I don't regret cheating on my boyfriend

[hermitinator]

I have dated my boyfriend for almost three years. The last year, it was on-and-off. I broke it off and we weren't together for three months.

 

After he got out of jail, we got back together. I realized that he was the only man that I could see myself living with and being with.

 

When we were broken up for three months, I later found out, from him, that he cheated on me when we were still together. For some reason, at the time, this had no effect on me and I laughed at the idea of it. I didn't feel hurt or angry, but wondered why he needed to tell me this except for clearing his conscious.

 

I cheated on my boyfriend with a roommate. It was a one-night-thing. Why did I do it? We both rationalized that we had sexual tension and, in his words, "just get it out of the way". I am not attempting to victimize myself. I was very detached from it all; let me explain: I knew that I was cheating and that it was bad, but I was detached emotionally. It was happening to my body, but I don't regret it because I felt no attachment or there was no intimacy.

 

Let me clarify. I am not saying or rationalizing that by cheating with no emotional attachments or lack of intimacy with the person, that it was okay. It was not. I am a bad person, blah blah blah.

 

In any case, I told my boyfriend that I cheated on him. He did not leave me, but felt betrayed. We decided to work on our relationship, to get past this point.

 

The dilemma is that I have been having this "wrong" feeling that, although I love my boyfriend, I have no interest in having sex with him. Sometimes I feel obligated to have sex with him.

 

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally, but I think that the 3 months apart made me get over him sexually. I am attracted to him, but not sexually.

 

Selfishly, I rationalize that it would almost make sense to break it off because we are not married, have children or live together. It would be easier to move on, but I want to fix the relationship to the potential that it was or could be.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but I can't get past the part about your boyfriend being in jail.

[hermitinator]

I'm sorry but I can't get past the part about your boyfriend being in jail.

 

He was in jail because he was publically drinking as well as drunk driving, but he is currently going to AA and group meetings.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Honestly, if you're already at that point where you're no longer sexually attracted to your partner, where sex feels more like a chore than something you look forward to AND the fact that you both have acted inappropriately by f*cking other people, I think the writing is on the wall at this point.

 

I think you already know what you need to do.

 

Good luck.

[hermitinator]

Honestly, if you're already at that point where you're no longer sexually attracted to your partner, where sex feels more like a chore than something you look forward to AND the fact that you both have acted inappropriately by f*cking other people, I think the writing is on the wall at this point.

 

I think you already know what you need to do.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Obviously that has already been on my mind and is my concern. I was hoping for advice on things that I might be overlooking as a second opinion rather than affirming what I am dreading.

 

And yes, both of us have acted inappropriately, but both of us are willing to work through that, which is something that I already commented on.

[No Limit]

May I ask, did your BF ever apologize to you for cheating on you? I wouldn't feel much love anymore if he shrugs at his own actions but gasps at your own audacity.

 

 

I think you're just feel safe/very comfortable with him since you fit so good together in mind; but I'm afraid that's not enough ground for a relationship. Sorry for not coming up with a masterplan like you've hoped, but whatever you two had is over. He has a lot of baggage he should work on, and you should try to resist any "sexual tensions" if you want to have a monogamous relationship.

[almond]

I have no idea why you would feel that this is the right man for you, and to be honest, it seems as though you both have some issues that may be best addressed via counselling.

 

You say you do not regret cheating, simply because you felt detached while you were doing it. But, you deeply hurt and betrayed the man that you claim to love so much...you feel absolutely no remorse for this? To be honest, your whole post just shows how incredibly self-centred you are. Sure, he cheated first...but the fact that you can do the same, then almost proudly boast that you do not regret it is pretty sad.

 

Your relationship is unstable. You have both cheated. You break up frequently. You do not feel like being intimate with him. You do not care about his feelings.

 

End it. The best thing for both of you is to take time apart and work on your issues separately.

[hermitinator]

I have no idea why you would feel that this is the right man for you, and to be honest, it seems as though you both have some issues that may be best addressed via counselling.

 

You say you do not regret cheating, simply because you felt detached while you were doing it. But, you deeply hurt and betrayed the man that you claim to love so much...you feel absolutely no remorse for this? To be honest, your whole post just shows how incredibly self-centred you are. Sure, he cheated first...but the fact that you can do the same, then almost proudly boast that you do not regret it is pretty sad.

 

Your relationship is unstable. You have both cheated. You break up frequently. You do not feel like being intimate with him. You do not care about his feelings.

 

End it. The best thing for both of you is to take time apart and work on your issues separately.

 

 

I am not going to rationalize my actions. I was not saying that I did not feel guilty for cheating because I had no respect, but because on a psychological level, I was detached from sex. In actuality, I have always been detached from sex and never had any interest in it until my current boyfriend. In that sense, you are right: I do have my own issues to work on.

 

I was hoping that this lack of sexual activity, had to do with lack of experimentation. I don't know. Am I delaying - ?

[oldshirt]

There are very few things that are more of a slow torture for a man than to be stuck with a woman who has no romantic and/or sexual attraction for him. Women can live a long time just being friends and companions and roommates but men can't. it's like death by a thousand cuts. He may whine and moan and beg and try to negotiate at the moment, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

 

 

To stay with him just so you can have some companionship and security even though you have no desire for him is purely selfish and cruel.

 

 

And the thing is you are also shortchanging and cheating yourself. You need lovin's and orgasms and touch and desire and passion and intimacy and hot, sweating nasty sex just as much as anyone else. By settling to stay with someone you have no desire for, you are shortchanging yourself out of that.

 

 

The real catch though is this fling you had with this guy was not a fluke. It wasn't just some random aberrant event. It is part of a well-established and predictable pattern. Your body and your instincts and your heart will always eventually seek out and obtain sexual contact and release.

 

 

....in other words, you are going to be boffing other dudes again in the future as sure as the sun will rise in the morning. It's how we are hardwired.

 

 

And as you experience the fun and excitement and hormone rush of being with other guys, that will subconsciously cause you to lose even more and more respect and desire for your BF and you will come to really resent him and disrespect him and treat him badly.

 

 

The is train wreck streaking down the tracks out of control to an inevitable disaster.

 

 

Minimize the pain and chaos and bad blood that you two are going to have down the road. Tear the Band Aid off quick and save both of you the slow torture that you are intentionally setting yourselves up for.

[BetrayedH]

In my view, the most significant factor in reconciling after cheating is true remorse on the part of the wayward. The wayward has to do an immense amount of work (read the pinned thread for waywards at the top of the forum). When both people have cheated, you both have to do it and you have to do it for someone you don't trust. It's a ridiculously tall order.

 

Then both of you must be truly forgiving.

 

You got this?

Edited September 21, 2014 by BetrayedH

[hermitinator]

In my view, the most significant factor in reconciling after cheating is true remorse on the part of the wayward. The wayward has to do an immense amount of work (read the pinned thread for waywards at the top of the forum). When both people have cheated, you both have to do it and you have to do it for someone you don't trust. It's a ridiculously tall order.

 

Then both of you must be truly forgiving.

 

You got this?

 

That is something that he is struggling with, although he won't admit it. There have been occasions that without thinking, he blows up on and talks down to me. And although, I can understand his anger and vulnerability, I don't think he himself is being honest with himself; I feel he has lost respect for me. I don't think I should be given the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells months after this incident. I am a human and I make mistakes in my life.

 

I understand what you are saying though. Thank you.

[hermitinator]

There are very few things that are more of a slow torture for a man than to be stuck with a woman who has no romantic and/or sexual attraction for him. Women can live a long time just being friends and companions and roommates but men can't. it's like death by a thousand cuts. He may whine and moan and beg and try to negotiate at the moment, but the best thing you can do for him is to let him go.

 

 

To stay with him just so you can have some companionship and security even though you have no desire for him is purely selfish and cruel.

 

 

And the thing is you are also shortchanging and cheating yourself. You need lovin's and orgasms and touch and desire and passion and intimacy and hot, sweating nasty sex just as much as anyone else. By settling to stay with someone you have no desire for, you are shortchanging yourself out of that.

 

 

The real catch though is this fling you had with this guy was not a fluke. It wasn't just some random aberrant event. It is part of a well-established and predictable pattern. Your body and your instincts and your heart will always eventually seek out and obtain sexual contact and release.

 

 

....in other words, you are going to be boffing other dudes again in the future as sure as the sun will rise in the morning. It's how we are hardwired.

 

 

And as you experience the fun and excitement and hormone rush of being with other guys, that will subconsciously cause you to lose even more and more respect and desire for your BF and you will come to really resent him and disrespect him and treat him badly.

 

 

The is train wreck streaking down the tracks out of control to an inevitable disaster.

 

 

Minimize the pain and chaos and bad blood that you two are going to have down the road. Tear the Band Aid off quick and save both of you the slow torture that you are intentionally setting yourselves up for.

 

 

First off, I didn't have adrenaline when I had sex with this "fluke". Adrenaline might be the reason that women and men cheat multiple times, but I was aloof in the whole process. At one point, I felt like a slut and downgraded; in which sense, I was insulting myself.

 

In the back of my mind, I stay with him because he is the only man who is able to get me off. Sexually, there is something wrong with me as in I have always found sex unsatisfying and more of an obligation for a quick fix for the man rather than for myself (it explains which cheating was not adrenaline-rewarding). So really? I laugh at your suggestion that I should do myself a favor and find other men who can give me a million orgasms. Sorry, but those men don't exist, but that is not the point.

 

Thank you for your advice and I am at a better understanding of what I need to do for both of us.

[jackslife]

Even without the cheating and putting it to one side, you said it yourself - you don't find your chap sexually attractive and don't want to have sex with him.

 

You need to end it. Take time to look at the posts on here, time and time again you will find people who are married with children and commitments caught (trapped?) in marriages where their spouse doesn't want them.

 

Don't put yourself or your boyfriend through that. You won't grow to love him more or grow to desire him. Long term relationships and marriages are hard enough over time when started on the most solid of foundations. Trying to build a house when two walls have foundations of sand is a recipe for disaster.

[BetrayedH]

That is something that he is struggling with, although he won't admit it. There have been occasions that without thinking, he blows up on and talks down to me. And although, I can understand his anger and vulnerability, I don't think he himself is being honest with himself; I feel he has lost respect for me. I don't think I should be given the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to feel like I am walking on eggshells months after this incident. I am a human and I make mistakes in my life.

 

I understand what you are saying though. Thank you.

 

Meant gently, you say you don't regret your 'mistake' and that you're human. In your first post, you also rationalized it by saying that there was no attachment or intimacy with the other person. This all speaks to a lack of true remorse on your part. I am curious how you think it will be possible to reconcile with your boyfriend without it (or perhaps more accurately, how he will reconcile with you without it).

 

I would also point out that generally, women are more hurt by the emotional component of affairs while men are more hurt by the phyiscal. Are you able to empathize with your BF? It hardly seems so when you write, "I am a bad person, blah, blah, blah." Did you read the thread I mentioned? You seem far off the mark.

 

I also can't help but point out that conventional wisdom around here says that it takes 2-5 years to reconcile after an affair. It is likely that it will take your BF years to get to a better place and it will be closer to the 5 than the 2 (if it happens at all) with a lack of remorse on your part. Sensing a theme here?

 

For what it's worth, I'm sorry for your sexual frustrations. It sounds like no way to live, for either of you. I really recommend therapy to determine why you have such difficulty finding sex to be rewarding. But more importantly, I recommend therapy to determine why you have such a lack of empathy. It almost sounds like a form of narcissism.

[oldshirt]

First off, I didn't have adrenaline when I had sex with this "fluke". Adrenaline might be the reason that women and men cheat multiple times, but I was aloof in the whole process. At one point, I felt like a slut and downgraded; in which sense, I was insulting myself.

 

Whether you enjoyed it or not is irrelevant, the hormonal component is still there. But that's not really here nor there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the back of my mind, I stay with him because he is the only man who is able to get me off.

 

 

So you stay with him because he's the only one that can get you off but yet you say you aren't attracted to him any more and don't want to have sex with him anymore.

It all seems a little pointless then dont'cha think?

 

 

 

 

Sexually, there is something wrong with me as in I have always found sex unsatisfying and more of an obligation for a quick fix for the man rather than for myself

 

 

That kind of supports what I was saying above in a roundabout way, guys being stuck with a gal that sees sex with them as "quick fix" for the guy but has no desire for him may be ok for one-nighter but terribly unfulfilling and frustrating in a relationship.

 

 

(it explains which cheating was not adrenaline-rewarding).

 

 

Not really. As I stated above, the adrenaline/hormone aspect is not dependent on satisfaction. But enough about that. My point really wasn't about hormones per se but rather that everyone needs some lovins now and then and if you aren't getting it (and don't want it) from your partner, you'll get it elsewhere.

 

 

So really? I laugh at your suggestion that I should do myself a favor and find other men who can give me a million orgasms.

 

 

I didn't say a word about that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, but those men don't exist,

 

 

that won't stop you from looking. ......and frankly you shouldn't stop looking.

 

Thank you for your advice and I am at a better understanding of what I need to do for both of us.

 

 

I guess that's why your relationship is so healthy, functional and satisfying for the both of you then.

 

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[hermitinator]

There is one thing to imply therapy but another to act like a psychologist. I understand that all of you are peeved by my lack of emotions towards cheating, but it doesn't make me less human. Also, this is the internet where things could be misunderstood out of context. While I do appreciate all the "advice", but I won't be using this site anymore. I understand that people were responding in concern for my partner.

Edited September 23, 2014 by hermitinator

[Mr. Lucky]

Meant gently, you say you don't regret your 'mistake' and that you're human. In your first post, you also rationalized it by saying that there was no attachment or intimacy with the other person. This all speaks to a lack of true remorse on your part. I am curious how you think it will be possible to reconcile with your boyfriend without it (or perhaps more accurately, how he will reconcile with you without it).

As witnessed by this:

First off, I didn't have adrenaline when I had sex with this "fluke".

 

Fluke:

1. A stroke of good luck.

2. A chance occurrence; an accident.

 

This wasn't chance, you weren't struck by lightning - you made a choice. And until you accept responsibility for that, reconciliation is far away.

 

And were your BF to post here, most would tell him the same things. Don't think any sides have been taken...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clay]

I won't be using this site anymore

 

I personally take this as good news. I know people come here for help but honestly some people just can't be helped. Its better to focus on the people that truly need the help than to bash your head up against the wall with someone that clearly does not care about anyone but themselves.

 

Good luck in your life hopefully there will come a time when you can reflect and maybe come to a different conclusion or at least have a different perspective.

 

Sadly your just going to have to keep a close eye out for that Karma bus. For some reason that crazy driver always keep a eye on the road.

 

Clay

[stillafool]

I don't regret cheating on my boyfriend

 

 

The above is very clear. Considering how detached you are I doubt very much he regrets cheating on you too. I would tell you both to stop wasting each others times and years and just end it.

[nightmare01]

I think that for you, your truth is that don't regret cheating on your boy friend. It's good that you are clear on that. If that's your truth then embrace it; that's much better than lying to be politically correct.

 

Since you feel this way, do you consider your relationship with him to be "friends with benefits"? That seems the best way to define it from what you say. If the relationship is "friends with benefits" be sure he agrees with you about what it is. That way no one gets hurt.

[hermitinator]

I plan to make the make the decision to leave him. So that he can find someone who appreciates him and who deserves him.

[BetrayedH]

I plan to make the make the decision to leave him. So that he can find someone who appreciates him and who deserves him.

 

You could be that person.

[hermitinator]

You could be that person.

 

I would love to be that person for him, but I don't think I'm emotionally mature to be in a relationship. When we got back together, I could only see myself living with and being with him; we get along really well. I have noticed how we both set each other back: he wishes I would support his music when I don't like it while when I had a job opportunity, he coaxed me out of it because he wanted to have sex that weekend and see me. There was a point that I was considering graduate school out of state; he found this disparaging and so, in my mind, I settled on a plan as to move to or with him.

 

 

I was planning to go into therapy this coming month as to make our relationship better, but the relationship isn't going to blossom rapidly overnight and will take time.

 

The fact that he cheated on me and then I went ahead and cheated on him (back) are actions as which have deteriorated both of our trust in the relationship.

 

I feel like a lot of people are adamant that I break up with my partner because we are not married nor have kids or live together while if I were to be married, have children and have a place together, the advice would be to work it out, to create chemistry and sexual intimacy.

[DKT3]

I would love to be that person for him, but I don't think I'm emotionally mature to be in a relationship. When we got back together, I could only see myself living with and being with him; we get along really well. I have noticed how we both set each other back: he wishes I would support his music when I don't like it while when I had a job opportunity, he coaxed me out of it because he wanted to have sex that weekend and see me. There was a point that I was considering graduate school out of state; he found this disparaging and so, in my mind, I settled on a plan as to move to or with him.

 

 

I was planning to go into therapy this coming month as to make our relationship better, but the relationship isn't going to blossom rapidly overnight and will take time.

 

The fact that he cheated on me and then I went ahead and cheated on him (back) are actions as which have deteriorated both of our trust in the relationship.

 

I feel like a lot of people are adamant that I break up with my partner because we are not married nor have kids or live together while if I were to be married, have children and have a place together, the advice would be to work it out, to create chemistry and sexual intimacy.

 

I think most think you should end it because you really lack the emotional maturity to maintain a serious relationship.

 

Something to think about: You will never maintain any relationship or happiness until you own the fallout from decision YOU make. This entire thread you own nothing and blame him for everything. He didn't make you not take the job or not go to school. His cheating? Didn't make you cheat.

 

What I get from reading this is your a confused young lady who can't accept your shortcomings and/or flaws. This is something that will poison every relationship you have (even none romantic ones) in the future.

[BetrayedH]

I would love to be that person for him, but I don't think I'm emotionally mature to be in a relationship. When we got back together, I could only see myself living with and being with him; we get along really well. I have noticed how we both set each other back: he wishes I would support his music when I don't like it while when I had a job opportunity, he coaxed me out of it because he wanted to have sex that weekend and see me. There was a point that I was considering graduate school out of state; he found this disparaging and so, in my mind, I settled on a plan as to move to or with him.

 

 

I was planning to go into therapy this coming month as to make our relationship better, but the relationship isn't going to blossom rapidly overnight and will take time.

 

The fact that he cheated on me and then I went ahead and cheated on him (back) are actions as which have deteriorated both of our trust in the relationship.

 

I feel like a lot of people are adamant that I break up with my partner because we are not married nor have kids or live together while if I were to be married, have children and have a place together, the advice would be to work it out, to create chemistry and sexual intimacy.

 

Ok, so you're both somewhat broken people. To be honest, I'm not sure that's unforgivable.

 

Perhaps you both work on your issues and find a middle ground.

 

I think it gets down to whether or not you're both willing to put in the effort that it takes.

 

For what it's worth, I certainly think you're human for making mistakes. I made a ton. Personally, I think it gets down to taking ownership of those mistakes and legitmately being willing to work on them. If you do, you're a person worth investing in.

 

I recently read a quote saying that the difference between bad actions and a bad person is consistency. Are you willing to do your part (which may take years) and is he willing to do his part? Or do you just want the problem to go away? In my experience, conflict-avoidance is a very short-term solution.