death in MM's family

[AnotherSadSong]

Do not demand anything from him or nag. But tell him what you do expect and what you will and what you will not put up with. And you can take this one from me and use it on him, hit him where it hurts.

 

 

Tell him he is the biggest failure of a man you have ever come across and that he cannot even keep up with the electricity bill. How pathetic you are. (Men are extremely literal and by telling him this you are letting him know he is a failure and is not good enough for you) Add what you need to.

 

 

Tell him he is dead to you and he needs to lie the f__ down and you walk away. I never cuss in casual conversation and if you do not in normal conversation this will let him know you are the boss and you mean business.

[Adoraxx]

Love that, AnotherSadSong! You know, in a way it's actually helpful for me to read this thread (and I hope the OP gets out of the A once and for all!!) because I see many similarities with my xMM. He still tries to keep one foot inside the door, telling and asking me 'miss you and think about you much... would you like it if I would come by some time?' and then, when I say 'sure', he acts vague when I ask when, eventually mentions a day... and then the day is there and suddenly it's "I never said Tuesday. I said I might come by on Tuesday OR Wednesday." Endless mind games! Anyway, what I wanted to say, like the OP I'm sort of scared of him, scared to stand up to him because I always get punished so that's why I prefer to keep myself 'hidden' (he's my neighbor) but then your post I love too because I would honestly love to show him my very bitchy super bitch side!!!! lol! who knows, one day!!

[AnotherSadSong]

Love that, AnotherSadSong! You know, in a way it's actually helpful for me to read this thread (and I hope the OP gets out of the A once and for all!!) because I see many similarities with my xMM. He still tries to keep one foot inside the door, telling and asking me 'miss you and think about you much... would you like it if I would come by some time?' and then, when I say 'sure', he acts vague when I ask when, eventually mentions a day... and then the day is there and suddenly it's "I never said Tuesday. I said I might come by on Tuesday OR Wednesday." Endless mind games! Anyway, what I wanted to say, like the OP I'm sort of scared of him, scared to stand up to him because I always get punished so that's why I prefer to keep myself 'hidden' (he's my neighbor) but then your post I love too because I would honestly love to show him my very bitchy super bitch side!!!! lol! who knows, one day!!

 

Thank you and I hope you get there someday. It takes you to another world! One of great satisfaction.

[Mount]

This post started from Sept 2014, two more months it will be Sept 2015. To OP, what have you got out from it - any positive improvement (spiritual or material-like) on yourself from the so-called XMM.

 

There has nothing going on between this guy and you, but you insist on just because he does not say "it is over" clearly, you still do not want to let it go? And for what? really? You hang on so much, for what?

[Scarlet2]

Venting again... I'm the one who is currently getting the silent treatment from him after he got pissed, he will not text me, he will not call me, he will not tell me anything, and a week later after I stopped trying for a response, I finally see him at work, he still will not talk, will not look at me and it's written all over his face like it was I who hurt him instead of the other way around. How is that even possible?

[beach]

Venting again... I'm the one who is currently getting the silent treatment from him after he got pissed, he will not text me, he will not call me, he will not tell me anything, and a week later after I stopped trying for a response, I finally see him at work, he still will not talk, will not look at me and it's written all over his face like it was I who hurt him instead of the other way around. How is that even possible?

 

Scarlet.... Please seek professional help. At this point it's you who is torturing yourself.

 

Please get help... Your issues appear to be deep...and need intensive therapy.

 

You just aren't processing any of this rationally.

[Scarlet2]

What's to process, it's done, but I can still be curious as to why he's hurting as if I were the dumper. Maybe I didn't react the way he thought I would... My heart is not a game.

[whichwayisup]

Venting again... I'm the one who is currently getting the silent treatment from him after he got pissed, he will not text me, he will not call me, he will not tell me anything, and a week later after I stopped trying for a response, I finally see him at work, he still will not talk, will not look at me and it's written all over his face like it was I who hurt him instead of the other way around. How is that even possible?

 

Scarlet, he's done with you. A man who treats a woman like he's been treating you is acting like a total a-hole. He is doing this intentionally so you'll hate him and tell him to F-off. Don't over analyze what he is doing, it's his game play to drive you crazy. Just stop playing. Start looking for another job asap and as soon as you get hired somewhere else, quit the current job so you'll never see him again.

 

You must be tired of feeling this way?

[whichwayisup]

What's to process, it's done, but I can still be curious as to why he's hurting as if I were the dumper. Maybe I didn't react the way he thought I would... My heart is not a game.

 

He doesn't care about your heart. That's obvious.

[beach]

What's to process, it's done, but I can still be curious as to why he's hurting as if I were the dumper. Maybe I didn't react the way he thought I would... My heart is not a game.

 

Seek a professional to help you with doing things differently.

 

Find out why you would settle for and still seek out a man when he's been so cruel to you.

 

It a matter of learning to respect yourself and what that might look like for you in the future.

 

If you don't you're likely to allow the next man to treat you so poorly as well...

[Scarlet2]

Probably from the religious upbringing where you're supposed to be kind and forgiving regardless of how others treat you :-/

[beach]

Probably from the religious upbringing where you're supposed to be kind and forgiving regardless of how others treat you :-/

 

That's not a valid reason. God would also want to treating yourself with respect.

[Scarlet2]

I know I'm going to get skewered like I always do when I post, but if what I'm experiencing helps someone else relate, then it's worth it...

 

Since I last posted in July, he pretty much continued to be upset with me for over a month, silent treatment & avoidance. I had the usual ups and downs as I was coming to terms that maybe he really was done for good this time and every time I started to have a good day, coworkers would ask me about him, "why does he look mad at the world all the time" and all I could do was shrug because I haven't seen him or talked to him. One day I overheard him telling someone he's miserable but he didn't know I was nearby but it confirmed what people were seeing. His posts on fb dramatically decreased, some of them had a new location in the early hours which made me wonder if he moved out especially when he also downgraded his vehicle when the one he had prior was brand new and he had wanted it for a while so it didn't make sense to me why the swap out.

 

In August, he lifted the silence and explained why he behaved the way he did. He gets frustrated that I hear what I want to hear and that I come up with my own conclusions to his actions instead of paying attention to the words. He continued to schedule to see me, still would cancel most of the time. He complains that he keeps waiting for his obligations to lighten up but everyone knows life keeps moving, something is always going to happen, as soon as he gets one thing resolved, another thing presents itself, every time...

 

He lost a lot of weight within the last year and his wife started posting and gushing about it, she even changed her profile photo to both of them so I assumed she started paying attention to him again. When another month went by after we had "made up" and he still wasn't making time to see me, I flat out asked him what the deal was. I told him I understand busy but if his excuses are to blow me off and I'm just not getting the hint, if he wants me to go away and stop trying to see him, he needs to tell me. He says no and apologizes for being a jerk and insists that he wants to keep seeing me and it improved somewhat.

 

Then in October, I noticed he had a new wedding band. That got my attention because I didn't know what that meant. My thought processes were: did he get a new ring because of the weightloss, but he's lost weight before and didn't get a new ring that time... and why is it exactly like the one I had put on my pinterest for when I get my own husband someday, why not resize or replace with the same kind. Or did he change it because he's working on his marriage, starting over, doesn't want me anymore and the other one is tainted from the affair. But she didn't get a new ring, wouldn't they replace both... But we've still been intimate even after the new ring so I assume the tainted theory doesn't apply because this one has been tainted too then.

 

After Christmas, he started withdrawing from me again and for a while they were spending money like crazy and running all over but now all he does is stay home and plays videogames, I know this fact because we are on each others friend list, which is ironic because he would get onto his sons for playing all the time and now he's doing it himself.

 

He still continues to tell me he does things with me in mind, and I still can't figure out why he would rather do it with me "in spirit" when he can do it with me for real if he really wanted to. And for some reason, he won't shower before he goes home now, I don't know what that's about. So it makes me start thinking again that maybe he wants to be caught.

 

I still continue to look for another job, I have submitted several applications and been interviewed but have yet to be successful due to salary requirements. I can't make less than what I currently do or I won't be able to pay my mortgage.

 

I would say it's been since around November when I finally forced myself to stop initiating and pursuing. I don't call first, I don't text first. I only respond when he reaches out. Doing that really cut down on my stress and anxiety. I also can't see his fb posts anymore so I'm clueless as to what is going on.

 

Two months ago we had another talk and he said he didn't start this to change his life, he doesn't want his life to change and the reason he pulled back all those months ago was because he could feel his life falling apart, he wanted to be with me all the time but couldn't let go of his existing life so he retreated back. I made the conversation start going towards formally ending it since it really is a dead end if he doesn't want his life to change and he throws it back on me, asking me why I'm making him choose but my response was he already made his choice and I'm acknowledging it but he said lets put a pin in it for now because he was tired and I'm emotional.

 

I've removed myself from his life as much as I can but he's still miserable. He told me today that he wants to give his two week notice at work because he can't handle it anymore because nothing is changing. He's tired of complaining every day and it's affecting his health. He doesn't have a new job lined up but he said his wife wants him to quit too because she's taking the brunt of his misery. I don't think it's the job. He's pretty much his own boss, he works by himself and out of the office, the job runs the way he wants it to, he makes all the decisions. I offered to help take some of the pressure off by doing some of the tasks to see if it makes the job better but now I'm realizing maybe I shouldn't have said that because I'm being the band-aid again. Maybe his life does need to fall apart in order to find the peace he's looking for.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand what he's going through. What's making him so unhappy. Is it mid-life crisis? Is it his wife? Is it me? Is all this the typical catalyst for divorces?

[sandylee1]

He's probably miserable because he's leading a double life .... trying to balance wife and mistress isn't working too well for him.

Listen to his words and actions. He's staying married.

 

Time for you to stop wasting your life and wondering what's going on in another woman's marriage.

[S2B]

If you think his happiness is based on someone or something else you're mistaken. It comes from within.

 

And having said that - same goes for you - look within. You shouldn't base your happiness on him, the job or anything else.

 

 

He's given enough evidence that he is a real jerk. I hope you don't waste one more second thinking about him.

 

I also hope he leaves the job. Don't help him. It's his job to do and if he doesn't intend to do it any longer then good if he goes!

 

Pay attention to your life! Pay attention to doing more for yourself.

 

Know where your boundary is and stick to it! If you don't know where your boundary is then seek professional help to understand what that SHOULD look like for you.

 

 

In life - this is about YOU, NOT him!

[whatatangledweb]

There is no way to know unless he tells you. He could just be unhappy with himself. Does his wife know about the affair? His actions seem to show he doesn't want to be in the affair but doesn't want to be the one to end it. If you are hoping his marriage ends and he goes to you...I'm sorry but I don't see that happening since he has never made you a priority. How long has the affair lasted? Is it two years?

[Babs22]

Scarlet2,

If your MM is planning on quitting his job, I think he is having trouble leading the double life. I believe he cares about you, but like my MM he will never leave his M. I understand why my MM does not want to leave his M. Loss of assets, loss of respect from him wife and family and kids if he has them. I don't think he has the heart to end the A and seeing you at work everyday makes it harder for him. If you had been able to find another job, he would have probably never had to leave his job. He is a man torn between both his marriage and his affair.

 

I think it has been good for you to pull back and not initiate and not check his facebook. I deactivated mine, because even though my MM never posted about his marriage or her (absolutely no pics on his FB page), I was still checking his, hers, their family members. Such a waste of time.

 

Anyway, your MM is most likely depressed. He will not leave his M no matter how unhappy or miserable he is. Him quitting his job is proof of that. He would rather quit his job than his M. In my case, I do not believe MM will ever end our A, unless there was a Dday, then he would drop me like a hot potato. If I end it, I believe he will stay NC, so I have to make sure this is what I want to do. It is a dead end relationship, as is yours, so I am not sure what my or your motivation would be to stay in our As. I do love him, and he is my best friend. We currently spend 2-5 days a week together for at least an hour exercising, walking or having a meal. It will be difficult to end the A, but best for all involved. I think if you or I end our As, our MM might feel a huge sense of relief. They will be sad, but relieved that they did not have to be the ones to end it.

[13Hearts]

I know I'm going to get skewered like I always do when I post, but if what I'm experiencing helps someone else relate, then it's worth it...

 

Since I last posted in July, he pretty much continued to be upset with me for over a month, silent treatment & avoidance. I had the usual ups and downs as I was coming to terms that maybe he really was done for good this time and every time I started to have a good day, coworkers would ask me about him, "why does he look mad at the world all the time" and all I could do was shrug because I haven't seen him or talked to him. One day I overheard him telling someone he's miserable but he didn't know I was nearby but it confirmed what people were seeing. His posts on fb dramatically decreased, some of them had a new location in the early hours which made me wonder if he moved out especially when he also downgraded his vehicle when the one he had prior was brand new and he had wanted it for a while so it didn't make sense to me why the swap out.

 

In August, he lifted the silence and explained why he behaved the way he did. He gets frustrated that I hear what I want to hear and that I come up with my own conclusions to his actions instead of paying attention to the words. He continued to schedule to see me, still would cancel most of the time. He complains that he keeps waiting for his obligations to lighten up but everyone knows life keeps moving, something is always going to happen, as soon as he gets one thing resolved, another thing presents itself, every time...

 

He lost a lot of weight within the last year and his wife started posting and gushing about it, she even changed her profile photo to both of them so I assumed she started paying attention to him again. When another month went by after we had "made up" and he still wasn't making time to see me, I flat out asked him what the deal was. I told him I understand busy but if his excuses are to blow me off and I'm just not getting the hint, if he wants me to go away and stop trying to see him, he needs to tell me. He says no and apologizes for being a jerk and insists that he wants to keep seeing me and it improved somewhat.

 

Then in October, I noticed he had a new wedding band. That got my attention because I didn't know what that meant. My thought processes were: did he get a new ring because of the weightloss, but he's lost weight before and didn't get a new ring that time... and why is it exactly like the one I had put on my pinterest for when I get my own husband someday, why not resize or replace with the same kind. Or did he change it because he's working on his marriage, starting over, doesn't want me anymore and the other one is tainted from the affair. But she didn't get a new ring, wouldn't they replace both... But we've still been intimate even after the new ring so I assume the tainted theory doesn't apply because this one has been tainted too then.

 

After Christmas, he started withdrawing from me again and for a while they were spending money like crazy and running all over but now all he does is stay home and plays videogames, I know this fact because we are on each others friend list, which is ironic because he would get onto his sons for playing all the time and now he's doing it himself.

 

He still continues to tell me he does things with me in mind, and I still can't figure out why he would rather do it with me "in spirit" when he can do it with me for real if he really wanted to. And for some reason, he won't shower before he goes home now, I don't know what that's about. So it makes me start thinking again that maybe he wants to be caught.

 

I still continue to look for another job, I have submitted several applications and been interviewed but have yet to be successful due to salary requirements. I can't make less than what I currently do or I won't be able to pay my mortgage.

 

I would say it's been since around November when I finally forced myself to stop initiating and pursuing. I don't call first, I don't text first. I only respond when he reaches out. Doing that really cut down on my stress and anxiety. I also can't see his fb posts anymore so I'm clueless as to what is going on.

 

Two months ago we had another talk and he said he didn't start this to change his life, he doesn't want his life to change and the reason he pulled back all those months ago was because he could feel his life falling apart, he wanted to be with me all the time but couldn't let go of his existing life so he retreated back. I made the conversation start going towards formally ending it since it really is a dead end if he doesn't want his life to change and he throws it back on me, asking me why I'm making him choose but my response was he already made his choice and I'm acknowledging it but he said lets put a pin in it for now because he was tired and I'm emotional.

 

I've removed myself from his life as much as I can but he's still miserable. He told me today that he wants to give his two week notice at work because he can't handle it anymore because nothing is changing. He's tired of complaining every day and it's affecting his health. He doesn't have a new job lined up but he said his wife wants him to quit too because she's taking the brunt of his misery. I don't think it's the job. He's pretty much his own boss, he works by himself and out of the office, the job runs the way he wants it to, he makes all the decisions. I offered to help take some of the pressure off by doing some of the tasks to see if it makes the job better but now I'm realizing maybe I shouldn't have said that because I'm being the band-aid again. Maybe his life does need to fall apart in order to find the peace he's looking for.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand what he's going through. What's making him so unhappy. Is it mid-life crisis? Is it his wife? Is it me? Is all this the typical catalyst for divorces?

Sorry Scarlet but WTH are you doing? How many more years are you going to continue to expose yourself to this depressed, angry, wishy-washy weakling who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag? If I were you, I would have kicked him in the ass a long time ago. What a crybaby!

 

You are wasting time. Life is so short and you are throwing opportunity after opportunity out the window while you keep all your focus and attention on some whiny married guy who can't tell his azz from a hole in the ground. Go find someone who can bring some fun and excitement into your life!

[bathtub-row]

I'm not meaning to bash you so please don't take it this way. This guy is going to stay married to his wife. Period. End of story.

 

If you have hopes that this great love he has for you will motivate him to eventually end his misery and leave his marriage, you're truly kidding yourself. People probably get tired of hearing me say this but I'll repeat myself in case it helps you. Women always make the mistake of thinking that men place the same value on love as we do. The simple truth is, they don't. Obligations, money, reputation, family, and kids will almost always take precedence over everything else. Him cheating on his wife is not a sign that he's about to leave his marriage. Actually, it means just the opposite. He has opted to cheat while staying with his wife.

 

I think it's high time to ask yourself how many more precious years of your life do you plan on wasting in this relationship that has nowhere to go; that offers nothing for you? And the usual, "But I love him" story is just not enough in this case.

Edited March 12, 2016 by bathtub-row

[Babs22]

Women always make the mistake of thinking that men place the same value on love as we do. The simple truth is, they don't. Obligations, money, reputation, family, and kids will almost always take precedence over everything else. Him cheating on his wife is not a sign that he's about to leave his marriage. Actually, it means just the opposite. He has opted to cheat while staying with his wife.

 

TRUE, TRUE, TRUE!!

 

I think what bathtub-row said was so important that it bore repeating again. Men do NOT place the same value on love as woman do. He isn't going to leave his wife!

[sandylee1]

Women always make the mistake of thinking that men place the same value on love as we do. The simple truth is, they don't. Obligations, money, reputation, family, and kids will almost always take precedence over everything else.

 

I say this is a generalisation. A decent man with morals will not cheat and will choose to leave the marriage if he no longer wants it.

 

I've My known enough do so and my brother was one .... he was unhappy in his marriage and in spite of loosing assets....and seeing his kids every day .... he left. He has nobody in tow when he filed for divorce.

 

Divorce DOES NOT mean you loose your children. In all honesty you can actually end up spending more quality time with them post divorce.

 

He choose NOT TO CHEAT.

 

That's what a decent, self respecting man does...rather than sneak around cheating on his wife. There's nothing attractive about a spineless man who hasn't got what it takes to leave a marriage if he's not happy. ....that's my view anyway.

[S2B]

I can't remember Scarlet - how old are you? How old is the MM?

[whichwayisup]

One day way down the road, you're gonna look back this 'affair' and this MM. More than likely you're going to regret all the energy you spent on him and wish that you walked away.

 

Nothing has changed since the last time you posted, this man isn't leaving his wife and he certainly treats you hot and cold, depending on which day he wants his ego feed. You deserve so much better!! He isn't ever going to give you what you want Scarlet. Please take the time to really think if he's worth all the pain and heartache and suffering he puts you through. All for what?

[Libra girl]

My MM's mother died last month. I just gave him condolence message and some financial support which i sent through my personal driver.

[Scarlet2]

whatatangledweb: Does his wife know about the affair? I think she might know but she's never said anything to me and he hasn't told me if she knows. The feeling first started at his dad's memorial. As we are all milling around, talking to one person to the next, any time I would get close to her vicinity, bracing myself for having to say hello while pretending that I'm not sleeping with her husband, she would end up disappearing to another area before we had to say anything to each other. Then we had a company function and I thought he wasn't going to bring her because it's really not a good idea to have your mistress and wife in the same room but he brought her anyway even though it was optional because it wasn't going to last very long and at one point, they had gotten up to walk into another area and he walked by me and she walked all the way around a different way to not have to walk by me and the first thing that popped into my head was "she knows".

How long has the affair lasted? Is it two years? yes

 

S2B: how old are you? How old is the MM? 40 & 45. All his kids are over the age of 20 now, his last one just left the nest.