death in MM's family

[Hope Shimmers]

OMG Scarlet. Seriously, how ****ed up do you need this "relationship" to be before you finally screw your head on straight?

 

You are messed up. I'm sorry - I have tried to be nice in this thread and previous ones to you. But it seems there is no hope for you because YOU WON'T HELP YOURSELF. No matter what anyone else says to you. You just keep digging deeper and deeper into this dysfunctional mess that you seem to want to embrace, despite the fact that MM does not love you or barely give you the time of day.

 

One day you will look back and regret all of this with everything in you. Mark my words.

 

I'm out.

[spookysonata]

OMG Scarlet. Seriously, how ****ed up do you need this "relationship" to be before you finally screw your head on straight?

 

You are messed up. I'm sorry - I have tried to be nice in this thread and previous ones to you. But it seems there is no hope for you because YOU WON'T HELP YOURSELF. No matter what anyone else says to you. You just keep digging deeper and deeper into this dysfunctional mess that you seem to want to embrace, despite the fact that MM does not love you or barely give you the time of day.

 

One day you will look back and regret all of this with everything in you. Mark my words.

 

I'm out.

 

THIS. Scarlett, wtf are you doing? You have no business talking to this kid and certainly not giving him advice. "Your" MM is not interested in being with you and his son is a jack@$$ and it's like there is no boundary you will not blow through at top speed in your pursuit of this pipe dream. Give. It. Up.

 

P.s, you were not "deflecting" anything, you were flirting. With the teenage son of the married man you've been having an affair with. Who himself has not only a girlfriend but a "baby mama". Let it sink in.

Edited December 29, 2014 by spookysonata

[Tullyseptember]

Scarlet doesn't the OM son know of your affair with his dad? It could be that if the son knows he wants the same thing. Either way this latest issue should have you feeling insulted rather than complimented. I don't know if you can see it that there is no future as him being your stepson. These two men are using you for ego strokes just as you are using them for excitement. Remember when reading replies that a lot of people can relate to others actions and sometimes it's easier for the reader to see fact than the writer

[jellybean89]

And now I think I have another problem... Apparently all my activity of going out that I've been posting on facebook has indeed been noticed and my MM's son randomly decides to start a conversation with me. He's like "you sure go out a lot with all your boyfriends" and I'm thinking, is he fishing for his dad to see who I'm going out with because I never show any photos of people or tag anyone or mention anyone, I just say where I'm at and post a photo from there. I replied with "they all probably wish they were my boyfriend" but that was the wrong thing to do because then he replies with "I want to be next in line".

 

So I'm like, oh geez, he did not just say that, this is all I need now. I replied back, trying to make a joke, saying he can take care of me when I'm 90. And he responds with "what's wrong with that" and I continue the joke saying "sweet, it's a deal then". But he got confused and asked what the deal is. And that's when I tried to shut it down and told him never mind. He wouldn't let it go and asks me to explain but before I could, he retyped what was written and he said if that's what you mean it's a deal.

 

I deflect and ask him why he thinks I have boyfriends. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and he figured I had guys taking me out. And now I'm like in my head saying if my MM and I ever did end up together, am I going to be creeped out that my stepson finds me attractive. I should also mention he's 19 years old with a newborn. So I try to deflect again, asking about his girlfriend (not the baby's mama). He tells me she's too immature and he wants someone with their head on straight.

 

So I attempt to give advice and let him know it's not easy to find someone with a level head, everyone has issues and that even I have my moments but all he said was that I seem mature and he thinks I have my head on great. I deflect again and tell him if I were him I would give her some more time to see if she changes at all but definitely don't go after someone else while still with her. Basically telling him not to do what his dad did without actually giving away any details.

 

Then my MM's son says he's just over his relationship with his girlfriend, he's not happy and wants an older lady. They had broken up before and then he got another girl pregnant and then went back to his current girlfriend but now he wants out. I was able to get out of the conversation without digging myself even further but now I'm undecided if I should tell his dad that his son has a crush on me or just keep quiet and do not engage any further with his son? If it's not one thing, it's another, this is messed up...

 

Bolded... You are still fantasizing !!! You won't end up in a relationship with his dad. Why are you even going down that thought in your head??? You have got to get some mental help.

 

And no, do not reach out to Mm and tell him about this. Seriously?

[anika99]

Scarlet doesn't the OM son know of your affair with his dad? It could be that if the son knows he wants the same thing. Either way this latest issue should have you feeling insulted rather than complimented. I don't know if you can see it that there is no future as him being your stepson. These two men are using you for ego strokes just as you are using them for excitement. Remember when reading replies that a lot of people can relate to others actions and sometimes it's easier for the reader to see fact than the writer

 

 

Ewww...you're saying the son knows his father had a sexual relationship with Scarlet and now he wants some of that too? That's so gross.

 

 

OP hearing you describe his son's life tells us that he's a lot like his father. No respect or regard for women. Just use them then leave them. Don't worry your pretty little head over the possibility that it will be awkward with his son should you wind up with his father. You are not going to end up with his father. Nothing about the MM's actions indicate that he wants any future with you so I don't know why you even had that thought.

[whichwayisup]

Make your fb settings private, why is MM's son able to read and see everything? Please tell me the son isn't on your friends list.

[Mount]

Oh my.....$%^ Christ. You or any woman should not feel good about herself by seeking those childish facebook comment thing from a child, especially he is the child of a man that you have been obsessed with - see here I dont even put MM here, as apparently the man has not even invested any real actions upon you showing he was interested to have affair with you (p.s. real actions mean real time spent with you, practical emotional investment on you besides his wife or any real material investment upon you), not "his Highness" happened to talk to you first in rare occasion, that does not call affair.

 

If you want to feel good, pls go do some activities- volunteering, or at least watch DOVE TV ad hundred times. It is too low to seek comments from a child to boost your self-esteem or confidence.

 

 

And now I think I have another problem... Apparently all my activity of going out that I've been posting on facebook has indeed been noticed and my MM's son randomly decides to start a conversation with me. He's like "you sure go out a lot with all your boyfriends" and I'm thinking, is he fishing for his dad to see who I'm going out with because I never show any photos of people or tag anyone or mention anyone, I just say where I'm at and post a photo from there. I replied with "they all probably wish they were my boyfriend" but that was the wrong thing to do because then he replies with "I want to be next in line".

 

So I'm like, oh geez, he did not just say that, this is all I need now. I replied back, trying to make a joke, saying he can take care of me when I'm 90. And he responds with "what's wrong with that" and I continue the joke saying "sweet, it's a deal then". But he got confused and asked what the deal is. And that's when I tried to shut it down and told him never mind. He wouldn't let it go and asks me to explain but before I could, he retyped what was written and he said if that's what you mean it's a deal.

 

I deflect and ask him why he thinks I have boyfriends. He says he thinks I'm beautiful and he figured I had guys taking me out. And now I'm like in my head saying if my MM and I ever did end up together, am I going to be creeped out that my stepson finds me attractive. I should also mention he's 19 years old with a newborn. So I try to deflect again, asking about his girlfriend (not the baby's mama). He tells me she's too immature and he wants someone with their head on straight.

 

So I attempt to give advice and let him know it's not easy to find someone with a level head, everyone has issues and that even I have my moments but all he said was that I seem mature and he thinks I have my head on great. I deflect again and tell him if I were him I would give her some more time to see if she changes at all but definitely don't go after someone else while still with her. Basically telling him not to do what his dad did without actually giving away any details.

 

Then my MM's son says he's just over his relationship with his girlfriend, he's not happy and wants an older lady. They had broken up before and then he got another girl pregnant and then went back to his current girlfriend but now he wants out. I was able to get out of the conversation without digging myself even further but now I'm undecided if I should tell his dad that his son has a crush on me or just keep quiet and do not engage any further with his son? If it's not one thing, it's another, this is messed up...

Edited December 29, 2014 by Mount

[Tullyseptember]

Annika99, I was wrong Scarlets OM son does not know of the affair. I read back through the thread and he just knows that Scarlet is in his dad's life. Either way the FB connection with the son seems so wrong due to the fact there has been an relationship that his Mom knows either nothing or very little of.

[irishguy]

Having the son as a friend on facebook is strange and you think the mm checks your facebook through the sons page , somehow i cant see this happening .

[Timshel]

"I want to be next in line."

 

Scarlet2, Woman and Person with a purpose for being and existing.

 

Never allow anyone to speak to you this way.

 

You have value that this statement slanders.

[Timshel]

Phenomenal Woman

By Maya Angelou from And I Still Rise

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips,

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun in my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style,

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman

That's me.

 

Maya Angelou from And Still I Rise

[georgia girl]

Scarlet,

 

 

Stay away from his son. Whatever you have to do to ignore him and cut him out of your life, do it. You're using him to get to the father and he's a 19-year-old with a baby momma and a girlfriend and hitting on you. It's beyond creepy.

 

 

I know you're desperate for this guy. There's about 18 pages of desperation written here from an affair that was over long before the death of his father. This affair was over in August. It's time to heal, move on, and retain some portion of dignity. The father is not coming back, the kid is an absolute creeper and you're looking like a desperate woman. It's not a good luck. Move on. There is really nothing left to say.

[Scarlet2]

Maybe I'm supposed to be with the son instead of the father...it's no different than a woman who leaves her husband to be with her husband's brother, right? Before you all get bent out of shape, I'm being sarcastic.

 

I am trying to do the right thing, this is why I post my thoughts and get other perspectives, but also I don't want to be mean about it. I have 100% stopped calling, texting, and pursuing my MM. Any communication I have with him, he is the one who starts it or he finds me. The only thing I'm guilty for is that I still check fb. Everyone here keeps saying if he wanted to be with me, he would be with me and I get that he won't be, and the break really means it's over, but if I walk away and go full NC, that says I don't want to be with him and that's not true because I still do. I don't have to replace him with someone single, I can be alone for the rest of my life, it doesn't bother me. It's not like I can't get my own man, there are plenty that keep trying to be my boyfriend, I'm not desperate.

 

When his son sent me the friend request months ago, I asked MM about it and he already knew because they were together talking about it when his son did it. If he didn't want me to add his son, I would have declined it. After he was added, the son and I never interacted with each other, that's why it was a little surprising when he started especially when he has over 1,000 friends and most of them are attractive girls his age, so why me?

 

After my last post here, I decided I wasn't going to say anything to his father about what happened. Which is hard for me to do because I've never not divulged anything to him before. I thought I had it taken care of but no, a day or two later, his son messages me again. Tells me his dad and him are going on road trip for New Year, 4 days, just the two of them, no wife. That never happens.

 

His son tells me where they are going and once again, it's a place that I've talked to MM before where I've always wanted to go. I slipped up and told his son that fact and his son says "we could go". I don't think he liked my response because he didn't type anything else after what I said; which is good because I hope I finally squashed it but also bad because now he might talk to his dad and MM will get mad at me for not telling him about what's been going on or probably some twisted ego boost that his son likes his dad's mistress...

 

I don't know if his son knows that I've had sex with his dad. I hope MM didn't tell him. As far as I know, the son only knows me as a friend his dad has known for almost ten years who helps me with handyman things once in a while.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I think you should stop communicating with the son altogether. He's obviously interested in you, even if it's just for a quick fling, and you don't seem to have discouraged him at all. If you can't directly tell him to stop then you need to ignore him too. As it is, you're using him as a means to keep your connection to the father alive. You can't say that you're practicing NC if you're talking to his son.

 

The father-son road trip is just that: a father-son road trip. It sounds like you're trying to interpret it as a sign of a strained marriage and you really shouldn't. It has nothing to do with his marriage. It has nothing to do with you. You need to cut these people out of your life.

[jellybean89]

Scarlet, unfriend the son. There is no reason whatsoever for you to be messaging the son of the MM you want to be in a relationship with. You didn't "slip up". You are not stupid or naive. You are acting like you are innocent in all this and you aren't.

 

Seriously, you need to find a counselor. The very fact that you are interacting with the child of the man you want to continue an affair with is creepy and somewhat perverted. If you were a man doing this with a MW's daughter, the responses you would get would rightfully so be outrageous. Stop playing these games. Do you know the damage you could be doing to that whole family?? When the wife finds out abut you having sex with her hubby & playing flirty games with her son, you will wish you never played this game. Stop it.

[beach]

You aren't "trying" to make this better. You really aren't.

 

If you were you'd be doing tons of opposite action compared to anything you've ever done - but you're not.

 

You're still waiting around for the OM to pay you the slightest bit of attention and waiting years for him to change.

 

Change comes FROM YOU.

 

And now you've engaged his son in completely creepy conversation? Yuck!

 

Change would look like NEVER seeing or speaking with the OM again. It would look like changing your job and/or moving far away. And blocking all forms of interacting with him - including FB.

 

That's what will change your life so you can MOVE FORWARD.

 

Are YOU willing to change YOUR circumstances or are you going to leave your future to your OM for years longer?

[cif]

The son should have been blocked the second he flirted you. Conversing with him is wrong on so many levels. And i'm willing to bet MM told his son "he hit it", otherwise the child wouldn't have dared made such a disrespectful comment to you. Unfriend him, this is disgusting.

[Nattie]

I've asked before, I'll ask again.... is this crap for real? If so, Scarlet, you need to stop it and cut all communication with that entire family. My brain cannot even process this situation...

[sandylee1]

This thread is really exhausting and I didn't read it all. I only have a few words because you've been given great advice here.

 

You are a real example of a gluten for punishment.

Whatever happened in your life to make you have such little self respect for yourself?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to go out there and get a life.

[bathtub-row]

Scarlet, I think I can see where your missteps are happening. Because you have a prior friendship with the people within the circle of MM, you think that you should act as normal as possible in order to deflect suspicion. Well, this is a mistake. You cannot be friends with MM's wife or her friends or children, etc. That line was drawn the moment you went to bed with MM.

 

Now you need to deal with it by withdrawing from these people. Extract them from your life because you can never be true friends with them. There is nothing worse than someone being betrayed by someone perceived as a friend. So, you need to do everything in your power to stop acting like someone you're not. If the truth ever comes to light, at least they'll know why you withdrew. It will be far worse if you're still in their camp disguised as a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[georgia girl]

His son tells me where they are going and once again, it's a place that I've talked to MM before where I've always wanted to go. I slipped up and told his son that fact and his son says "we could go". I don't think he liked my response because he didn't type anything else after what I said; which is good because I hope I finally squashed it but also bad because now he might talk to his dad and MM will get mad at me for not telling him about what's been going on or probably some twisted ego boost that his son likes his dad's mistress...

QUOTE]

 

Scarlet,

 

 

I feel like I keep beating you up, but in reality, I hope you know that I'm pulling for you and want you to start getting over this guy so that you can really have the life you deserve - whether it be by being an amazing, rockin' single lady or with a partner who truly deserves you.

 

 

This paragraph caught my attention because I hope you're not placing an undue amount of worth on the selection of the location of this getaway. To me, this sounds like MM is making time to reconnect with his family, not seeking out a place you mentioned you wanted to go.

 

 

What typically happens in situations like these is that we emphasize those things that help us to believe what we want to believe. In your case, that MM remembers things significant to you and he's going on this nostalgic trip to reconnect with you. What likely happened instead is that this place - whether obscure or not - is someplace most people would like to visit. So, whether or not you planted the idea or whether or not he remembers that you planted the idea, it's a great place to go so now he and son are going. More than likely, this is just somewhere he'd like to go, it has nothing to do with you and in his efforts to start undoing the wrongs he did to his family with the affair, he's making an effort to spend time with each of them.

 

 

Scarlet, it's a new year. Time to focus solely on you. For your own sake, I would cut off all communication with these people. Every single contact reignites your hope - legitimate or not - that MM is still interested in you. Its delaying your healing. You've said things like, if I move on, then I know I'll never be with him. But, it doesn't matter to me if I waste my time waiting for him because he's the only one I want. This way, he can never "not know" that I was waiting for him and he could pick me, if he so desired.

 

 

That's really unhealthy and soul-destroying behavior. It makes you value yourself only if he selects you. It sets you up to accept poor behavior from him - if there is any - and it puts you in a state of sadness/emotional distress that's completely unnecessary. It won't get you further to your desired goal. At some point, as tough as it is, you need to realize that your goal is no longer attainable and you need to redefine the goal. Instead of a "relationship with this man only," wouldn't a more satisfying goal be "a relationship with someone who loves me and I can love with my whole heart, unabashedly and freely?"

 

 

Finally, as another poster said, you need to stay away from the family because of the potential for ultimate discovery. If you think that you're hurting or feeling distance now from MM, wait until DDay. You will be the pariah. You will be the woman who ingratiated herself into his family while trying to destroy it. Your reputation, career path, friendships and family may all be affected. Stay away from this. You sound very willful and determined, so I'm not sure you see the warning signs. But this will destroy you.

 

 

Please take care. In spite of all of the tough love you get here, I think you get most of it because people are genuinely pulling for you to get healthy and happy.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[Scarlet2]

Yes, every time I post here I feel like I am indeed getting beaten up. It's almost like I should stay away from here so that it's not adding more pain to what I'm already going through...

 

I guess it's safe to assume that his son didn't like my response because he unfriended me first. But of course I'm worried that he might have talked to his dad, like maybe he tried to ask him if it was okay to hang out with me, and what might happen tomorrow when MM returns to work but that's not really my problem anymore since everyone keeps saying MM has made it clear that he doesn't want me anymore so why would he say anything to me about it, right? Should I be worried?

 

I also blocked his wife and daughter, they were never on my friend list but now they shouldn't be able to look at my page at all nor me theirs.

 

As for the place that MM and his son were going to that I've said I've always wanted to go, I didn't mention in the post but it was MM that told me first before his son did. What happened is our paths crossed again, MM greeted me with all smiles, I acknowledged him but I didn't say anything and I didn't try to stop him to talk like I used to do, progress right? So anyway he kept walking and then he turned around and said "oh hey I'm going to your place after New Years" and at first I thought he meant my house and I was confused because if it's over why would he be saying that but that's when he said the destination. How are you supposed to react to that when someone blatantly brags to throw it in your face? All I could think of is what I always do, ask when he was taking me and all he did was reiterate that I have to wait for opportunities to open up...

 

I'm giving him what he wants, staying out of his life, not initiating contact, not pursuing, why does he keep putting salt in the wounds if he doesn't want me? Is he hurting me out of resentment or what? I don't get it... When I get a new job, he still knows where I live and I can't move... What else am I supposed to do? The only thing I haven't done is tell the wife and that's why I think he's behaving this way on purpose, like he wants me to tell because it's an easy out for him but I'm not going to make it easy for him. If he wants out of his marriage, he can do it on his own... Why else would he be hurting me? I want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with me, I'm leaving him alone, he's not leaving me alone...

Edited January 5, 2015 by Scarlet2

[whichwayisup]

Yes, every time I post here I feel like I am indeed getting beaten up. It's almost like I should stay away from here so that it's not adding more pain to what I'm already going through...

Everybody cares and we're trying to help you. Some advice is rude, ignore it and focus on helpful advice. I'm sorry if some of my replies have been harsh but I've always been respectful towards you. I just hate reading how much damage this affair (or whatever it is) is doing to you! I wish you strength to cut him out of your life and find peace and happiness again.

 

I guess it's safe to assume that his son didn't like my response because he unfriended me first. But of course I'm worried that he might have talked to his dad, like maybe he tried to ask him if it was okay to hang out with me, and what might happen tomorrow when MM returns to work but that's not really my problem anymore since everyone keeps saying MM has made it clear that he doesn't want me anymore so why would he say anything to me about it, right? Should I be worried?

 

Good he deleted you.

 

Just leave it be. Put it out of your head as whatever happens (if something happens) is out of your control. Deal with it if or when it comes up (son telling dad about your messages back and forth) but until then, just go on like nothing ever happened. For your own sake. Don't go looking for trouble! Keep your head down at work and focus on your job.

I also blocked his wife and daughter, they were never on my friend list but now they shouldn't be able to look at my page at all nor me theirs.

 

Block the son if he hasn't blocked you. And if MM has a fb page, block him as well.

 

As for the place that MM and his son were going to that I've said I've always wanted to go, I didn't mention in the post but it was MM that told me first before his son did. What happened is our paths crossed again, MM greeted me with all smiles, I acknowledged him but I didn't say anything and I didn't try to stop him to talk like I used to do, progress right? So anyway he kept walking and then he turned around and said "oh hey I'm going to your place after New Years" and at first I thought he meant my house and I was confused because if it's over why would he be saying that but that's when he said the destination. How are you supposed to react to that when someone blatantly brags to throw it in your face? All I could think of is what I always do, ask when he was taking me and all he did was reiterate that I have to wait for opportunities to open up...

 

I'm giving him what he wants, staying out of his life, not initiating contact, not pursuing, why does he keep putting salt in the wounds if he doesn't want me? Is he hurting me out of resentment or what? I don't get it... When I get a new job, he still knows where I live and I can't move... What else am I supposed to do? The only thing I haven't done is tell the wife and that's why I think he's behaving this way on purpose, like he wants me to tell because it's an easy out for him but I'm not going to make it easy for him. If he wants out of his marriage, he can do it on his own... Why else would he be hurting me? I want to be with him, he doesn't want to be me, I'm leaving him alone, he's not leaving me alone...

 

Next time he comes up to you, just tell him that you don't want him in your life at all anymore. That you are sick of the come here/go away game he's playing with you. End it once and for all, cut him loose and grieve the loss.

[cif]

I'm giving him what he wants, staying out of his life, not initiating contact, not pursuing, why does he keep putting salt in the wounds if he doesn't want me? Is he hurting me out of resentment or what? I don't get it... When I get a new job, he still knows where I live and I can't move... What else am I supposed to do? The only thing I haven't done is tell the wife and that's why I think he's behaving this way on purpose, like he wants me to tell because it's an easy out for him but I'm not going to make it easy for him. If he wants out of his marriage, he can do it on his own... Why else would he be hurting me? I want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with me, I'm leaving him alone, he's not leaving me alone...

First of all, sorry if my posts were harsh. I am very angry at your situation but not you. Your MM angers me, for many reasons but most of all for dragging you along selfishly instead of just cutting the chord.

 

IMO he does not want you to tell his wife. Quite the contrary he's appearing friendly to keep you on the hook so you dont blow his life up.

 

He may not be purposely trying to hurt but you are allowing the contact to continue. Why are you not taking the initiative to go NC? Let's say youre hanging on bc one day he may decide to come over. Well, what do you think would happen? One hour of poor sex then he gets up gets dressed goes home to his wife and family.. Then maybe he sends you a couple texts or a few weeks later you pass him again in the hallway at work. He doesn't want out of his marriage. He is not going to divorce.

 

If you need him to tell you in no uncertain terms, call him and tell him you're calling his wife. See his ugly side come out, and hopefully move on.

[beach]

I think you're making progress, good for you!

 

 

Now if you could just not engage in conversation with him - he wouldn't have those opportunities to brag about going on a trip with his wife when he knows you want him to take you.

 

He's making it clear that he's making effort to reconnect with his wife.

 

He seems mean spirited.