death in MM's family

[jenkins95]

Yes, nothing came of that. I rejected another one too.

 

Good for you (((Scarlet))).

[Daisy2013]

I kept trying to gain some kind of clarity on why he ghosted me. Millions of questions with no answers. Piecing pieces together from posts I found, he’s born again. He’s always been involved with the church but now it’s 100% Jesus 24/7 and being with me goes against the word of God. He didn’t leave me for the love of his wife, he left because he loves God more and wants to go to heaven.

 

 

My MM said the exact.same.thing. It is God he wants to honor, and although he and his W have nothing and never will so he says, it is to God to whom he is keeping his vows. It took me 4 years to finally get it and believe him. He is also heavily involved in church and respected.

[Vivir]

It's amazing to me how people realize that they had just what they wanted all along ... only after messing off in someone else's life, damn near ruining them.

 

Scarlet, I think the advice you've been given is definitely in your best interests; this person doesn't deserve a second of your time, your thoughts, your efforts, but I am sure you already know that... as I am sure you know a host of other things. It is the implementation and sticking with it that most of us find extremely hard.

 

We just can't believe what happened to us. We just can't believe we were fooled (or our own naivete) and that all we put in to keep this thing alive was for nothing. It's over. Our time, lost. Our love, rejected. Our efforts meant nothing. What we gave depleted us and was very often used so that another relationship could be engorged. And it hurts so badly. And that pain is very, very real.

 

This is a wound, and perhaps you should imagine it as such. You'll have to protect the wound and care for it in order for it to heal properly and without scarring. Deep wounds don't heal over night. Sometimes, there is a hospital stay as a result of injury. If you keep allowing the wound to be reopened, it won't heal. If you allow it to fester and/or get infected, it won't heal - and that will only make it 10X worse!

 

Scarlet, YOU need you, and you will have to fight to find a way to put YOU in first place. This "man" currently has God, Jesus, his wife and family, and you, all catering to his needs and every want... Who do you have in your corner, Scarlet? Who?

[BluesPower]

To your last question first...

 

I forget if you are married, but if you are everyone has told you to tell your H. If you are not married, of course it does not matter.

 

As to any kind of D-Day, it could happen at any time, any way, any how, OR it may never happen. That is the nature of affairs.

 

Besides any of that, it is most troubling that that you still pine for him. He may think he is a godly man now, and hey, maybe he is.

 

But he was not before, and this is the man that you know. What is more, you should realize that what you guys had on one level or another was not real.

 

Not that there was not love, I am sure that there was, but it is almost never enough.

 

This man that you pine for, whether you want to believe it or not, is not worth the mental energy that you are giving him.

 

I was not then, nor am I even now, worth the love some women gave me when I was in that place in my life...

[Bittersweetie]

Scarlet, could it be that you are still so focused on this xMM because then you don't have to take a closer look at yourself, your actions, your marriage?

 

I ask because there was a time after my A when I started thinking again about xMM and realized it was as an escape from facing my own stuff.

 

Facing our own stuff can be really hard, really painful, almost more so than the pain that an affair causes. But things won't change unless we face and deal with our stuff. I hope you can find the strength to do that and move toward a healthier place.

[Scarlett94]

She isn't married

[pepperbird]

op,

at some point, the negatives in your life are there because you ( general) have invited them in.

 

 

Why do you want this man in your life in any way at all? What is it he can offer that is worth all your heartache?

[Scarlet2]

After hearing of his mom’s passing, I continued with the no contact. I don’t feel good about not offering my sympathy but I was giving him what he wanted, me out of his life. But all that went out the window the other day when I thought I heard his voice in a store. Anxiety sent a chill through my entire body and I was too scared to check the aisle to see if it was him. Scared of what his reaction would be, scared that my voice would crack and I’d cry and good luck trying to explain that reaction to his wife or whoever was with him. This is why you should try to end things on good terms and not ghost like a jerk because you never know when you might run into someone again.

 

Afterwards, I fought myself so hard to not text and ask him if that was him I heard. I succeeded, I didn’t ask and I’ll never know for sure, but fast forward to now, intuition has been gnawing at me, I feel something is wrong. I am right. He left the state for Thanksgiving, emergency surgery, complications, in ICU on a ventilator. I have no doubt that I would be at the hospital right now if it wasn’t out of state.

 

I’ve been asking if he’s okay and I don’t even care about the repercussions, if this is going to cause a D day. I should have looked down that aisle!

[Amethyst68]

Ok I'm sorry you're upset and are obviously going through a hard time.

 

BUT (this is probably going to be very unpopular) what gives you the right to add untold stress to this man's family at this time? You are not in any type of relationship with him, he chose to ghost you so there has been no contact with him for a long time but you can't let go. It would be inappropriate for you to be at the hospital, or message him, you are not even a friend.

 

Why would you think it's ok to put his wife and family though this? Don't You think they've got enough to worry about?

 

I can appreciate your feelings cascading when you heard the news but honestly you should have kept them to yourself, or told a friend/came on here to vent!

 

As I said this may be unpopular but it's my honest opinion.

[lana-banana]

I’ve been asking if he’s okay and I don’t even care about the repercussions, if this is going to cause a D day.

 

It's painfully obvious that after having been ghosted and almost two years (or longer?) of NC, you WANT a D-day. You would gladly ruin what's left of this feeble old man's life because you want to validate your affair. Post here and vent to friends all you want but please stop contacting him. Let him go.

[anika99]

Is he old and feeble? I know he's older in that he has grandkids but he could just be in his fifties still. Don't know if the OP has ever said his age.

 

In any case I agree that no good can come from causing a D-day now. OP this has never been a great love affair. He has always treated you as nothing more than a booty call whom he has no respect for. You don't share some special bond with him.

 

To him this is was just a sordid affair that he was always ashamed of. If you go looking to cause a dday he will hate you for it. Not saying you should care how he feels because he's a jerk and doesn't even deserve any of your consideration but I don't think you could handle him completely turning on you so best for you to just stay no contact. If you want to do something proactively then get therapy to find out why you can't let go of someone who treated you so poorly.

[georgia girl]

Oh, Scarlett, honey, let this go. Not only is the depth of your projection self-harming, but his wife and family are now in a fraught family time and your wish to intrude would be downright cruel. He should never have treated you how he did - and I am not talking about the ghosting but of all of the entire things he

did to you - and maybe, someday, revenge may be sweet. But, please do not willingly hurt his wife and family at this time. You may not think she loves him or is good to him, but he is her husband - her closest living relative - and right now his medical condition puts her entire future at risk. Will he recover? Will he have life-limiting injuries or illness for the rest of his life? Are their kids okay? Are they scared? What happens if Dad isn’t around?

 

Scarlett, I don’t mean to be rude, but you should not have been in his life in the first place. You and he both made bad choices that caused that. It for you to insert yourself into his/their lives now, is wrong on every single level I can think of.

 

I know people - including me - have advised you this before: please seek counseling. I am sure you have an amazing life out there you could start living but you need to stop wallowing and chasing after this man, heal and take care of yourself. You seem to be genuinely a caring person - I would like to see you have a wonderful future. But, the choice is all up to you. For four years now, you have decided to stay stuck in this obsession. Just think where you would be now if you had forced yourself to get over him?

 

Please stop asking about him and trying to reach out to him. Vent here and to a girlfriend, but leave their family alone.

[Scarlet2]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

[anika99]

I'm not sure what it is you were hoping to hear. I know people on loveshack recommend counselling so much that it sounds cliche. Many years ago when people would suggest that I try counselling I thought that was useless advice too. I thought what good is telling a stranger my problems? How does that change anything?

 

Then I gave it a shot and it helped immensely but not at first. To begin I needed to find the right therapist for me. The first one I saw just confirmed my belief that counselling was dumb and pointless and I didn't try again for a few years. The next one was much better. Not only did I just feel much more comfortable with her, she also provided with actual exercises and suggestions that helped me cope and change my perspective. I had to put in the time and the work though. Therapy isn't a quick fix.

 

So please don't be so quick to dismiss the suggestion to get counselling as useless advice. It really works! If your willing to put in the effort. Even if your MM wasn't married the way he has treated you is deplorable. There is nothing attractive sounding about him. Spends his days playing video games while breaking promises to people? Yuck. You should feel disgusted by him, not pining for the creep. Don't you want to get healthy so that you can pick better men?

 

Not everyone hates the OW but if you cause a dday he and his family will despise you with a passion and you will feel way worse than you do now. That's why I advised against it. Not to protect him but so that you can protect yourself.

 

People like to say that they simply can't help how they feel but that's not entirely true. Usually our feelings are caused by our thoughts. I have a feeling that you spend far too much time thinking about your exmm and romanticizing the affair. The obsessive thinking about him is what is keeping you stuck in your feelings. I'd suggest that you start placing limits on how long you will allow yourself to think about him each day. If you find your mind wandering to him take active steps to put him out of your mind. Pick up a book and start reading, do a crossword puzzle, get engrossed in a work related task. Don't allow yourself to romantically reminisce or daydream about the MM. You can change your feelings if you change your thoughts.

[BaileyB]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

This is NOT what would happen if you went to counselling.

 

Counselling may be the single best thing that you do - for yourself. But, you need to be ready to do the work and change your behavior, to ask the hard questions and face the hard truth, if you are going to be successful. I don't know that you are ready to do that yet... But, I hope you get there someday.

[Minneloa]

People like to say that they simply can't help how they feel but that's not entirely true. Usually our feelings are caused by our thoughts. I have a feeling that you spend far too much time thinking about your exmm and romanticizing the affair. The obsessive thinking about him is what is keeping you stuck in your feelings. I'd suggest that you start placing limits on how long you will allow yourself to think about him each day. If you find your mind wandering to him take active steps to put him out of your mind. Pick up a book and start reading, do a crossword puzzle, get engrossed in a work related task. Don't allow yourself to romantically reminisce or daydream about the MM. You can change your feelings if you change your thoughts.

 

Excellent advice!

[Amethyst68]

I get the feeling the disdain comment was pointed towards the responses OP received here.

 

For the most part everyone has been supportive to you, it's only in response to your, quite frankly, selfish recent actions that people have been calling you out - and you obviously don't like it.

 

I for one stand by what I said, you had no right to insert yourself into their family drama.

 

You started this thread in 2014 but what personal growth has there been? You're still far too emotionally invested in someone who has made it clear they have no interest in you. That is why people are recommending IC, if not that then something else to help you move on.

[lana-banana]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

 

What if he doesn't reveal it? What if your affair isn't significant enough for him to think about? What if he just takes this to the grave?

[Wallysbears]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

 

For all you know, he’s already told her about the affair and they moved on from it.

 

The man hasn’t spoken to you in years. He chose his wife. Not you.

 

Move on.

[BaileyB]

For all you know, he’s already told her about the affair and they moved on from it.

 

The man hasn’t spoken to you in years. He chose his wife. Not you.

 

Move on.

 

This is it.

 

The fact that you started this discussion in 2014, and you are still here posting about this man all these years later despite going no contact and not speaking to him for an extended period of time, tells you that YOU need to do something differently. YOU need counselling to help you move on and focus on your own life.

 

As we have all said so many times, obsessing about this man and this “relationship” is not healthy for you...

Edited November 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Scarlet2]

At this point I really do not care about finding anyone. I don’t have to have anyone to live life and it wouldn’t be fair to the new man to have a relationship with me with my secret. I deserve to be alone forever.

 

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM

 

I’m going to try and think that he is already dead, but I also want to know what I’m supposed to do if I actually do come face to face with him in a store one day? Do I walk by like I don’t know who he is? Do I say anything? My face would tell the truth.

[BaileyB]

At this point I really do not care about finding anyone. I don’t have to have anyone to live life and it wouldn’t be fair to the new man to have a relationship with me with my secret. I deserve to be alone forever.

 

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM.

 

Working in a similar field, I will say that you would not believe some of the things counsellors have seen or heard, so I'm sure that nothing shocks them. They are professionals and this is their job, I'm sure that they will do their best to remain impartial and not pass judgment on their clients. You are entitled to believe what you want to believe... It would be a shame if you used that as an excuse not to seek professional help.

 

As to the thought that you deserve to be alone forever... If that is what you truly believe, that is very, very sad.

[georgia girl]

Scarlett,

 

I would strongly urge you to give therapy a chance. You are really struggling with getting over MM - more than we can help you here - and until you can heal, it does seem to prevent you from moving on. For instance, I personally feel like you give so much credence to this “cosmic connection” that you feel you have with MM, where you can sense if he’s having a personal crisis. It feels so real to you that I don’t want to be dismissive, but to an outsider like us, we see that he isn’t in contact with you and has made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. So, we see you as using this connection to maintain a bond with him when there really isn’t one anymore. The same with the idea that he will have a dday while on pain medication. Those types of bedside confessions are just not common, particularly given the time since the last contact, but it reads to me like you are secretly hoping for it. The same with running into him one day.

 

The reason I urge counseling is that I think you need to spend some time separating fantasy and reality when it comes to him - and that is not a judgment. Whenever any one of us has a strong crush or unrequited love - we tend to begin to warp reality as we want something so very much. The problem is that we see it as harmless while we are doing it. But outsiders can see how very much this is hurting you and holding you back.

 

He was one of the great loves of your life, Scarlett. I am not sure now if you loved him or your romanticized version of him and if after so much time and obsession, you can see who he is clearly anymore. But please, do not let him be that past love of your life. You are cheating yourself out of future opportunities and future relationships by remaining stuck. Who knows? One of them could be the most amazing love of your life. But, you really have to force yourself to get over him. As one poster said, don’t allow yourself to think about him. Go out and learn a new craft, take a class, go to the gym, enjoy movie or a dinner with your friends.

 

Start living life anew, Scarlett. It’s time. Do this for yourself. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard. But it’s an investment in yourself.

[Bittersweetie]

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM

 

I think it is about finding the right counselor for you and your situation. I started seeing a counselor when I was in my A and married, so I wasn't exactly a saint at that time. My counselor was never judgmental toward me. Yes, she challenged my choices and actions, and gave me things to think about. But she was always supportive of my growth and never pushed any religious or other views onto me.

 

I agree with PP that counseling may help. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

Mainly it takes you having an open mind and to be willing to work on this.

 

I agree with this... Sure, you will need to find the right Counsellor - someone with whom you feel comfortable. But, the barrier here is not finding a Counsellor who is open minded enough to work with “the other woman...” If counselling is going to work for you, you will have to be brave enough to step outside your comfort zone, honest enough to ask yourself the hard questions, and open minded enough to trust that this person can help you to move toward a better future for yourself - leaving this MM behind...