He cheated - AGAIN! - but wants to "talk about it"

[OwMyEyeball]

Late to the party, but from what I understand this guy cheated on you with a woman who, superficially, is far beneath you. The biggest insult you take from this is not the breach of trust, but the assault on your vanity - i.e. by risking his relationship with you for this less attractive woman, he devalued what you prize, your looks.

 

You broke things off for good. Makes sense, who wouldn't? Especially after giving a second chance.

 

He now wants to meet up with you with no clearly stated agenda.

 

Your intention for this meeting is to turn your rage against him and use every tool at your disposal to utterly humiliate him. More than humiliate, you wish to destroy his spirit. He will not be offered any opportunity to speak. You want to create as much harm as possible to counter-balance the harm you felt his betrayal caused you.

 

Do you believe that by causing him tremendous suffering that you will alleviate your own?

 

Does causing suffering to others, especially those you cared about, bring you calm and joy?

[Keke1]

I have no idea what this even means because I already admitted to being shallow?

 

I was agreeing with you. Beauty is only skin deep Hydra

Edited September 23, 2014 by Keke1

[Andy_K]

I don't see the problem.

 

He wants to talk, she wants to vent, so by all means do it. There isn't likely to be any long term damage either way.. He'll be no more hurt by her words than he would be by her silence, and anything he can say will be no worse than the frustration of being unable to vent and get the closure done.

 

So get it over with, then you can start healing and moving on quicker.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I don't see the problem.

 

He wants to talk, she wants to vent, so by all means do it. There isn't likely to be any long term damage either way.. He'll be no more hurt by her words than he would be by her silence, and anything he can say will be no worse than the frustration of being unable to vent and get the closure done.

 

So get it over with, then you can start healing and moving on quicker.

 

Thank you. Not for agreeing with me but for what you stated above. I couldn't quite put my feelings or justifications into words without feeling like I wasn't adequately expressing my thought process but you've hit the nail on the head.

 

Not being able to vent is and has been the most frustrating part of all.

 

 

Does causing suffering to others, especially those you cared about, bring you calm and joy?

 

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm not really inclined to lie so I'l be completely honest here and say yes, absolutely.

[Diezel]

Fantasy? It's pretty much exactly what he'll do. He has issues I won't even bother getting into here but I think it's fair to say given that I'm the one who's been in a relationship with him all this time, I probably know him a bit better than you do, yes?

 

Never underestimate how far you can push another human being before they push back.

[Elle1975]

You all.. he cheated on her.. not sure about the need to be mean and put her down..

 

How she feels at the moment is her business, but she came to seek advice.

 

Personally I am not sure how I'd react. I'm sure I'd want to tell him how I feel about a second time cheating, not sure if I would or not.

[Zahara]

If you are going to do it, do it soon. You don't want to wait too long when hurt starts to overcome the anger and you're feeling somewhat vulnerable. It would be the best time for him to take advantage of how you feel. And doing it now helps you also shut that door so you can begin moving on.

[Arieswoman]

LHydra,

He's cheated yet again, so what is there to talk about?

 

He already disrespected you, lied to you and shown you that not only does he not love you, but doesn't like you very much either.

 

Ask yourself why you would want to waste one more minute of your precious time on this low-life, cheating, lying, sack of runny poop? He's already lied to you on numerous occasions, so why should you set any store by anything he says, either now or in the future?

 

Trust me, nothing he says is worth Jack to you now, so keep on moving away from him as fast as you can.

 

Good luck.

[OwMyEyeball]

Thank you. Not for agreeing with me but for what you stated above. I couldn't quite put my feelings or justifications into words without feeling like I wasn't adequately expressing my thought process but you've hit the nail on the head.

 

Not being able to vent is and has been the most frustrating part of all.

 

 

 

 

It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm not really inclined to lie so I'l be completely honest here and say yes, absolutely.

 

We tend to cling on to anger because it gives us the illusion of power in situations where we may otherwise feel powerless and would have to accept our vulnerabilities.

 

I think you're in a lot of pain that you don't know how to cope with and are convincing yourself that lashing out at the cause of it - seeking revenge - will somehow relieve you of it.

 

It won't.

 

By all means, vent. On here, to friends and family, through exercise and activity. Pour some of that energy into a hobby, passion or a cause.

 

And if you do intend on meeting with him, vent about how he made you feel. If he has a conscious, that will be enough to cause him to realize his errors and share in your pain. If he doesn't then it's for the best that he cheated and ended the relationship because you've freed yourself of a sociopath (which I doubt he is).

[Lernaean_Hydra]

 

We tend to cling on to anger because it gives us the illusion of power in situations where we may otherwise feel powerless and would have to accept our vulnerabilities.

 

I think you're in a lot of pain that you don't know how to cope with and are convincing yourself that lashing out at the cause of it - seeking revenge - will somehow relieve you of it.

 

It won't.

 

 

Right, and I get what you're saying but I'm really only going based on what's worked for me in the past. Vengeance, lashing out, etc has generally helped me work through issues I think most normal other people have dealt with in other, more positive ways. I'm not living in some fantasy land in which all my problems are solved by throwing a tantrum. They won't be and I know that.

 

However, anger is my go-to emotion; I'm not really able to feel or even process anything until I deal with that. For some people crying is the release they need but for myself, venting my frustrations verbally has been my catharsis.

[Natsu21]

Natsu21, what have you learned from this thread?

 

I've learned that because very attractive women like Lernea have guys telling her all the time how beautiful she is in an attempt to get with her, she can't comprehend, or feels insulted, by the fact that someone who she views that society views as aesthetically inferior to her, got with a guy who I bet more than ANYTHING, is probably a guy who she views society wants(muscled, tall, dark, handsome types) and is utterly disgusted she was cheated on by this.

 

Attractive women in the physical sense usually tend to be the most ego stricken, because the more they're told they're beautiful, the more it hurts when they're told they're not.

 

No matter how hot a woman is, there's a guy out there that's sick of her, and that guy probably is the one she wants the most.

 

Just an observation.

 

Natsu21

[No Limit]

Just make the bad boy cry. And you're not the only one who doesn't lock herself into a bathroom and cry for weeks as a reaction; a friend of mine was cheated on by her BF of 2 years. The day after she found out she went to get her stuff from his place; she told me that at first he seemed to be gone, but just as she had everything in her car and was ready to drive she turned around and he stood there sobbing and crying and begging. She laughed in his face, hauled the apartment keys to his feet and drove off. And she had a very good day in school afterwards.

[OwMyEyeball]

Right, and I get what you're saying but I'm really only going based on what's worked for me in the past. Vengeance, lashing out, etc has generally helped me work through issues I think most normal other people have dealt with in other, more positive ways. I'm not living in some fantasy land in which all my problems are solved by throwing a tantrum. They won't be and I know that.

 

However, anger is my go-to emotion; I'm not really able to feel or even process anything until I deal with that. For some people crying is the release they need but for myself, venting my frustrations verbally has been my catharsis.

In crying we release our pain in a manner that harms none.

 

In vengeance we release our pain in a manner that harms others. If those others have a similar disposition, the pain only spreads, and if not back to the initial source of that pain, then on to others still. "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind"

 

You are at a turning point in your life where you can choose a different path - where you can learn to express and process your pain in a positive, constructive manner. That doesn't necessarily mean crying, though it is an effective way for many of unburdening themselves of emotional overload.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Natsu21, what have you learned from this thread?

 

I've learned that because very attractive women like Lernea have guys telling her all the time how beautiful she is in an attempt to get with her, she can't comprehend, or feels insulted, by the fact that someone who she views that society views as aesthetically inferior to her, got with a guy who I bet more than ANYTHING, is probably a guy who she views society wants(muscled, tall, dark, handsome types) and is utterly disgusted she was cheated on by this.

 

No, I'm insulted because he abused my trust after begging me for a second chance the first time. Why do you keep insisting on coming back to push whatever agenda it is you have here? By the way, he's only a wee bit taller than me - I'm 5'5 and while he has a decent body, he's certainly no muscled god .... but why am I explaining myself to you anyway?

 

If you can't be bothered to read what I've said instead of reading into it you aren't exactly being helpful. I'm not sure what your problem is with me - maybe I remind you of a woman who rejected you in the past? - but you really need to get over it and stop trying to make this about my looks or how attractive I may or may not be.

 

What have I learned from this thread? If a woman isn't crying, putting herself down or demonstrating any emotion aside from sadness and self-loathing after being cheated on, or has the audacity to admit she's more attractive than the OW, some people will find that very upsetting and feel a need to "put her in her place".

 

Just an observation

[gaius]

You seem to get odd, overly hostile reactions in a lot of your threads lernaean.

 

Anyway, if you really want to hurt him either ignoring or banging another dude and telling should do the trick. If you sit down and just lavish him with negative attention he'll probably get off on it a little bit. But if that's whst you need to do to feel better by all means, wallop away.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You seem to get odd, overly hostile reactions in a lot of your threads lernaean.

 

 

You know what's crazy, I used to be a member here a while back (different name) and someone once said nearly the exact same thing to me. For some reason, I have always rubbed some people the wrong way without even trying. AFAIK, I'm a relatively considerate, helpful member, rarely overtly hostile or judgmental. I mean I know I've started a controversial thread or two in the past but good grief, going by what people say to me, you'd think I was an awful, raging bitch 24/7.

 

Anyway, if you really want to hurt him either ignoring or banging another dude and telling should do the trick. If you sit down and just lavish him with negative attention he'll probably get off on it a little bit. But if that's whst you need to do to feel better by all means, wallop away.

 

Ha, I could get really petty and bang his roommate which would drive him crazy but however much his feelings/pride might be hurt temporarily, all that would would soon be overriden by the idea that I'm a slut and he could make himself feel better about what he's done.

 

He's a tiny bit afraid of me and oddly desperate for my approval - though not enough NOT to cheat obviously! It's actually the main reason why when he keeps coming clean. I literally would never have known had he not told on himself because he was so afraid of what would happen if I discovered it on my own. He knows I'm a bit.... well lets not get into that.

 

Strangely, with each passing day I'm more and more interested in meeting up with the OW than cursing him out. Though depending on what I find out from her we might be back to rage-y Lernaen after that.

[2sunny]

I don't think he will listen to the words you want to express to him - or even change for that matter... So I see it as wasting your precious energy.

 

But hey, if you need to - have at it.

[Tayken]

You know what's crazy, I used to be a member here a while back (different name) and someone once said nearly the exact same thing to me. For some reason, I have always rubbed some people the wrong way without even trying. AFAIK, I'm a relatively considerate, helpful member, rarely overtly hostile or judgmental. I mean I know I've started a controversial thread or two in the past but good grief, going by what people say to me, you'd think I was an awful, raging bitch 24/7.

 

 

 

Ha, I could get really petty and bang his roommate which would drive him crazy but however much his feelings/pride might be hurt temporarily, all that would would soon be overriden by the idea that I'm a slut and he could make himself feel better about what he's done.

 

He's a tiny bit afraid of me and oddly desperate for my approval - though not enough NOT to cheat obviously! It's actually the main reason why when he keeps coming clean. I literally would never have known had he not told on himself because he was so afraid of what would happen if I discovered it on my own. He knows I'm a bit.... well lets not get into that.

 

Strangely, with each passing day I'm more and more interested in meeting up with the OW than cursing him out. Though depending on what I find out from her we might be back to rage-y Lernaen after that.

 

 

Does this make you feel better then, and makes things right because he is scared of you? It has been said time and time again, regardless of the gender, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I am getting a sense of Stockholm syndrome i.e. defending the accused, perhaps your self esteem is pretty low?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Does this make you feel better then, and makes things right because he is scared of you? It has been said time and time again, regardless of the gender, once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I am getting a sense of Stockholm syndrome i.e. defending the accused, perhaps your self esteem is pretty low?

 

 

I don't understand how you got my self-esteem is pretty low nor how I'm defending the accused. Actually this whole post is confusing. What is your actual argument?

 

By the way - it's becoming increasingly amusing that a certain person in this thread continues to like every post she perceives as negative against me. It's childish lady.

[heartshaped]

He's a tiny bit afraid of me and oddly desperate for my approval - though not enough NOT to cheat obviously! It's actually the main reason why when he keeps coming clean. I literally would never have known had he not told on himself because he was so afraid of what would happen if I discovered it on my own. He knows I'm a bit.... well lets not get into that.

 

Strangely, with each passing day I'm more and more interested in meeting up with the OW than cursing him out. Though depending on what I find out from her we might be back to rage-y Lernaen after that.

 

What he knows or thinks at least, is you're crazy. Now, you're determined to go and prove him right so then he'll have this story to tell everyone of how he didn't want to cheat on you, but he did because you were just so "crazy" and he didn't know how to leave you properly.

 

And this OW, lol, you think she has anything to gain from being honest with you? Doubtful. He's probably sleeping with her/in contact with her as we speak. If you really are more attractive than her I'm sure this is all an ego boost for her because she was able to sleep with him while he was with you.

 

I think the thing with you dear is you're young and age has yet to bring you wisdom or class.

 

I can understand things said or done in anger, but with age you learn more and more that emotion, even negative emotion, is wasted on certain individuals.

 

And yes, you do still "care". Anger in itself is a feeling. If you didn't care, you would feel nothing at all. Not even anger. You would simply throw this up to "he was a lying, cheating idiot" and move on with life.

 

I'm not telling you not to care. I'm just pointing out that it's obvious that you do.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

What he knows or thinks at least, is you're crazy. Now, you're determined to go and prove him right so then he'll have this story to tell everyone of how he didn't want to cheat on you, but he did because you were just so "crazy" and he didn't know how to leave you properly.

 

And this OW, lol, you think she has anything to gain from being honest with you? Doubtful. He's probably sleeping with her/in contact with her as we speak. If you really are more attractive than her I'm sure this is all an ego boost for her because she was able to sleep with him while he was with you.

 

I think the thing with you dear is you're young and age has yet to bring you wisdom or class.

 

I can understand things said or done in anger, but with age you learn more and more that emotion, even negative emotion, is wasted on certain individuals.

 

And yes, you do still "care". Anger in itself is a feeling. If you didn't care, you would feel nothing at all. Not even anger. You would simply throw this up to "he was a lying, cheating idiot" and move on with life.

 

I'm not telling you not to care. I'm just pointing out that it's obvious that you do.

 

 

Fair enough points all around though I don't feel I still care in a romantic sort of way however you are right about the OW and I and my friends have discussed that possibility at length. That said, I really am done discussing this as I've already made up my mind.

[whichwayisup]

and I've decided I am totally done

 

Then be done with it. Don't waste your effort, your precious time, your words or any thought towards him and DO NOT go see and speak to him.

 

Really, a big 'F-OFF and F U you pathetic loser' should be all that you say to him.

Vent out what you want to say on here or write him letter but never send them.

 

He isn't worth it. He cheated on you once, you forgave him, then he had the balls to cheat on you again. He loses, you win.