He cheated - AGAIN! - but wants to "talk about it"

[Natsu21]

I would never take my ex back, but on the off chance I grow weak and change my mind, I made it so she can never reach me.

 

 

It's what I had to do, because I know I'm not always strong.

[somedude81]

As you'll answer it, take heed

This Slave commit no Violence upon

Himself. I've been deceiv'd. The Publick Safety

Requires he should be more confin'd; and none,

No not the Princes self, permitted to

Confer with him. I'll quit you to the King.

Vile and ingrate! too late thou shalt repent

The base Injustice thou hast done my Love:

Yes, thou shalt know, spite of thy past Distress,

And all those Ills which thou so long hast mourn'd;

Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd,

Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.

 

 

William Congreve, in The Mourning Bride, 1697:

[Dork Vader]

Look the ball is entirely in your court. That said take your time with the choices and words you chose.

 

 

It's been my experience that cheaters justify their actions. I did not mean too but... It means nothing to me.. blah blah blah it's always the same song and dance.

 

 

What do you feel you'll gain out of talking to him? You'll get voice your pain? Why does he need to know?

 

 

I am telling you silence is golden. If you walk away from this cleanly. If you just move on with your life. He'll have absolutely nothing but regret the rest of his life.

 

 

 

 

I just went through a very long and bad break up over sexting. I can tell you with 100% certainty I regret every mean thing I said to her. I regret the gossiping I did about her. The gossiping was more so me talking to friends, how ever.. I should not have done it as some of these people know her and it's likely going to get back to her eventually. It's going to give credence to what she's told her friends, give her justification for cheating and so much more.

 

 

I let the break up get out of control and I really regret it a lot. It only made a bad wound worse.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

^That statement has been quoted more times than I can remember by females that have said that and then gone back to the dude.

 

Well, as I said before, you're making assumptions based on what other people might do or have done. There is no going back for me. You'd really have to be inside my head to understand but I'm not really a very forgiving person. That's probably one of my worst qualities to be honest. He's the first and only person I've ever given a second chance to. There won't be a third. The idea

 

What do you gain from seeing him, if he already lost you? You saying that yelling at him is going to make you feel better? So tell me, knowing that you care about to yell at him, all he's gonna do is think you're crazy and clingy and respect you less. No one respects anything they didn't have to earn. You wanna make a REAL statement. Drop him fast.

 

Honestly yes, it really would make me feel better to yell at him. If he were a different sort of person I'd never even consider it because it would be a fruitless endeavor but he's emotionally fragile and frankly nothing would satisfy me more than to see that in action. Unfortunately my mother taught me the ability to verbally eviscerate when I am hurt. I have this twisted knack for going straight for the kill and attacking people's deepest insecurities.

[ja123]

I have this twisted knack for going straight for the kill and attacking people's deepest insecurities.

 

 

 

What are his deepest insecurities that you're going to use in your attack?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

What are his deepest insecurities that you're going to use in your attack?

 

In a nutshell? Sexual performance, looks and intelligence. The last one has always been a major point of insecurity for him but I always reassured him and played it down. There are many others but those are the first that come to mind.

[jay1983]

So what are you gonna do?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So what are you gonna do?

 

Eh? My guy friends want me to lure him to my place so they can kick his teeth in so I've been having some fun picturing that happening but no, I think I'm going to agree to a meet. I genuinely wanted to be talked out of it because what I have in mind is cruel and deeply unkind and it's been a long time since the mean bitch in me showed her face. But...the more I read "Oh just walk away" the more I think he really deserves it. There really are some people for whom simply cutting them off is way too good.

 

He's been given passes his entire life because his looks and gentle, quiet demeanor typically disarm people but I'm not swayed by any of that. Also, he has no idea I have identified and located the OW and I don't plan on dropping that bomb but I know if he thinks we might reconcile he'll be totally honest about everything that went down. Useful for information gathering purposes tbh.

[HeartDesires]

Eh? My guy friends want me to lure him to my place so they can kick his teeth in so I've been having some fun picturing that happening but no, I think I'm going to agree to a meet. I genuinely wanted to be talked out of it because what I have in mind is cruel and deeply unkind and it's been a long time since the mean bitch in me showed her face. But...the more I read "Oh just walk away" the more I think he really deserves it. There really are some people for whom simply cutting them off is way too good.

 

He's been given passes his entire life because his looks and gentle, quiet demeanor typically disarm people but I'm not swayed by any of that. Also, he has no idea I have identified and located the OW and I don't plan on dropping that bomb but I know if he thinks we might reconcile he'll be totally honest about everything that went down. Useful for information gathering purposes tbh.

 

LOL....release that inner bitch

[Keke1]

Hell no, not at all. I don't work like that. There is no bone in my body that wants to be friends. The only feelings I have towards him are rage and disgust.

 

 

 

No, I'm too disgusted by both him and the person he cheated with. He cheated down, way down. That alone is something I cannot ever forgive. There is literally nothing he can say that would change my mind. Besides, I already know the reason he cheated...it's because he's a hoe plain and simple.

 

 

 

Bitching to my friends has helped, but only a little. Mostly they're encouraging me to do awful, violent/destructive things OR telling me we're young and I should give him another shot.

 

 

 

I understand that you don't really know me so your assumptions are based on perhaps what other people have done or would do but I honestly don't want him back. Naturally there's little I can say that would convince you otherwise but this is the cold hard truth. Whatever romantic feelings I ever had towards him are dead.

 

I suffer no delusions in this respect. He doesn't deserve me. Any guy who cheats on a girl who keeps up her body/appearance 24/7, is sexually adventurous and tries to be exciting/fun in all ways really doesn't deserve to be with them anymore. He forfeit that right the day he climbed into that girl's bed.

You say he cheated down because? ??

[Diezel]

Do whatever you need to do... but I can almost guarantee that however you picture this going down, it's NOT going to.

 

You just want "closure". Closure after a relationship via a conversation is a fallacy. Do you think if you yell and voice everything you need/want to say... he is just going to sit there and TAKE IT?

 

This is a guy who cheated on you. As soon as you start saying all the scathing things you want to say and he realizes there is no turning back and you won't take him back again... what do you think he is going to do... say "You're right?"

 

At that point, that's exactly where he gets his validation for having cheated on you, because of this "dark side".

 

I know what you want to do... but by you trying to get personal satisfaction, you might risk giving him more of his own instead.

[Natsu21]

Her ego is shot. Big time.

 

She views herself as superior to the woman that he chose. Here's the rub.

 

She didn't put a gun to his head and told her to sleep with me. In fact, he probably pursued her.

 

You're giving doucherocket over here the satisfaction of seeing you mad so he can call you that crazy ex of mine.

 

You still view him as valuable. We don't yell at things we don't care about. We just move along.

 

Don't look at the girl as a downgrade. Look at him as such, but since he cheated, she's attracted, subsconsciously, to the fact that he has options and can't stand that there's another woman in the picture of what she thinks is rightfully hers.

 

All other things she's saying doesn't change that. The best way to not care is to just...not see him. Closure is some hollywood bullcrap. It doesn't exist unless you force yourself to move on. He did you wrong, so punish him by not letting him see you again.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You say he cheated down because? ??

 

Well come on, what does "cheating down" usually mean? She's unattractive and tremendously overweight for starters.

[preraph]

He thinks he can make you emotional and get you to come around in person. He knows now that you have put up with cheating once, so he did it again. He thinks you'll continue to put up with it. He didn't learn anything the first time, so you're right, it's time to cut him loose. Tell him off good and don't let him deflect any blame onto you.

[Phoe]

Well come on, what does "cheating down" usually mean? She's unattractive and tremendously overweight for starters.

 

I've found that a man "cheating up" hurts just as much as "cheating down", unfortunately.

 

I'm glad you chose not to have his teeth knocked in. Face to face meetup is best I'd say. I personally suggest you don't really let him have much chance to speak. Don't let him say the things he wants to say. Say what YOU want to say, then leave.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Her ego is shot. Big time.

 

She views herself as superior to the woman that he chose. Here's the rub.

 

She didn't put a gun to his head and told her to sleep with me. In fact, he probably pursued her.

 

I'm well aware of the fact that he likely pursued her. In fact, I don't think there is any other way this could've happened nor did I ever imply she threw herself at him. I'm not delusional. By the way, my view of the OW is based (shallowly, I know) on purely aesthetic reasons.

 

 

You're giving doucherocket over here the satisfaction of seeing you mad so he can call you that crazy ex of mine.

 

You still view him as valuable. We don't yell at things we don't care about. We just move along.

 

Don't look at the girl as a downgrade. Look at him as such, but since he cheated, she's attracted, subsconsciously, to the fact that he has options and can't stand that there's another woman in the picture of what she thinks is rightfully hers.

 

He's a good looking guy, that he has options is a given. I'm not attracted to the fact that he's pursuing those options, however.

 

Look, I appreciate you taking the time to dispense some advice but you're insanely off base here. Despite what you keep telling about how I really feel, I know my own mind. I do not view him as valuable, I do not believe he is worth fighting for nor do I want him back. I am not planning on meeting him to hear him out or see if anything can be salvaged or hoping he will change my mind. There is no excuse he can give.

 

Also, yelling at someone or being angry with them doesn't necessarily mean you care. I never understood that school of thought in which any feelings - no matter how negative - must mean deep down you "care" in any significant way.

 

Closure is some hollywood bullcrap. It doesn't exist unless you force yourself to move on. He did you wrong, so punish him by not letting him see you again.

 

Closure isn't always Hollywood BS and achieving such can take many forms. For some, simply walking away is the best option but that isn't right for me. I've gained closure with other exes where thing ended badly in various ways.

[jay1983]

Well come on, what does "cheating down" usually mean? She's unattractive and tremendously overweight for starters.

 

Baby this time I cheated on you with man. can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

He thinks he can make you emotional and get you to come around in person. He knows now that you have put up with cheating once, so he did it again. He thinks you'll continue to put up with it. He didn't learn anything the first time, so you're right, it's time to cut him loose. Tell him off good and don't let him deflect any blame onto you.

 

Yes, this is most likely what he truly believes. I really only have myself to blame for that one but c'est la vie I suppose.

 

I've found that a man "cheating up" hurts just as much as "cheating down", unfortunately.

 

I think this is true for the most part. The cheating down aspect only really cut me deeper because I've worked so hard to obtain and maintain this body, obsessed over being/looking near perfect/feminine around the clock, etc yet all that was a complete waste of my time apparently. In a sick twisted way I sort of feel like if she were younger, prettier, thinner or what have you, while I'd definitely still be hurt and done with him, I could make some kind of sense of it. Instead he just threw everything away for...that .

 

I'm glad you chose not to have his teeth knocked in. Face to face meetup is best I'd say. I personally suggest you don't really let him have much chance to speak. Don't let him say the things he wants to say. Say what YOU want to say, then leave.

 

Ah, thankfully I've matured enough to see the many downsides of physical violence, no matter how happy that would temporarily make me. Aside from that, yeah, I'm going to unload and be done with it. It'll be a struggle for him to get a single word in edgewise.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Baby this time I cheated on you with man. can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?

 

But, if the guy were Ryan Gosling....

[Diezel]

Ah, thankfully I've matured enough to see the many downsides of physical violence, no matter how happy that would temporarily make me. Aside from that, yeah, I'm going to unload and be done with it. It'll be a struggle for him to get a single word in edgewise.

 

Apparently you haven't matured enough to know that you should avoid this situation altogether.

 

This is not going to be as one-sided as you believe. I have no idea what fantasy world you live in that you think it's going to be him just standing there being yelled at by you.

 

It just sounds like you want to throw a fit and have a temper tantrum in front of this guy.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Apparently you haven't matured enough to know that you should avoid this situation altogether.

 

Well I only ever claimed to be mature enough to recognize that doing things that would get some of my best friends thrown in jail and my ex taken to the hospital would be unwise.

 

This is not going to be as one-sided as you believe. I have no idea what fantasy world you live in that you think it's going to be him just standing there being yelled at by you.

 

Fantasy? It's pretty much exactly what he'll do. He has issues I won't even bother getting into here but I think it's fair to say given that I'm the one who's been in a relationship with him all this time, I probably know him a bit better than you do, yes?

 

That being said, even though I've obviously made up my mind, I do apprecaite all of those who have taken the time to reply. I'm going to leave off here because there's really no need to go on and on endlessly about this. Thanks all.

[Dork Vader]

Nothing good will come of what you are suggesting. It's always better to be the bigger mature person. I know that it is difficult. I know that it is hard. But give it time and it will get easier.

 

 

He knows everything you want to tell him. Just move on with your life. He might string you back in and you'll go into an on and off again relationship. That forces the two of you too hate each other. That's what I let happen and I highly regret it now.

 

 

Be the adult, mature, selfless person. Let him look bad..

[Keke1]

I seriously doubt this is going to go the way you plan. Yeah, you most certainly sound shallow because as you can tell, apparently, looks has nothing to do with it.

[Phoe]

I think this is true for the most part. The cheating down aspect only really cut me deeper because I've worked so hard to obtain and maintain this body, obsessed over being/looking near perfect/feminine around the clock, etc yet all that was a complete waste of my time apparently. In a sick twisted way I sort of feel like if she were younger, prettier, thinner or what have you, while I'd definitely still be hurt and done with him, I could make some kind of sense of it. Instead he just threw everything away for...that .

 

I knew the exact feeling once. Trying so hard to take care of myself and look nice, just for him to cheat with a girl who legit had thick black hairs growing on her chest, just to name ONE thing.

 

A year before that, I got cheated on with a gorgeous girl. When I think back, I was hurt much worse by that. Gorgeous, short, petite blonde blue eyed girl with tanned skin, toned body, a radiant smile, and she was very intelligent to boot.

 

^THAT made me feel like the most unattractive disgusting scum in comparison. In contrast, the "cheat down" filled me moreso with anger, rather than hurt and despair.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Yeah, you most certainly sound shallow because as you can tell, apparently, looks has nothing to do with it.

 

I have no idea what this even means because I already admitted to being shallow?