death in MM's family

[Scarlet2]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

[anika99]

I'm not sure what it is you were hoping to hear. I know people on loveshack recommend counselling so much that it sounds cliche. Many years ago when people would suggest that I try counselling I thought that was useless advice too. I thought what good is telling a stranger my problems? How does that change anything?

 

Then I gave it a shot and it helped immensely but not at first. To begin I needed to find the right therapist for me. The first one I saw just confirmed my belief that counselling was dumb and pointless and I didn't try again for a few years. The next one was much better. Not only did I just feel much more comfortable with her, she also provided with actual exercises and suggestions that helped me cope and change my perspective. I had to put in the time and the work though. Therapy isn't a quick fix.

 

So please don't be so quick to dismiss the suggestion to get counselling as useless advice. It really works! If your willing to put in the effort. Even if your MM wasn't married the way he has treated you is deplorable. There is nothing attractive sounding about him. Spends his days playing video games while breaking promises to people? Yuck. You should feel disgusted by him, not pining for the creep. Don't you want to get healthy so that you can pick better men?

 

Not everyone hates the OW but if you cause a dday he and his family will despise you with a passion and you will feel way worse than you do now. That's why I advised against it. Not to protect him but so that you can protect yourself.

 

People like to say that they simply can't help how they feel but that's not entirely true. Usually our feelings are caused by our thoughts. I have a feeling that you spend far too much time thinking about your exmm and romanticizing the affair. The obsessive thinking about him is what is keeping you stuck in your feelings. I'd suggest that you start placing limits on how long you will allow yourself to think about him each day. If you find your mind wandering to him take active steps to put him out of your mind. Pick up a book and start reading, do a crossword puzzle, get engrossed in a work related task. Don't allow yourself to romantically reminisce or daydream about the MM. You can change your feelings if you change your thoughts.

[BaileyB]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

This is NOT what would happen if you went to counselling.

 

Counselling may be the single best thing that you do - for yourself. But, you need to be ready to do the work and change your behavior, to ask the hard questions and face the hard truth, if you are going to be successful. I don't know that you are ready to do that yet... But, I hope you get there someday.

[Minneloa]

People like to say that they simply can't help how they feel but that's not entirely true. Usually our feelings are caused by our thoughts. I have a feeling that you spend far too much time thinking about your exmm and romanticizing the affair. The obsessive thinking about him is what is keeping you stuck in your feelings. I'd suggest that you start placing limits on how long you will allow yourself to think about him each day. If you find your mind wandering to him take active steps to put him out of your mind. Pick up a book and start reading, do a crossword puzzle, get engrossed in a work related task. Don't allow yourself to romantically reminisce or daydream about the MM. You can change your feelings if you change your thoughts.

 

Excellent advice!

[Amethyst68]

I get the feeling the disdain comment was pointed towards the responses OP received here.

 

For the most part everyone has been supportive to you, it's only in response to your, quite frankly, selfish recent actions that people have been calling you out - and you obviously don't like it.

 

I for one stand by what I said, you had no right to insert yourself into their family drama.

 

You started this thread in 2014 but what personal growth has there been? You're still far too emotionally invested in someone who has made it clear they have no interest in you. That is why people are recommending IC, if not that then something else to help you move on.

[lana-banana]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

 

What if he doesn't reveal it? What if your affair isn't significant enough for him to think about? What if he just takes this to the grave?

[S2B]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

 

Scarlet, the counseling would be to help YOU.

 

To help you start living a life where you aren't waiting around for anyone. To help you be happy all on your own.

 

I hope you will.

[Wallysbears]

Sure I’ll go to counseling, everything will be revealed and I’ll continue to be treated with so much disdain because everybody hates the OW. Such a great idea.

 

Also, his wife doesn’t need to worry about me causing stress, she should be worried what will be revealed when he’s on morphine or any other drug where his secrets can’t be suppressed.

 

For all you know, he’s already told her about the affair and they moved on from it.

 

The man hasn’t spoken to you in years. He chose his wife. Not you.

 

Move on.

[BaileyB]

For all you know, he’s already told her about the affair and they moved on from it.

 

The man hasn’t spoken to you in years. He chose his wife. Not you.

 

Move on.

 

This is it.

 

The fact that you started this discussion in 2014, and you are still here posting about this man all these years later despite going no contact and not speaking to him for an extended period of time, tells you that YOU need to do something differently. YOU need counselling to help you move on and focus on your own life.

 

As we have all said so many times, obsessing about this man and this “relationship” is not healthy for you...

Edited November 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Scarlet2]

At this point I really do not care about finding anyone. I don’t have to have anyone to live life and it wouldn’t be fair to the new man to have a relationship with me with my secret. I deserve to be alone forever.

 

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM

 

I’m going to try and think that he is already dead, but I also want to know what I’m supposed to do if I actually do come face to face with him in a store one day? Do I walk by like I don’t know who he is? Do I say anything? My face would tell the truth.

[BaileyB]

At this point I really do not care about finding anyone. I don’t have to have anyone to live life and it wouldn’t be fair to the new man to have a relationship with me with my secret. I deserve to be alone forever.

 

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM.

 

Working in a similar field, I will say that you would not believe some of the things counsellors have seen or heard, so I'm sure that nothing shocks them. They are professionals and this is their job, I'm sure that they will do their best to remain impartial and not pass judgment on their clients. You are entitled to believe what you want to believe... It would be a shame if you used that as an excuse not to seek professional help.

 

As to the thought that you deserve to be alone forever... If that is what you truly believe, that is very, very sad.

[georgia girl]

Scarlett,

 

I would strongly urge you to give therapy a chance. You are really struggling with getting over MM - more than we can help you here - and until you can heal, it does seem to prevent you from moving on. For instance, I personally feel like you give so much credence to this “cosmic connection” that you feel you have with MM, where you can sense if he’s having a personal crisis. It feels so real to you that I don’t want to be dismissive, but to an outsider like us, we see that he isn’t in contact with you and has made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. So, we see you as using this connection to maintain a bond with him when there really isn’t one anymore. The same with the idea that he will have a dday while on pain medication. Those types of bedside confessions are just not common, particularly given the time since the last contact, but it reads to me like you are secretly hoping for it. The same with running into him one day.

 

The reason I urge counseling is that I think you need to spend some time separating fantasy and reality when it comes to him - and that is not a judgment. Whenever any one of us has a strong crush or unrequited love - we tend to begin to warp reality as we want something so very much. The problem is that we see it as harmless while we are doing it. But outsiders can see how very much this is hurting you and holding you back.

 

He was one of the great loves of your life, Scarlett. I am not sure now if you loved him or your romanticized version of him and if after so much time and obsession, you can see who he is clearly anymore. But please, do not let him be that past love of your life. You are cheating yourself out of future opportunities and future relationships by remaining stuck. Who knows? One of them could be the most amazing love of your life. But, you really have to force yourself to get over him. As one poster said, don’t allow yourself to think about him. Go out and learn a new craft, take a class, go to the gym, enjoy movie or a dinner with your friends.

 

Start living life anew, Scarlett. It’s time. Do this for yourself. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard. But it’s an investment in yourself.

[S2B]

At this point I really do not care about finding anyone. I don’t have to have anyone to live life and it wouldn’t be fair to the new man to have a relationship with me with my secret. I deserve to be alone forever.

 

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM

 

I’m going to try and think that he is already dead, but I also want to know what I’m supposed to do if I actually do come face to face with him in a store one day? Do I walk by like I don’t know who he is? Do I say anything? My face would tell the truth.

 

Most counselors you can ask them before setting your first appointment if they can help you - as being the other woman - and also if they have the skill set to offeryou many exercises in getting past this space in your mind that has been taken up by your MM.

 

There are many counselors that are capable of working with you to get through this and get to the OTHER side of this.

 

Mainly it takes you having an open mind and to be willing to work on this.

 

It's for your best interest...for your future.

[Bittersweetie]

Most counselors are married and/or religious so I’m skeptical how they would separate personal beliefs from professional. How can they relate to OW/OM

 

I think it is about finding the right counselor for you and your situation. I started seeing a counselor when I was in my A and married, so I wasn't exactly a saint at that time. My counselor was never judgmental toward me. Yes, she challenged my choices and actions, and gave me things to think about. But she was always supportive of my growth and never pushed any religious or other views onto me.

 

I agree with PP that counseling may help. Good luck.

[BaileyB]

Mainly it takes you having an open mind and to be willing to work on this.

 

I agree with this... Sure, you will need to find the right Counsellor - someone with whom you feel comfortable. But, the barrier here is not finding a Counsellor who is open minded enough to work with “the other woman...” If counselling is going to work for you, you will have to be brave enough to step outside your comfort zone, honest enough to ask yourself the hard questions, and open minded enough to trust that this person can help you to move toward a better future for yourself - leaving this MM behind...