death in MM's family

[Scarlet2]

Just leave it be. Put it out of your head as whatever happens (if something happens) is out of your control. Deal with it if or when it comes up (son telling dad about your messages back and forth) but until then, just go on like nothing ever happened. For your own sake. Don't go looking for trouble! Keep your head down at work and focus on your job.

 

I admit I do tend to create scenarios and worry for nothing. I guess because I don't like being caught unprepared and can't make quick decisions so I prethink before anything were to happen and I need to get better at just dealing with it when it happens. Like, I already preplanned what I would do if we were discovered but that never happened so it was for naught. Almost like if I worry, then it never happens, but if I don't worry, that's when crap hits the fan.

 

 

Now if you could just not engage in conversation with him - he wouldn't have those opportunities to brag about going on a trip with his wife when he knows you want him to take you.

 

He's making it clear that he's making effort to reconnect with his wife.

 

He seems mean spirited.

 

This trip was just him and his son, no wife. I wish she had gone with them because then I wouldn't be thinking how it's going for them being apart when it's been forever since they've been apart for that long. Does he like being separated from her, does he miss her, is she blowing up his phone, is she showing neediness... I know I shouldn't be having these thoughts and it's frustrating because I really was doing so good...

 

Now that the son is deleted I think it will get better again but I'm still concerned about tomorrow when MM returns, mainly I just don't want to see him.

[Lurkeraspect]

If anyone could benefit from a complete life change it's you. I feel until you truly (physically) move away from all of this drama you're always going to remain enmeshed in this family's life.

 

It seems to me that you look for any grain of hope, cling to that, and over analyze any little crumb that comes your way.

 

It's OVER. Seems everyone understands that except you.

 

How much more time are you going to waste on this married nobody?

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, I think some men are just plain obtuse. It's possible that he's just too dumb to realize that his bragging is hurtful to you. Either way, it was a thoughtless thing to do on his part.

[Lurkeraspect]

Honestly, I think some men are just plain obtuse. It's possible that he's just too dumb to realize that his bragging is hurtful to you. Either way, it was a thoughtless thing to do on his part.

 

I agree with this, but not in Scarlets case. I think this MM is slick. He dangles just enough attention to keep Scarlett wanting more, thereby, keeping her quiet and compliant. He's hoping she'll eventually get tired of the scraps and the affair will finally die (in Scarlett's mind) and his life can go on as usual. Unscathed and on to his next conquest.

[beach]

Honestly, I think some men are just plain obtuse. It's possible that he's just too dumb to realize that his bragging is hurtful to you. Either way, it was a thoughtless thing to do on his part.

 

I think he's done this to her before - if I'm remembering correctly.

 

And that's what makes me think he's doing it to send her a message.

 

It's been months now that you've been waiting for the slightest move from him... But everything he's done and said indicates he's not going back to the affair.

 

Can you accept it over and move forward? Can you try to become completely neutral feeling with him?

[cif]

Now that the son is deleted I think it will get better again but I'm still concerned about tomorrow when MM returns, mainly I just don't want to see him.

Tell him this.

[Tullyseptember]

Scarlet I've had advice/opinions given to me in my life that at the time given seemed harsh and cruel. In my case I thought this because I wasn't in a place to understand the reality of my situation. When I look back at that time I almost cringe (well mostly I do :0) at the absurdity of my thoughts. It really did take tough love from family and the experience of not having one of my children live with me for a time for my thoughts to shift perspectives of what was important and what was real. Posters I find most of the time are coming from a place of experience and I would think want you to see how your situation is coming across and what you could be missing. Of course your life is how you choose to live it and you need to do what is right for you I just think you need to stop thinking what OM motives are and what you think he wants you to do. It's draining you and doesn't move you forward. Just keeps you stuck:(

Edited January 5, 2015 by Tullyseptember

[Nattie]

Scarlet, I don't mean to be harsh either, but as a woman it is maddening to watch you give up every aspect of control to this douchebag. The only reason you're avoiding him is because of everyone here telling you that he's done. Personally, I do not think he's done. I think he enjoys playing with you. I have quite a few pairs of shoes that I never wear, but I refuse to get rid of them JUST in case I do decide to wear them someday. You are the shoes in the back of this jerks (and that's an understatement) closet. He doesn't love you, he doesn't need you, but for the sake of his own ego/hormones wants to know that you're available whenever he feels like wearing you.

 

Scarlet, you are a human being, and although love has blinded you, this guy is NO good. I can almost guarantee you, if you told him today that it's over, don't ever contact you again, you're moving on, he would do a complete 180 and tell you what you want to hear. He's a coward, and a loser, and he'll never man up and let you move on.

 

You get one life, and it's a short one. You're worth more than this. Initiate NC, block him, threaten to tell his wife if he doesn't leave you alone. He deserves to feel the pain of rejection for once, and you deserve to heal from this and find happiness.

[Scarlet2]

He sought me out again after he got back from the trip and of course I was nervous because I figured it was to ask me about his son, why else would he want to see me...

 

He made the small talk like he does and eventually I had to say something because up to this point I was being quiet and letting him talk so I asked about his trip. He wasn't very enthusiastic, seemed kinda sad or disappointed, like whatever he was trying to achieve didn't pan out. Of course I did what I always do, boasted that he didn't have fun because I wasn't there, he actually agreed but again it doesn't mean anything, just words. Then he showed me the few pictures that he took on his phone and this time he wasn't doing it to rub it in my face, he was genuinely sharing with me.

 

When he was about to leave, he turns back around and nonchalantly asks what's going on with me and his son. He wasn't angry or upset, it was more like he knew it was all nothing but I guess he wanted my side of it, maybe. I don't know what all his son told him so I just waved it off and said it's taken care of and that his son unfriended me. He was satisfied with that and left.

 

The hardest part out of all that was when he walked into the room and I looked up and saw him, oh my god, he was a sight for sore eyes, I wanted to touch his face so bad. Does that feeling of attraction ever fade away?

[sagamore]

He sought me out again after he got back from the trip and of course I was nervous because I figured it was to ask me about his son, why else would he want to see me...

 

He made the small talk like he does and eventually I had to say something because up to this point I was being quiet and letting him talk so I asked about his trip. He wasn't very enthusiastic, seemed kinda sad or disappointed, like whatever he was trying to achieve didn't pan out. Of course I did what I always do, boasted that he didn't have fun because I wasn't there, he actually agreed but again it doesn't mean anything, just words. Then he showed me the few pictures that he took on his phone and this time he wasn't doing it to rub it in my face, he was genuinely sharing with me.

 

When he was about to leave, he turns back around and nonchalantly asks what's going on with me and his son. He wasn't angry or upset, it was more like he knew it was all nothing but I guess he wanted my side of it, maybe. I don't know what all his son told him so I just waved it off and said it's taken care of and that his son unfriended me. He was satisfied with that and left.

 

The hardest part out of all that was when he walked into the room and I looked up and saw him, oh my god, he was a sight for sore eyes, I wanted to touch his face so bad. Does that feeling of attraction ever fade away?

 

Scarlet, you need to stop rolling yourself out like a doormat for him to wipe his feet on. You make yourself look sad and pathetic. He actually had to ask what was up between you and his SON? Does that make you embarrassed?

 

The feeling of attraction will fade when you DETOX from this horrible man and this awful chapter in your life. Get a new job and move on. You can do it. It's beyond time.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, the feelings of attraction fade once you realize how much of your life you're wasting on this person. I can't tell you how much you're going to regret spending your years chasing a phantom love.

[cif]

How can you not see that he was asking what's going on with his son insinuating you may be starting something, like this is who you are? I would have slapped him with all the energy in my body.. he would've had to see a chiropractor. Wow scarlet.

[Timshel]

I want to shake you, slap you. Are you on drugs?? What part of anything that has happened = Love to you?? Are you trailer trash and being a side piece is your life aspiration? I do not understand you Scarlet2.

 

Just know, there is a really big world outside of this. Join the Peace Corps or Habitat for Humanity. Sucks to read people piss their lives away. Oh Well.

 

Peace out.

[beach]

He sought me out again after he got back from the trip and of course I was nervous because I figured it was to ask me about his son, why else would he want to see me...

 

He made the small talk like he does and eventually I had to say something because up to this point I was being quiet and letting him talk so I asked about his trip. He wasn't very enthusiastic, seemed kinda sad or disappointed, like whatever he was trying to achieve didn't pan out. Of course I did what I always do, boasted that he didn't have fun because I wasn't there, he actually agreed but again it doesn't mean anything, just words. Then he showed me the few pictures that he took on his phone and this time he wasn't doing it to rub it in my face, he was genuinely sharing with me.

 

When he was about to leave, he turns back around and nonchalantly asks what's going on with me and his son. He wasn't angry or upset, it was more like he knew it was all nothing but I guess he wanted my side of it, maybe. I don't know what all his son told him so I just waved it off and said it's taken care of and that his son unfriended me. He was satisfied with that and left.

 

The hardest part out of all that was when he walked into the room and I looked up and saw him, oh my god, he was a sight for sore eyes, I wanted to touch his face so bad. Does that feeling of attraction ever fade away?

 

Really Scarlet?

 

Why don't you get the courage and strength to tell him to stay the F away?

 

You go on and on about how he *must feel* ---> you have no idea how he feels! You will never know. You aren't in his head. He's a user and manipulator.

 

Start thinking more of yourself and how you feel - what you want and need - and taking steps to provide that FOR YOUR own life! Get going girlfriend! You deserve more than the lousy crumbs he tosses to the floor!

 

Stop picking up his crappy crumbs!

 

Next time he tells you personal info - state a healthy boundary - say "don't tell me your personal info - don't show me pictures - I expect you to keep things business level only".

 

That will send him a clear message that you're finished being his doormat.

 

Have you gotten. Professional help yet for your co dependency issues and to help you establish a boundary? I hope you will.

 

God, you deserve better than what he offers... I hope you begin to change things for yourself.

[Scarlet2]

I told him I'm looking for another job, he looked like I punched him in the gut. I pointed out all the times I've been trying to talk to him and he was "well talk to me now."

 

He's still dealing with the estate of his father, it's messy and complicated, he likened it to a war. I hate that he's going through this but at least I'm not part of the problem anymore.

[Scarlet2]

I'm still looking for a new job and I'm still doing well with not calling or texting him but I still struggle with checking fb and responding when he initiates contact. He talked to me on Valentine's Day, he didn't celebrate with his wife, he was out boating all day with his nephew.

 

He's been absent from work for over a week, I thought maybe he was on vacation but apparently he's having health issues. His boss needed something signed and instead of coming in to do it or asking his wife or kids to get it and bring it to him, he told his boss to give it to me and he'd stop by my house and I could bring it back. I had no idea this was happening until his boss informed me.

 

Here's the kicker, MM showed up at my house with his wife after they got out of church. She stayed in the car as he came inside, but it makes me think he has no fear of me telling his wife. I could have easily walked out of my house, walked to the car and told her everything. But now I admit I'm wondering why he would do that. An excuse to see me? To get his wife to feel possessive? And how does that conversation go down... "I gotta stop by my mistress's house real quick"? I don't think she knows about us but I know she's gotten jealous and would always accuse. What is he thinking... If he truly wants me out of his life why would he come up with that plan... Another ego stroke?

[beach]

I'm still looking for a new job and I'm still doing well with not calling or texting him but I still struggle with checking fb and responding when he initiates contact. He talked to me on Valentine's Day, he didn't celebrate with his wife, he was out boating all day with his nephew.

 

He's been absent from work for over a week, I thought maybe he was on vacation but apparently he's having health issues. His boss needed something signed and instead of coming in to do it or asking his wife or kids to get it and bring it to him, he told his boss to give it to me and he'd stop by my house and I could bring it back. I had no idea this was happening until his boss informed me.

 

Here's the kicker, MM showed up at my house with his wife after they got out of church. She stayed in the car as he came inside, but it makes me think he has no fear of me telling his wife. I could have easily walked out of my house, walked to the car and told her everything. But now I admit I'm wondering why he would do that. An excuse to see me? To get his wife to feel possessive? And how does that conversation go down... "I gotta stop by my mistress's house real quick"? I don't think she knows about us but I know she's gotten jealous and would always accuse. What is he thinking... If he truly wants me out of his life why would he come up with that plan... Another ego stroke?

 

He does it because you allow it. You can stop allowing it. That would be taking control over your life back instead of allowing him to control you.

 

That would be positive change.

[nikki76]

I dont know how ive never read this thread before. I just spent the last hour reading the pages and I'm not done yet.

 

I dont understand how or why you still let this man step all over you. Why are you stalking his fb page? Why do you care who he spent Valentines day with. Why do you care about anything he does! ! I understand that temptation to fb stalk, my h is "friends" with my xAP, so I fight that temptation EVERYDAY. but I know nothing good will come out of it if I look, so I dont!

 

Im pretty sure his wife does not know about you guys. If she did, and she stayed in the car while he went to your door, she must have been handcuffed or sedated.

 

He either did that to rub it in your face that they are together or to make sure that you dont try to put any moves on him. Im sorry, But I dont think its an excuse to see you.

 

How long are you going drag this non existent affair on? Its over and done. You need to move on and get some serious help. You are going to be consumed with this FOREVER while the rest of your life is withering away. Stop analyzing everything he does. It doesnt matter anymore.

 

My mm still tries to control my life because he can. I will not confess and he knows this. So he emails me, texts me ( I have not responded)....and has become even better buddies with my H. Checking in about every week to make sure they are all good. Why? Because he can.

 

Do you want to live like that? Let me tell you, its hell. You can walk away.you have no ties to him. Your mm will keep throwing you crumbs as long as you allow it.

 

Please dont be mad at my post. Ive been there and I'm not far removed. Only a little over 2 months. Im speaking from experience as a OW. You need to stop. Now. Before things get completely out of control. What if his son tells mm wife? Or the son tells his friends about you? You are worth so much more then this.

 

Life is to precious.

Edited February 23, 2015 by nikki76
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[Pinklotus]

The feeling of attraction most definitely does fade away, but it takes work and effort on your part. The work is maintaining NC and that means not responding to any overtures on his part. If you still work with him, your contact is purely business. The work is also working on yourself, and that means counseling. The effort is telling yourself everyday over and over that you can do this. It means finding other activities and hobbies that do not involve this strange family.

 

This guy sounds like a real narcissist and/or manipulator. He is having fun just playing. Showing up at your house with his wife...how audacious is that? He's taunting you both. She may not know, but he's enjoying the fact that he has two women. He may be sad that he doesn't get to see you..oh, boo hoo! So sad that you are beginning to see that he shouldn't be allowed to use you anymore.

 

One day you will look back and regret this but it will be from a position of strength and a new place in your life. You will think of him with disgust and you may even pity him for his obvious inability to truly ever care for someone. But it won't matter because YOU will have healed and moved on.

[Scarlet2]

And now it gets even better (sarcastic)... I was away from my desk and when I walked back, I heard his voice and looked in the direction of where it was coming from and saw that he and his wife were sitting in the office across from me! I'm like, oh my god, what is going on, thanking god I wasn't at my desk when they came in because they would have seen me. I decide I wasn't going to stick around at my desk because I didn't want a repeat of having to see her and talk to her like at his dad's service so I hurried and left to go to the copy room before either one noticed I was there.

 

I waited what I thought would be enough time for them to depart but I was wrong because they ended up in the hallway that leads to the copy room instead of leaving the front way. They somehow got stopped as they were leaving and both were talking to two different people, she had her back to me and didn't see me but MM saw me and before I could turn around and go a different way, he stopped talking to whoever he was talking to, got this happy, excited look on his face and said he was returning to work tomorrow. I respond by not stopping, continued to walk through in a hurry, mumbling "okay" in an unimpressed tone and I was out of there before she had any opportunity to turn around but I know she heard him talking to me.

 

He is totally audacious indeed and I'm finally feeling pissed. With his wife standing right there, I totally would have assumed he wouldn't have said anything at all and let me go through without a word, snub me like he has before, but he didn't. Seriously, what is this game he's playing, ugh...

[Lurkeraspect]

And now it gets even better (sarcastic)... I was away from my desk and when I walked back, I heard his voice and looked in the direction of where it was coming from and saw that he and his wife were sitting in the office across from me! I'm like, oh my god, what is going on, thanking god I wasn't at my desk when they came in because they would have seen me. I decide I wasn't going to stick around at my desk because I didn't want a repeat of having to see her and talk to her like at his dad's service so I hurried and left to go to the copy room before either one noticed I was there.

 

I waited what I thought would be enough time for them to depart but I was wrong because they ended up in the hallway that leads to the copy room instead of leaving the front way. They somehow got stopped as they were leaving and both were talking to two different people, she had her back to me and didn't see me but MM saw me and before I could turn around and go a different way, he stopped talking to whoever he was talking to, got this happy, excited look on his face and said he was returning to work tomorrow. I respond by not stopping, continued to walk through in a hurry, mumbling "okay" in an unimpressed tone and I was out of there before she had any opportunity to turn around but I know she heard him talking to me.

 

He is totally audacious indeed and I'm finally feeling pissed. With his wife standing right there, I totally would have assumed he wouldn't have said anything at all and let me go through without a word, snub me like he has before, but he didn't. Seriously, what is this game he's playing, ugh...

 

He's playing the same game you are. You both are enjoying it, or one or both of you would make the necessary changes to get off the ride.

 

I fear you'll be writing here for years and years, with this sick, petty, childish back and forth gamesmanship. Hopefully, I'm wrong and you'll move, find new work, find a healthy relationship/life. You're just treading water and wasting time in a dead end, one sided mess.

[bathtub-row]

One day you're going to figure out that you're the one playing games with yourself. When it finally stops mattering what he's doing, why he's doing it, and what he's thinking, you won't care where he's at or who he's with. Of course you'll always care to some degree as long as this is in your face, but my point is instead of skulking around the office playing hide and seek, why not stand boldly before him and his wife and make HIM sweat bullets for a change? Why not at least pretend that none of this crap bothers you?

 

You need to turn the tables on this guy and stop acting like you're the one who has something to be ashamed of. He's the one who broke the vows to his wife, not you. I've often played this out in my head -- what I'd do if xMM's wife ever confronted me about the affair if she ever found out about it. I would not act ashamed and I would not let her put me down. You need to remember why you initially did what you did, you need to walk away with your head held high, and you need to stop being this man's puppet.

 

The thing is, my xMM knows that I have my limits and I know that he has his -- and we don't push each other's buttons. You need to start acting like (not talking to him about it) -- but acting like you are definitely being pushed too hard and that he's on dangerous ground. In other words, it's time to change your behavior towards this situation.

[sagamore]

Scarlet, I have the feeling that if I left LS and came back in five years, there would be a thread by you that looked exactly like this one. You analyzing every last pathetic crumb he tosses your way, him feeding off your ego strokes while exercising total indifference toward you.

 

There is so much good advice in this thread. One day, I hope you'll love yourself enough to take it.

[Pinklotus]

 

He is totally audacious indeed and I'm finally feeling pissed. With his wife standing right there, I totally would have assumed he wouldn't have said anything at all and let me go through without a word, snub me like he has before, but he didn't. Seriously, what is this game he's playing, ugh...

 

That's good. You are feeling angry and realizing that he is just having fun in a sick way, like a cat with a mouse. Now what you need to do is ignore him. Stop analyzing him and noting his every move and word. Do not waste your time. Focus on yourself and healing. And be prepared for him to intensify his attention once he realizes you are fading out and going NC as much as possible. He will not like losing the attention or the ability to play with you at will. Stay strong. Do not cave. This man is dangerous and frankly I pity his wife, who has to live with him and endure his behavior. As I said, he sounds like a narcissist. In fact, you should google narcissism and see just how much this guy resembles one. Do some reading about what it's like to be married to or in love with one, as well, and you will likely recognize parts of yourself and see what a dreadful life his wife is living.

 

Stay away from him.

[whichwayisup]

Not everything he does with his wife has to do with you. It's actually really self absorbed to think that he had his wife in the office just to play a game with you. The boss asking you to drop something off at his place is because he knows you are two friends. You're reading into everything and making a big deal of it.

 

Your A is over, just accept that and stop reacting and the games.