterpast]

I truly feel he has an underlying anxiety issue boarding bipolar that became active with his job.

 

Reasons being... Sleeping disorder, pillow scrunching or pinching. Spontaneous snappy behavior to wife, even when light issues arise.

 

His wife is at wits end and knows that he is a good man, just the job has turned him into a monster.

 

If anything tossing the husband to fix the issue is backwards in my opinion, but if there is no options, then yes she must look out for herself.

 

I hope a professional can assist under work related disability, they will pay for 6 sessions and during the session if needed drugs to relieve the symptoms from stress and anxiety will make life better for the both of them.

 

Only thing is he has been see a psychiatrist for 3+ years. He takes celexa and xanax for mental issues. She's tried to put him on another anti-drepressant and Ambien in addition to what he is already on and he was black out and not remembering times when he would be sitting in a room talking to himself or threatening to kill himself with a gun.

 

He's on other meds for various other physical medical issues.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Only thing is he has been see a psychiatrist for 3+ years. He takes celexa and xanax for mental issues. She's tried to put him on another anti-drepressant and Ambien in addition to what he is already on and he was black out and not remembering times when he would be sitting in a room talking to himself or threatening to kill himself with a gun.

 

He's on other meds for various other physical medical issues.

 

OK, now that the big picture is before me... either he needs a change with dosage or other meds that may do a better job.

 

This is a terrible thing, it seems more deep than just the job. You and your child do not need to deal with it, while there is no guarantee how soon any help will work for him. It may be a month or much longer to get his emotional balance right.

 

Best to look out for what best for you and your child, and hope he makes arrangments to get sorted out soon. It is not good having him try to maintain with the job stress levels he is taking on.

[GemmaUK]

Is there any way you can speak to his psychiatrist privately to let her know how his behaviour has changed?

He probably can't see all the changes that you have seen in him so he won't even be communicating them to her.

 

It all sounds like he was OK or stable at least and that this is big change in him and that could be due to drugs or doses disagreeing with each other.

 

Was life like this before or was this a slow build up or a fast change in his behaviour?

 

Ultimately your safety and that of your child are of the highest importance but if life was good and normal before then there may be something that set it off that you and the psych could pin point.

[winterpast]

Is there any way you can speak to his psychiatrist privately to let her know how his behaviour has changed?

He probably can't see all the changes that you have seen in him so he won't even be communicating them to her.

 

It all sounds like he was OK or stable at least and that this is big change in him and that could be due to drugs or doses disagreeing with each other.

 

Was life like this before or was this a slow build up or a fast change in his behaviour?

 

Ultimately your safety and that of your child are of the highest importance but if life was good and normal before then there may be something that set it off that you and the psych could pin point.

 

I've asked him if he has mentioned to her the anger issues or some other things that have been going on and his response was that is was none of the therapist's business. He just wants her to address what he wants to address and that's it. So he picks and chooses what he tells her just to get his meds refilled.

 

A few months before DS was born I noticed that he was having a hard time with anger issues. He was mad all of the time after he had a falling out with a friend. H had invited this friend/coworker to come live with us because this guy told him he had no where to go. This person was suppose to stay only a few weeks. After three months we found out I was pregnant and I told H this friend needed to move out. H said that he gave his friend his word and that he would divorce me before going back on that word. Finanlly, H agreed to make the friend move out and soon after, H found out that this friend was stealing from the company they worked for. H was pissed and started to have serious anger issues for several months after that. I told him to see a therapist and get things under control before the baby was here. His anger has steadily gotten worse since.

 

A year after that H got a job as Store Manager and had to commute a hour to work. He was working so much that he would be there all day and night. He would come home for two hours and then go back. During this time he was becoming close friends with a female coworker who always had some sob story about her life. He wanted to help her out and always talked about her at home. I told him I was very uncomfortable with his closeness with her. After that he started to hide his communications with her, threatened to divorce me, refused to unfriend her on facebook, etc.

 

He lost his job at that company and now is a Store Manager of another. The female coworker he is talking to now is working in another town and ever since she transferred away he's been talking to her more and more. She was in a bad marriage and going through a lot with her now ex and H would talk to her on the phone for hours giving her "advice" and such. He used to complain about her when he worked with her but now considers her a close friend.

 

He says he does things opposite of what I ask him when it comes to this women is because he wants to show me that I don't 'own' him. Even though it was tearing me up and causing extreme depression in me he would still continue with the hiding and lying. He said he was pissed at me for not caring about how much he worked and wanted to rebel. I did care about how much he worked, that's why I begged and pleaded for him to cut back on hours so he could take better care of himself. He thinks showing that I care should mean that I praise and thank him for working this much. Anything less means that I don't appreciate anything.

 

 

I don't know if this helps but this is the history in a nutshell for the last three years.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

He has taken deep resentment over the telling the friend to move out.

 

So every wee thing you have asked of him is being added to the ball of resentment.

 

I don't think there is nothing you can do to make him feel that you are not controlling him. As it seems every question to have him do anything is being thrown into the fire.

 

I think separating would be best and see if he is willing to turn things around, as he is not willing to address what is bothering him.

 

Even if you should take on in trying to resolve, he may turn on you for opening wounds. He does not seem stable enough to allow you to break through, or anyone else for that matter.

 

I am sorry to be so blunt, but you need hope and strength. All he is doing is zapping that away from you.

 

If you should separate, do not give in to pitty or in expectations that he will try. He must show you and if he does become isolated, there are means to have him treated.

[travelbug1996]

I can only say that I "zone" out because when I say anything to him about it he blows up in front of our 3-year old and tells me I'm picking fights. If I wait till DS is asleep then H will yell and argue with me till 4 or 5 am. I just rather not go through that and so I don't listen to him when he's being sarcastic or mean.

 

it sounds like a no win situation. i would seriously consider leaving this person. you have to believe deeply that you deserve better in order to do that though.

 

i left my abuser 20 years ago and would never allow someone to yell/belittle me ever again.

 

best wishes.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like he definitely picks and chooses what to say to his psych.

 

I also think this is a no win situation now that you've elaborated on it.

 

He is like a toddler and is manipulating everyone around him.The thing is toddlers only go as far as running and hiding in a store to see if mum misses them.

Your H is behaving like a toddler but in much more serious ways and has been for a long time.

 

Much of my last ex's behaviour I likened to toddler behaviour (but again it was worse and more serious than that). It was only a short relationship but I knew I needed to get out asap. It took two attempts as once I first tried to break up he came back all sweetness and light and promising to change. He didn't of course and then over the next few months I had so much else going on and the added stress of his behaviour left me to exhausted to even try to break up again.

 

One night we had a huge argument. He had been trying to control me a lot and in some really childish ways, I felt really smothered and was asking hm to stop acting like he was. I remember feeling fear during that argument and I ran and locked myself in the toilet. Next day he told me he would never hit me. It seemed a bit of a strange thing to come out with.

I couldn't get away as I had no transport so I just 'made the best' of that weekend and faked it.

 

I finally got home and there were plans to see each other again in two weeks and I had to book a train ticket.

 

I spent the week thinking about everything and made excuses for not having booked my ticket and said I would do it at the weekend.

 

I even went on to the website for tickets and I could not click 'buy'. So instead I texted him that it was over. Cowards way out but I didn't want him to try and talk me around again.

He did accept it this time but I had a lot of follow on problems with him over the next 5 months.

 

Around Christmas/New Year (8/9 months after the break up) I began remembering all of the bizarre things he had done and was seriously questioning why on earth he had behaved that way. He was a gent and a charmer and everyone liked him yet with me he could be so different.

 

I ended up reading up on controlling men to see if there really wassomething behind it. This led me to a book 'How to spot a dangerous man before getting involved'. It explained so so so much to me - which was good - he was basically chapters one and two(each chapter describes a different type of abusive man). I stopped reading after those two chapters.

 

But... I still couldn't stop thoughts popping into my mind.It was also all too bizarre to talk about to anyone as the memories were about tiny little things which didn't seem worth even mentioning.

I still to some degree felt in his grip and I couldn't figure out why.

 

Then one day out of nowhere I had a memory of something and I went completely numb and started shaking. My jaw pretty much hit the floor.

I remembered seeing him in the living room door way after he followed me out of the room while shouting at me. I had always remembered that part but this time I also remembered that he raised his hand up and just left it there in the air. I hadn't remembered this before - but that was the point where I felt fear and ran to the toilet.

It also explained why the next day he said he would never hit me.

 

I picked up that book again and went to the last chapter - the physical abuser and that was when it all added up.

The book has check lists of signs of all of the different types of abusive people. Some of them seem inconsequential but put together they make sense .

He scored 21 out of the 26 signs of a physical abuser.

 

That was just my example.

 

The kind of behaviour you're describing isn't going to go away and will likely get worse...to what level you won't know until it happens but you have enough to go on right now to know that living with his anger is just one sign and enough that you shouldn't be sticking around with this guy.

[singsparkles]

I've been with my H for 11 years, married for 6 years. In the last 3 years (since DS was born) things have been getting bad. H took a job as a Store Manager and uses being salaried paid as a reason to be at work all the time. He never gets any rest and the more he strains himself the more hateful he gets.

 

For the last six months he has been extremely short tempered. We went on vacation with my side of the family and even they noticed how he puts me down in front of people. I don't even remember what he said exactly because I zone out when he does it. All I know is that it upset my sister and mother.

 

The more stressed he is at work the more he seems to take it out on me. Two minutes into a phone conversation and he is already screaming at me for bothering him. He has a female friend that used to work at his store but transferred to another one, that he texts throughout the day. He says that it's ok to talk to her that much because it's just about work and the conversations are short. I told him I think it's not good if he's able to have normal (nice) conversations with her but flips out on me. He says it's not the same thing because it's easier to talk to people that are an acquaintance than it is your spouse.

 

He gets upset if I give any opinions in anything he's talking about (mostly work drama) and will say "I wish I never talked to you about it". He says this even if it's something I agree with him on. Then, if I back off and try to stay out of his way then he gets upset at me for not paying enough attention to him.

 

For the past month, he's been punching the pillows in bed in his sleep. I wake up from it because he's so violent and I am unable to wake him. Then last night he got an inch from my face and said "do you want me to rip your f#cking face off" while he was asleep. I told him about it this morning and he got defensive and upset at me for being concerned about it. He said I should know better than to think he will hurt me by accident.

 

Most of the time he will apologize after blowing up on me and say it's because of work and he's overwhelmed. Tries to do the "I'm sorry I will change". This usually lasts two or three days.

 

I feel like if he is truly this stressed about work then why is he able to be so nice to his coworker and everyone else? If he can control his emotions with her then he can with me. But again he says that it's different for him to talk to an acquaintance than be able to have a reasonable conversation with me.

 

I feel like I'm in an abusive marriage and I don't trust him to not be even more violent in the future. Am I wrong?

 

 

ETA: I asked him how he would feel if I did this to him and he said that he would be mad and feel unimportant but he doesn't understand why I'm upset about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My question is, was he like this when you first met or got married? Were there ever signs of him having a temper, and have they just gotten worse throughout the years?

 

It honestly seems like he has anger issues and maybe he has problems that are more deep rooted than you even know. Have you tried to sit him down and talk to him about it? Maybe ask him if anything is wrong and if he needs to talk about things, you are there for him. Try to be supportive and see if it works.

 

As for him acting that way toward you, it is COMPLETE emotional abuse and you don't deserve that at all! You are truly getting the weak end of the stick. Everything he is feeling, he is taking it out on you, and after he vents to you, he is able to be nice to everyone else. And its completely unfair to you.

 

11 years is a long time to be together, and I wouldn't just walk away from it. I would try and make it work. I think communication is key and I don't think you understand why hes treating you like this and its something you need to get to the bottom of.

 

He obviously knows its an issue bc he says he is sorry a lot. But sorry really doesn't change anything. If he loves you, he has to be willing to confront these deep seated issues and change and treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

 

I think all in all, there needs to be a HUGE conversation about your feelings, his feelings , etc, and there needs to be understanding.

 

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I know how emotional abuse feels, and it's worse than physical abuse, truly.

 

I hope you two are able to talk it out and become even closer than before. If he is able to be honest with you about why hes feeling the way he is, it might just bring you two closer. He might be hiding pain and hurt somewhere from his past, etc, and he may be keeping it from you so you don't feel a burden on your shoulders. I don't know him, but I'm just analyzing,

 

 

I wish you all the best in the world, you deserve everything and more and you deserve happiness and deserve a man who treats you like the wonderful woman you are!!!!

[GemmaUK]

Sing

 

Reading a few more of the OP's posts should give you the answers.

 

This has been building up over time.

[LoneIsland]

Thank you for responding. I do believe it is from the job as well but he's been dead set on staying where he is at. He says he doesn't have time to get help.

 

Is it wrong to leave or am I suppose to stick through it.

 

You are the only stress outlet he has. Leaving him is probably the only option. What about a trial leave ? If it improves when you come back, then the problem is fixed. But leaving him, even for trial, will pile even more stress on him and there is a danger of him flipping out.