I don't regret cheating on my boyfriend

[hermitinator]

Ok, so you're both somewhat broken people. To be honest, I'm not sure that's unforgivable.

 

Perhaps you both work on your issues and find a middle ground.

 

I think it gets down to whether or not you're both willing to put in the effort that it takes.

 

For what it's worth, I certainly think you're human for making mistakes. I made a ton. Personally, I think it gets down to taking ownership of those mistakes and legitmately being willing to work on them. If you do, you're a person worth investing in.

 

I recently read a quote saying that the difference between bad actions and a bad person is consistency. Are you willing to do your part (which may take years) and is he willing to do his part? Or do you just want the problem to go away? In my experience, conflict-avoidance is a very short-term solution.

 

 

That's what I was considering.

 

 

I don't understand why I can't face and express my flaws and short-comings through therapy while I'm still in a relationship. I understand that I made the mistake by cheating on my boyfriend. I was intoxicated and not clearly thinking, but I made the choice. And now, I want to make the proactive decision to create change in my life. I have shown that I want change by moving out of my current place (I will be moving out by October 1st). We are both young and are growing together, but individually. Although both of us are emotionally immature; we understand that the beauty of a relationship is that two people can change and grow within a relationship, with each other as support. I am supporting him going to AA and group meetings while also going sober myself. While he supports me facing my epilepsy and doing therapy for myself (I have told him in the past that I realized that I projected a lot of my problems on him; for me, therapy would be give me the tools I need in my present life as to break away from childhood / past patterns).

[Michelle ma Belle]

I would love to be that person for him, but I don't think I'm emotionally mature to be in a relationship. When we got back together, I could only see myself living with and being with him; we get along really well. I have noticed how we both set each other back: he wishes I would support his music when I don't like it while when I had a job opportunity, he coaxed me out of it because he wanted to have sex that weekend and see me. There was a point that I was considering graduate school out of state; he found this disparaging and so, in my mind, I settled on a plan as to move to or with him.

 

 

I was planning to go into therapy this coming month as to make our relationship better, but the relationship isn't going to blossom rapidly overnight and will take time.

 

The fact that he cheated on me and then I went ahead and cheated on him (back) are actions as which have deteriorated both of our trust in the relationship.

 

I feel like a lot of people are adamant that I break up with my partner because we are not married nor have kids or live together while if I were to be married, have children and have a place together, the advice would be to work it out, to create chemistry and sexual intimacy.

 

Not necessarily. In fact, you'd probably see a lot MORE "bashing" going on if you (and him) had behaved this way whilst married and especially with children.

[Dork Vader]

He was in jail because he was publically drinking as well as drunk driving, but he is currently going to AA and group meetings.

 

Umm I've never see anyone go to jail for 3 months for a DUI and public intox. At worst 30 days but the first and only offense will land hardly any jail time. So you're either leaving information out or he has a record. I've had friends only get 30 days for their second DUI.

[Dork Vader]

Where to begin? I realize that we all have different opinions on sex and what it is but here is my personal opinion on your story.

 

 

For starters I highly doubt you're telling the complete truth about your Boy Friend and his stint in jail. You don't go to jail for 30 days for a DUI and public intox, unless you have a fairly extensive record. I've had friends get multiple DUI's and avoid jail time. ONE did 30 days in Jail for their third DUI. That aside let's get to the cheating which is what's important.

 

 

I personally feel you need too end your relationship with your current boy friend for numerous reasons. I think you have a TON too learn about relationships, what sex is and what intimacy is.

 

 

Now don't feel too bad it's estimated 55-65% of those in exclusive relationships cheat at some point. So it's fairly common.. But that doesn't justify it.

 

 

Sex is supposed to be the most intimate thing you can do with another person. Sex is about as deep, close and connected as you can get to another human. Yet you're sitting here screwing your room mate because of sexual tension? Please.

 

 

If sex has no meaning too you aside from pleasure, then what DOES have meaning too you? If sex is so frivolous that you'll jump in bed with someone, then what holds significance?

 

 

You completely tossed your commitment to your current boy friend under the bus by cheating on him. You gave the ultimate display of affection, love and commitment too another man. You claim all too alleviate nothing more then sexual tension.

 

 

You gave absolutely NO regard to your boy friends emotions or feelings. Granted he's not the best boy friend, but you still gave it no thought.

 

 

Despite all of this you claim to LOVE and care for this man. That he is the one for you. Hun if he was the one for you, you would not have even considered cheating. You would have put all your energy and effort into getting the sexual chemistry going again. If you truly loved and cared for him the way you claim, you would have never brought another man into your life, even if it was just to get rid of sexual tension.

 

 

Can the spark for sex fizzle out in a relationship? You bet and it's fairly common. But when you love someone the last thing you do is go jump into bed with another. If you truly love that person you put all of yourself into fixing the problem.

 

 

When you love someone you give them absolutely everything you have until you have nothing left to give. The only time you walk away, is when you realize the love is not mutual and the relationship is not healthy. But you don't go jump in bed with another person. You end the relationship and move on with life.

 

 

You have a lot too learn.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Dork Vader

[OwMyEyeball]

My take:

 

Fight through it. You've been through jail time and infidelity (on both sides) with this guy and he's still there on you side. Fight through it.

 

All the people here saying that you should drop him and find someone else; ignore them. They live in a fantasy world where death, suicide, joblessness, miscarriage, prison, violence, persecution and all manner of other human tortures have yet to hit their relationship or the one they've envisioned.

 

You build intimacy through the tough times, not through the good times. Struggle defines relationships, not peace. It's when we're at our worst that we find ourselves and understand our true value; who we are.

 

You've both been there for each other through some of the worst of it. Learn to accept that, learn from it and build from there, lest you find yourself discarding relationships every time they don't meet an impossible ideal.

 

Fight through it together and find love, or give up and find a temporary peace with the next guy.

[hermitinator]

Umm I've never see anyone go to jail for 3 months for a DUI and public intox. At worst 30 days but the first and only offense will land hardly any jail time. So you're either leaving information out or he has a record. I've had friends only get 30 days for their second DUI.

 

He has a record. One of the main reasons that he can't find a job is because of his record which has been a frustrating point in the relationship in the past.

[hermitinator]

Update

 

For myself, I broke up with him, but that wasn't even the difficult part. The difficult part was that he was not willing to accept all the things I was saying, when I was being open and, for the first time, brutally honest. It came to the point that I didn't understand why he was willing to "fix" a relationship with someone who was half-in and half-out. I asked him this which he did not answer, but kept trying to coerce me to get back together again. I understood that he was frustrated, angry and in pain so I listened to him and let him talk.

 

 

Selfishly, I did this for me, but I also did it for him so he can find someone who isn't half-in and half-out of a relationship. Even if he doesn't understand it and vocalized that I am making the worst mistake by letting him go; someday, he will realize and thank me. (Or not).

 

Like all of you said, he needs a chance on true and genuine love. That is what I hope to give him by letting him go.

Edited September 26, 2014 by hermitinator

[Dork Vader]

I've been in his shoes before and it's simple. You care about the person, you want to be with them but you are not ready too let go of them.

 

 

No one likes getting dumped. But you're doing the right thing. You need to stick with it and move on with your life.

 

 

This guy has a lot he needs to figure out and deal with. He needs to get a career going. He needs to sober up. He needs to prove he can be a provider.

 

 

For the record I do not think you are a bad person. I've been half way and half way out of relationships before. It basically stems from the fact that the person you are dating is ALMOST perfect. You like the vast majority of what you see but that small little bit that you do not like, has a huge impact on everything else.

[OwMyEyeball]

I've been in his shoes before and it's simple. You care about the person, you want to be with them but you are not ready too let go of them.

 

 

No one likes getting dumped. But you're doing the right thing. You need to stick with it and move on with your life.

 

 

This guy has a lot he needs to figure out and deal with. He needs to get a career going. He needs to sober up. He needs to prove he can be a provider.

 

 

For the record I do not think you are a bad person. I've been half way and half way out of relationships before. It basically stems from the fact that the person you are dating is ALMOST perfect. You like the vast majority of what you see but that small little bit that you do not like, has a huge impact on everything else.

Almost perfect. You'd drop someone because they were ALMOST perfect, but not absolutely?

 

My God are you in for a rough life if your conception of "good" is perfection.

 

Good luck finding the perfect partner, perfect job, perfect home and having the perfect kids in your perfect life.

 

I think the OP was so drowned out by the guilt she was trying so hard to rationalize away that she martyred herself out of false assumptions for a man who loved her for all her flaws and mistakes, just as she loved him.

 

You don't get 100% unconditional love from a partner. It's a ****ing fairy tale. The closest ideal is a mother's love for her child, which is bonded by some very powerful neuro chemistry.

 

Keep throwing away the "almost perfects" guys. It's a long road to ruin.

[Dork Vader]

Would I drop someone because they aren't perfect no.

 

But I will drop someone when they give me HSV-2 (and ya I have evidence of it now).

 

But I will drop someone when I catch them sexting their beat friends husband.

But I will drop someone when they sext an old fling while with me and my family. Making the old fling a video in my brothers bathroom.

But I will drop someone when they claim I'm the only man in their life and have 4 other men. One of which they gave HSV-2 too.

 

I don't care how perfect you might be if you can't be honest and loyal you're not worth it. I gave my ex plenty of chances. So don't come on here and judge me from your high horse oneeyed. Was she perfect for me in a lot of ways yes. But that lack of honesty and loyalty was a BIG issue.

 

I highly suggest this woman move on. They've both cheated on each other. He has a criminal record. He has a DUI and a public intox. That is not someone you or anyone can build s future with. If and when this guy gets his act together perhaps she can give him a second chance. But I assure you right now neither he nor she will make a succesful committed loyal couple.

 

People can come very close to the mark. But if they don't hit the target for you entirely it's a waste of time for both.

 

And no it's not a fairly tale. I've seen it first hand. Will you disagree? Yeah, but 100% love and commitment does exist.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Dork Vader

[Diezel]

I have dated my boyfriend for almost three years. The last year, it was on-and-off. I broke it off and we weren't together for three months.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

After he got out of jail, we got back together.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

When we were broken up for three months, I later found out, from him, that he cheated on me when we were still together.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

For some reason, at the time, this had no effect on me and I laughed at the idea of it. I didn't feel hurt or angry, but wondered why he needed to tell me this except for clearing his conscious.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

I cheated on my boyfriend with a roommate.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

 

I was very detached from it all; let me explain: I knew that I was cheating and that it was bad, but I was detached emotionally. It was happening to my body, but I don't regret it because I felt no attachment or there was no intimacy.

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally.

 

 

 

I didn't even have the heart to keep going.

I don't know in WHAT world you two are right for each other emotionally and mentally, because this is an absolute and complete mess of a situation and you two are far better off not being in each other's lives.

 

You probably shouldn't even be in A relationship, let alone THIS relationship.

 

To all the people who think you could have "fixed" this... I say they are WRONG. Once that seal of trust has been broken and both of you cheated AND felt half-hearted about the relationship... it was NEVER going back to what it once was. This was a failure in progress over a year ago.

[Dork Vader]

I have seen people turn their lives around and produce significant income.

 

One friend repairs and installs packing equipement. He averages $140k a year plus benefits.

 

Another is a welder and makes $110-$140k a year. People can turn their lives around and provide.

 

But right now her ex is not. In my opinion a persons past doesn't matter, what matters is who and what they are now.

[hermitinator]

There is the potential that he will make significant money and be a successful professional. If so, good for him! Applause. He has put this over my head, that I am making the worst mistake by breaking it off, but I don't want to be someone out of fear that I am making a mistake by letting someone go (because they are great) or that I won't find someone who have the connection that I have had with him. And I told him that.

 

 

It is almost unnerving though that someone is willing to be with someone who is half-in half-out of a relationship. I let him go and still he clung.

 

 

I'm tired of second guessing myself.

[Cristo]

I have dated my boyfriend for almost three years. The last year, it was on-and-off. I broke it off and we weren't together for three months.

 

After he got out of jail, we got back together. I realized that he was the only man that I could see myself living with and being with.

 

When we were broken up for three months, I later found out, from him, that he cheated on me when we were still together. For some reason, at the time, this had no effect on me and I laughed at the idea of it. I didn't feel hurt or angry, but wondered why he needed to tell me this except for clearing his conscious.

 

I cheated on my boyfriend with a roommate. It was a one-night-thing. Why did I do it? We both rationalized that we had sexual tension and, in his words, "just get it out of the way". I am not attempting to victimize myself. I was very detached from it all; let me explain: I knew that I was cheating and that it was bad, but I was detached emotionally. It was happening to my body, but I don't regret it because I felt no attachment or there was no intimacy.

 

Let me clarify. I am not saying or rationalizing that by cheating with no emotional attachments or lack of intimacy with the person, that it was okay. It was not. I am a bad person, blah blah blah.

 

In any case, I told my boyfriend that I cheated on him. He did not leave me, but felt betrayed. We decided to work on our relationship, to get past this point.

 

The dilemma is that I have been having this "wrong" feeling that, although I love my boyfriend, I have no interest in having sex with him. Sometimes I feel obligated to have sex with him.

 

I feel that he is the right person for me emotionally and mentally, but I think that the 3 months apart made me get over him sexually. I am attracted to him, but not sexually.

 

Selfishly, I rationalize that it would almost make sense to break it off because we are not married, have children or live together. It would be easier to move on, but I want to fix the relationship to the potential that it was or could be.

 

 

I don't know what to do.

 

My suggestion is to stop dating guys that are prone to ending up in jail.

[hermitinator]

My suggestion is to stop dating guys that are prone to ending up in jail.

 

When I first met him, the first warning was when he told me that he has been in jail numerous times for petty behavior. I saw the warning signs, but dismissed them. At the time, we continued seeing each other because neither thought it was going to be long-term.

 

 

Two and half years later...

[Cristo]

When I first met him, the first warning was when he told me that he has been in jail numerous times for petty behavior. I saw the warning signs, but dismissed them. At the time, we continued seeing each other because neither thought it was going to be long-term.

 

 

Two and half years later...

 

Now you know not to dismiss warning signs. Good for you. You learned something from this experience.

[Dork Vader]

There is the potential that he will make significant money and be a successful professional. If so, good for him! Applause. He has put this over my head, that I am making the worst mistake by breaking it off, but I don't want to be someone out of fear that I am making a mistake by letting someone go (because they are great) or that I won't find someone who have the connection that I have had with him. And I told him that.

 

 

It is almost unnerving though that someone is willing to be with someone who is half-in half-out of a relationship. I let him go and still he clung.

 

 

I'm tired of second guessing myself.

 

 

 

Potential means absolutely nothing. I have a friend that could easily become a multi-millionaire over night. All he needs too do is take a small amount of risk and apply himself too it. But he doesn't he is content drinking, smoking pot and in general letting pissing his life away.

 

 

Until he turns his life around and proves he can maintain stability you want nothing too do with him.

 

 

You can't be half in and half out of a relationship. You're doing the right thing. Should you decide you can't live with out him in the future then talk too him. Tell him he needs to clean up his act, he needs to get a career going and prove the two of you can have a life together. until that happens you can't be together.

[Cynical Tiger]

Having a loved one serving jail time is tough, but to think, you were there for him when he got out. That's pretty solid.

 

Wish my ex would have done that.

 

More or less, I would feel guilty as hell if I ever cheated on someone I told,I loved. Because I know how it feels to have been cheated on.

But in your case, you really can't make a big deal, he cheated, you cheated.

In my book, it's girlfriend 1, boyfriend 1.

[Spectre]

Having a loved one serving jail time is tough, but to think, you were there for him when he got out. That's pretty solid.

 

Wish my ex would have done that.

 

More or less, I would feel guilty as hell if I ever cheated on someone I told,I loved. Because I know how it feels to have been cheated on.

But in your case, you really can't make a big deal, he cheated, you cheated.

In my book, it's girlfriend 1, boyfriend 1.

 

This logic makes no sense. Cheating is not a big deal if the other person does it too?

[Cynical Tiger]

This logic makes no sense. Cheating is not a big deal if the other person does it too?

It's matters of opinions.

And I don't see the big deal, plus it's hardly called cheating.

Just getting even and making it up.

 

Why have one feel like ****, and the other continue to feel guilty?

Simple as that. I'd take the pity, the guilt away and rekindle what I had.

Not everyone lives in a romance-novel based life.

Forgiveness is hard, so some people rather get even and move on.

 

Seems logical to me.

[Dork Vader]

Having a loved one serving jail time is tough, but to think, you were there for him when he got out. That's pretty solid.

 

Wish my ex would have done that.

 

More or less, I would feel guilty as hell if I ever cheated on someone I told,I loved. Because I know how it feels to have been cheated on.

But in your case, you really can't make a big deal, he cheated, you cheated.

In my book, it's girlfriend 1, boyfriend 1.

 

 

 

That's not how relationships work. At lest successful ones. You can't have a vindictive mind set in a relationship. You can not be eye for an eye. It will create an endless cycle of hurt and pain. You hurt me, so now I get too hurt you.

 

 

When someone cheats or does wrong. A mature committed person has 2 options forgive them and give the cheater a second chance. or end the relationship.

[hermitinator]

You can't be half in and half out of a relationship. You're doing the right thing. Should you decide you can't live with out him in the future then talk too him. Tell him he needs to clean up his act, he needs to get a career going and prove the two of you can have a life together. until that happens you can't be together.

 

I know this, but I am completely devastated. He is my life partner. Why am I such a mess?

 

I know that I made the right decision because I wouldn't want to be with someone who keeps changing their mind. I told him that I am planning to go into therapy as to figure all of this out. Relationships aren't just black-and-white; I have as many problems as him, but while his are outward, mine are inward.

 

Part of the reason we would go back to each other without truly working on ourselves is because we were worried that we would let go of each other with time and both of us see each other living together and for the most part, we get along very well.

 

I still want him in my life as my best friend, but I want to work on my personal issues in relationships so that I can either go back to him with a better understanding of my unhealthy patterns in relationships or that we can both move on and I don't repeat the same unhealthy patterns in love with someone else.

 

 

He is currently going to school (film program) and has a two-year AA and group meeting (the alternative to not being in jail for a year). While we have talked about living together, both of us are not financially independent. Although, we could have worked on trusting again, but that would have taken couples therapy as to heal from cheating, of which he does not have the money for.

[smackie9]

You are a mess because you have no self worth or self esteem. Once you remove yourself from this for awhile, you will see that your head isn't on straight and you make poor choices. Then you can heal.

[hermitinator]

You are a mess because you have no self worth or self esteem. Once you remove yourself from this for awhile, you will see that your head isn't on straight and you make poor choices. Then you can heal.

 

lol I already know that.

[me85]

With all due respect to you…I confess I haven't read your story, but because I feel so strongly against cheating, I don't feel the need to read your story. The title alone makes me cringe.

 

It's never ok or right to cheat. You may not feel bad now but one day you will. Even if they cheated first…two wrongs don't make a right and it's only stooping to their level. Never do the whole "tit for tat" thing. It will always come back to haunt you. 3 fold.

 

All the best! I'm not being ugly towards you, so please don't think I am. Just giving my honest opinion here.