death in MM's family

[whichwayisup]

You really need to stop..Just stop. Thinking, analyzing it all, what he does, why he does it etc..etc.. There is NO affair and things are over and have been for a long time. You and he are NOT friends.

 

You're just too aware of his comings and goings, paying attention so hard that if by chance it was just an accidental meeting, you read into it and go on downward spiral.

 

I wish you'd start looking for another job. Quit and find something else. IF you can't do this, then I fear for you you'll be stuck in this vortex for years to come because you let him have power over you and your emotions, he's still very much on your mind. His life has gone and he's moved on. You seem to not want to let go.

 

Seek counseling, CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and deal with your anxiety issues and everything else so you can cope with this in a healthier way.

[anika99]

You need to get a hobby.

[Bittersweetie]

...I was doing fine until he played with my mind...

 

HE is not playing with your mind.

 

YOU are playing with your mind.

 

You need to get a new job, or a hobby, or some help. Or all three.

 

He is not your problem. Stop trying to make him one.

[georgia girl]

HE is not playing with your mind.

 

YOU are playing with your mind.

 

You need to get a new job, or a hobby, or some help. Or all three.

 

He is not your problem. Stop trying to make him one.

 

This!!! You can always read into whatever you'd like. In the meantime, there hasn't been a relationship there in nearly a year. It's time to let it go, Scarlett.

[sunburned]

This!!! You can always read into whatever you'd like. In the meantime, there hasn't been a relationship there in nearly a year. It's time to let it go, Scarlett.

 

When will you kill your over-active imagination? It's ironic because so many posters are in denial about their affairs continuing. You are actually in denial about your affair ending. It's like you hit your head, passed out, woke up and think it's April 2014.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm regressing again :-( I was doing so well and we were treating each other like regular coworkers again and I wasn't thinking about him like I used to do all the time but then last week he decided to deliberately avoid me again and it threw me back into anxiety mode.

 

What happened is he has the same pattern every day; he'll walk inside the same way and he leaves the same way, he's only there for minutes before he leaves the premises, the only difference is the time of day, that's unpredictable. This was how I was able to always "run into" him when I was doing that months ago. But this particular day I was in someone's office that is next to the path he goes by every day. I didn't know he had walked by until someone pointed it out and I decided not to be in there by the time he walked by again when he was leaving, lest he start thinking I was in there to "run into" him like in the past.

 

Now I'm in a different area from where he first saw me and he comes out that way, not the usual path he takes. He assumed I didn't see him when he first walked by, he didn't know I had already left where he saw me, he took the different way out to avoid me but when he still ran into me anyway, he came over to talk to me like I didn't know what he had done. Just the day or two before we had talked to each other like friends so it left me confused as to why he would deliberately avoid me all over again.

 

I was back and forth over analyzing saying he tried to avoid me but that he did come over to talk so maybe he wasn't but I'm pretty sure he did, he doesn't break his pattern unless it IS to avoid me. But then the next day, I didn't know he was in the vicinity, I was in the second area as before, he saw me from behind and walked out that other way around and came over to talk to me, I guess to prove as if he were to say "see, I wasn't avoiding you, I came out this way again".

 

It really confused me and after he drove off, I just couldn't take it anymore and I called him and flat out asked him what was going on. He says everything is fine.

 

I just don't understand why he's doing this if he doesn't want me. Plus his doctor put him on a diet and his wife is going to start finding him attractive again once he loses the weight so why put me back on the hook? What it did was it got me thinking about him again and what's even worse is now he's going away for 2 weeks on vacation and I can't control my anxiety and it sucks because I was doing fine until he played with my mind... But now it's a forced 2 week no contact so maybe that will help get back on the right track again...

 

If you found a way to develop self love, you will see that it really isn't about MM at all. It's about how you feel you don't deserve a loving, fulfilling relationship. Find a way to love yourself and you will find a way to NOT let men treat you badly.

[Scarlet2]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

[Hope Shimmers]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

You don't have to believe strangers on the internet over him. But people here are pointing out inconsistencies in your story that you just aren't seeing.

 

What you DO need is to look at his actions and how he has treated you. That is objective, having nothing to do with anyone here. Compare his actions to his words ("it's not over"). Do you really think he has acted like "it's not over"? If so, can you list in what ways his ACTIONS have told you "it's not over"?

[Jessie1231]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

Don't you think maybe the reason he hasn't said the words "it's over" is to keep things from being awkward at work and so that you don't freak out and tell his wife? He hasn't shown you anything to indicate that it isn't over except not saying those exact words.

[whichwayisup]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

He is manipulating you. He is telling you what you want to hear. And, throughout all this, you're settling for shi.t on stick that he is selling you!! It makes myself and everybody mad and sad that you are accepting so little from him. You deserve so much love and happiness but you'll never get it from him. He is playing you like a fiddle and I know you can't/won't believe/see that because you're in the midst of it all and can't be objective. He gives you tiny bits of hope, pays attention to you ever so slightly and you jump through the hoop, then he backs off and ignores you.

 

Compare the past (good times of your affair) vs how things are now. Are you happy? My guess is no.

 

You date other men, just do it and don't tell him. He is living his life and not running it by you, he's not asking your permission to have sex with his wife, not asking if it's okay with you if he goes on family outings with his wife and family.

 

Your affair IS over.

 

I wish you'd get mad enough and say fuc.k it and fu.ck you to HIM - Then quit your job and shut him out of your life once and for all. Otherwise you're gonna be posting about this a year from now in the exact same spot that you're in now.

[anika99]

You don't have to believe strangers on the internet over him. But people here are pointing out inconsistencies in your story that you just aren't seeing.

 

What you DO need is to look at his actions and how he has treated you. That is objective, having nothing to do with anyone here. Compare his actions to his words ("it's not over"). Do you really think he has acted like "it's not over"? If so, can you list in what ways his ACTIONS have told you "it's not over"?

 

 

Yes. Exactly what I was going to say.

 

 

Scarlet you are blowing my mind here. How is this not over? Whoever heard of being completely ignored by one's bf for 8 freaking months?!

If my bf ignored me the way your MM has ignored you for even 1 week we would be done. I sure as hell wouldn't wait around for months just in the hopes of getting a few crumbs of attention here and there.

 

 

Please describe to us how the MM is demonstrating that this affair isn't over?

[whichwayisup]

Yes. Exactly what I was going to say.

 

 

Scarlet you are blowing my mind here. How is this not over? Whoever heard of being completely ignored by one's bf for 8 freaking months?!

If my bf ignored me the way your MM has ignored you for even 1 week we would be done. I sure as hell wouldn't wait around for months just in the hopes of getting a few crumbs of attention here and there.

 

 

Please describe to us how the MM is demonstrating that this affair isn't over?

 

If he wasn't married, and he was single, would you put up with being ignored and treated like crap?

 

Love and respect yourself. Hanging onto him like you are is so unhealthy and damaging to you.

[beach]

It's been over a long time. You just haven't admitted that to yourself.

 

He's working on repairing the damage he's caused to his marriage! But he still HAS to work with you so he does the best he can with the circumstances so it doesn't get ugly and embarrassing FOR HIM.

 

It is over!

 

Go date men - lots of men - lots of available men! Then you may see the difference between being a priority and being an afterthought.

 

To think this is adequate from any man (single or not) is insane! Even if a single guy were treating you this way I would say don't waste your time.

 

 

You should expect more FOR yourself! It makes me upset with you that you keep going back for so little.

 

This guy is a first class jerk. Quit that job and find any job just to get away and never look back. If you don't like the next job you can find another one.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

Absolutely believe him, he'd never lie just to get what he wants. He'd never play games just for the sport. Go ahead and tell him about the men you will date. More of the same game playing, I guess. Either way, that's not a mature loving relationship.

[Timshel]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

My question Scarlet is why is it not over for you? Why does what he says matter? You are unhappy and do not have what you want; love, honesty and relationship.

 

I think that LS is trying to point that out to you but you keep deferring back to him. What do you want? Is this over for you?

[georgia girl]

Not sure why I continue to post my thoughts... also he ends up contradicting everything everyone here says. According to him it's not over, he still insists it's not, believe him or believe strangers who don't even really know what's going on... I've been thinking about bringing up the subject to him of me dating other men since he gives me a lot of free time with it being "over" and all. What will happen

 

Scarlet,

 

 

This is actually a very good idea. Ask him how he feels about you dating others. He will have one of three responses: 1) he will be very encouraging, 2) he will be noncommittal - not saying yes or now or 3) he will not want you to date. My guess is that he will encourage you to date. If he doesn't encourage you to, I have to admit I will find him to be the most selfish, self-serving and self-centered man on the planet.

 

 

Please understand that the reason we all respond negatively is because we know what a good relationship looks and feels like. Your partner should be there to hold your hand, should call and check on how your day went, should be available for dinner and a movie out on a Tuesday just because it's Tuesday, should mow your grass, fix your kitchen sink and make you dinner on "pizza Fridays." Your partner should meet your family, your best friends and some of your work colleagues. He should support your interests and show up at your race even though watching other people run is the most boring activity on earth and he should help you take the cat to the vet because you're scared of what he's going to say.

 

 

Your partner should be with you - physically and emotionally. You shouldn't have to guess what he's feeling because you feel confident asking. You should have his attention and his time. He should cuddle you when you go to bed and kiss you good morning. He should be proud to call you his partner.

 

 

In A's, I've come to understand that sometimes partners can't always give all of those things and while I still don't think it's ever anything I'd ever choose, I've learned on these boards that I can try and empathize and not judge. (I've never been in an A and my husband hasn't cheated either.) But, you are getting even less than the other women posting here. You haven't been romantic with your exMM in nearly eight months. His last words to you about your relationship was that you were on a break. He doesn't seek to spend time alone with you or to actively be a partner with you in any way.

 

 

I think you have to take a hard look at what you're doing here. All of your waiting and hoping will not bring him back. All of your analyzing and your sometimes scheming to "run into" him won't re-spark his interest. Unfortunately, sometimes even when we still love, the other person has moved on. He is not going to come right out and tell you that it's over. I just don't see him doing that. He's had months to do it but he still avoids the conflict. Plus, I think he fears what you may say at work or to his wife or son about your past relationship so even if he wasn't going to avoid the conflict, he now has an incentive to avoid it. I genuinely believe he's hoping that eventually you will just "get it" that it's over.

 

 

Ask yourself when has he been there for you in the past six months and be honest in your response to yourself. If that answer is no then let it go. I won't say let him go, because he's gone and he's been gone. You need to let "it" go. The "it" are all of those hopes, dreams, romantic fantasies and "what if's" you've built around him. You can - and will - get the "it" back some day, but with a different man. If you don't let it go, I fear you'll never ever have more than you have right now.

[Adoraxx]

great post, georgia girl, thanks for writing that all down, it helps me too

[lookingforclosure]

You don't have to believe strangers on the internet over him. But people here are pointing out inconsistencies in your story that you just aren't seeing.

 

What you DO need is to look at his actions and how he has treated you. That is objective, having nothing to do with anyone here. Compare his actions to his words ("it's not over"). Do you really think he has acted like "it's not over"? If so, can you list in what ways his ACTIONS have told you "it's not over"?

 

Yes...go by his actions not his words. MyxMM told me "it's not goodbye, it's soon baby" Well 3 months later I haven't heard from him...he ignored all attempts of contact on my part and has went to the lengths of blocking my numbers. The old saying "Actions speak louder than words" is oh so true

[Scarlet2]

Can "actions speak louder than words" really be applied in regards to affairs though? My exbf keeps reminding me that it's not MM's lack of interest or it being over, he says MM is married and there is and will always be limitations because of that. MM can't do certain things other men can. Some MM have a lot more free time, some can coast better under the radar, some aren't watched like a hawk. If you have a MM, he might move mountains for you but his risk of getting caught must be pretty low or he just doesn't care if he gets caught. In my case, MM's actions aren't a reflection on me, he just has a busy life with few minutes to spare and a wife who controls the finances and he is rarely off alone by himself. I believe him when he says he'd rather be spending his time with me if he could. He just can't because he doesn't know how to work it out so that he doesn't get caught.

[Blu72]

^^^ Sorry, all excuses.

[whatatangledweb]

Can "actions speak louder than words" really be applied in regards to affairs though? My exbf keeps reminding me that it's not MM's lack of interest or it being over, he says MM is married and there is and will always be limitations because of that. MM can't do certain things other men can. Some MM have a lot more free time, some can coast better under the radar, some aren't watched like a hawk. If you have a MM, he might move mountains for you but his risk of getting caught must be pretty low or he just doesn't care if he gets caught. In my case, MM's actions aren't a reflection on me, he just has a busy life with few minutes to spare and a wife who controls the finances and he is rarely off alone by himself. I believe him when he says he'd rather be spending his time with me if he could. He just can't because he doesn't know how to work it out so that he doesn't get caught.

 

Since Sept how many personal phone calls or texts has he sent you? How many times has he been alone with you since then? I don't meet you stop and talk in a hallway or car lot. Has he kissed you, told you he loved you, missed you, and been loving since sept?

 

I know he stopped by your house twice . Once for paperwork for work and once after his father died. Is that it? How do you know you are in a relationship?

 

I am trying to see it from your eyes and the only thing I see is he tells you he hasn't ended it yet all signs show he did.

[nikki76]

Can "actions speak louder than words" really be applied in regards to affairs though? My exbf keeps reminding me that it's not MM's lack of interest or it being over, he says MM is married and there is and will always be limitations because of that. MM can't do certain things other men can. Some MM have a lot more free time, some can coast better under the radar, some aren't watched like a hawk. If you have a MM, he might move mountains for you but his risk of getting caught must be pretty low or he just doesn't care if he gets caught. In my case, MM's actions aren't a reflection on me, he just has a busy life with few minutes to spare and a wife who controls the finances and he is rarely off alone by himself. I believe him when he says he'd rather be spending his time with me if he could. He just can't because he doesn't know how to work it out so that he doesn't get caught.

 

I hate to say it, but your mm sounds just like mine. Excuse after excuse , yet can find time to go to lunch with friends or whatever.

 

I think he (your mm and mine) doesnt want to "end it" because he doesnt want you to expose the affair, or deal with the drama of how you would react. Or... he is keeping around for when he needs a little ego boost.

The longer you hang on in hopes that he might happen to find time to be with you, the more damage you are doing to your self esteem. You need to let this go and move on.

 

I know i should take my own advice. But like i said, the longer you hold on, the harder it is to let go.

[sunburned]

Sorry for brief t/j but ... nikki, you are back in the A?!?

[nikki76]

Sorry for brief t/j but ... nikki, you are back in the A?!?

 

Unfortunately, yes, I did break NC about a month ago. Still have only communicated very low contact, via texting and he has no intention of being physical with me again. Like I posted above, its just destroying my self esteem ( along with everything else). i know what i need to do, im just having a hard time fighting that addiction of getting an ego boost.

[anika99]

Can "actions speak louder than words" really be applied in regards to affairs though? My exbf keeps reminding me that it's not MM's lack of interest or it being over, he says MM is married and there is and will always be limitations because of that. MM can't do certain things other men can. Some MM have a lot more free time, some can coast better under the radar, some aren't watched like a hawk. If you have a MM, he might move mountains for you but his risk of getting caught must be pretty low or he just doesn't care if he gets caught. In my case, MM's actions aren't a reflection on me, he just has a busy life with few minutes to spare and a wife who controls the finances and he is rarely off alone by himself. I believe him when he says he'd rather be spending his time with me if he could. He just can't because he doesn't know how to work it out so that he doesn't get caught.

 

Scarlet, this is getting downright silly now. Can actions speak louder than words be applied to an affair is not anything you should worry about because you are not even in an affair. In order for there to be an affair there has to be something going on between the MM and his AP. Some time is spent sneaking away for sex and intimate secret meetings. Your exMM has been ignoring you for almost 8 months now. He has at times gone so far as to talk to other people right in front of you while acting like you are invisible. It's getting scary to see how delusional you are being. I don't know if you have ever been to therapy. If not then I think you should consider it. You need somebody in real life to give you a reality check because something has gone awry in how you are processing this break up.