He cheated - AGAIN! - but wants to "talk about it"

[Lernaean_Hydra]

My posts tend to run long but since I'm short on time and need advice I'll be as brief as possible.

 

Last night I found out my BF cheated on me, again. Early in the spring he revealed to me he cheated previously in 2013 in the first few months of our relationship. I was hurt, but forgave the indiscretion after we amended the terms of our relationship, and laid out some new and more concrete ground/restrictions.

 

Without getting too into detail, he, again, revealed to me he had recently cheated on at least two occasions with the same girl. Words were exchanged, mostly on my part, (via text no less!) and I've decided I am totally done. However, now he is begging me to "talk" face to face - a rare occurrence since he's cripplingly conflict avoidant and runs from serious discussion like the plague. It's also basically fruitless since I've already made my decision.

 

But, I can't resist the urge to get everything off my chest in person. There is pretty much zero chance I will forgive him this time as I DO NOT give third chances (and rarely second) however I am extremely tempted to agree to a private meeting. Despite the harsh words I've already spoken, I fully believe he still thinks there's "hope" for us yet. Because of this, I need to him to look me in the eye, I need to see him when I fully unburden myself of all the hate I feel towards him and most importantly of all, I need him to hear me, I mean really hear me when I say what I have to say.

 

So, the question is, do I agree to see him tonight though my motives are purely selfish and cruel or continue to tell him to lose my number and rot in hell as I already have done?

Edited September 21, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

He deserves to hear you say all that you have to say to him. I would not hold back on giving him a telling. At least you are strong. Hopefully there will not be another like him in your future.

[Darren Steez]

Do you what you need to do then move on. Most likely he'll come to you full of remorse, tugging on your heart strings etc.

 

If he's coming to apologize then cool. If he's coming over to try and explain why he did it, that it was a mistake (same girl, not likely) and trying to get back with you, then let him have it.

 

Either way, tell him bye bye. You deserve better

[Lernaean_Hydra]

FWIW, I've postponed the meet until tomorrow or some other time next week since I'm still unsure about not only what I should say but also HOW to say it so that it has the meaning I want it to have. That said, I do appreciate both your responses.

[No Limit]

Just let him speak (but try not to laugh him out for whatever poor excuses his little brain may come up with) and then give him a good kick - in the face, just like he wants it. Tell him his issues are not yours, and maybe recommend a good therapist so he may learn what real respect to your partner is like.

 

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Els]

 

So, the question is, do I agree to see him tonight though my motives are purely selfish and cruel or continue to tell him to lose my number and rot in hell as I already have done?

 

At this point, I don't think it matters, so do whatever you feel best doing as long as the end result is a good and well-deserved dumping.

 

Just be sure he doesn't manage to wheedle you into giving him a second chance. The risk of that is higher in person, I think.

[somedude81]

Why would you meet with him again?

 

You already know that he's complete scum. What do you hope to accomplish?

[Zahara]

Having had an ex do the same thing to me, I would recommend you walk away. You get absolutely nothing from it.

 

If he never cared about you then, he certainly won't care about your thoughts, words and feelings now. You'd be better off lashing out at a brick wall.

 

I'm not sure what "meaning" you're trying to point out to him because if he has no moral decency to realize and understand what he's doing, and having done this to you more than once, I am not sure if your words will create any effect on him. He hurt you then, he witnessed the aftermath. He still did it again. There is no care for your "meaning".

 

When someone disrespects you this way, don't even invest anymore time engaging with them.

 

Be careful with meeting up. You maybe lured in like you did the other time.

[heartshaped]

This happened to me. Only difference is the way I reacted, I simply didn't. I had already spelled out to him the rules and regulations of our relationship. Any cheating on his part- emotional or physical- would equal me leaving.

 

What do you have to gain by telling him off? Nothing, nothing at all, but showing you even care when he's already showed you he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings.

 

Do not give this man the curtesy of a meeting, a phone call, a text message, or even a thought because he does not deserve it. Do not begin to lower yourself to the point of cursing him out or yelling at him or calling him names because it simply does not matter.

 

What's done is done and I assure you none of that is really going to make him feel guilty or remorseful or sad- people like him don't feel things like normal people do. All they think of is themselves and self gratification. Meeting with him will only further service him. Do not entertain him. Delete his number, block him, and refuse to see him.

[Elle1975]

I'd say go for it. Just keep in mind that you might not get the satisfaction you're looking for.

[2sunny]

You've made your decision. I can't see the value in meeting him.

 

He's likely to say everything he thinks you want to hear so that you don't think he's a cheater.

 

Not worth the wasted time in my opinion.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Why would you meet with him again?

 

You already know that he's complete scum. What do you hope to accomplish?

 

Because....

I need to him to look me in the eye, I need to see him when I fully unburden myself of all the hate I feel towards him and most importantly of all, I need him to hear me, I mean really hear me when I say what I have to say.

[somedude81]

So you just want to see him so you can scream and cuss him out?

 

Doesn't that seem a bit below you?

[heartshaped]

So you just want to see him so you can scream and cuss him out?

 

Doesn't that seem a bit below you?

 

She's upset and she thinks doing this is going to make her feel better; that somehow this will be "not letting him off the hook".

 

And after she sees him and does this she'll realize that nothing is going to make her feel better short of moving on.

 

It's like they say- the best revenge is living well.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So you just want to see him so you can scream and cuss him out?

 

Doesn't that seem a bit below you?

 

No, not really. And I'm not being flippant either. I'm not big on bottling emotion. One reasonable outburst however and I'm fine after that for the most part. It's cathartic.

[mammasita]

I absolutely get the need for wanting to scream and yell at him and get it out of your system, but honestly NOT meeting him and just washing your hands would rock his world and bruise his ego SO much more. He only wants to see you because he's plotting to make you "see" how sorry he is. Totally pointless IMO.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

She's upset and she thinks doing this is going to make her feel better; that somehow this will be "not letting him off the hook".

 

And after she sees him and does this she'll realize that nothing is going to make her feel better short of moving on.

 

Well no. To be honest it actually would make me feel better. I'm not hurt, I've moved past that; all I feel now is anger. Anger which I'd like to get off my chest completely before I have a chat with the OW so as not to project.

[clia]

I say no. He wants to see you in person. You deny that. You win. The end.

 

And cut off all contact forever, via any means. Block. I wouldn't give a guy who cheated on me the satisfaction of seeing me ever again.

 

Write lots of letters to him to get your anger off your chest -- letters that you will never, ever send. You can post them here, though, and we will cheer you on!

[CrystalCastles]

I don't think you should go. Why? Because you'll be wasting precious minutes of your life, your breath and your energy talking to that worm. He's a worm, not worth acknowledging or addressing or even screaming at. He's probably pollute the same air you're breathing anyway.

 

As clia said, write some angry letters, don't send them, and put him on ignore. There are many great guys out there who ARE worth your attention and time! Focus on them instead!

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Write lots of letters to him to get your anger off your chest -- letters that you will never, ever send. You can post them here, though, and we will cheer you on!

 

I don't know, that just sounds like a lot of impotent rage IMO. I've tried the letter writing thing in the past (only I burned them afterward) and I felt no better than I had before. I know part of this is the impulsiveness of youth and the other is my upbringing - there was a lot of yelling in my household and conflicts between my parents were 'resolved' via verbal lashing out.

 

I feel stuck. I know, I mean I know writing him off completely would be the best course of action but it seems so....hollow.

[Keke1]

I don't know, that just sounds like a lot of impotent rage IMO. I've tried the letter writing thing in the past (only I burned them afterward) and I felt no better than I had before. I know part of this is the impulsiveness of youth and the other is my upbringing - there was a lot of yelling in my household and conflicts between my parents were 'resolved' via verbal lashing out.

 

I feel stuck. I know, I mean I know writing him off completely would be the best course of action but it seems so....hollow.

 

Hollow meaning you want to be friends? I wouldn't give him any satisfaction. He probably wants you to yell and curse him out.

[Natsu21]

I'm shocked at you, Lernea.

 

I'd think you of all people wouldn't fall into this pit. This is how it starts.

 

You say you wanna yell and curse him out, but in reality, you hope that he somehow convinces you that maybe there's a reason that he cheated and it can be fixed.

 

Wanna bitch about him? Do it with a friend. You're just inviting temptation in by meeting him, and telling us otherwise isn't going to convince us. You want him back but your pride is telling you no.

 

Want him out of your life? Get rid of him without a word. Yell at someone else, write him a letter, and throw it out. Best revenge is getting a better life, but if you MUST yell at him, know that it won't change things.

[Natsu21]

Hollow meaning you want to be friends? I wouldn't give him any satisfaction. He probably wants you to yell and curse him out.

 

When women say they want to be friends with a man, they hardly ever mean it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Hollow meaning you want to be friends?

 

Hell no, not at all. I don't work like that. There is no bone in my body that wants to be friends. The only feelings I have towards him are rage and disgust.

 

I'm shocked at you, Lernea.

 

I'd think you of all people wouldn't fall into this pit. This is how it starts.

 

You say you wanna yell and curse him out, but in reality, you hope that he somehow convinces you that maybe there's a reason that he cheated and it can be fixed.

 

No, I'm too disgusted by both him and the person he cheated with. He cheated down, way down. That alone is something I cannot ever forgive. There is literally nothing he can say that would change my mind. Besides, I already know the reason he cheated...it's because he's a hoe plain and simple.

 

Wanna bitch about him? Do it with a friend.

 

Bitching to my friends has helped, but only a little. Mostly they're encouraging me to do awful, violent/destructive things OR telling me we're young and I should give him another shot.

 

You're just inviting temptation in by meeting him, and telling us otherwise isn't going to convince us. You want him back but your pride is telling you no.

 

I understand that you don't really know me so your assumptions are based on perhaps what other people have done or would do but I honestly don't want him back. Naturally there's little I can say that would convince you otherwise but this is the cold hard truth. Whatever romantic feelings I ever had towards him are dead.

 

I suffer no delusions in this respect. He doesn't deserve me. Any guy who cheats on a girl who keeps up her body/appearance 24/7, is sexually adventurous and tries to be exciting/fun in all ways really doesn't deserve to be with them anymore. He forfeit that right the day he climbed into that girl's bed.

[Natsu21]

Hell no, not at all. I don't work like that. There is no bone in my body that wants to be friends. The only feelings I have towards him are rage and disgust.

 

 

 

No, I'm too disgusted by both him and the person he cheated with. He cheated down, way down. That alone is something I cannot ever forgive. There is literally nothing he can say that would change my mind. Besides, I already know the reason he cheated...it's because he's a hoe plain and simple.

 

 

 

Bitching to my friends has helped, but only a little. Mostly they're encouraging me to do awful, violent/destructive things OR telling me we're young and I should give him another shot.

 

 

 

I understand that you don't really know me so your assumptions are based on perhaps what other people have done or would do but I honestly don't want him back. Naturally there's little I can say that would convince you otherwise but this is the cold hard truth. Whatever romantic feelings I ever had towards him are dead.

 

I suffer no delusions in this respect. He doesn't deserve me. Any guy who cheats on a girl who keeps up her body/appearance 24/7, is sexually adventurous and tries to be exciting/fun in all ways really doesn't deserve to be with them anymore. He forfeit that right the day he climbed into that girl's bed.

 

^That statement has been quoted more times than I can remember by females that have said that and then gone back to the dude.

 

What do you gain from seeing him, if he already lost you? You saying that yelling at him is going to make you feel better? So tell me, knowing that you care about to yell at him, all he's gonna do is think you're crazy and clingy and respect you less. No one respects anything they didn't have to earn. You wanna make a REAL statement. Drop him fast.