death in MM's family

[Scarlet2]

They won't need names or places. They just need to know what you want help with.

 

You could ask for help with being strong. Having a boundary and sticking to it. Learning to honor yourself.

 

What else might you want to work on?

 

My anxiety too

[whichwayisup]

Scarlet, look into CBT - Cognitive behaviour therapy. This type of counseling is specific for those who suffer from anxiety disorders and depression.

 

Be strong, any time you feel the urge to reach out to MM, come on here and post instead.

[sagamore]

Right now I'm not having a very good day. I really don't know if I could say no. I want to say no, I want to say "go have sex with your wife" but I might get sucked into the "it'll be different this time" trap. I hope you are all correct and that he's not going to ask again.

 

Is there a specific kind of counselor that I need to do a keyword search for? Like there are all kinds for marriage, divorce, infidelity, couples but is there one for OW? Or is it just individual counseling? And how much info will they need when I start talking, do they need to know names and places?

 

This post shows progress, Scarlet!

 

(1) You are posting about your tough day here, instead of running to him for comfort. You are analyzing how you feel and working to find better coping mechanisms. This is good!

 

(2) If not yet repulsed, you are at least becoming ambivalent about him. Before you sounded resigned to whatever treatment he chose to dole out. Now you WANT to say no. That is the first step toward eventually saying no...for good.

 

(3) You're exploring the possibility of CBT. This was a huge help to me when I needed to kick my own set of unhealthy compulsions (eating disorder), and I think it will be helpful for you, too.

 

Overall, you sound stronger, clearer, more candid and realistic than you have in the history of this thread. I actually believe that one day, you will kick this MM to the curb - and you'll be so much stronger and healthier for it.

 

AND...if/when you have a relapse, your first step is to post here and keep working your therapy program. We all fall from time to time - the key is getting up. You can do it!

[Scarlet2]

I am disappointed to say that I had another setback and I need to vent.

 

I was doing so good not saying anything to him and felt myself healing but then he started texting and calling about work related things several days in a row when he rarely ever did that before. Of course I was suspicious but couldn't ignore it or I'd get in trouble with the boss. We also had face to face contact multiple times, I was still detached but cordial, feeling like this is doable, it doesn't hurt, maybe we really can be friends again as long as it remains like this.

 

Well, we had a prearranged date before I decided to back off, when the day arrived, I wasn't going to bring it up because I wasn't initiating conversation anymore and assumed he had forgotten about it. But he didn't forget and brought it up himself and I should have said don't worry about it but I didn't. I wanted to see what would happen. Guess what? When the time came to go, he canceled and postponed it with no explanation as to what came up. I text if everything is okay and guess who didn't get a response and has been getting the silent/avoidance treatment once again for the past two days. That's right, me...

 

I want to smack myself so hard. Mainly because I'm in turmoil trying to understand his situation when I shouldn't care. Maybe Father's Day upset him...

[Mount]

Why you are easy to be "played" or be manipulated? Can you please learn to be more "smart", or hard to get type...etc. Excuse me for being blunt. Relationship needs intelligence anyway, I do not mean your this one with that guy whom not even your MM.

 

Just saying.

 

I am disappointed to say that I had another setback and I need to vent.

 

I was doing so good not saying anything to him and felt myself healing but then he started texting and calling about work related things several days in a row when he rarely ever did that before. Of course I was suspicious but couldn't ignore it or I'd get in trouble with the boss. We also had face to face contact multiple times, I was still detached but cordial, feeling like this is doable, it doesn't hurt, maybe we really can be friends again as long as it remains like this.

 

Well, we had a prearranged date before I decided to back off, when the day arrived, I wasn't going to bring it up because I wasn't initiating conversation anymore and assumed he had forgotten about it. But he didn't forget and brought it up himself and I should have said don't worry about it but I didn't. I wanted to see what would happen. Guess what? When the time came to go, he canceled and postponed it with no explanation as to what came up. I text if everything is okay and guess who didn't get a response and has been getting the silent/avoidance treatment once again for the past two days. That's right, me...

 

I want to smack myself so hard. Mainly because I'm in turmoil trying to understand his situation when I shouldn't care. Maybe Father's Day upset him...

[whichwayisup]

I am disappointed to say that I had another setback and I need to vent.

 

I was doing so good not saying anything to him and felt myself healing but then he started texting and calling about work related things several days in a row when he rarely ever did that before. Of course I was suspicious but couldn't ignore it or I'd get in trouble with the boss. We also had face to face contact multiple times, I was still detached but cordial, feeling like this is doable, it doesn't hurt, maybe we really can be friends again as long as it remains like this.

No, you cannot be friends at all. Courteous and professional, yes. But friends? No way!

Well, we had a prearranged date before I decided to back off, when the day arrived, I wasn't going to bring it up because I wasn't initiating conversation anymore and assumed he had forgotten about it. But he didn't forget and brought it up himself and I should have said don't worry about it but I didn't. I wanted to see what would happen. Guess what? When the time came to go, he canceled and postponed it with no explanation as to what came up. I text if everything is okay and guess who didn't get a response and has been getting the silent/avoidance treatment once again for the past two days. That's right, me...

 

You should have said NO when he brought up it. NO that you are NOT interested in dating anymore. But instead he rejected you. Know why? To make a point and to show you that he can still treat you like shi.t and you keep falling for it. Start listening to your gut and your head, not your emotions and heart. He is toying with you on purpose and getting a big kick out of it and a huge ego feed knowing he has you in his back pocket.

 

I want to smack myself so hard. Mainly because I'm in turmoil trying to understand his situation when I shouldn't care. Maybe Father's Day upset him...

 

Who cares what upset him. Make yourself detach and not care. He doesn't give a crap about you. At all. Sorry to be blunt but you really need to open your eyes and hear this.

[beach]

What's new and on the job search?

 

A new job would create distance from this very dishonest and manipulative MM. Any job! Find one today - and no need to say goodbye to him - he doesn't show you any courtesy.

 

I hope you get moving forward changing all aspects of your life.

[Lurkeraspect]

How many more months, years, decades are you going to waste on this man? The affair has been over a long time, yet you're still wasting time, analyzing his every word and action. It's really sad.

[Scarlet2]

What's new and on the job search?

 

A new job would create distance from this very dishonest and manipulative MM. Any job! Find one today - and no need to say goodbye to him - he doesn't show you any courtesy.

 

I hope you get moving forward changing all aspects of your life.

 

Still looking. Out of sight out of mind will definitely help.

 

Spoke to him on the phone the other day, said he was looking for me but I was already gone. He said once again that I worry too much and everything is fine. Still empty words because there's no action to back it up.

 

Still forcing myself to detach, some days are harder than others.

[beach]

Still looking. Out of sight out of mind will definitely help.

 

Spoke to him on the phone the other day, said he was looking for me but I was already gone. He said once again that I worry too much and everything is fine. Still empty words because there's no action to back it up.

 

Still forcing myself to detach, some days are harder than others.

 

Try a NEW approach for a different outcome. Just plain ignore him - no matter what just ignore him. Don't even answer when he asks a question.

[Scarlet2]

I need to vent... I failed once again and I'm having a very rough day today. I can't stop crying.

 

He was talking about scheduling the prearranged date he had canceled. He was thinking his thoughts out loud and he made it sound like that particular day might be possible but he wasn't really sure so he said maybe next week. He didn't give a specific day or time but I latched onto the implication which I know I shouldn't have done. Part of me wants this to happen because I want to sit face to face and get it all off my chest but the other part is like, let it go there's no point, don't agree to see him, the result is still going to be the same, we are not going to be together.

 

But a few hours went by and I talked myself into wanting to get this over with as soon as possible so I sent a text to see if maybe anything might have changed in his schedule to free him up instead of next week. I wrote "we aren't going out today, right? I just want to make sure before I go off to do other things" and he wrote "I never said that, I don't even know when I'm going to be available today".

 

And this is why I get myself in trouble time and time again because I focus on the assumption and not the fact. This wasn't the response I was expecting but I know him well enough to know he's pissed at me because he feels I obligated him to something that he didn't agree to, which then means I get disappointed, which makes him feel guilty and he gets even madder. The cycle repeats.

 

I knew that if I tried to clarify or engage further while he's in that mood, I would make it worse so I lied and said I misunderstood. Never got a reply back but another hour goes by, still left to my thoughts and it was eating at me because it wasn't right and I had to fix it. I should have been more assertive, I should have said "I know you didn't say that". I tried to call so that no more texts could be misconstrued, he put me to voicemail. And now queue anxiety. I wait to see if he's going to call back, he didn't. I wait to see if he texts that he can't talk right now, he didn't. My anxiety increasing after another hour, I sent another text, falling into the trap, needed reassurance but he's punishing me with the silent treatment.

 

Broken record but I start feeling okay and moving on, he comes in and gas lights me. Seriously, if he wants this to all go away and be kept a secret forever, why does he keep provoking me to be irrational and risk being exposed when I was leaving him alone. He could have sent a text to defuse my emotions but it's like he wants me to have a self induced discovery day. I'm not doing it. I have more control than that. I'm back to square one, he's ignoring me and I have to stop letting it bother me. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want me to be fine without him, this is impossible.

 

He pursues, I reciprocate, he runs, I chase, repeat. Stop reciprocating, why can't I do this right...ugh

[beach]

I hope you will get counseling to help you redirect your thought processes... And a new job!

 

The one torturing you is yourself. Expecting nothing from him would be more appropriate - and it might help you to say no to him even if he dangles that carrot in front of you.

 

 

He's mean! I'd stop interacting with him all together... As in NO response to anything - even work stuff! Just don't answer. Nothing. Nada. Blank stare like he said nothing.

[AnotherSadSong]

He is abusive, not to a physical point yet, but he treats you with so much disrespect. I had to sit back and think extremely clear about similar behavior from my ex. It set me straight. I no longer carry any feelings. He is playing you and you are right under his thumb.

[AnotherSadSong]

I hope you will get counseling to help you redirect your thought processes... And a new job!

 

The one torturing you is yourself. Expecting nothing from him would be more appropriate - and it might help you to say no to him even if he dangles that carrot in front of you.

 

 

He's mean! I'd stop interacting with him all together... As in NO response to anything - even work stuff! Just don't answer. Nothing. Nada. Blank stare like he said nothing.

 

She needs to get away from him especially working with him. He is mean and abusive. The problem with her doing the no interaction and holding back is he will begin to chase not out of love but to collect another lion's tooth or scalp.

[beach]

There is evidence that handing this MM all of YOUR power isn't working.

 

 

Things will change when you do things differently.

[whichwayisup]

And the cycle repeats again. You text him, he ignores you. You back off, he comes looking for you, gives you a bit of hope, you show interest and react, he backs off again and ignores you.

 

It sounds so exhausting, dramatic and it's obvious you're full of anxiety and wonder.

 

There is NO real affair going on anymore. You cling to bits of hope just to see him, talk to him about what you are feeling but the thing is, he is NO interest in hearing what you have to say. He KNOWS he's being a d.ick to you and doesn't care one bit.

 

I say again, I wish you strength to just end this once and for all, quit your job, block him and get counseling to help you get over him.

 

Things will change when you are truly sick and tired of being dog poop on the bottom of his shoe.

[Scarlet2]

I own up to the disrespect though. I'm the one causing all this rage and conflict inside him because I didn't tell him no when he wanted to start the affair. And even if I had said no, I'd probably still be disrespected by him but it would be out of rejection, it's a no win situation with the exception that I would be in less pain because I wouldn't have built up the attachment and the bond.

 

This latest incident is more proof that he actually has to say it's over, he has to say that he wants me out of his life, because he will continue to use his go to line of "I never said that". His actions say it's over and I can point it out to him in countless ways but his argument is always going to be that he never said it until he finally says it. And we've already established that whatever I say gets dismissed because he doesn't care.

 

One of my male friends said I should start trying to hate him or be mean back but I don't want to suffer the backlash from that or is that the key to finally make him say it's over?

 

I plan to try harder at expecting nothing.

[AnotherSadSong]

I own up to the disrespect though. I'm the one causing all this rage and conflict inside him because I didn't tell him no when he wanted to start the affair.

 

I plan to try harder at expecting nothing.

 

 

I find this post really sad. I am sad for you that you value yourself so poorly.

[Mount]

The normality or common sense is that person does each thing that leads to a purpose or direct outcome for that person.

 

 

What did you get out of this thing - I meant you and this XMM's contact? What did you get out of him? Emotional support or love or even careness from him to you (I do not see it in your post), any other support from him?

 

 

I own up to the disrespect though. I'm the one causing all this rage and conflict inside him because I didn't tell him no when he wanted to start the affair. And even if I had said no, I'd probably still be disrespected by him but it would be out of rejection, it's a no win situation with the exception that I would be in less pain because I wouldn't have built up the attachment and the bond.

 

This latest incident is more proof that he actually has to say it's over, he has to say that he wants me out of his life, because he will continue to use his go to line of "I never said that". His actions say it's over and I can point it out to him in countless ways but his argument is always going to be that he never said it until he finally says it. And we've already established that whatever I say gets dismissed because he doesn't care.

 

One of my male friends said I should start trying to hate him or be mean back but I don't want to suffer the backlash from that or is that the key to finally make him say it's over?

 

I plan to try harder at expecting nothing.

[Mount]

It is already "over" all over the place in front you, you just do not want to or choose to accept it.

 

 

You can keep saying to yourself the opposite of reality, and for that, no one can stop you.

 

 

I own up to the disrespect though. I'm the one causing all this rage and conflict inside him because I didn't tell him no when he wanted to start the affair. And even if I had said no, I'd probably still be disrespected by him but it would be out of rejection, it's a no win situation with the exception that I would be in less pain because I wouldn't have built up the attachment and the bond.

 

This latest incident is more proof that he actually has to say it's over, he has to say that he wants me out of his life, because he will continue to use his go to line of "I never said that". His actions say it's over and I can point it out to him in countless ways but his argument is always going to be that he never said it until he finally says it. And we've already established that whatever I say gets dismissed because he doesn't care.

 

One of my male friends said I should start trying to hate him or be mean back but I don't want to suffer the backlash from that or is that the key to finally make him say it's over?

 

I plan to try harder at expecting nothing.

[whatatangledweb]

Scarlet,

Why does he need to tell you it is over for you to be done? Aren't you done with being hurt, feeling anxiety, and stress from it? What positives are you getting from it?

You really need to end it for yourself. From all your posts you are always hurting. It's time to stop the source of the pain.

[beach]

I own up to the disrespect though. I'm the one causing all this rage and conflict inside him because I didn't tell him no when he wanted to start the affair. And even if I had said no, I'd probably still be disrespected by him but it would be out of rejection, it's a no win situation with the exception that I would be in less pain because I wouldn't have built up the attachment and the bond.

 

This latest incident is more proof that he actually has to say it's over, he has to say that he wants me out of his life, because he will continue to use his go to line of "I never said that". His actions say it's over and I can point it out to him in countless ways but his argument is always going to be that he never said it until he finally says it. And we've already established that whatever I say gets dismissed because he doesn't care.

 

One of my male friends said I should start trying to hate him or be mean back but I don't want to suffer the backlash from that or is that the key to finally make him say it's over?

 

I plan to try harder at expecting nothing.

 

You're not causing the conflict in him - you're causing it in yourself.

 

He's using you because you're allowing it.

 

 

And never go by anyone else's "word" - actions, or lack of - always over ride words. Some weak and wimpy people will never, ever tell you what you need to hear. Always go by action or inaction.

 

 

In a way he's reducing you to embarrassment by constantly reprimanding you after giving false hope. The false hope just makes him a bigger liar... But it feeds his ego! All the a cost for you.

Edited July 12, 2015 by beach

[whichwayisup]

This latest incident is more proof that he actually has to say it's over, he has to say that he wants me out of his life, because he will continue to use his go to line of "I never said that". His actions say it's over and I can point it out to him in countless ways but his argument is always going to be that he never said it until he finally says it. And we've already established that whatever I say gets dismissed because he doesn't care.

 

Why does he have to say it's over? Why can't YOU say it's over? This is the part that baffles me. His actions and the way he's been treating you for a very long time has shown you (at best) that your affair is NOT the same as it once was and it is more or less over. You feel like shi.t more than you are happy. Time to take control and end it on your own instead of waiting for him to say the words. Just do it. Whatever is going on now between you two is damaging and pointless in the long run.

[beach]

Why does he have to say it's over? Why can't YOU say it's over? This is the part that baffles me. His actions and the way he's been treating you for a very long time has shown you (at best) that your affair is NOT the same as it once was and it is more or less over. You feel like shi.t more than you are happy. Time to take control and end it on your own instead of waiting for him to say the words. Just do it. Whatever is going on now between you two is damaging and pointless in the long run.

 

Or just don't tell him a thing - but ignore every word he says - meanwhile exiting for a new job and a fresh start!

[AnotherSadSong]

Stand up for yourself and get yourself the biggest back bone and be the biggest and I am not talking big but gigantic bitch panties and wear them well put him through the ringer and you will get your answer!

 

 

Seeing him without the façade will open you up to the truth this man is a complete loser and does not respect anyone. It is not you; It is him.

 

 

He will not like it but he will grow huge respect for you. No one stands up to him and he thinks he has all the women in his life under his thumb. Let him have it.