death in MM's family

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Hi Scarlet,

 

I think he will never tell you it's off because it's so incredibly easy for him to keep it "on". He ignores your texts, he doesn't call, and he hardly ever sees you, but you still wait for him. Why would he ever call off an affair that requires so little work? He must think he's hit the jackpot. I've had single dates that put in more effort than this man apparently has in your entire relationship.

 

It is up to you to end it because he never will. What he's doing right now isn't meeting your needs and that's reason enough to move on. There's no need to tell him, or anyone, really. Just block him out of your life and move forward.

 

From the very beginning he told you he would not marry you and has no plans to leave his wife for you. This is not a romantic relationship for him. Life is short; don't waste a second more hoping he's going to change his mind and move heaven and earth for you. This jerk won't even move his fingers to send a text.

 

Brush yourself off and start seriously dating again. When you meet a man who's truly into you I think you'll be floored to realize just how little you were willing to accept. You deserve so much better.

Edited October 25, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[georgia girl]

Scarlet,

 

 

My opinion - particularly after your last descriptive post about the Facebook - is that it's over but he wants it to fade away and not actually say the words. This way, he doesn't have to have an awkward, uncomfortable conversation with you, doesn't have to deal with your emotions that it's over and he plays the relatively safe odds that if there isn't a blow-up, his wife will never know.

 

 

To me, the two posts - where she says to bloom where you're planted and he says how much he loves his wife - are a bit indicative (although I take FB with FB with a grain of salt). My take is that she may already know a very minimal amount about you because he confessed to a very small portion. I also think he did that because his dad's death probably was a wakeup call. He realized his life was going awry, saw that the wife he was taking for granted was actually a warm-hearted woman who was there for him during a very difficult time and realized that the value of family is incredible and not worth risking.

 

 

You are a part of his past, whether you accept it gracefully or not. It's time to accept and move on. Go no contact. If I'm wrong, he'll eventually reach out to you (you work together, right?). If I'm not wrong, you'll start healing sooner which will get you back to happy more quickly and you'll retain more of your dignity.

 

 

Good luck. This has to hurt and I'm sorry. GG.

[Scarlet2]

I know you are all right, it's just very hard and frustrating not being able to have one last conversation to clear up any misunderstandings or what went wrong or what changed or end it agreeably. I feel when I asked if he was ignoring me, it showed my insecurity but I feel I had a right to know if it was true instead of just taking his actions without question.

 

The facebook thing definitely screws a lot up especially when I know he's looking at mine too and his son shows him what I'm doing with other people. That's when he tends to get cold, when I'm out living life without him. I don't know why he gets that way when I make it way too obvious that I would rather spend my time with him.

 

I'm afraid that if I stop contacting him abruptly, he's not going to know the real reason and he'll be feeling like I am and all I want is for him to be happy. I feel he's going to assume I'm being childish, that I'm giving the silent treatment because of him not answering my last text. But anything I do is just going to push him further away. I can't win.

 

This hurts so much but I do have to step back. He doesn't want me.

[peaksandvalleys]

I know you are all right, it's just very hard and frustrating not being able to have one last conversation to clear up any misunderstandings or what went wrong or what changed or end it agreeably. I feel when I asked if he was ignoring me, it showed my insecurity but I feel I had a right to know if it was true instead of just taking his actions without question.

 

The facebook thing definitely screws a lot up especially when I know he's looking at mine too and his son shows him what I'm doing with other people. That's when he tends to get cold, when I'm out living life without him. I don't know why he gets that way when I make it way too obvious that I would rather spend my time with him.

 

I'm afraid that if I stop contacting him abruptly, he's not going to know the real reason and he'll be feeling like I am and all I want is for him to be happy. I feel he's going to assume I'm being childish, that I'm giving the silent treatment because of him not answering my last text. But anything I do is just going to push him further away. I can't win.

 

This hurts so much but I do have to step back. He doesn't want me.

 

This whole situation is already beyond childish. Time for someone to be the adult.

[eye of the storm]

scarlet, when you are in a relationship and working on maintaining a relationship, you need to concern yourself with how the other person will think of/react to your actions. When leaving a relationship, you don't.

 

You worrying about what he will think, and needing to have that last conversation, is a way to rationalize staying attached to him. Let go so you can heal and move on.

 

Everyone would love to have a step by step breakdown on what happened/changed to end their relationship, but you have to accept its not going to happen.

 

And if you are smart, block him, his wife, and his son on fb, email, and phones.

 

I will tell you this, and it comes from experience. He gets "cold" when he learns you are out doing things without him as a form of punishment. You don't like him getting that way so you do less things. He wants you sitting still waiting till he wants you. He does not want you happy and healthy. He wants you afraid to do anything that might upset him and then be grateful for any scrap he throws your way. He wants you broken.

 

Block him, heal, move on. Take back you. Become you again. Use what you have learned to never do this again.

 

Good luck

[Nattie]

I think he is trying to take the easy way out of it, by just ignoring everything, but I don't think he wants to 100% close the door incase he wants you for something down the road. I'm like you Scarlet, I need closure as well, but you aren't an option to be kept on the shelf until he decides one day he feels like having sex with you. I don't care what the situation is, or how twisted these A relationships are, you should be treated better. I'm married, very heavily involved with a MM, and he treats me like a queen. If he didn't, I'd be gone. I think every woman should exert that "YOU are lucky to have ME" confidence. I don't pass judgment on anyone, I'm certainly not in the position to, but if people are going to partake in relationships (right or wrong) treat each other with kindness and respect. If he doesn't want to treat you as a man should, then let someone else.

[peaksandvalleys]

I think he is trying to take the easy way out of it, by just ignoring everything, but I don't think he wants to 100% close the door incase he wants you for something down the road. I'm like you Scarlet, I need closure as well, but you aren't an option to be kept on the shelf until he decides one day he feels like having sex with you. I don't care what the situation is, or how twisted these A relationships are, you should be treated better. I'm married, very heavily involved with a MM, and he treats me like a queen. If he didn't, I'd be gone. I think every woman should exert that "YOU are lucky to have ME" confidence. I don't pass judgment on anyone, I'm certainly not in the position to, but if people are going to partake in relationships (right or wrong) treat each other with kindness and respect. If he doesn't want to treat you as a man should, then let someone else.

 

Except if the married person's BS isn't aware of the relationship, it is okay to disrespect them. I don't understand.

[whatatangledweb]

When there is a death people reach out to those that they feel the safest and most comfortable with. Your MM is not reaching for you. He seems to be doing what some MM and OW have done which is slowly pulling away. They don't want the conflict, drama, etc so they get in touch less and less, hoping the other person gets tired of it and disappears. You showing up where he is and contacting him comes across as needy and desperate, and kind of stalkerish.

 

You have hope so you keep hanging on. You want him to say it's over and he is not going to do that. I feel bad for you, you are very unhappy but you keep hanging on to something that is gone. He tells you what you want to hear maybe because he doesn't want the drama, or he doesn't want you contacting his wife. If he wanted to continue the affair he would be reaching out by now.

 

I'm sorry but you have to stop contacting him and following him. If you want hope then wait for him to contact you. If you hear nothing from him in a few weeks then it is over.

[beach]

He may be the conflict avoidant type of personality. That would explain why he will never give you that explanation you so want.

 

But it sure makes sense if it's viewed from that perspective.

[NJ123]

I know you are all right, it's just very hard and frustrating not being able to have one last conversation to clear up any misunderstandings or what went wrong or what changed or end it agreeably. I feel when I asked if he was ignoring me, it showed my insecurity but I feel I had a right to know if it was true instead of just taking his actions without question.

 

The facebook thing definitely screws a lot up especially when I know he's looking at mine too and his son shows him what I'm doing with other people. That's when he tends to get cold, when I'm out living life without him. I don't know why he gets that way when I make it way too obvious that I would rather spend my time with him.

 

I'm afraid that if I stop contacting him abruptly, he's not going to know the real reason and he'll be feeling like I am and all I want is for him to be happy. I feel he's going to assume I'm being childish, that I'm giving the silent treatment because of him not answering my last text. But anything I do is just going to push him further away. I can't win.

 

This hurts so much but I do have to step back. He doesn't want me.

 

I'm confused on this. I didn't read through the entire thread, but how does his son know about you, but his wife doesn't? That just seems really odd.

[jellybean89]

Scarlet,

 

My thoughts -- you want one last conversation with him so you can plead for him to continue the affair. You want an opportunity to plead your case -- you'll be less clingy, you'll give him space, you'll do xyz as long as he continues the affair. You want a last opportunity to tell him you still want him and love him...and that is exactly what you shouldn't do.

 

He won't end the affair - because he is worried you will blow up his world. He is showing you through actions that he has no respect for you and doesn't love you. He isn't going to tell you the truth -- that he isn't into the affair anymore and he is working on his marriage..he believes you will go off about that, yell and scream, threaten to tell his wife, etc. He is just continuing to do what he has done before - ignore you until he decides he wants to speak to you/have sex/get an ego feed.

 

Stop allowing him to disrespect you. Stop thinking of continuing the affair. Stop compromising your morals and dignity for someone who has no respect for you. let him go. And no, you do not need to contact him to tell him you are going NC. That's the beauty of NC - you don't have to tell the person. You just go on with your life - you move forward and work on yourself and learn from the past. You need to figure out what it was that allowed you to enter into an affair with a MM. You need to figure out why you allowed his continual crappy treatment of you.

 

I never understand why people say "I know xyz is looking at my FB". To the best of my knowledge, there is no tracker on FB showing who looks at your profile. I think this is just what obsessed people think. Block him and his wife - that way, you control your temptation to obsess over their profiles. Block his phone number from contacting you - text and phone calls. realize he isn't putting in even a tenth of the time thinking about you the way you are thinking about him. He isn't worth it - he never has been and never will be. You admit he treats you like crap; you have posted about how he treats you like crap. STOP LETTING HIM TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP --- block him from contacting you. I know you really want to continue and you really want one more chance to convince him to continue...but that isn't good for YOU and your mental health. The holidays are coming....you know he will be grieving the loss of his father and more than likely he will be in a very depressed state of mind ... and his lack of contact will increase because it is the holidays and he will be focused on family and missing his dad. Don't drag this out to the new year - end it now and start healing. You can do this and you need to do this so you can begin to get your self esteem and self respect back.

 

Good luck

[FusionCutter]

Normally in times of grieving, people turn to the ones they love for comfort. The fact that he doesn't want to talk to you, is a great sign that he doesn't actually love you. You have to look at people's actions to see their intent. Words mean nothing. This should be a big wake up call for you to just leave him alone and walk away from everything.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not ignoring the it's over comments. I just feel that it's really only up to me or him to determine if it's over, not a third party perspective. Everytime I ask him if it's over he tells me no, even after the biggest fight we had. We don't know what he's thinking or what his motives are. All I know is I have to start standing up to him again and stop taking this abuse.

 

If I wanted to break up the family so bad, I would have told his wife the same day he propositioned me.

 

You do know that men are rarely honest when confronted with questions like this, right?

 

What concerns me by your other posts is that you continually try to mommy this guy. He's a grown man and I'm guessing that he completely understands that the reason you couldn't be there for him after his dad's death was because you weren't around to do that. His choice, right? His choice to stay in his marriage. Believe it or not, he's not so dumb that he wasn't able to work that out for himself.

 

When my xMM's dad died, he was really torn up about it. I mean, he cried almost every day for a long time. I only know this because he told me later. We were no longer in our affair then but he reached out to me, and later sent me a book about grief, along with a note. I forget why he did this but my point is that his dad's death caused him to try to rekindle things between us. He told me what a void it was to have lost my friendship, etc. I think some time later, we did start up our affair again but it didn't last. I realize that everyone deals with grief differently but, if anything, it is usually somewhat of a wake-up call.

 

Instead of all this focus on what MM is going through or why he's doing this or saying that, I think you should spend at least some of your time thinking about what you want and what your expectations are. I know you said that if things start up again, you're going to put your foot down but I'm talking about just being in an affair in general. Do you really want this? Do you know how much of your life you're wasting? If you're ok with that, then that's fine. I just hope you're giving some thought to your life and your choices because I can guarantee you that your MM is not concerning himself with these things.

 

My other concern is your MM's comment about 'you seem to think you're the only one I do that with', when referring to not responding to your texts. That's almost like him saying that you're no more special to him than any other person in his life. However, I wouldn't necessarily say that's exactly what he's saying, but what I do think is happening is that he has a lot of guilt about the affair and you continue to contact him, causing him to pull away more. Your contact of him is basically saying that you don't trust his judgement and that you're not confident in the fact that he'll stay in touch with you. It also says that you don't have enough self-esteem to walk away from someone who isn't treating you well.

 

Men do not listen to words. They listen to behavior. You can talk until you're blue in the face but nothing will get through to him as much as your actions. What do you want your actions to convey to him? That you're going to hang around even when he's dismissive of you, or that you'll disappear faster than a jack rabbit if he disrespects you?

[Scarlet2]

I'm confused on this. I didn't read through the entire thread, but how does his son know about you, but his wife doesn't? That just seems really odd.

 

Technically the whole thing is odd. I would think if you're going to cheat, you would pick someone who would be less likely to tell your wife if the OW did decide to blow up. The more anonymous you are, the lesser the risk, right? By picking me, it was the highest risk he could ever get since I know his family and they know of me. So either he really trusts me or he's wanting me to blow up on purpose, that's all I can figure... So many OW say they are treated like a queen by their MM, do the MM do that to keep the OW quiet and in their good graces? Since mine isn't behaving that way, maybe he does want me to spill the beans for him? I'm not going to do it though. I think it's better that his wife never finds out.

 

And for the record, I don't think his son knows I'm the OW, he just knows I'm in his dad's life.

[Lurkeraspect]

I believe you're overthinking this.

 

The MM keeps you at arms length and gives you crumbs because he knows that's enough to keep you available and quiet. If a man (married or not) wants to be with a woman, he finds a way, nothing will keep him from her. He's truly showing you what your value is to him. He's afraid of you telling his wife, which BTW, if you did would find you swiftly and succinctly thrown under the proverbial bus.

 

I think you know this though.

[Nattie]

... So many OW say they are treated like a queen by their MM, do the MM do that to keep the OW quiet and in their good graces? Since mine isn't behaving that way, maybe he does want me to spill the beans for him?

 

In my case, it's not to keep me quiet, it's because we share a mutual love for each other, and we both want to be together. He knows that I would never, EVER tell his wife, I'd just leave. For me, it's simple. Treat me the way I want to be treated, or I'm gone. Same goes for him. I'd never expect him to stay with me if I acted like I didn't care, and threw him an occasional crumb.

[still_an_Angel]

So many OW say they are treated like a queen by their MM, do the MM do that to keep the OW quiet and in their good graces? Since mine isn't behaving that way, maybe he does want me to spill the beans for him? I'm not going to do it though. I think it's better that his wife never finds out.

 

 

 

You worry so much about him Scarlet when he is very consistent in blowing cold, more so than hot. I think its time that you prioritize yourself and look after your own interests only. He's certainly not looking after your needs and the relationship is more in question and pain than a source of satisfaction for you. You are a single girl who's got a lot going for you, don't waste your years with this MM who is not ready to keep a relationship going with you.

 

 

Should he manage to D in the future and come running after you, then maybe its meant to be.

[NJ123]

Technically the whole thing is odd. I would think if you're going to cheat, you would pick someone who would be less likely to tell your wife if the OW did decide to blow up. The more anonymous you are, the lesser the risk, right? By picking me, it was the highest risk he could ever get since I know his family and they know of me. So either he really trusts me or he's wanting me to blow up on purpose, that's all I can figure... So many OW say they are treated like a queen by their MM, do the MM do that to keep the OW quiet and in their good graces? Since mine isn't behaving that way, maybe he does want me to spill the beans for him? I'm not going to do it though. I think it's better that his wife never finds out.

 

And for the record, I don't think his son knows I'm the OW, he just knows I'm in his dad's life.

 

I see. I understand why you wouldn't want to tell the wife since it would destroy her, but you should just finally move on completely from him. Absolutely do not get involved with any one else who's married or in a relationship again after this though. I'm sure there's tons of good single guys out there you could meet & hit it off with.

[the_artist_1970]

Technically the whole thing is odd. I would think if you're going to cheat, you would pick someone who would be less likely to tell your wife if the OW did decide to blow up. The more anonymous you are, the lesser the risk, right? By picking me, it was the highest risk he could ever get since I know his family and they know of me. So either he really trusts me or he's wanting me to blow up on purpose, that's all I can figure... So many OW say they are treated like a queen by their MM, do the MM do that to keep the OW quiet and in their good graces? Since mine isn't behaving that way, maybe he does want me to spill the beans for him? I'm not going to do it though. I think it's better that his wife never finds out.

 

And for the record, I don't think his son knows I'm the OW, he just knows I'm in his dad's life.

 

He picked you?? Just curious as to how this makes you feel that he picked you because he knew that you will help him be deceptive to a whole lot of people you each knew. Not very flattering.

[Scarlet2]

I actually went a whole week without texting or calling him. I don't like it. I keep crying :-/

[whichwayisup]

I actually went a whole week without texting or calling him. I don't like it. I keep crying :-/

 

It's okay to feel pain and cry. Don't be afraid of it. Your life has to go on, you can miss him but don't let this consume you. Try to take time from this, call friends and go out, have some fun.

[Lady2163]

My married friend lost both of his parents during the time we were together, I never knew his parents. I was the first person he called. Both because we were close friends and because he wanted to keep me from calling/texting during inconvenient times.

 

That said, he called every day during the funeral process, including days we rarely talked.

 

I was confident that he was getting the support he needed from his family, so I mainly just listened to him and asked non invasive questions. I only had a few hours of feeling useless and powerless to comfort because I really believed he was being cared for,

 

We were long distance, the first couple of times we saw each other after the deaths, we were not sexual at all. There were comforting gestures, squeezing shoulder or hand.

 

Again, we were friends first.

[Sassy Girl]

The stalking that you're doing to him - and to his wife - seems just creepy.

 

His actions... Tell you everything.

 

He doesn't need you now and he doesn't want you.

 

Respect that and respect him.

 

But respect yourself too.

Agree with this...

 

You are being obsessive.... and desperate. Its sad.

 

 

STOP trying to decipher his Facebook posts and his words and his LIES (that's right, the man lies). Just stop. Its over. Move on. He's a coward and doesn't want to tell you. He's hoping you fade away...

 

His ACTIONS show you everything.

Wake up, stop being so needy and move on.

[beach]

I agree. Go only by his actions.

 

His actions prove he isn't willing to make time for you = not his priority.

 

 

Many, many, many, many things come before you. That's clear from him.

 

Work only from that evidence. Take care of you - and look to other things to keep you busy and happy. So busy that you don't have any time to think about it at all.

[beach]

I actually went a whole week without texting or calling him. I don't like it. I keep crying :-/

 

Ok then - cry all you want... It never hurt anyone and is therapeutic.

 

Cry but don't contact him.