death in MM's family

[Timshel]

Ok Scarlet, I said the same as more recent posters a while back but they are saying it with more tact than I did.

I have a bad habit of being brash and a little harsh sometimes; working on it.

 

I asked before and I want to ask again, do you have anyone in your life to lean on? Do you have a person you trust to talk to and who loves you unconditionally?

 

The answer to these questions from you will help me understand where you are.

[Scarlet2]

Here's me reading into things again and here's what I'm going to do about it.

 

He posted a link of Anna being persistent with Elsa to get her to open the door, to spend time with her, and he wrote "to my girlfriend". Obviously my first interpretation says it's for me because that's what I keep doing him, persistent, not giving up etc. But my second interpretation, based on the lyrics, maybe he's thinking about when his wife was his girlfriend or maybe she just likes that movie. Do husbands refer to their wife as girlfriend though? Someone made a tongue and cheek comment "does your wife know about your girlfriend?" How little they know what they just revealed...

 

I keep telling myself over and over he doesn't want me. I retreat and go on about my business and that causes him to come forward which confuses me because if he doesn't want me, he should be retreating too. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to call him later and I'm going to get it all out and hear what he has to say. If he doesn't answer when I call, then I'm going to continue my retreat and try harder to not put any value to what he does, treat him like an acquaintance or a stranger. If he still comes forward when I get a new job, when there is no longer a reason to interact with me, then what do I do?

 

(I'll respond to previous posts soon, time crunch right now)

[bathtub-row]

You're missing the whole point. It doesn't matter if he still wants you or not, even though he probably does. What he doesn't want is to end his marriage to be with you. That's really all you need to know.

 

I think it's a mistake to call him because you're expecting honesty and, when confronted, men are almost never honest. Aside from that, you'll be exposing yourself emotionally. As of now, he's guessing about your feelings, and that's what he needs to do. That post was very ballsy and probably was meant for you. But if he's so interested in you, why hasn't he contacted you? Why hasn't he left his marriage? You don't seem to get it that there are people out there who love to toy with others and it means nothing more than that. If you call him, you'll be taking the bait. I personally would not go there.

 

A person's actions tell you everything. His actions are saying that he's willing to play games with you and waste your life, but he is not devoted to you. It's your choice as to what to do with that information.

[spookysonata]

Posting stuff from Frozen? Is he in middle school? Grownups talk to each other.

 

What would he have to do to make you understand that he is not interested in you as other than a side-piece? What would have to happen for you to dump this toxic, immature, trainwreck of a person that adds no value whatsoever to your life? YOU CAN END THIS. You don't need permission, clarification or his side of the story. YOU. CAN. END. THIS.

[snl]

If you can text him without any expectations you could. ..but if you do it only to check how fast he replies or what he would say or you would be heartbroken if he doesn't reply at all then don't. I would say move on. Go full NC.

[Scarlet2]

You're missing the whole point. It doesn't matter if he still wants you or not, even though he probably does. What he doesn't want is to end his marriage to be with you. That's really all you need to know.

 

I think it's a mistake to call him because you're expecting honesty and, when confronted, men are almost never honest. Aside from that, you'll be exposing yourself emotionally. As of now, he's guessing about your feelings, and that's what he needs to do. That post was very ballsy and probably was meant for you. But if he's so interested in you, why hasn't he contacted you? Why hasn't he left his marriage? You don't seem to get it that there are people out there who love to toy with others and it means nothing more than that. If you call him, you'll be taking the bait. I personally would not go there.

 

A person's actions tell you everything. His actions are saying that he's willing to play games with you and waste your life, but he is not devoted to you. It's your choice as to what to do with that information.

 

I did call him but he didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail, he didn't call me back. I figured the "powers that be" must not want me to do it and so I was like-okay, you really have to start treating him like a stranger from now on. But then a couple hours later, out of the blue, guess who's at my door and with a gift, total surprise.

 

He didn't want to talk. He just wanted the quiet of my house, sitting on the couch with me in his arms and my head laying on his torso. When he did talk, he complained a little about how negative his wife is being to him but mostly towards his youngest son (not the one who had a crush on me, the last one that still lives with them, he's 17). You can't buy this, you can't like this, don't say that, don't do that, don't be who you want to be, be how I think you should be... And that's what builds resentment in any kind of relationship... They can't be themselves. When that son leaves, I have a feeling MM is going to get the full brunt of her negativity then...

 

But then a few minutes later says he's looking forward to going on vacation in a couple of months. It's another one of those free trips his wife gets from her job. And it's not that he's looking forward to spending time with her, he just likes those trips. He has complained many times that she doesn't want to do anything when they go on those trips, Debbie Downer, but obviously he can't go without her because it's her trip and he's her husband. In a way, he's in an abusive relationship too because he can't be himself, he has to hide and deceive and placate her to avoid her put downs, but the trips must make it easier to tolerate.

 

I bolded what I need to keep telling myself and maybe that will finally get me to let him go because that's what I haven't been doing. Even right now there is a full on guarantee that he's still not leaving his marriage for the next several months since he's going on that trip with her.

 

What makes it even more difficult to let go is he remembers things that I told him years and years ago, before we were AP's, stuff you wouldn't need to retain unless you genuinely cared, and things about my family whom he never got to meet because they are all deceased but remembers what I said. And as I've mentioned in my previous posts, he's still doing activities that he knows I like so that he can think about me and watching my favorite shows and movies. And he's not just saying it to say it, he'll tell me scenes to back it up. It's so frustrating because why does he do all that to think about me when he can do all that WITH me instead...

 

I do love him but he's choosing his wife by staying married...

[trolloperative]

 

In a way, he's in an abusive relationship too because he can't be himself, he has to hide and deceive and placate her to avoid her put downs, but the trips must make it easier to tolerate.

 

Even right now there is a full on guarantee that he's still not leaving his marriage for the next several months since he's going on that trip with her.

 

It's so frustrating because why does he do all that to think about me when he can do all that WITH me instead...

 

I do love him but he's choosing his wife by staying married...

He's in an abusive relationship yet going on vacation with his wife, the abuser? He's in an abusive relationship yet CHOOSING to stay married to his wife, the abuser? He wants to do these activities with you but can't because he's too busy living life with his wife, the abuser?

 

My heart felt sympathies go out to him. Poor MM.

[beach]

Oh Scarlet... Why must you torture yourself by allowing him in when he came by?

 

Why do you think this means anything at all? It doesn't. It ONLY means he will use you as his emotional tampon and discard you when he done complaining - returning to his wife immediately after leaving you.

 

He does it because you keep allowing it. Can you practice saying NO!???

 

 

Did he show up with a gift and have sex with you this time or was this just him grooming you to see if he's allowed to drop by unannounced?

 

Let's say he "dropped by" unannounced and YOU had another man over... That would send him a clear message. "Please don't ever come here" would send a clear message.

 

I hope YOU will begin to change things. Change is ONLY up to you. When you start doing things differently then life will look like you're in charge instead of him being in charge of your whole life.

[beach]

And what type of gift did he think to bring you? I'm curious what a guy bring after he's ignored a gal for 5 to 6 months.

 

I'm hoping it was rubies or emeralds...?

[Pinklotus]

Oh God. Stop this now, he's still using you. What is it going to take for you to get it? He's enjoying going on vacations with his wife but he's abused? What? He is a grown man. He could leave if he wanted to. He's a first-class cake eater. Lose him, what a complete douchebag. How this guy could hold any appeal for you at this point I don't understand. Theres nothing manly about him at all!

 

 

 

I did call him but he didn't answer. I didn't leave a voicemail, he didn't call me back. I figured the "powers that be" must not want me to do it and so I was like-okay, you really have to start treating him like a stranger from now on. But then a couple hours later, out of the blue, guess who's at my door and with a gift, total surprise.

 

He didn't want to talk. He just wanted the quiet of my house, sitting on the couch with me in his arms and my head laying on his torso. When he did talk, he complained a little about how negative his wife is being to him but mostly towards his youngest son (not the one who had a crush on me, the last one that still lives with them, he's 17). You can't buy this, you can't like this, don't say that, don't do that, don't be who you want to be, be how I think you should be... And that's what builds resentment in any kind of relationship... They can't be themselves. When that son leaves, I have a feeling MM is going to get the full brunt of her negativity then...

 

But then a few minutes later says he's looking forward to going on vacation in a couple of months. It's another one of those free trips his wife gets from her job. And it's not that he's looking forward to spending time with her, he just likes those trips. He has complained many times that she doesn't want to do anything when they go on those trips, Debbie Downer, but obviously he can't go without her because it's her trip and he's her husband. In a way, he's in an abusive relationship too because he can't be himself, he has to hide and deceive and placate her to avoid her put downs, but the trips must make it easier to tolerate.

 

I bolded what I need to keep telling myself and maybe that will finally get me to let him go because that's what I haven't been doing. Even right now there is a full on guarantee that he's still not leaving his marriage for the next several months since he's going on that trip with her.

 

What makes it even more difficult to let go is he remembers things that I told him years and years ago, before we were AP's, stuff you wouldn't need to retain unless you genuinely cared, and things about my family whom he never got to meet because they are all deceased but remembers what I said. And as I've mentioned in my previous posts, he's still doing activities that he knows I like so that he can think about me and watching my favorite shows and movies. And he's not just saying it to say it, he'll tell me scenes to back it up. It's so frustrating because why does he do all that to think about me when he can do all that WITH me instead...

 

I do love him but he's choosing his wife by staying married...

[whichwayisup]

He is playing you like a fiddle.

 

I wish you strength to get to the point where you end it with him once and for all.

[pheonixrisen]

But then a couple hours later, out of the blue, guess who's at my door and with a gift, total surprise.

 

He didn't want to talk. He just wanted the quiet of my house, sitting on the couch with me in his arms and my head laying on his torso. When he did talk, he complained a little about how negative his wife is being to him but mostly towards his youngest son (not the one who had a crush on me, the last one that still lives with them, he's 17). You can't buy this, you can't like this, don't say that, don't do that, don't be who you want to be, be how I think you should be... And that's what builds resentment in any kind of relationship... They can't be themselves. When that son leaves, I have a feeling MM is going to get the full brunt of her negativity then...

 

But then a few minutes later says he's looking forward to going on vacation in a couple of months. It's another one of those free trips his wife gets from her job. And it's not that he's looking forward to spending time with her, he just likes those trips. He has complained many times that she doesn't want to do anything when they go on those trips, Debbie Downer, but obviously he can't go without her because it's her trip and he's her husband. In a way, he's in an abusive relationship too because he can't be himself, he has to hide and deceive and placate her to avoid her put downs, but the trips must make it easier to tolerate.

 

I bolded what I need to keep telling myself and maybe that will finally get me to let him go because that's what I haven't been doing. Even right now there is a full on guarantee that he's still not leaving his marriage for the next several months since he's going on that trip with her.

 

What makes it even more difficult to let go is he remembers things that I told him years and years ago, before we were AP's, stuff you wouldn't need to retain unless you genuinely cared, and things about my family whom he never got to meet because they are all deceased but remembers what I said. And as I've mentioned in my previous posts, he's still doing activities that he knows I like so that he can think about me and watching my favorite shows and movies. And he's not just saying it to say it, he'll tell me scenes to back it up. It's so frustrating because why does he do all that to think about me when he can do all that WITH me instead...

 

I do love him but he's choosing his wife by staying married...

 

Scarlet do you think that little of yourself ?

 

A gift does not wipe out his ill treatment of you for months ..or does it?

 

By letting him in ...You have just confirmed to him that... he can treat you like cap but if he shows up after that with a gift you will be like a little puppy with its tongue out wagging it's tale...

 

rinse .repeat

 

Anyway you made your stand clear you ate not going anywhere ...what are you trying to achieve by these post?

[anika99]

That poor abused man. Forced to put up with his hideous wife on his free vacations. It must be awful for him. I bet if you told his wife about his affair you could help free him. Then his wife would have no choice but to find another man to abuse with all her free vacations and money. Now if only we could find a way to save the MM's son from his caring and concerned mother.

 

 

So how does it make you feel when the MM tells you he's going on a fun vacation with his wife while you nothing from him but a little gift after ignoring you for moths? How can whatever little trinket he gave you even begin to erase all the months he has treated you like less than even a friendly acquaintance? Sounds like he had a little fight with his wife and in retaliation he came to you to complain and after months of being ignored by him you let him right in and listened to his whine. How can these little tiny crumbs, they are less than crumbs actually, more like crumbs that have fallen from other crumbs, be enough for you?

[Hope Shimmers]

*sigh*

 

Scarlet, this thread has 21 pages of people giving you advice. What are you looking for us to tell you? Why are you continuing to post, if none of the advice offered seems to be what you are needing to hear?

[Tullyseptember]

Scarlet,

 

I hope you keep reading the replies you receive and I really hope one day the fog will lift and you will understand that what you are doing is unhealthy and keeping you stuck. Until then I believe you will keep looking for meaning into anything OM does and says:( It is of course your life and you will live it as you wish, keep reading and posting though. The outlet I'm sure is helpful in someways and if you can release some of that angst onto a message board maybe one day you will read something that will get under your skin and you will release yourself from this self inflicted drama:)

[jellybean89]

Scarlet, men like to have their ego stroked. You stroke his ego.

 

He ignored your call. He has to see in you that you are getting to the point of breaking down and tearing apart his lil world. He brings his wife around you because he can. Most men in "abisuve" marriages don't bring their wives to work NOR go on free vacations with their wife.

 

You are believing every single word that comes out of his mouth. You have NO idea what happens behind closed doors. You have no idea what his marriage is like.

 

Why you keep doing this to yourself is beyond me. But, this is the life you are choosing. So time to stop complaining, stop whining about him ignoring you and just embrace being the woman who allows a man to dictate her life. He isn't ever going to divorce her. Never. He will continue to play these game with you and you will continue to lap up whatever crumb he throws at you.

 

Got luck.

[beach]

Why does HE get all the power over you? Why don't you think you deserve more than the crumbs he offers?

[snl]

Hi Scaerlet2. Just wanted to follow up on you. Are you feeling ok? My advise would have been to stay 100% NC as hard, harsh and rude as it might sound. But I also gave in after one month of NC to sending a happy bday message. It threw me back with emotions for a few days. So overall I would advise to stay away and wish him all best in your heart but then fully move on. No light touch, no FB, no nothing.....

 

Accept that this chapter of your life as closed and be open *once you feel ready* for new opportunities for the right love (the one that is an undivided not shared one). This is your journey but you deserve so much better than the situation you are in with a person that you have to wonder what to do or not .... he should be history - until he decides to break up, divorces and also processes the break up. Which might never happen...until then just maintain NC and move on.

 

I wish you all best.

[beach]

Can you expose the A to your work... So that they may be able to keep him from interacting with you?

 

Have you looked for a new job?

[anika99]

Can you expose the A to your work... So that they may be able to keep him from interacting with you?

 

Have you looked for a new job?

 

She doesn't want him to stop interacting with her. That's the problem. Just a couple of pages back she declared that she was never going to leave him and she is going to love him and only him forever and ever.

[Scarlet2]

I am fine. I'm still maintaining the not texting and calling him. I actually haven't been thinking about him as much as I was, it helps that I haven't seen or heard from him, he's been out due to lawyer things with his dad's estate. He might be back at work today so I guess I'll see if I still feel fine at the end of the day. I think I will be.

 

If I have any anxiety right now it's because the managers at work are doing things that are aggravating me and it's making me not want to be there anymore but I get afraid that I can't go anywhere else. I am only one income, nothing to fall back on if a new job doesn't work out. What if I fail at the new job or it ends up being too difficult than I expected and they dismiss me? How do you start a new job when you don't know what you're getting into? Is it possible to try it out before you quit the current job?

[trolloperative]

Maybe you can take "vacation time" from your old job while you try out the new one?

[anika99]

I am fine. I'm still maintaining the not texting and calling him. I actually haven't been thinking about him as much as I was, it helps that I haven't seen or heard from him, he's been out due to lawyer things with his dad's estate. He might be back at work today so I guess I'll see if I still feel fine at the end of the day. I think I will be.

 

If I have any anxiety right now it's because the managers at work are doing things that are aggravating me and it's making me not want to be there anymore but I get afraid that I can't go anywhere else. I am only one income, nothing to fall back on if a new job doesn't work out. What if I fail at the new job or it ends up being too difficult than I expected and they dismiss me? How do you start a new job when you don't know what you're getting into? Is it possible to try it out before you quit the current job?

 

 

You know the bolded says a lot about you and why you cling so tightly to the MM. By the way you speak about finding a new job one can see that fear of change keeps you frozen in pretty much every area of your life. It is scary to leave a job and start a new one, but millions of people do it everyday. It's the way we climb the ladder. If everyone was paralyzed like you are we'd all be stuck at the first job we ever got 20 or more yrs ago.

 

 

The things you fear about taking a new job are the very things that have happened to me. I left a pretty decent job that I had been at for 5 yrs for a job with a new company and that job went bust about a month after I started. I was also single with only my income and when I ended up without any job I was shi**ing bricks. Finding a job became my top priority and I was scared. Tried another job that wasn't a good fit, and then the third company that hired me was my lucky charm. I've been with my current company for 8 yrs and I have a job that I love more than any job I have ever had before and I wouldn't have ever found it if I hadn't been brave enough to let my old job go and just take a leap of faith.

 

 

You are not happy with your job, you are not happy being MM's lapdog but you are too scared to try anything different. Nothing is ever going to change or get better in your life until you find some confidence in yourself and do something different. Self esteem and confidence doesn't fall upon us while we sit doing nothing. The way to get those things is to be brave enough to change even when you are scared.

[beach]

I am fine. I'm still maintaining the not texting and calling him. I actually haven't been thinking about him as much as I was, it helps that I haven't seen or heard from him, he's been out due to lawyer things with his dad's estate. He might be back at work today so I guess I'll see if I still feel fine at the end of the day. I think I will be.

 

If I have any anxiety right now it's because the managers at work are doing things that are aggravating me and it's making me not want to be there anymore but I get afraid that I can't go anywhere else. I am only one income, nothing to fall back on if a new job doesn't work out. What if I fail at the new job or it ends up being too difficult than I expected and they dismiss me? How do you start a new job when you don't know what you're getting into? Is it possible to try it out before you quit the current job?

 

Why don't you look for a new job? You might like it better! It would obviously be better FOR you on a daily basis.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. This IS something YOU have control over and can change.

 

Start looking and going to interviews.

 

Be the change you wish to see...

[Scarlet2]

I'm regressing again :-( I was doing so well and we were treating each other like regular coworkers again and I wasn't thinking about him like I used to do all the time but then last week he decided to deliberately avoid me again and it threw me back into anxiety mode.

 

What happened is he has the same pattern every day; he'll walk inside the same way and he leaves the same way, he's only there for minutes before he leaves the premises, the only difference is the time of day, that's unpredictable. This was how I was able to always "run into" him when I was doing that months ago. But this particular day I was in someone's office that is next to the path he goes by every day. I didn't know he had walked by until someone pointed it out and I decided not to be in there by the time he walked by again when he was leaving, lest he start thinking I was in there to "run into" him like in the past.

 

Now I'm in a different area from where he first saw me and he comes out that way, not the usual path he takes. He assumed I didn't see him when he first walked by, he didn't know I had already left where he saw me, he took the different way out to avoid me but when he still ran into me anyway, he came over to talk to me like I didn't know what he had done. Just the day or two before we had talked to each other like friends so it left me confused as to why he would deliberately avoid me all over again.

 

I was back and forth over analyzing saying he tried to avoid me but that he did come over to talk so maybe he wasn't but I'm pretty sure he did, he doesn't break his pattern unless it IS to avoid me. But then the next day, I didn't know he was in the vicinity, I was in the second area as before, he saw me from behind and walked out that other way around and came over to talk to me, I guess to prove as if he were to say "see, I wasn't avoiding you, I came out this way again".

 

It really confused me and after he drove off, I just couldn't take it anymore and I called him and flat out asked him what was going on. He says everything is fine.

 

I just don't understand why he's doing this if he doesn't want me. Plus his doctor put him on a diet and his wife is going to start finding him attractive again once he loses the weight so why put me back on the hook? What it did was it got me thinking about him again and what's even worse is now he's going away for 2 weeks on vacation and I can't control my anxiety and it sucks because I was doing fine until he played with my mind... But now it's a forced 2 week no contact so maybe that will help get back on the right track again...