death in MM's family

[road]

I think I’ve entered into the anger stage of grief. A couple more people have quit at work and I’ve been so preoccupied with those responsibilities that I haven’t had time to go to the restroom, let alone think about anything. Haven’t been crying either. But then several different people kept saying his name in conversations recently, even though they weren’t talking about MM, just coincidence that he has the same name, but his name is not common enough to be heard as often as I was hearing it. And they would keep saying it instead of using pronouns, like when someone talks in third person, and I just wanted to scream shut up, I don’t want to hear his name. Even heard it on a radio ad too.

 

Then the other day my coworker sent me a random text again, and once again nothing was said prior to this happening, and it contained a screenshot of MM’s post of a newspaper ad of his wife’s new business with her photo on it. I didn’t understand why I had to see this and spite & bitterness rose up in me and I replied with something about newspapers are the toilet for birds and hamsters.

 

All the things I’ve read about NC, don’t talk to him, don’t think about him, don’t run into him, don’t stalk his social media, but nothing mentioned when it gets sent to you, unwanted.

 

Scarlet, who and what are you mad at?

[georgia girl]

I think I’ve entered into the anger stage of grief. A couple more people have quit at work and I’ve been so preoccupied with those responsibilities that I haven’t had time to go to the restroom, let alone think about anything. Haven’t been crying either. But then several different people kept saying his name in conversations recently, even though they weren’t talking about MM, just coincidence that he has the same name, but his name is not common enough to be heard as often as I was hearing it. And they would keep saying it instead of using pronouns, like when someone talks in third person, and I just wanted to scream shut up, I don’t want to hear his name. Even heard it on a radio ad too.

 

Then the other day my coworker sent me a random text again, and once again nothing was said prior to this happening, and it contained a screenshot of MM’s post of a newspaper ad of his wife’s new business with her photo on it. I didn’t understand why I had to see this and spite & bitterness rose up in me and I replied with something about newspapers are the toilet for birds and hamsters.

 

All the things I’ve read about NC, don’t talk to him, don’t think about him, don’t run into him, don’t stalk his social media, but nothing mentioned when it gets sent to you, unwanted.

 

Scarlett,

 

I know it’s hard but at some point, you need to stop you from making random connections back to him. The text from the friend was out of your control - but a name on the radio or in other conversations was simply the same name - a coincidence. It is not a sign but instead a trap your mind is using to keep you connected to him. Tell your mind to knock it off.

[S2B]

You definitely need a NEW job. A fresh start!

 

Start looking immediately. This will help you immensely.

[S2B]

You definitely need a NEW job. A fresh start!

 

Start looking immediately. This will help you immensely.

 

 

And do you realize that it's been 3-1/2 YEARS since you started this thread? All the years wasted on this MM who hasn't shown any interest for a long time.

[Scarlet2]

I kept trying to gain some kind of clarity on why he ghosted me. Millions of questions with no answers. Piecing pieces together from posts I found, he’s born again. He’s always been involved with the church but now it’s 100% Jesus 24/7 and being with me goes against the word of God. He didn’t leave me for the love of his wife, he left because he loves God more and wants to go to heaven.

 

However, I would think a good born again Christian would have common decency to tell you they don’t want you in your life anymore. But on the other hand, am I that horrible that he had to turn to God than to be with me. Does he believe praying protects him due to the fact that I haven’t made his life difficult, didn’t get revenge or blow up his world. But it’s not God’s protection, I’m 100% in control of my actions. But also if he indeed thinks I’m so ungodly, why isn’t he trying to save my soul. I guess not worthy...

 

I also recently found out that his parents had gotten divorced when he was a kid because of cheating. So if he already had first hand experience of what cheating can do, why did he do it himself? Was he trying to get caught to divorce but then when he didn’t get caught and it didn’t blow up, now he’s blessed?

 

Another thing that boggles my mind is another one of his kids got married without telling them until after the fact. So boastful that you’re married for almost 30 years and your own kids don’t involve you in their own ceremonies, something is wrong with that. Especially with the daughter not wanting her own mother at hers. They’re not estranged, they all talk to each other every day, what’s the reason you don’t include your parents?

 

Last month my intuition wanted me to reach out to him and I kept telling it no, he hasn’t reached out to me in over a year, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want me in his life. But the thought was persistent and I was like, why is this happening, do I listen to it or ignore it. I ended up sending a stupid meme through text and of course I was still getting the silent treatment, no response.

 

Then the weirdest thing happened about three days ago. He popped into my head really strong out of no where and I got extremely upset and started crying and I wanted to call him but I can’t so I didn’t. A few hours later I find out his mom just died. Now I want to reach out to express condolence but I’m torn on what to do. That’s the worst kind of hell when you’re bonded to someone, sense things when you’re not even around, but they don’t want you.

 

His mom and him had a rocky relationship but was starting to improve the last couple of years. After his parents divorced, he chose to live with his dad instead of her and he could never understand why she went cold and didn’t get involved with his kids the same way she would for his sister. When he told me this, I said I know a boy needs his dad but sounds like she has resentment because you didn’t pick her. Guess I have his mother’s resentment now.... You run the scenarios through your head, he’s never coming back but if he did come back, I’m so full of resentment that I can hear myself saying “you wanted to live a life without me in it, so go effin live it without me”

 

The other thing I think about is when is d day coming and how do I prepare for it. It’s been over for a long time now but there’s going to be a fallout eventually, right? How often do affairs stay undiscovered? 10 years from now he might have a huge fight with his wife and reveal the truth or will he take it to his grave.

[d0nnivain]

You need to figure out why you are still so obsessed with this, all these years later. It's not healthy & it's holding you back.

 

I find it ironic that you are concerned with his ghosting & saying that a born again Christian should have the decency to tell you that he doesn't want you in his life. Honey, a true Christian would not break all the Commandments he had to break to have an affair with you in the 1st place. He's nothing but a hypocrite. The fact that his kid excluded him from the wedding shows that even those closest to him don't like him.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if D day already happened. The BW knows about you but chose to stay because she wanted to avoid the scandal of the affair. The kids are cutting them off because Dad is a slime & mommy is too weak to walk away.

[bathtub-row]

If D-Day hasn’t come already, it’s not likely to. Look, I understand this kind of connection to someone and I’d love to tell you that it means something but, quite often, it doesn’t. What your ex did to you was horrible. He could’ve at least said goodbye to you, given you an explanation. A lot of time has gone by now and it’s time you dropped all expectations of him and stop asking these endless questions. His lack of response, him not reaching out to you in hard times is a clear sign that it’s over in his mind.

 

You’re making the classic mistake that a lot of women make. You’re putting so much belief into what you feel that you’re overlooking reality. And, worse, this ridiculous relationship is stealing your life away. Stop pining over this jerk and stop glorifying who he is. He desserted you without so much as an explanation. He hurt you deeply. There’s nothing charming about those things. I don’t care what nice side of himself he showed to you, what he did was awful and you would do well to stop seeing this situation as the great love of your life and, instead, see it for what it is.

[BaileyB]

If you spent as much time and introspection analyzing yourself, the decisions you have made and why you find yourself in the situation you do... As you spend analyzing this man - his life history, why he does the things he does, and what you think he "should" feel and do... Well, you would be in a much better place.

 

This is not healthy for you. You are wasting your life over a man who could care less...

[jenkins95]

Scarlet, I'm so sorry for your pain - I can tell it's very deep.

 

it’s 100% Jesus 24/7 and being with me goes against the word of God. He didn’t leave me for the love of his wife, he left because he loves God more and wants to go to heaven.

 

PLEASE!

 

Just when I thought I'd heard every excuse possible when it comes to affairs. I'm sorry - but this is just ridiculous. Walk away Scarlet - for good this time. Take back your life and don't give him the time of day again. He'll be ok - he has Jesus by his side now! (reaching for sick-bag)

 

And as for the other MM that is showing an interest?

 

Please. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!! (multiplied by 6000)!

 

Sorry to be blunt - just trying to be cruel to be kind because I care. You deserve so much more than any man who already has a ring on his finger. Don't get dragged into this type of situation a second time - you may not survive it twice and you know as much as anyone that any claims and promises that MM make when they first meet an OW are usually, at best, a distorted version of the truth and often just outright lies. Don't go there - please. There are so many nice, single guys out there - you deserve someone who is yours and yours only.

 

Good luck Scarlet. Thinking of you (((Hugs)))

 

Edit: I just realised that mention of the other MM was months ago - so hopefully nothing came of that?

Edited September 3, 2018 by jenkins95

[S2B]

He has shown he cares very little.

 

You need to realize that.

[Scarlet2]

 

Edit: I just realised that mention of the other MM was months ago - so hopefully nothing came of that?

 

Yes, nothing came of that. I rejected another one too.

[jenkins95]

Yes, nothing came of that. I rejected another one too.

 

Good for you (((Scarlet))).

[Daisy2013]

I kept trying to gain some kind of clarity on why he ghosted me. Millions of questions with no answers. Piecing pieces together from posts I found, he’s born again. He’s always been involved with the church but now it’s 100% Jesus 24/7 and being with me goes against the word of God. He didn’t leave me for the love of his wife, he left because he loves God more and wants to go to heaven.

 

 

My MM said the exact.same.thing. It is God he wants to honor, and although he and his W have nothing and never will so he says, it is to God to whom he is keeping his vows. It took me 4 years to finally get it and believe him. He is also heavily involved in church and respected.

[Vivir]

It's amazing to me how people realize that they had just what they wanted all along ... only after messing off in someone else's life, damn near ruining them.

 

Scarlet, I think the advice you've been given is definitely in your best interests; this person doesn't deserve a second of your time, your thoughts, your efforts, but I am sure you already know that... as I am sure you know a host of other things. It is the implementation and sticking with it that most of us find extremely hard.

 

We just can't believe what happened to us. We just can't believe we were fooled (or our own naivete) and that all we put in to keep this thing alive was for nothing. It's over. Our time, lost. Our love, rejected. Our efforts meant nothing. What we gave depleted us and was very often used so that another relationship could be engorged. And it hurts so badly. And that pain is very, very real.

 

This is a wound, and perhaps you should imagine it as such. You'll have to protect the wound and care for it in order for it to heal properly and without scarring. Deep wounds don't heal over night. Sometimes, there is a hospital stay as a result of injury. If you keep allowing the wound to be reopened, it won't heal. If you allow it to fester and/or get infected, it won't heal - and that will only make it 10X worse!

 

Scarlet, YOU need you, and you will have to fight to find a way to put YOU in first place. This "man" currently has God, Jesus, his wife and family, and you, all catering to his needs and every want... Who do you have in your corner, Scarlet? Who?

[BluesPower]

To your last question first...

 

I forget if you are married, but if you are everyone has told you to tell your H. If you are not married, of course it does not matter.

 

As to any kind of D-Day, it could happen at any time, any way, any how, OR it may never happen. That is the nature of affairs.

 

Besides any of that, it is most troubling that that you still pine for him. He may think he is a godly man now, and hey, maybe he is.

 

But he was not before, and this is the man that you know. What is more, you should realize that what you guys had on one level or another was not real.

 

Not that there was not love, I am sure that there was, but it is almost never enough.

 

This man that you pine for, whether you want to believe it or not, is not worth the mental energy that you are giving him.

 

I was not then, nor am I even now, worth the love some women gave me when I was in that place in my life...

[Bittersweetie]

Scarlet, could it be that you are still so focused on this xMM because then you don't have to take a closer look at yourself, your actions, your marriage?

 

I ask because there was a time after my A when I started thinking again about xMM and realized it was as an escape from facing my own stuff.

 

Facing our own stuff can be really hard, really painful, almost more so than the pain that an affair causes. But things won't change unless we face and deal with our stuff. I hope you can find the strength to do that and move toward a healthier place.

[S2B]

Scarlet - what have you done in the past few years to create more intimacy in your own marriage? Where does your marriage stand now?

[Scarlett94]

She isn't married

[pepperbird]

op,

at some point, the negatives in your life are there because you ( general) have invited them in.

 

 

Why do you want this man in your life in any way at all? What is it he can offer that is worth all your heartache?

[Scarlet2]

After hearing of his mom’s passing, I continued with the no contact. I don’t feel good about not offering my sympathy but I was giving him what he wanted, me out of his life. But all that went out the window the other day when I thought I heard his voice in a store. Anxiety sent a chill through my entire body and I was too scared to check the aisle to see if it was him. Scared of what his reaction would be, scared that my voice would crack and I’d cry and good luck trying to explain that reaction to his wife or whoever was with him. This is why you should try to end things on good terms and not ghost like a jerk because you never know when you might run into someone again.

 

Afterwards, I fought myself so hard to not text and ask him if that was him I heard. I succeeded, I didn’t ask and I’ll never know for sure, but fast forward to now, intuition has been gnawing at me, I feel something is wrong. I am right. He left the state for Thanksgiving, emergency surgery, complications, in ICU on a ventilator. I have no doubt that I would be at the hospital right now if it wasn’t out of state.

 

I’ve been asking if he’s okay and I don’t even care about the repercussions, if this is going to cause a D day. I should have looked down that aisle!

[Amethyst68]

Ok I'm sorry you're upset and are obviously going through a hard time.

 

BUT (this is probably going to be very unpopular) what gives you the right to add untold stress to this man's family at this time? You are not in any type of relationship with him, he chose to ghost you so there has been no contact with him for a long time but you can't let go. It would be inappropriate for you to be at the hospital, or message him, you are not even a friend.

 

Why would you think it's ok to put his wife and family though this? Don't You think they've got enough to worry about?

 

I can appreciate your feelings cascading when you heard the news but honestly you should have kept them to yourself, or told a friend/came on here to vent!

 

As I said this may be unpopular but it's my honest opinion.

[lana-banana]

I’ve been asking if he’s okay and I don’t even care about the repercussions, if this is going to cause a D day.

 

It's painfully obvious that after having been ghosted and almost two years (or longer?) of NC, you WANT a D-day. You would gladly ruin what's left of this feeble old man's life because you want to validate your affair. Post here and vent to friends all you want but please stop contacting him. Let him go.

[anika99]

Is he old and feeble? I know he's older in that he has grandkids but he could just be in his fifties still. Don't know if the OP has ever said his age.

 

In any case I agree that no good can come from causing a D-day now. OP this has never been a great love affair. He has always treated you as nothing more than a booty call whom he has no respect for. You don't share some special bond with him.

 

To him this is was just a sordid affair that he was always ashamed of. If you go looking to cause a dday he will hate you for it. Not saying you should care how he feels because he's a jerk and doesn't even deserve any of your consideration but I don't think you could handle him completely turning on you so best for you to just stay no contact. If you want to do something proactively then get therapy to find out why you can't let go of someone who treated you so poorly.

[georgia girl]

Oh, Scarlett, honey, let this go. Not only is the depth of your projection self-harming, but his wife and family are now in a fraught family time and your wish to intrude would be downright cruel. He should never have treated you how he did - and I am not talking about the ghosting but of all of the entire things he

did to you - and maybe, someday, revenge may be sweet. But, please do not willingly hurt his wife and family at this time. You may not think she loves him or is good to him, but he is her husband - her closest living relative - and right now his medical condition puts her entire future at risk. Will he recover? Will he have life-limiting injuries or illness for the rest of his life? Are their kids okay? Are they scared? What happens if Dad isn’t around?

 

Scarlett, I don’t mean to be rude, but you should not have been in his life in the first place. You and he both made bad choices that caused that. It for you to insert yourself into his/their lives now, is wrong on every single level I can think of.

 

I know people - including me - have advised you this before: please seek counseling. I am sure you have an amazing life out there you could start living but you need to stop wallowing and chasing after this man, heal and take care of yourself. You seem to be genuinely a caring person - I would like to see you have a wonderful future. But, the choice is all up to you. For four years now, you have decided to stay stuck in this obsession. Just think where you would be now if you had forced yourself to get over him?

 

Please stop asking about him and trying to reach out to him. Vent here and to a girlfriend, but leave their family alone.

[S2B]

Scarlet - he has been done with you already for 4 years.

 

It's way past time that YOU be done with HIM!

 

You could be living life! Instead you've wasted another four years handing him ALL YOUR POWER!

 

Start living... which includes nothing about what he is or isn't doing!

 

He's been done a LONG time and you should be too!

 

Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Have you done ANY counseling about this matter?